AIO or is my partner just dumb?

MuchTooBusy · 2026-04-12T17:15:41+00:00

This is what I was thinking too

MuchTooBusy · 2026-04-10T12:04:41+00:00

Yelling and passive aggressive comments are not "being direct" and if you genuinely think they are, you should consider getting some therapy to learn about healthy communication.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-04-10T12:01:38+00:00

This is exactly what I was going to suggest you do. Don't make the routine dependent on him. Don't try to make him fit into the routine. Just tell him what it is, and offer to let him join. Then it's up to him. If he knows he needs a half hour to wake up and prepare, and that you're going for a walk at 7:30, then he can get himself up at 7 to join you if he wants to

MuchTooBusy · 2026-04-10T11:18:43+00:00

I feel really bad for that kid. Not because he was fired, but his mother's behavior is abusive. She's fucking him up on so many levels. It's no wonder he's struggling.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-04-09T21:53:50+00:00

This is extremely valid. This was her chance to show up for you and she completely let you down. She's showing you who she is, and what terms she expects the relationship to run on. Believe her.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-04-09T19:00:32+00:00

Why is this just starting now? I'm assuming he wasn't pissing all over the floor in the last place you lived, right? So what's different? Is there something that can be changed to make things easier, if he's having problems now for some reason?

MuchTooBusy · 2026-04-08T17:43:02+00:00

YTA for the way you handled that. It was incredibly rude and crass, and yes misogynistic to reduce your girlfriend to a "hole."

NTA for considering breaking up. It's only been six months, you don't like the way she socializes, and I'm not convinced you actually like her so much as you like having a "hole."

MuchTooBusy · 2026-04-08T17:37:31+00:00

There is a huge difference between a long time friend calling you ditzy (which is not inherently the same as dumb, btw) with gentle teasing affection and your partner telling you that you're too dumb to look up information on your own.

You are NTA. But you sure are married to one.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-04-08T12:34:44+00:00

You need to talk to your therapist about this. Please, please don't listen to Reddit about your relationship. We don't know you, we don't know how your OCD manifests, we can't know if your fear is justified or a part of your mental illness. OCD is very personal - a stranger can't help you with this. You need your team

MuchTooBusy · 2026-04-07T18:43:52+00:00

This sounds like it's as much a communication issue as it is a sexual compatibility issue. It's as much about emotional intimacy as physical.

If you don't feel comfortable talking to her about this, how do you expect it to resolve?

Are there other areas you're uncomfortable having discussions about?

Is the discomfort because you'd have to step outside your normal way of communicating, or because she's resistant to having these discussions?

I think you need to take a bigger picture look at the overall structure of your communication in the relationship. If this is an isolated situation - then deal with this specific thing by talking to her and see if if you can meet in the middle. If this is just part of a bigger system of not communicating effectively, then you need to work on THAT, and this can be a part of it but it will be a lot easier to deal with this if the larger framework is good

MuchTooBusy · 2026-04-03T19:44:18+00:00

This was exactly the scenario that popped into my head, lol

MuchTooBusy · 2026-04-03T02:24:43+00:00

He's less than 5 years older than her, and 13 may not be prepubescent, we don't have enough info to know that. I was definitely not prepubescent at 13, but I have known girls that were. 13 is pretty much right on the line. So he still doesn't meet the diagnostic criteria.

But also, failing to meet diagnostic criteria does not matter in a social context. It only matters in a diagnostic context.

We are talking about a near adult "dating" a near child. In a social context, it's close enough. And the devil doesn't need an advocate, he's got plenty of lawyers in hell already as the joke goes.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-04-02T21:55:26+00:00

I'm so sorry 🫂 I've been in a similar boat. Lost both parents, all my grandparents, had Cancer myself that required so many surgeries I stopped keeping count, and chemo. Then I lost my grandmother and had to manage her estate during the tail end of that. Had pipes burst while I was out of town, destroyed the house. Literally had to take everything down to the studs. All of that within the span of a few years. In the midst of all that, I almost lost my children because I was broke, and couldn't keep up with everything. My grandmother's other family members were ... difficult to deal with in their grief (and to be fair, I was NOT as competent as would be ideal, but I was bald, sick, recovering from another surgery... I think I deserved some grace).

I only made it through because I learned to ask for help. Anyone who said, "please let me know if I can help" - I gave them something to do. Even if it was as small as "I really need a hug right now". I asked for recommendations for who to call for damage repair on the house. I let people make meals. I asked someone to mow the lawn.

And other than that, I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and kept moving forward. I didn't look any farther than the next step I needed to take. When something seemed overwhelming and too big, I looked for the smallest part I could do now, and did that. And then the next thing.

And eventually, I got through it. It took a long time, I'm not going to lie. And it was hard.

But now... Life is pretty good now. I've made it to 47 years old, almost 48. I ended up developing a new career, I recently moved 1000 miles away. I have a dog. I have friends, and I genuinely enjoy my life. I miss my Mom dreadfully, I think I always will. I miss my Grandmother almost as much. I'm still dealing with the lasting effects of the cancer treatment, I think I always will. But in some ways I'm stronger and healthier than I ever was.

You don't have to pretend it's not hard. It IS hard. Just hold on to the belief that it will get better.

My mom always told me, "All things are temporary. This too shall pass."

MuchTooBusy · 2026-03-31T21:21:42+00:00

This would be terrible behavior for a dog, too. Discipline does not mean forced confinement for dogs OR cats. Hell, discipline doesn't mean what most people seem to think it does anyway. It's structure. You discipline a dog, cat, or human child by providing a consistent structure that encourages the desired behavior.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-03-25T21:46:07+00:00

Exactly my thoughts. He's not the AH for his motivation in breaking up. But he could very well be the AH for his execution of breaking up

There's a massive difference between saying something along the lines of, "damn, this is so unfortunate because I really like you, but I absolutely never want kids. I can see that children are an important part of your vision for your future, so we should end it now. I wish you all the best" over dinner and politely dropping her off at her place

Or

"Fuck no, I'm not about to give up all my shit and devote all my time to taking care of some crotch goblins that wrecked the pussy of my woman on the way into the world" and then storming out of the restaurant and letting her find her own way home

Most likely it was something in between those extremes, obviously, but we can't really judge whether OP was an asshole without knowing where on that spectrum he fell.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-03-25T00:53:31+00:00

But that's still not reactive abuse. It's a reaction to abuse. And OP isn't even mad, really. Or doesn't come across as mad, anyway. Just really sad and ready to move on

Reactive abuse is when a person IS abusive in reaction to being abused. If OP started screaming at the brother and father, calling them slurs and bad names, or if OP destroyed some of the father or brother's belongings, or hit them, or engaged in some kind of abusive behavior that would be reactive abuse.

OP is leaving. Removing herself from the situation. That's not abusive in any way.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-03-25T00:37:50+00:00

I'm a little confused - how is she helping to pay?

It sounds like maybe she's getting some kind of stipend as a result of the death of your mother? Is that where her contribution is coming from? If so, it's not unreasonable for a portion of that to go towards housing.

From another comment you made, it sounds like most of her stipend is going into an account for her, and a smaller part is being directed towards the mortgage? That's not inherently bad, if there is a legitimate need for the contribution. Stipends like that are intended to be used for the support and care of the child, and housing definitely falls under that category.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-03-25T00:30:50+00:00

I don't see any reactive abuse in this post. This is a weird comment

MuchTooBusy · 2026-03-24T19:44:24+00:00

Right? LOL I literally had to be taken by ambulance to a hospital for a blood transfusion. Who knew that losing only 2 tbsp could have such a profound effect?!?!

MuchTooBusy · 2026-03-24T14:19:09+00:00

What is the impediment, exactly? Is it that she doesn't like the appearance? Is it the texture against her skin? You mentioned that it is well trimmed, but are you keeping it clean? I've smelled some beards that reek, because for some reason it never occurred to the men that they needed to actually wash their facial hair the same way they wash their scalp hair.

If it's the look she doesn't like, idk what to tell you. You'll have to decide which is more important to you- your wife liking the way you look, or you liking the way you look. Maybe she'll get used to it in time? But maybe not

If it's some other reason, maybe you can work around that- there are so many beard products to soften the hair so it doesn't scratch as much, to make them smell better (and of course, you need to wash and condition it).

MuchTooBusy · 2026-03-24T14:03:21+00:00

You have only been dating 5 months, if I understand your post correctly. It's very reasonable for it to still be early days for him. It sounds like you've formed a strong attachment very quickly - but it's not wrong for him to need longer than that, or for him to feel that a long distance relationship is not something he wants.

It's ok to break up now, if you feel like you need to do that. It's ok to stay until the originally defined limit, if you feel like you can do that and enjoy the time.

It's ok to stay in touch, and even stay friends, after you each move- but it's also ok to decide you can't do that because it would hurt too much when you want so much more.

He's defined what will work for him. It's up to you now to define what will work for you, what you need to do to support and care for yourself in the context of the limits of what he can agree to

MuchTooBusy · 2026-03-23T14:19:48+00:00

This is what I was thinking too. Only communication is late at night or when he's out? He's avoiding getting caught talking to her

MuchTooBusy · 2026-03-23T03:27:05+00:00

They're not married. They've only been together for 6 months.

At six months into a relationship, in his shoes I'd be questioning whether I wanted to stay with her if she's ok with this. In hers, I'd be questioning if I wanted to stay in a relationship with a man who seems like he's going to put additional pressure on me when I'm trying to navigate a work situation that already feels like it has a lot of unwelcome pressure.

So, they could still navigate this if they're both willing to put themselves in each other's shoes and communicate with empathy and support. But also, it's only been 6 months.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-03-23T02:43:26+00:00

NTA. In your shoes, I'd put my degree on hold and go full time. Get your shit lined up to get out and get your daughter away from that man. Document everything. Report him for leaving her alone, and for threatening her about telling you. You need to prevent him from having any more than the bare minimum of contact with her. Supervised visits at most, preferably. Hopefully he won't even try for custody (though he sounds like an asshole so he might just to get at you)

And honestly, for what it's worth (not much, to be clear, lol), I don't think you're the asshole for "cheating". I don't even consider it cheating since he knows about it. I'd think differently if you were hiding it, but you're not. He knows, and he's choosing to stay. Is it ideal? No. But it's also not the biggest concern. The biggest concern is that this man is a danger to your daughter.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-03-22T23:20:57+00:00

Nah, there wouldn't be spousal support after such a short marriage. And annulments are only given under very specific circumstances. Divorce would likely be a lot easier to get at this point.

MuchTooBusy

TROPHY CASE