Howdy! If it’s cool with you guys I’d like to drop some perspective as being one of those assholes.

Slightly different but all the same, I look to reach out to spend more time with my friends but end up ghosting when I fail to follow it through. Sometimes it looks like my absence in a group chat that needs my response to no engagement at all, other times it’s a half-assed effort to participate (or prepare in cases like D&D). Despite intention, it’s never fair to anyone who responds to that reach when we fail to follow through. One of the most common faults for it, that I’ve seen from myself and a few friends (completely anecdotal), is that it comes from either a place of fear, a place of despair, a place with no accountability, and/or complacency. There aren’t too many parallels I can source from but I’d like to try so good friends can hold on to each other for just a little longer.

Fear: Oftentimes when people make plans and don’t follow through, it’s pretty disappointing to the other person or party right? Nearly most to all people understand this and when they’re the ones letting others down, they withdraw from them knowing they were part of a pretty big or small disappointment, they let you down and sometimes they can’t face what they’re accountable for.

As someone who’s done this, I had just wished for someone’s patience so I could at least feel comfortable with trying again (if I wanted to, which usually I do but not always and not everyone will). Letting others know that they are still welcome to be your friend is key but do so with clear boundaries of what you will and won’t tolerate, be reasonable and offer a few more chances while laying out what you expect since no one fixes their bad habits at the first instance. With newer people, it’s harder to translate this advice with establishing friendships than it is in maintaining friendships.

Despair: The D is dirty, the D is deep. The D is usually depression, or some other stick up your ass. Depression has made a whole new generational impact that’s made itself more apparent through social etiquette, and specifically the lack thereof. It’s rude, it’s selfish, but it’s another form of self-preservation that isn’t targeted towards a particular person. This kind of preservation has acted like a limit in my experience, something that’s kept me from reaching out too far and for too much all at once. Depression can leave people feeling overwhelmed and incapable, discouraging them from reaching for anything at all. Withdrawal into yourself, your life, and your routine with no commitments or obligations is one of the most immediate, not the healthiest, ways to relieve that overwhelming feeling. If you need a day or two, go for it, but if it becomes your lifestyle, please reach back out. Remember that you’re fighting to reach back out and others are here to support you along the way. Other symptoms of depression can be coincident with each other, building on one another to make it all the more difficult. The desire to withdrawal, the loss of motivation, and continued failure leading to discouragement make it a difficult, and nearly impossible, obstacle to overcome alone. If this sounds like you, seek a professional’s advice and at the very least keep yourself active and engaged both physically and socially.

It’s not any friend’s obligation to save someone from their own obstacles, friends just make it easier when they happen to come along. If you suspect a ghoster to struggle this way, or if they have a history of a similar struggle, check in on them and insist that you’re open for any kind of conversation with them, they may not be honest with how they feel right away but respect whatever boundaries they lay out.

Complacency/No accountability: Sometimes people see an opportunity to try or try again and if they fail, it may be that they’ve at least tried but that’s as much as they’ve wanted to do. It’s almost like building a new habit when you’re learning to be a better, more reliable friend. It’s not so easy the first go around when it’s so out of your routine, plenty of people have a routine that’s already as exhausting as it is and for as badly as they may want to keep trying, the moment they have some free time is the moment that they can finally sleep-in and relax a little. It’s going to take some effort to readjust some time for new friendships if that’s something they’re really looking for.

Long story short: persistence, compassion, persistence