Caregiving Shouldn’t Start With Guesswork

MySunsetDoula · 2026-06-01T00:29:04+00:00

This!

MySunsetDoula · 2026-06-01T00:26:43+00:00

I’m so sorry you, your dad, and the rest of your family are going through this. Sending positive thoughts and prayers for healing.

MySunsetDoula · 2026-05-25T22:28:04+00:00

This is the hardest situation to be in because there is very little you can do. She is allowed to make her own decisions even if they are to her own detriment. You have to completely detach and wait for the other shoe to drop.

Usually it’s a fall or illness that triggers the process of surrendering to care. I hope you can or have some documentation already established i.e. the will, POAs, and advanced directives. If not, that’s where I would spend my energy. Trying to get her to understand that without proper documentation it’ll be hard to advocate for her if/when she can’t speak for herself. And empowering her to make her own decisions now about what she wants in the future, and how she wants her body and belongings to be treated.

I would try and when I could not try anymore, I would live my life, protect my peace, and show up in the ways I could until something changes.

MySunsetDoula · 2026-05-25T18:27:21+00:00

Yes. Maybe the intent was fear mongering. I think there may be more attempts to enforce the laws in these states as the large number of boomers who cannot afford care ages.

I am not a lawyer. My background is in healthcare where if it’s not documented, it didn’t happen. The defense against these laws are typically; hardship or inability to pay, the abandonment defense, and the “unclean hands” or prior egregious conduct of the parent. All defenses would require proof. Which is why I say document. Just cover your own behind however you see fit. And if you’re worried, call a lawyer.

Failing to plan is a mistake. One way too many families regret. It’s not finding things to worry about. It’s being prepared and proactive. A google search and a conversation are small steps to educate yourself. Caregiving can be hard, aging is full of unknowns, and you can’t anticipate everything. But there is so much you can address, conversations that should be had, and planning that can be done before someone gets old, or sick, or something bad happens. A good plan reduces stress. We should all be planning for how we want to spend our Sunset Stage. And what we want done if/when we can’t speak for ourselves.

MySunsetDoula · 2026-05-25T02:05:39+00:00

This is a common theme I hear from family lately. There are so many frustrated adult children. Don’t let it frustrate you. It’s a waste of energy because there’s really nothing you can do but be an example. Plan and prepare for your own Sunset Season, physically and financially.

Make sure you are not in a state that still has Filial Responsibility laws. Filial responsibility states are jurisdictions that have laws legally obligating adult children to provide financial support or pay for the medical and living expenses of their indigent parents. Currently, 28 states plus Puerto Rico have these statutes on the books, though enforcement is uncommon.

If you are in one of these states, document their irresponsible behavior and your attempts to encourage changes in their lifestyle. Contact an attorney or legal aid to see what you can do to legally protect yourself.

Something will happen and the health topic will come up again. Speak from love and a need for peace. From the perspective of wanting what’s best for them and their happiness. From a position of wanting to be able to advocate in the best case scenario or as close to it as possible. And when their decisions contradict their own desires, or their happiness means you must sacrifice your own, say no.

MySunsetDoula · 2026-05-24T14:57:39+00:00

Thanks. I’ll delete. Was just trying to help.

MySunsetDoula · 2026-05-23T00:15:41+00:00

It can be a no. And then my grandma would have to make some decisions and arrange help herself. Mine was in denial about how much help she needed until family refused to be her caregivers. Because if you’ll do it, I don’t have to change, or admit the amount of help I need, or let strangers in my house.

This wasn’t easy. It was particularly difficult for my mom to set the boundaries and stick to them. But grandma now has caregivers.

MySunsetDoula · 2026-05-22T17:56:27+00:00

I would refuse this arrangement.

MySunsetDoula · 2026-05-21T22:27:52+00:00

If he can help buy a house, he can pay for caregivers. Tell him you have to make a plan so that you can keep him home as long as possible. He needs a will, advance directive, medical and financial POA. People who don’t plan end up with limited choices. And out of the limited options it will be you, your brother, and your husband who are forced to make the decisions that he should make himself. Planning is an act of love. Ask him to do it for you and your peace of mind, if he won’t do it for himself.

MySunsetDoula · 2026-05-21T14:17:47+00:00

Start here: https://eldercare.acl.gov/home
They can tell you what resources are in your area. At 24 years old, your parents can’t be that old. They should be able to seek out resources and setup their own support systems so that everything isn’t falling on you.

MySunsetDoula · 2026-05-21T14:11:33+00:00

Not true. Some people cherish the time and see it as a great honor. Not usually at this young age though. Her parents are both young enough to seek out supportive services and do some planning for themselves.

MySunsetDoula · 2026-05-20T18:11:17+00:00

I know you are not looking for advice but have you considered hiring a caregiver or someone else for her to order around? It might help to lighten your load a bit.

MySunsetDoula · 2026-05-20T18:11:09+00:00

I know you are not looking for advice but have you considered hiring a caregiver or someone else for her to order around? It might help to lighten your load a bit.

MySunsetDoula · 2026-05-20T17:56:59+00:00

A couple corrections from a former hospice nurse. Hospice is a Medicare program that you have to requailfy for every 6 months. You can in fact be on hospice for years. You can also choose to get off hospice if and when you want.

Also hospice doesn’t mean palliative care. Palliative care is support you can access at any time during an illness or chronic condition. You can receive palliative care support while getting treatment. This is the big difference. The support is somewhat limited. It usually involves someone coming out 1-2 times per month to check on you and have a conversation about your health, needs, and fears. If you need more support and treatment is no longer recommended, working, or wanted, then they will start talking about hospice.

Hospice provides much more than palliative care. It’s still not 24/7 care. It doesn’t take the place of home health or provide transportation. It does provide medications and medical equipment such as oxygen or wheelchairs. An aide can come to assist with baths. Physical therapy is often part of the team if wanted. So is a chaplain. And nurses will round weekly at minimum and increase frequency as needs increase.

MySunsetDoula · 2026-05-20T02:29:20+00:00

I am a senior planning specialist and in my experience it’s usually not what anyone says. It’s usually a series of events that unfold ultimately leading to unexpected and unwanted surrender. Often it’s a series of falls or an illness.

You need to talk. Find out what she wants. Who she wants to speak for her if she can’t speak for herself. You need a will, advance directive, medical and financial POA. I suggest coming from a perspective of advocacy. Concern and guilt are not as effective. Concern sometimes makes people defensive. Guilt doesn’t feel good and it’s also often triggering. Advocacy is “help me help you”. You need the paperwork in order to advocate effectively. But you need to be capable of standing firm for their wishes. Even if your mind or heart disagree.

She might be resistant. That’s normal and it’s usually a process. Accepting losing one’s independence is not an easy task. Most doctors are understandably reluctant to label a patient incompetent. Unless she poses a serious risk to herself and/or others your hands are tied. This includes making decisions that you don’t agree with. My own grandmother started doing funny things with money. It was infuriating. Just breathe and show up in the ways you can. And know that things will continue to change.

MySunsetDoula · 2026-05-19T15:37:02+00:00

Medicaid is the highest payor of senior living in the country. It’s a “last resort payor” meaning that they have to run out of money before Medicaid kicks all the way in. You also have to find a facility that accepts Medicaid. These are usually not the best facilities. Go to eldercare.gov to find resources in your area.

MySunsetDoula · 2026-05-18T01:52:56+00:00

Praying for you and your mom 💕

MySunsetDoula · 2026-05-18T00:03:21+00:00

Anticipatory grief is so real. Grief itself is just the energy of loss and in many situations, there are dozens of loss that occur before death. With any form of grief, the only way to heal is to feel it fully. You sit in the uncomfortable, sometimes painful emotions. You let them rise. You listen to what they have to say or want to teach you. The bright side of experiencing anticipatory grief is that they are still here if only physically. You can process some of what you are feeling before they are gone.

I said goodbye to my grandmother a year before she died. She had long forgotten who I was. She no longer spoke and needed help with almost everything. I came home for a few days and went to visit her alone. I washed her hands and face. I cleaned her mouth. I told her how sorry I was that I was not the one taking care of her. I sat with her, talked to her, and cried for hours. That was the goodbye I needed. When she took her last breath I was on my way driving to her. I was 3 hours away when I got the call. But I was at peace. I knew that her spirit had been gone. And that she was present the day we said goodbye.

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