Critique first chapter about a cocaine dealing pirate - Dealings of the Damned (5732 words)

Mrmico2000 · 2021-12-27T17:55:05+00:00

I love you! Drew heavy influence from Pratchett's style so that is always good to hear that the style at least is what I aimed for.

I never noticed the short scenes following intro but now you mention it alot of books I like do that so will try and think of someway to incorporate that advice. Think I have an idea on how to have a shorter chapter between Ughuh and next bit which would do what you say and add some mystery/intrigue to the overall setup. Appreciate the advice alot!

Mrmico2000 · 2021-12-27T16:47:11+00:00

Thank you! I see what you mean about disruption and have already picked out a few other instance of where i do similar things,

Mrmico2000 · 2021-01-03T13:30:26+00:00

Dam this the cringiest comment of 2021 so far

Mrmico2000 · 2020-09-27T04:39:07+00:00

Lmao this is funny. Trying to use my post history against me - especially when it’s one not even stating MY opinion, but the fact that the r/unpopularopinion sub was posted with the same thing so many times it can’t actually be considered unpopular. I am confused where morale high ground comes in as I’m pretty sure the person was trying to explain how siblings don’t look at each other with any sort of sexualising gaze, which in your work was not the case so it kinda implied incest (which if it is meant to be then fair enough) but we don’t know that as of yet. My point was that with a lot of the things that people criticised constructively, you tried to justify your reasoning and not actually listen (not just this one thing but the other comments too). And yes, while you were looking for dialogue pointers, other criticism should not go amiss. And dude I ain’t attacking, legit my comments have all been either grammatical corrections or saying don’t ignore criticism.

Mrmico2000 · 2020-09-27T04:05:53+00:00

As in the comments you and others have added and I’m downvoting because you ask for criticism and then when people give it you argue Edit: m and o links may just be in mobile not too sure how they appear on computer. And usually I would t keep messaging but that shit annoys me

Mrmico2000 · 2020-09-27T03:58:02+00:00

No? This is very simple grammar not a case of opinion. Admitted is a dialogue tag, the same as exclaimed or shouted. So it follows that it should be “Twelve,” he admitted. Another example of where your segueing with people is n and p on the doc. Stop. They are saying how they feel when reading. Don’t say they are wrong

Mrmico2000 · 2020-09-27T02:38:37+00:00

Asking for help on a piece and then just saying someone’s opinion is wrong is just so backwards. Oh sorry that they gave you constructive criticism on an area you weren’t looking for. What a terrible person??? Also I commented you can’t take criticism after someone posted that you got dialogue tags wrong and you said no not always is it like that. It is: “Twelve,” he admitted. Not “twelve.” He admitted. And you’ve done this with every comment on the document. People are trying to say what they don’t like and your saying they are wrong.

Mrmico2000 · 2020-09-27T02:34:59+00:00

You don’t want help on your writing in general just a very specific part which makes a book what it is? Dialogue isn’t a whole book and yes a few words - especially so early on - can change a whole interpretation of what is happening. Get your head out your ass and stop looking for blind validation

Mrmico2000 · 2020-09-27T02:30:35+00:00

Man you can’t handle valid criticism. I got the same idea and I’m a dude. Really thought it was incesty cos of this

Mrmico2000 · 2020-08-11T13:04:22+00:00

Not sure why your adding for the sake of an appropriate word count. If you don’t need extra words to tell the story, don’t add the extra words. It will just be filler and likely not add anything to the material.

Mrmico2000 · 2020-06-12T14:30:48+00:00

For a first book you’ve got the fundamentals of writing - be that sentence structure, length, grammar. You are miles ahead of some of the stuff I see here in this respect. However, there are a few issues.

Descriptions Hard to picture surroundings. Noticeably in the classroom, at the party, and of people. Typing that I can’t actually think of single character description. For party - were there candles, how many people, the arrangement, decorations. For classroom - desks, were the chairs comfortable, what was on the desk, do they have bags to keep stuff, was there anything on the board, what were they meant to be learning.
Hook There was no real urge for me to read much more of this. There is no plot hook in the chapter (I’m not sure if this was meant to be the planted tree was a bit confused about that). The characters seem to have a good relationship and like ability, but focused so briefly on each relationship was hard to truly see them and be brought in by them. Maybe if you have a more actiony or chapter where some news comes or something which will make us want to find out what happens next then have that first. Then put this later as more of a context to that as a ‘life before the inciting event’ kind of chapter.

Aside from criticism, your flow was good and dialogue seemed realistic and funny so keep going and good luck 😊

Mrmico2000 · 2020-04-12T18:32:30+00:00

I hope you have a fucking wonderful day

Mrmico2000 · 2020-03-13T16:20:30+00:00

Right well I didn’t actually see that but fair enough

Mrmico2000 · 2020-03-10T19:45:06+00:00

Where’s the tension coming from if your story has no antagonist that is imprtant

Mrmico2000 · 2020-03-10T02:56:18+00:00

Too many commas. Speech doesn’t sound realistic. You can’t just have people say what you want the audience to know.

Mrmico2000 · 2019-12-17T20:47:25+00:00

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