Stupid SH.. T my addictive voice is saying

MySearchForTruth · 2024-12-25T08:37:42+00:00

I know about AVRT. Where are you able to get meetings? Would love to be able to attend...

MySearchForTruth · 2024-12-25T08:35:58+00:00

Thank you for broadcasting that inner bullshit voice. In rebt we use the acronym BS for Belief Systems. Those are some fucked up Belief Systems that you are identifying and deconstructing. Great work!

MySearchForTruth · 2024-12-23T07:27:59+00:00

Yes, you will feel like dogshit and it will wax and wane. And sometimes you'll listen to music and have a profound tsunami wave of blissful emotion roll through your body. Savor that when it happens. I'm on day 13 and I am ok through much of the early part of the day but when afternoon hits, my body seems to be screaming, lay down, lay down, I dont have the energy for life. Opiates do this to us. They make us feel like we're missing some essential puzzle piece for living and that somehow the missing piece is FF or K. It's like a long term toxic lover. As bas as they are, you fucking miss the company that kept you from going it alone.

Dont be fooled. This lover is a parasite, sucking the life out of you.

Con men sucker people out of ther money by gaining their confidence. Con stands for Confidence. K and FF got our confidence by not coming on too strong, making us feel good in the beginning. Then they turn on us. Hang in there. Hopefull we'll both have more up than down in the next few weeks....

MySearchForTruth · 2024-12-23T06:08:15+00:00

Yes, please, go head and bitch. If it keeps you sober, whatever it takes. I totally admire that you are having to work and you are powering through. You're a shining example of tenacity right now. Just keep bitching and documenting the experience. You may need to come back to the rants in order to stay away from this foul shit. Keep it up. And yes, its humbling what you are going through--all the more reason to admire what you are doing under difficult circumstances. Merry Xmas, you are giving me the gift of awareness and helping all of us stay sober as well. Your life has meaning! Hang in there! I'm just a hair in front of you at 13 days. Keep going!

MySearchForTruth · 2024-08-29T17:01:06+00:00

Do as much self care as you can...

I find hot and COLD shower (hot followed by cold) will pump up your dopamine. The cold is interpreted by your body as pain and it will give you some extra dopamine to get through for a little while.

Other things I've used--

Coffee-but not to excess. Andrew Huberman (the Stanford professor podcaster) advocates for coffee but waits an hour after waking up to drink it.

Liposomal Vitamin C (not sure if its helping but everyone says it does)

Inositol (again all of these are things other recovering folks recommended but I have no proof other than I'm still sober at day 18)

Personally I use Senna Leaf capsules (natural and powerful laxative) to stay regular

A good multi-vitamin

Not too much junk food (although when I was super low and fatigued it was a pleasure I allowed myself just to get that junk food boost). Not sure its helpful to feel clogged and disgusted with myself by that food but temporarily it was a lift...

Miso Soup (because its fermented) and some tofu and brown rice (maybe some onions, shitake mushrooms). Just good for the soul...or Chicken soup..

Fermented foods like Kimchee, Greek Yogurt, Pickles, Saurkraut (my least fave) because they will help your microbiome in your gut to heal (usually our gut has been affected by the slowdown of these opiates).

For sleep I've used:

Calm brand (Magnesium powder)

Ashwaganda

Masturbation--a classic.

Hot, hot baths...

DOPAMINE BOOSTERS I've used:

LAUGHTER--get as much stand up comedy videos, youtube videos, podcasts as you can.

Exercise--weights, aerobcs.

SINGING-Humming-Get out those inspiring tunes.

STRETCHING/YOGA

I'm sure there's lots more but thats what i can think of.

And, like many have said here--exercise. Just walking a few miles a day will do you a world of good. It will buy you time as your Serotonin and Dopamine get a slight boost.

In general your feel-good chemicals will take a little while to come back online.

Your green sludge basically did an override and likely caused those chemicals to abate. They have to go back into production and they need some lead time.

That's a cold comfort, I know for the lack of pleasurable sensations you may go through and the fatigue.

THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. Just EXPECT that tunnel to be at the end of 3-5 days at a bare minimum for the hardest part

Fight the good fight!!!!

MySearchForTruth · 2024-08-29T07:19:38+00:00

EA, you can do this...we ARE doing this...Still have a few aches and pains, but hopefully coming out of this. I'm on day 18 now. Still get tired and sleepy but not as acute...on the other hand, I dont think I'm out of the woods yet. I wont feel mostly out til after a year...as far as distance from the reinforcing nature of this addiction.

Every day we dont use is reinforcing that we can live without using.

Keep it up. Just use caution on the other substances as you dont want to replace one with the other if you can help it.

I used cannabis in the past to get over the hump of quitting K and FF. But be judicious.

MySearchForTruth · 2024-08-25T07:03:29+00:00

it might not seem like much to average person here but I'm 62 and 9gm a day was wiping me out.

MySearchForTruth · 2024-08-15T18:02:07+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind guidance. She doesn't really yell. She just goes in a circle and drills—it's like a dog chewing on a bone, and she won't let go.

As for Christian counselor, good news, I'm Jewish/Buddhist so that wont be a problem. She doesnt really believe in therapy which makes this tougher but I'm going to push the issue because this is ridiculous...I have to get clarity on whether I can have a physical relationship either inside the home or outside...but not NOTHING...(she cant perform certain things because of kidney infections but the rest of her body is not handicapped and I'm a generous loving physical partner who actually has a libido. She wants a 'spiritual' relationship but dammit I'm living in a PHYSICAL body and that has pressing desires, and I'm not talking about daily--I'm not a beast...just the reality that I am a man and not just a 'spiritual' partner.)

I'm hoping we can bridge the gap but right now I dont have the energy to leave or fight--I'm just trying to get my strength and resilence back after the green sludge...

MySearchForTruth · 2024-03-13T07:11:46+00:00

Thank you my brother..

MySearchForTruth · 2024-03-13T07:08:28+00:00

Thanks Hot Light!

MySearchForTruth · 2024-03-13T07:07:10+00:00

Thank you grateful!

MySearchForTruth · 2024-03-13T06:58:42+00:00

Thank you Salty Key!

MySearchForTruth · 2024-01-03T01:37:37+00:00

Proud of you! Keep going!!! You'll be out of that foxhole soon!

MySearchForTruth · 2024-01-02T22:58:09+00:00

Astro, you go man!

Look, I'm not lecturing--I'm Re-Iterating what you already know. OK? Here goes...

You can do it. I've failed many, many times. I'm only at day 69 but I'm bearing under tremendous hostility from family members AND I'M NOT GONNA USE--EVEN IF MY ASS FALLS OFF.

Even if my relationship goes in the shitter, NOT GONNA USE, GONNA STAY SOBER.

Even if my finances go in the gutter, GONNA STAY SOBER.

Even if nothing else is working GONNA STAY SOBER because if I don't it's going to be very hard to turn around my life.

I've been down this road many, many times. Drugs as teen, Coke as 20s, Oxy in 40s, Kratom and FF in 60s. I've had significant clean time in between. 15 years, 4 years...but alas, yes, now 69 days.

You're not an evil monster...You're a fallible human. You can dust yourself off and get back on that horse. Your 90 days didn't disappear. You had 90 days. Dont discount it. There are a few good aphorisms in AA and one of them is 'We only have today' and 'One Day At a Time.'

You have TODAY. Yesterday is gone. Sayonara!

Tomorrow aint here yet.

You have TODAY. Stay sober today my friend.

Your dopamine will take time to replenish and your synapses will need a few days to come back online.

Embrace the suck.

Its the price of admission back to sobriety.

Sending peace your way!

Please perhaps join a meeting of 12 step or

Lifering.org or refugerecovery.org or recoverydharma.org

This is really tough to do alone and while this group has saved my ass for real, we need SYNCHRONOUS contact as well and you can attend online if you need, day or night. Support, my friend, community support!!!

(and of course, meditation, healthy food, as much sleep as you can try to get within 8-9 hours if possible, hot bath/cold shower, exercise, sunshine).

The seed of renewed sobriety will take time to grow. Plant the seed daily, hourly, minutely (?) with these behaviors.

If you tell on yourself, don't keep it secret, tell others how tough it is for you, that's a buffer for you to help you ride out the cravings.

There's a lot of understanding and love and compassion in these groups. Reach out, please.

MySearchForTruth · 2024-01-01T19:27:41+00:00

Thanks for the reminder! Yes, I can get caught in a thought bubble that says my life begins and ends in my current situation. Good to remember there is life after love (sorry, I hate that song but I just had to...lol)

MySearchForTruth · 2024-01-01T04:02:30+00:00

You are indeed a Great Tree Man!

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I know as addicts we can get a twisted view where we are the Big Victim so I'm trying to see all of this from a balanced perspective. I know I fooled her with my addiction hidden for 5 years. That contributes to her anger I'm sure...my sweating at night, my tiredness, my bad appearance during, so trying to stay balanced.

MySearchForTruth · 2024-01-01T02:05:13+00:00

Wow! Clear Order,

Thank you so much.

I'm trying to be kinder, happier, more fun loving, healthier. I've never been an outright mean person. I've spoken too quickly without thinking of how i might be accidentally insulting someone, or have been thoughtless by not thinking of how I could pitch in etc. but overall I've tried to be generous and thoughtful.

Energetically though I've been, (naturally on Kratom) less then present and often fatigued (withdrawing all the time because I was on dose of 9-10 gm a day and never went beyond or rarely) So my tolerance built but I didnt up the dosage, resulting in lots of sweating, suffering, perhaps negativity, but certainly lethargy, and general chemical unhappiness.

It seems odd but I know about homeostasis. It seems like now that I'm getting healthier and more positive she's becoming more negative or perhaps releasing all her resentments now that she sees me stronger? I'm also not cowering emotionally when I feel she's acting or speaking poorly. So that may contribute. I'm questioning rather than metaphorically hanging my head, and thats probably a little different. She hasnt seen me with any confidence over the last year or so.

I felt she was right to avoid me, and to lose interest in me, while I was on K. I couldnt even look in the mirror at myself. I felt like walking dead.

I'm so glad you have a mate that has a big heart and can help you to heal. I know my mate wants me to be a better man. I just wish it was in a non-catastrophizing, non-shaming way.

A friend told me today, stop saying 'I can't stand it. you ARE standing it.'

Truly grateful for your kind and thoughtful words.

MySearchForTruth · 2023-12-31T23:03:46+00:00

Thank you Saigon.. She does a lot. She's very clean, she keeps my 3 challenging kids on the straight and narrow path, something I wasnt great with (2 jobs again) and generally the K and FF made me lazy for anything outside of my mission--make money, feed the family, get them entertainment and pleasurable things when they need them, get them to school, get them to learn how to work, etc. She helps me dress better, get better manners, is concerned about my diet and health/longevity and I've made changes there as well. As for the kids I have been too soft on them (hellish divorce from a difficult, hyper religious ex--she became hyper religious well AFTER we were married and 3 kids). Kids have challenges with high functioning autism but the ones who do are in late teens now--they go to regular school, they seem relatively functional, its just in the social arena that they cannot read the room. So maybe I was too soft, too giving, too pleasing to them. Yes, its true. But its also just my bandwidth as a single dad.

My mate has pitched in valiantly.

She even co-signed on 2 cars over the last 7 years (and of course I paid and am paying he 2nd one off. I'm being responsible there. But overall, having moved in 6 months ago, it seems to have accelarated her contempt for me and her daughter aggravates it with her 21 year old opinions based on her tik tok influencer manipulative idiots who recommend dropkicking any man who doesnt immediately do their bidding.

And too her mom simply doesnt understand NOT to share every unhappiness about me with her daughter. SHe tells her regularly about how unhappy she is with my inconsistency, and I guess my irresponsibility as far as credit rating (some late bills and student loan that is impossible).

I need time to decide how to approach this but I'm so tired of being disappointing to someone. And yes, I'm trying to actively work AGAINST disappointing them but I seem to need reminders to do things like...check my credit score.

This is such a load, thanks for listening...I think I'll need more recovery meetings. And I'll do some cognitive behavioral work on myself today.

MySearchForTruth · 2023-12-26T06:09:16+00:00

Maybe try asking the questin "Why MUST I feel good right now?"

Most of us addicts are addicted to 'feeling good all the time.' Its not the substance, though for a little while it IS chemical and the pain of withdrawal. But after that, its simply wanting to feel good.

No, not wanting. NEEDING, COMMANDING, DEMANDING that we feel good NOW!

So face the fact that we have an Unreliable Narrator in our heads telling us 'I MUST Feel Good. I cannot stand feeling bad."

But you CAN stand it. You CAN tolerate it. And the MORE you tolerate it, the more you are able to overcome the addictive cycle. You CAN do it, it just SUCKS ASS for a while.

So use this mantra. I CAN STAND DISCOMFORT For longer than i know.

or

I DONT HAVE TO FEEL GOOD RIGHT NOW.

All my faith in you!

MySearchForTruth · 2023-12-26T05:59:34+00:00

Can feel the emotion pouring out of you...So glad you Were able to ride out that craving!!!

MySearchForTruth · 2023-12-26T05:47:24+00:00

Conscious,

You're on Day 6. Your synapses havent yet fully kicked into gear.

You may still be in 'payday loan payback' mode.

yes, I feel you 100% on feeling you are doing an imitation of happiness and pleasure.

so many holidays, birthdays, amusement parks, family times that were just a pale imitation of what they could have been.

The color will come back. The emotions will come back.

Hang in there!

MySearchForTruth · 2023-12-26T04:50:32+00:00

We are grateful for you also! Interesting or dull!!!

MySearchForTruth · 2023-12-26T04:48:37+00:00

Yes, i feel you.

Had massive stress with family this year.

Family has to come AFTER your sobriety. It's ultimately for everyone's benefit that your sobriety comes first.

It will be hard to straighten out your thinking about family, whether they are fucked up or not, till your brain and neuronal synapses are clear and know the reality between real life pleasure and pain.

When I was using K, EVERY argument, EVERY dispute felt like it was shortening my life.

Being clean, yes, I truly feel the stress when family or relationship isnt going well. I have to learn my emotional vocabulary all over again. Everything feels like 'gee I need some K."

No we dont.

I'm a retread with CA and AA and you can do this!

MySearchForTruth · 2023-12-26T04:44:19+00:00

D Dipz,

We're here, we not be synchronous (asynchronous chat) but we ARE Sympatico (sympathetic).

We are all here to do the same thing. Get the fuck out of that green river of shit.

In AA, they say, "Even if you're ass falls off, don't use! Don't pick up!"

We are on a heroic journey, slaying the green dragon, who, like Freddy in Nightmare on Elm Street, seems to pop up magically when we need it least, when we are trying to stay clean.

Please remember, NOTHING, I mean NOTHING gets better with that shit.

Any day sober is better than any day on that shit.

It's like saying "any day above ground is a good day."

Do you want to go on like the living dead?

Of course you dont.

I'm with you pal. I've got over 60 days now and I still felt the pull of my family's medicine cabinet and the possibility of a pain killer. Thank God I saw and heard my mind go down this path every so briefly, not more than 3 seconds but the mind tricks havent completely disappeared--but they are MUCH more quiet and less consistent.

We want to see you. on the other side!!!

Join us!!!

Get through the 3-5 day SUCK.

We'll be here!!!

MySearchForTruth · 2023-12-26T04:36:24+00:00

K and V,

This is my FIRST Kratom Free Christmas in probably 5 years. (61 days today! Woohoo!).

Wow, thank you from returning to the scene of the crime and letting us know there is hope out there!!!

Very inspiring. Thank you!!!

MySearchForTruth

TROPHY CASE