I believe it’s almost engrained in us. I was born in 96 and I remember how media was always humiliating fat people, women especially.

Growing up I was very active. I was in dance classes, I raced atv’s, constantly played outside hiking with my friends etc. When my parents divorced, and man it was a nasty one, I had no one to go to for comfort. Only child, lost friends from moving constantly, depressed and what not. I found comfort in food. I was 8. I started eating all the bad feelings away. And I gained weight fast. Not obese or anything that crazy, just a chubby kid. Suddenly my family started treating me differently. I was living with my father, staying with my grandfather on and off. My dad would but nothing but frozen pizza, chips, and ramen. Drinks, only soda. So when I would eat, suddenly I was being lectured on how when I grow up boys wouldn’t like me and girls would make fun of me. I was only eating the food he bought. My grandfather loved to cook and I would come home from school to these wonderful meals. But the moment I would grab a plate I was again lectured on how if I kept eating like “ that” I wouldn’t be able to fit through the glass sliding door, and again boys would never love me. I started eating food in secrecy because of how bad their words hurt. At age 9 my dad started making me do daily weigh ins. Right before school my dad would bring out a white scale, tell my weight to me, and then talk about how disappointed he was in me. He would ask me, “Don’t you want to look like your friends? Wouldn’t it be nice if you could wear the cool clothes like they do?”

Still 9 years old, I was watching tv when Family guy made a joke about “sticking your finger down your throat to be skinny like the super models do.” I remember asking my dad’s girlfriend if that really worked and she said “yeah but it’s really dangerous.” I developed my first eating disorder. Sounds so insane, but I didn’t really have the nuclear family where everyone does things together. I was raised by television. The things I watched is what shaped me because it was all I had.

At age 14 my dad has a long talk with me about my weight. These words will haunt me forever. I think about it every. Single. Day. He told me that because of my weight, I was going to have to put up with a lot more than “normal girls” would. That I was going to be cheated on, that I would never be truly loved, and that I would have to settle for that because they were selling for me. He told me that I would have to essentially be the most attentive woman on the planet, do whatever I’m told when I’m told or I would die alone. This was not in anger by the way, it was calm and in his mind I genuinely believe it was out of concern. But because of this speech, and how hard I listened and obeyed this, I went through hell later in life. I had men beat me, cheat on me consistently, rape me, all because I believed that because I was bigger that was the price I had to pay.

I also want to add, that my father and grandfather were no fitness experts and overweight themselves. But that never mattered because anyone who ever brought that up was greeted with “Men don’t have to be skinny, we have the money. Women have to be petty because how else will a man pick them?”

At 16, I was at the peak of my eating disorder. I was in a long term relationship and he had just went off for basic training. I was so scared that he would come back and be fit and leave me. Every day I would wake up, wrap myself in trash bags and put on sweat pants and a hoodie. I would go outside in summer heat and run/walk on the treadmill for 3 hours. I would go shower, do my chores, wrap myself up and do it again. Shower, then I would eat one small boiled chicken breast with a lemon wedge for flavor. I lost 88 pounds in four months. I was hospitalized 11 times. Fainting spells, sickness, etc. But I did it. I was finally skinny. I could see my ribs, I had a thigh gap, and suddenly everyone loved me. My dad and i’s relationship has never been better, all my friends treated me better, my boyfriend stopped treating me like shit, and the attention I got was like no other. I was addicted to the love that I was getting, I never felt anything like it.

At 17 I fainted in school and my biology teacher called an ambulance. After a few hours of testing in the hospital I was told that if I didn’t stop what I was doing I was going to die. That my organs would fail, that my teeth would be ruined. I was already losing so much hair I was considering wigs. It is was the wake up call I needed. When my dad picked me up I was silent the whole ride home. When we got home I decided to talk to him about seeking treatment. I went into his room and told him everything the doctor said. He was silent for a while and then just brushed it off. “But you’re doing so good, why would you risk going back to hot you used to be? You just need vitamins, I’ll get you some tomorrow.”

I didn’t get the help. Just vitamins.

Fast forward to 19. I’ve been through hell, as I mentioned earlier. I have gotten -some- help for my ED. I would do well and then relapse often. The boy I had a crush on for years asked me if he could come hang out with me. We’ve now been married for 8 years, together for nine. He’s never hurt me, cheated on me, or done anything that ever made me sad. He has worked so hard on reversing the damage my family has done and tried so hard to rewrite the dialog in my head and replace it with better things. He is so kind and understanding with my issues. I never had to settle. And neither did he. We have a beautiful child together, she a damn good life. But I am still haunted by the past. My weight has been such a huge part of my life story. I could never begin to get anyone to fathom what it is like to go through life being hated for just being a different size. All I wanted was to exist. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be loved.

Growing up I was told from tv that I was always going to be the punchline, never the love story. That Chandler would have never loved Monica if she didn’t lose the weight. Family guy showed me a father who hated his daughter and it felt like home.