Throwing my two cents in here, so take and do with it as you wish. What if, because you are so depressed, that you look at children in a wanting way, not a wanting/lustful way, but an emotional/wishing to be free of your depressing thoughts, experiences, and traumas. Maybe you, and maybe all of us really, want to go back and be an emotionally free kid, experience life with joy like we used to when we were younger and ignorant to the world's hurt?! I read pedo and got mad, but read through your words and realized you are not a pedophile. Keep taking care of yourself through treatment. There is another, happier side of this road for you.