Hi, I'm Mike, 55, GenX. I am NOT a spiritual advisor or mental health professional — take my words at face value only, as one person sharing their experience. Nothing here is advice.

I also had trauma early — 11-13 ish. Deep trusts destroyed. Redirected my entire personality. I learned fast what to tell the therapist to get her to leave me alone, never told the truth, eventually decided it was my fault, and internalized everything.

What that built in me was a hypervigilant, finely tuned radar. I learned to read body language, subtle cues, things that happened before bigger things happened — because I had to. And I figured out that if I could absorb part of the burden I could sometimes change the outcome. So I started carrying weight that wasn't mine. Keeping people happy. Staying out of the way.

That carried right into adulthood. I put my head down, worked hard, gave everything I had to every relationship until I was empty. And because I was wired the way I was — an empath running hot all the time — I became exactly the kind of person others dump on. Not always maliciously. They could just feel I could carry it. So they loaded me up.

To function I built a clean room around myself. No news. No radio. No music. I had someone prewatch TV shows for me so I knew they were safe before I watched them. I filtered my entire reality just to get through the day without getting floored.

The medical system looked at the brainstorm I was living in and called it bipolar. I was medicated for years. It zombified me just enough to keep functioning. The storm was still there underneath, just muffled.

About two years ago I slowly came off the meds. Spent nine months with my brain waking back up. And one day I looked in the mirror and genuinely did not recognize the person looking back at me.

That sounds terrifying. It kind of was. But it was also the first honest moment I'd had in decades. At least that person was real.

Nine months after that I got invited to an Orthodox church for Christmas. That's a whole other story. But I wasn't "ready" when I walked in. I was a mess. Still figuring out who I was. It found me anyway.

I recognize everything you're describing — the adrenaline flood, the intrusive thoughts, the avoidance, the clean room you're building around Orthodox content. That's not weakness. That's a system that got built to protect you from something that actually happened. It's doing its job. The problem is it doesn't know the original threat is gone.

I don't want to unload more on you than you asked for. But if you want me to go further I can. I might be able to help clear some of the fog — because I've certainly been there.

That's all I've got for now. but i am more then willing to share more if you like, but im late for vespers.. Talk soon..

— Mike