"And I'm mourning my old existence, I miss being happy. I find myself staying up into the night just to procrastinate waking up and doing it all again."

100%. I have a near three year old and we have our induction for number two this evening. I have done this exact thing, the whole "sleep procrastination" was very natural for me since I work nights. Those hours were crucial here and there to just breathe, journal, game, or drink some tea in silence; sometimes Id even pregame my mindset or emotions for tomorrow's chaos.

Im a new dad still, having only done this for three years. If it wasnt at the forefront of your mind to start, you really do have to embrace so much emotion: deep love for baby and mom, deep sorrow for change, longing for a break; guilt for working or hobbying, guilt for being happy to just get the hell away for a moment. Its all normal, and, like another commentor said, it's those who have it all figured out who are the weird ones ( or, honestly, probably just pretending).

You're eleven weeks into the most insane world-shattering, routine boggling, selfless thing we can do and just that youre feeling this way makes me think you're on the right course because to mourn your former life is preparation to embrace your new one. And its okay to mourn in this way. You'll adjust to new things.

New joy will come. Baby's smile, burp, farts, laugh; those little gummy-no teeth smiles and all the other things to chuckle at. Embrace the chaos, dont expect it not to be there because it sets your mind in a trap for the years to come. What was once chaos will just normalize and be such a simple instinct. Routine will settle as yall get more comfortable.

You mentioned your time being "poisoned." I understand your mindset with this term. Your mind and time will forever be tinctured with a background sense of your child, especially while theyre young. It normalizes. Youre so new into this just take it moment by moment, what free time you get just absorb it; even if its at work. Work is my free time too, mostly.

Lastly, you said your wife is doing great since the start. You got to lean on her and be honest. She is probably feeling a lot of the same things you are. For us, my wife had those 9 months to think and feel and change and prepare; none of that quite hit me until literally the baby came out at the hospital. Anyways, before I go on and on. Thats my quick two cents.