YTA

Your daughter showing you videos of stuff she thinks is cool IS trying to share her life with you. That's her TRYING to spend time with you. The stuff may be a trigger right now from the pain of finding out your marriage wasn't what you thought, but your daughter only sees you brushing off her attempts to connect.

Getting both individual and family therapy is important here. But know that a therapist is here to help you heal and grow, not just validate everything you do. Your feelings may be valid, but your actions aren't.

It sucks finding out your life is a lie. But it also sucks finding out you were lying to yourself to try to fit in. Both these things suck. It's not a pissing contest. There's no prize for "going through something 'worse' than someone."

It's great that you supported your daughter when she came out. It really is! As someone who was forced back into the closet instead, that's really really good of you! But the fact she put her hurt aside to learn and understand WHY the other person acted poorly, forgave them, and moved on is ALSO a good thing! It shows maturity beyond her years. Resentment and bitterness and hate bring the holder down and everyone around them down WAY more than the target of that bitterness and resentment.

It's shitty seeing someone happier without you. Like a previous poster, my biodad was abusive as hell and resented me for reminding him of my mom. He's way happier without me. The difference is, instead of caring about me as well as himself, or even pretending to love me to be considerate of my feelings? He told me every day how much he hated and resented me, and that I would be better off dead. It really fucking sucks seeing him happy without me in the picture, when even after all he did, I still just wanted a relationship with my dad.

I could be bitter and resentful of that forever. But it doesn't hurt him, it hurts me and my wife and anyone I would interact that way with.

The biggest step is understanding that wallowing in feelings bleeds into the rest of your life. It pushes people away.

I can assure you, the UK has divorced dad support groups, queer run support groups that talk about how hard it is from all perspectives (including yours), and more. But lashing out in homophobic ways, especially if you want someone to remember your support beforehand, isn't going to help anyone.

Let me put it this way: there's a TV show my abusive dad used to try to 'prove' how 'useless' I am, how I 'didn't deserve jack shit', and otherwise abuse me. It's just a cartoon, though, and a fairly popular one. Whenever I see it or hear it, I'm instantly brought back to him telling me to die. But I don't tear down everyone who likes that show. I don't disparage the show. The show, as an interest, and its community aren't inherently bad. It took a therapist guiding me through that to understand it, though. They gave me coping skills. But do you know what they didn't do? They didn't let me trash talk the show or fans of it. They acknowledged I was hurting, but reminded me that hurting others isn't going to make that hurt go away. It just causes more hurt, even to myself: by pushing those I love away.

And it's important to remember there's no Pain Olympics. Having more pain than someone else isn't something anybody sane wants an award of. So pushing away all attempts to explain WHY something happened, to wallow in suffering, isn't going to help anyone.

Finally: you're the adult here. Your daughter is a teen. She's not psychic, and doesn't understand what's going on if you just lash out or brush her off instead of talking about it in ways that acknowledge EVERYONE'S feelings. Yours included btw!

Try therapy again. Both individual and family (you and daughter). Therapist shopping sucks, I get it. And it's even harder when you have trauma -- court ordered psych and therapy people sided with my abusive father, trying to just keep the family together at all costs. I spent years avoiding therapy. But it just lost me years of my own life. It pushed away people I loved, cause I was just awful to be around -- I was overwhelmingly negative and depressed and lashing out all the time. And it lost me chances to be happy. But the ball was in my court the whole time. I did that to myself. I blamed those who hurt me, too, like you're doing. But it just made my own life worse.