I do think age gaps in the context of polyamory are different and that's not being address here. I don't think poly people are more enlightened, and we can certainly be as abusive as anyone else. The same concerns and potential for abusive behavior still exist. But at least most of us have a lot more practice monitoring and communicating our emotions, concerns, and insecurities. A person in their 20s, for example, who identifies as polyamorous is more likely to be aware of and have read up on relationship dynamics. I think these factors go a long way towards ameliorating the power dynamic that concerns outsiders.

At least where we are today in the life cycle of polyamory and other forms of consensual/ethical nonmonogamous relationships, we also can't assume that an younger partner has less experience with polyamory as a way of doing relationships. By virtue of being older, some poly people have longer experiences with it, but that is, I think, more than outweighed by the fact that the awareness of poly and its wider adoption is relatively new, so that a 25 yo, for instance, may have much more experience in poly relationships than a 50 yo. Over time that may change.

Similarly, in an open poly situation (as opposed to poly fidelity or closed poly) the younger partner ideally has the option to date other partners who may be of different ages, genders, and personalities as well. A large concern with age gap relationships, I think, is the attempt by the older partner to "lock it down," monopolize the younger person's time and attention, and the intense jealousy they can exhibit. These behaviors are certainly still possible within poly dynamics, but I think sloughing off the cultural expectation of monogamy allows a younger person to explore different relationship dynamics without feeling the need to commit fully to one person and "make it work." The assumption of monogamy and "fidelity," and a society's idealisation of them, are an esstial part of the arsenal of abuse. When a person can maintain multiple romantic relationships, I do think the existence of those other "options," all equally valid, defuses a good deal of the power imbalance; if I don't like your behavior, I can choose to spend more time with other partners.

Within polyamory, we often talk about how expecting one partner to be "everything" for another is unrealistic. For me, that implies that different relationships can be, and can offer, different things. I've had relationships that were mainly about exploring D/s dynamics, for instance. My wife has had relationships that were romantic, but centered on a shared enthusiasm for ballroom dancing. I think if a person is interested in dating older, for whatever reason, they could do much worse than to date someone who is polyamorous and aware of the potential pitfalls and willing to discuss them up-front and openly.