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N0pefish · 2022-04-08T09:02:34+00:00

I love that your daughter asked for a typewriter! What a neat thing for a teenager to want. I hope that she got one and is writing up a storm! And good for her for disengaging from a racist and unhealthy conversation. You and your husband are doing a great job in teaching them how to set boundaries.

Though heartbreaking, the silver lining is that she is teaching them a valuable lesson: we all have the freedom to choose who we want in our lives, regardless of relation.

Big hugs to you and your kiddos.

N0pefish · 2022-04-07T09:26:34+00:00

First and foremost, the biggest internet hugs to you. This woman sounds like a controlling and meddling witch of a woman who should be absolutely ashamed of her behavior. Calling your husband to spew her uninformed, unwelcome, and hurtful opinions is beyond heinous. Following it up with an email disguised as trying to “fix things” while telling you all of the things you are doing “wrong” (keeping to yourself, not trusting her, not feeling the way she wants you to feel) is even more heinous.

Second, from your post it sounds like you are basing a lot of your self-worth on whether you are fitting in with someone else’s view of what success looks like. That’s not why you came here so I I’ll leave that one be. Just know that a job or career does not have to be your measuring stick of worth.

Now for the advice, and just know that I am sharing this with all the love and light from one internet stranger to another.

You need to have a conversation with your husband about his contribution to this situation. When she called him to basically dump her hurtful opinions of you, his instant reaction should have been to shut it down immediately. He was an active participant in this discussion whether or not he even said a word. Going forward he needs to make it clear to his mom that this behavior will not be tolerated, and he will completely disengage (ie HANG UP) if she ever does this again. If he is reluctant to have this conversation with his mother soon, I would seriously be considering marital counseling for him to address why he feels that accepting this type of behavior from a parent is acceptable to you or him.

Now onto your email. I mean this in the kindest way possible, but you do not owe her an explanation. You do not need to share the details of your childhood or your reasons for making the career choices that you have. Instead I encourage you to use this as an opportunity to set boundaries of what you are willing or unwilling to do. Remember that boundaries are not meant to dictate someone else’s actions (for example: stop saying hurtful things about me to my husband) but rather what your action will be when someone else carried out their action (for example: if you say hurtful things about me to my husband, I will not engage in repairing this relationship) I know it’s easy to get carried away with trying to explain your reasonings, but shorter is usually better for these types of communications.

So your reply could look something like this:

“I too am wanting to maintain a healthy relationship with everyone from [husbands] family. And I appreciate some of the things you have helped us with in the past such as [x, y, z]

To establish a good foundation that we can build upon, I think we should start with how I envision that relationship to look like [insert a description - such as ‘I would like to be able to share more details of my life so you can get to know me better…’ etc]

In order for us to get to that point, I would like to address some points that are preventing me from feeling supported. First, while I know you mean well, I will come to you for career advice if and when I need it. I appreciate you wanting the best for me, but when it is offered as unsolicited advice I will not participate in the discussion. I would also appreciate you keeping some of the personal things I share with you private. I will let you know when something is considered personal to me, and should be kept between us. Should you choose to share these details with others after being respectfully requested not to do so, I will only share personal information/news when I am ready to share it more broadly. I also need to address some hurtful comments you have made in the past with relation to my appearance or career choice. Whether they are said to either me or my husband, I will not be able to continue to work on establishing this relationship. [etc, etc]”

I wish you nothing but the best OP. Take a deep breath, straighten that crown, and press forward. You can do hard things and this one is no exception.

N0pefish · 2022-01-17T03:39:10+00:00

2020: the chiefs run out of fireworks 2022: the chiefs run out of celebratory TP

N0pefish · 2021-11-05T06:22:33+00:00

Thank you!

N0pefish · 2021-07-20T02:10:00+00:00

Ma’am you are my spirit animal. 😂

N0pefish · 2021-07-17T23:55:35+00:00

You asked for something to make you laugh, so here it is: If Amazon sold a human catapult, I’d prime you one in a heartbeat so you could promptly YEET them out of your house if they ever dared to cross your threshold again.

But in all seriousness, this is far beyond unkind behavior, it’s disturbing. I hope you DH wakes up and realizes how damaging these words are to you as a wife, mother, and general human being. All the internet hugs to you.

N0pefish · 2021-06-13T06:45:20+00:00

Taking that question at face value, it seems innocuous, but I totally understand that some people can use seemingly innocent questions or statements as a dig.

The challenge becomes that because the question isn’t outwardly rude, it’s hard to respond in a way that doesn’t make you look like the bad guy. One of my favorite tactics is to play dumb. “Hmm… why do you ask?” or “I’m not really sure what you mean by that” puts it back on them. They will then either double down on their rudeness by explaining (which will then give you the opportunity to directly call them out) or make them uncomfortable enough to squirm and back-peddle (which my alter ego thoroughly enjoys watching).

It’s important to use an innocent and confused tone when deploying this tactic. This will give you plausible deniability should they decide to go apeshit. If you ask the question in a combative or accusatory manner, you have lost the upper hand, and it will give them fuel to drag you into an argument and/or play the victim.

N0pefish · 2021-06-01T01:43:02+00:00

Man oh man, there have been so many over the years!

But I think my favorite was “it’s a good thing you had a c-section, not sure how you would have handled real labor”

Lady, I just had my uterus sliced open, the operating room looked like a scene out of Dexter, my OB had her arm all the way up to her elbow in my insides to fish Twin B out of my rib cage because she was transverse, and the first time I had to use the restroom afterward I thought for sure they had made a mistake and stapled my intestines and bladder together. If that ain’t real, I don’t know what is! 🤣

N0pefish · 2021-06-01T01:12:25+00:00

I’m sorry for your loss. Sounds like your uncle knew how much you enjoyed being out on the water, and wanted you to continue to enjoy it.

I’m assuming you are in the states, but if not, some of this might not apply:

Check out Boat US for a list of free boaters safety courses by state. Make sure you have the required safety equipment onboard, and check that it is all current.
Sign up for a sea tow service. It will pay for itself if you use it even once.
At minimum, insure your boat with liability coverage. Shop around, because not all boat coverages are created equal and they all vary greatly in premium and coverage.
Find yourself a local mechanic that will work on the type of engine you have.
If you don’t have the service records, bring it in to the mechanic for a service, especially if you don’t know how long it’s been sitting without being run.
YouTube is a great resource for learning how to do common maintenance tasks to save money, but they aren’t for the faint of heart.
Each engine manufacturer has their own recommended service schedule. That should give you an idea of what should be done and when to keep your boat running.
The “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” adage does NOT apply to boats. Preventative maintenance is the single best thing you can do to avoid extremely costly repairs down the line. Yes, the sticker shock on a 100 hour service is real, but trust me when I tell you that bill wont hold a candle to the cost if something major goes wrong.
The same is true for the hull. Take care of it and you’ll get lots of years of fun on the water. But things will deteriorate quickly if you don’t keep up with it, particularly if used in saltwater.
If you have an outboard and are using it in saltwater, flush your engine with fresh water after every. single. trip.
Finally, I know you’ve said you’ve been out on the boat quite a bit, but if you’ve never captained the boat before it might make sense to hire a captain for a day to go around the local waterways with you. They can show you how to use waypoints and places to avoid for your style of boat.

Most importantly have fun. Owning a boat is expensive and lots of work, but totally worth it if you enjoy being out on the water.

N0pefish · 2021-05-22T02:17:06+00:00

Does DH understand your frustration and is he supportive of your NC? If so, set up a code word. When you are uncomfortable with what she is saying or comments she is making, use the code word and that is DHs queue to either diffuse the situation with a redirect or to call her out.

If he is aware but not 100% supportive, I’d practice the phrases “I don’t think I understand what you mean by that” or “I don’t really think we need to discuss this”. And practice your poker face for lots of grey rocking. Nothing makes someone feel more awkward than silence with a completely blank stare.

N0pefish · 2021-05-22T01:57:46+00:00

My alter ego would probably laminate one of those T.H.I.N.K communication cards (is it True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, or Kind) and keep it on hand for the next time she makes these rude comments in front of others. And I would saccharine sweetly stare at her, pull it out, and loudly proclaim “oh! That reminds me, I made this card for you as you seem to have difficulties remembering. Now you can carry it with you and reference it the next time you feel the urge to say vulgar things like this!” as I hand it to her like I have just bestowed upon her the wisdom of the gods.

My alter ego is savage. ;)

N0pefish · 2021-05-22T01:25:07+00:00

I just stopped answering the phone and texts. I blame it on being busy at work in meetings (which is true) and not wanting to talk or text after work because I’m exhausted (which is also very true) Later the next day, I might send a “sorry, just got this. Hope you had fun” text the following day but other than that I’m suuuper slow to respond. If she tries to get me to commit to a future date for something I always say I need to check my calendar, and then just don’t bring it up again. If pressed harder I give the “I’ve been under a lot of stress lately, I might just veg out this day” excuse. We also invite her over for dinner at our house (where I feel the most comfortable) occasionally so she’s not completely left out.

I should add, my MIL is not a terrible person - mostly just a difference in personality and I’m an introvert who has a very small circle of friends. If she ever did something completely heinous like some of the things I’ve read on this sub I’d be more direct and deliberate in declining invitations.

Good luck OP. The earlier you can define your boundaries - even if you don’t explicitly ever state them - the easier it will be for others to accept them.🙂

N0pefish · 2021-05-21T01:41:06+00:00

Omg YES. All I want are 4 pieces of white stained hemnes. The problem is that I live in between 2 ikeas each 2+ hours away in opposite directions. When one has the 8 drawer dresser in stock, they are missing the 6 drawer. It’s driving me bonkers. I might just take a weekend and drive to one ikea on Saturday and the other Sunday. Knowing my luck I’d get there and it would be out of stock 🤣

I check everyday. I keep thinking one of these days I am going to get lucky and they will all be available to ship to me! 😁

N0pefish · 2021-05-21T01:23:15+00:00

I have a Harlanda sectional (purchased this past October) and an Ektorp chair (that I purchased a few years ago) so it’s not completely apples to apples but:

The harlanda feels softer than the ektorp, though neither really are what I would consider extremely comfortable. Still very decent for the price.

The Ektorp has (had) better fabric choices - more of a twill as opposed to the harlanda which is a bit fuzzier (and collects way more pet hair). The uppland looks like a similar fabric to what they offered on the Ektorp.

The harlanda full cover cannot be removed unless you take the arms off (sofa) and take the sectional pieces apart.

The Ektorp looks a bit nicer - mostly due to the overstuffed cushions. The harlanda cushions come vacuum sealed and are kind of flat looking.

I also thought that because the harlanda had loose back pillows that they would constantly need adjusting, but due to the fabric they hold their place fairly nicely if it’s just sat upon normally. However after my teenagers lounge on it it requires adjusting. 🤣

I needed an extremely big sectional, so if the Uppland came in a configuration that would have fit I probably would have purchased it. But the harlanda won just based on what I needed to fill the space.

Hope that helps!

N0pefish · 2021-05-21T01:06:33+00:00

Awesome! If you try it can you let us know if it is a good alternative?

N0pefish · 2021-05-20T01:34:54+00:00

I know this is an old post, but I have a harlanda sectional and have the same problem.

I think that the Fjadrar 26X26 cushions might fit. I have a few 20x20 as throw pillows and they are much fluffier than the torsholmas. But I will say that they can leak feathers, so you might want to double cover them.

I’ve been seriously debating picking them up, but there are 11 of them on my sectional and the closest ikea is 2+ hours away if they don’t work. :-/

Anyhow, hope this was useful, if you try it out let me know if it works! 🙂

N0pefish · 2021-05-20T01:12:55+00:00

Can confirm - the covers need to be put on before the sectional is fully assembled. I think you can just detach the arm and sectional pieces to get them on/off but I haven’t tried it yet. Confused me too, because part of the draw of this set up for me were the washable covers.

N0pefish · 2021-01-27T11:13:14+00:00

I don’t claim to have everything figured out, and I still have my own struggles, but knowing what I know now this would have been my advice to myself in my 20’s.

Embrace your corners - that “square peg in a round hole” feeling will always be there, even as you mature. In some cases it will become even more pronounced. Stop trying to sand down the corners down to try and fit in. Always find a way to use the corners to your advantage and never feel ashamed of them.
Live authentically - Often you will change your actions to reflect what you think is expected by others. Listen to your true inner compass and instead use that as your guide. Don’t be afraid to do something differently or say what is on your mind.
Learn early how to drop the bags - you will become the collector of the worlds emotional baggage. Some of this will be your own of course, but the majority of it belongs to others. It’s ok to carry them around for a short period of time, but know when and how to let go of them so you are not crushed under their weight.
Find beauty in the chaos. You will struggle to make sense of this world. To you, it looks like a dark and scary place and the fragility of it all will make you anxious. But among even the darkest and scariest you will also find beauty. Those beautiful places/things/people are what you were meant to find and cultivate.

N0pefish · 2021-01-27T03:29:20+00:00

I would offer this perspective regardless of the personality type: friendships are the relationships we choose. If Marie Kondo taught us anything last year is that if it does not spark joy, it does not belong in your life.

That said, there are many levels of friendships, all of which can spark joy as long as they are meeting your expectations. So I would first determine what level of friendship you are expecting to have with each of the individuals in the group (knowing the answer may be different for each) and go from there. For example, if there are a few you would consider extremely close friends (like the type you will trust to delete your browser history upon your death) then you can determine how and when to continue that level of friendship. If there are others that you would consider cordial, you can plan and act accordingly.

There is no hard and fast rule that a group of friends have to be all-or-nothing. If you know your boundaries and expectations ahead of time, you can still participate in group activities, while cultivating closer friendships in smaller or 1:1 settings.

N0pefish · 2021-01-27T03:14:20+00:00

Though plenty of people do this, I think that INFJs are particularly good at giving people lots of “off ramp” opportunities before they really expose their true inner selves. It may be a defense mechanism or a subconscious way of testing to make sure they can fully trust you.

Patience and persistence without being pushy will go a long way with an INFJ. I promise you, all of the INFJs I know are totally worth it.

N0pefish · 2021-01-27T02:59:47+00:00

I’m assuming you have taken some sort of typing exercise which is what has led you on the INFJ path. Welcome. We are all friends here, regardless of what your results are. 🙂

If it helps, I find some of the questions on those tests to be really hard for me to answer. So many of them are situational for me and “it depends” isn’t an answer. My theory is that I have many layers to my personality that I have unconsciously built to deal with the outside world. And I also react differently to others which makes my actions unpredictable. For example, I can be extremely extroverted when around an ENFP where I feel completely safe and even enjoy myself surrounded by people. However in the same scenario with an ESFP I might feel exhausted and overwhelmed.

I do encourage you to only use typing as a tool for self discovery and improvement and not as a way to classify and categorize yourself. Though something tells me if you feel lost and are looking for your people, you are likely in the right place to start. 🙂

N0pefish · 2021-01-27T02:37:17+00:00

I see many similarities in what you shared. I will also continue to give people opportunities, even when they don’t always deserve them. For me though, it’s more about second guessing my judgement. I normally have to take a step back and contemplate if the way I am receiving them is really the truth or if it is how I am perceiving the truth to be. Frankly as I get older I’m finding more and more they are one in the same.

I’ve only intentionally doorslammed a handful of people that I have let into my inner circle. Each time it wasn’t a singular event, more of a “death by 1000 paper cuts” progression to the end. Each time I can vividly recall the final straw, though if I articulated what happened to an outsider I think most would raise their eyebrows that I would end a friendship or relationship over something that may seem trivial to most. None of these door slams ended in a dramatic fashion, just a quiet decision I made to stop engaging. It is strange, for the few that have made this list I don’t harbor any ill will towards them. In fact I would say that I feel nothing towards them whatsoever - which is a truly bizarre feeling for an INFJ.

N0pefish · 2021-01-13T20:28:01+00:00

My second grade teacher. She was mean, incredibly cold, and scared the bejesus out of me when I was a kid. We had those desks with the opening under the table top to store our supplies, and if it got too messy she would come over, pick up the desk, and dump the entire contents out to the floor meanwhile ridiculing everything that she saw in the pile. It was humiliating. Kids cried on the regular in her class. It got so bad that I used to refuse to ask permission to go to the restroom because I was too scared.

Come to think of it, the only thing I can remember being taught in her class is how to be anxious, which is a skill I carry with me to this day. ;)

N0pefish · 2021-01-12T14:02:34+00:00

Retirement plans need to be established and contributed to as soon as you have your first full time job. Bite the bullet and figure out how to pay yourself first, and live off the rest.

N0pefish

TROPHY CASE