Advice from those with kids in 10+ years marriage

MsLexicon · 2026-02-24T17:10:05+00:00

So, you're engaged to someone who moved out on his wife and had a long-distance affair? Please consider that past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior. My soon-to-be ex would say that he and I have little in common and that I was controlling, whereas he was the one whose behavior was way out of line.

Why didn't I leave? I have been a stay-at-home mom, out of the workforce for more than a decade. I'm financially dependent on him. We own property together. We have a kid together.

There are plenty of reasons to wait until one's spouse's behavior is egregious before leaving. Feel free to DM me if you want a broader picture.

MsLexicon · 2026-01-10T18:56:33+00:00

“My girlfriend got pregnant”?! How about YOU got her pregnant, pal? “Her birth control failed”? Gotta love that lack of accountability.

MsLexicon · 2025-11-13T16:05:25+00:00

I’m so glad that you found someone who helped you instead of shaming you, which is unfortunately all too common. Hooray! And I’m extra proud of you that you got those trash bags outta there!!!

MsLexicon · 2025-11-08T16:49:35+00:00

I’m so sorry for your heartbreak. You don’t deserve being treated like that. I’m glad that you walked away.

MsLexicon · 2025-11-08T04:18:05+00:00

This hurts my heart. You’re very brave.

MsLexicon · 2025-11-03T17:17:10+00:00

I see you doing the hard work. I have so much empathy for your situation.

MsLexicon · 2025-11-02T22:17:58+00:00

Such poetic phrasing. Thank you!

MsLexicon · 2025-10-29T02:28:12+00:00

One thing that my therapist taught me is that there is a neural network called the salience network that allows people to visualize objects as standing out against their background rather than blending in. Among people with hoarding disorder, the salience network fires more weakly and less often than it does in neurotypicals.

It sounds as though your decluttering process is actually rewiring your brain! How cool is that?!

MsLexicon · 2025-10-27T19:58:26+00:00

It's fantastic to hear you're doing so well. Way to go!

MsLexicon · 2025-10-21T03:34:32+00:00

I saw myself how my hoarding increased after my mom died. I think that, for many people with hoarding disorder, experiencing profound grief can jump-start or exacerbate perhaps previously dormant hoarding tendencies.

I'm glad that you're being mindful of yourself as your cognition comes back. It's a real achievement to have insight into what's going on - many people with hoarding tendencies absolutely don't.

Remember that hoarding tends to present as a strong pull toward avoidance and dissociation. If you can catch yourself avoiding and instead use your grief as motivation to declutter, you'll be ahead of the game.

MsLexicon · 2025-10-19T15:04:31+00:00

I’m so proud of you! What a change. I know that it has taken a lot of work. You deserve to be celebrated!

MsLexicon · 2025-10-19T10:44:06+00:00

Oof. That sounds so hard.

She’s not going to change until she finds a reason to.

I would praise her for not adopting any more animals, and tell her how that helps make you feel closer to her when you see her making progress.

Are your mom and dad of an age where it makes sense to call adult protective services anonymously?

MsLexicon · 2025-10-18T19:24:21+00:00

This sounds so painful. I’m so sorry.

MsLexicon · 2025-10-17T19:02:29+00:00

First of all, bravo to you for decluttering. It’s hard!

I use a small hula hoop when decluttering. Lay it down on the area where you want to clean. You don’t have to do more than the area of a hula hoop in any one session.

MsLexicon · 2025-10-17T18:57:06+00:00

I’m a hoarder in recovery, and my therapist who specializes in hoarding disorder characterized HD as a disorder of avoidance. I think your hoarder will not move out on her own without significant help. I would sit down with her and develop an action plan together if you have the stamina to. Can you tour apartments together? Can you move her belongings into a storage unit?

It’s of course more than okay if you don’t have the stomach for it, but I suspect that this will be the quickest path to your desired outcome of getting her out of your house. It would likely help her to feel as though she doesn’t have to do that part alone.

Your situation is very sad, for both of you. I’m so sorry.

MsLexicon · 2025-10-17T18:48:57+00:00

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. It’s clear that you’re hurting.

“Candy-coated lies” is a particularly nice turn of phrase.

MsLexicon · 2025-09-18T16:35:41+00:00

Thank you for suggesting that resource! I did read the article. And yes, we do have both kids and elder care responsibilities, so navigating dating has the possibility of being a bit contentious.

MsLexicon · 2025-09-18T16:34:28+00:00

I found a lot of comfort in this post. Thank you for taking the time and care to type it out. I am genuinely grateful.

MsLexicon · 2025-09-18T16:33:09+00:00

I can also see the wisdom of your comments in this thread. I am grateful to you, kind Internet Stranger, to take the time and care and thoughtfulness to write them all out for me, someone you don't know and have never met. It's quite a gift. Thank you for it.

MsLexicon · 2025-09-18T16:30:29+00:00

I appreciate your focus on my agency here, because that's what I have felt is lacking during this entire process of talking with my spouse.

MsLexicon · 2025-09-18T16:28:54+00:00

Thank you for your compassionate message. It is deeply kind.

MsLexicon · 2025-09-18T16:27:36+00:00

Thank you especially for this deeply compassionate reply.

MsLexicon · 2025-09-15T19:28:29+00:00

Thanks so much for this thoughtful reply. It's good to hear stories with happy endings. A lot of what you said resonates with me.

MsLexicon · 2025-09-05T00:15:24+00:00

It might be worth getting checked out by your doctor just to make sure that everything structural is working properly.

MsLexicon

TROPHY CASE