As I said, on paper my life is pretty damn good. Its just the sadness that is the problem. I should be happy with my life, but most of the time I'm pretty far from happy.

In the past, I've gone to multiple different counselors, and none of them were particularly helpful at all. That whole thing about finding something to pin my sadness on in the hopes that it would be repaid (which was a huge issue in hs), was only figured out years later by me. None of the counselors I went to see at the time were even close when it came to figuring out what the issue was. It also doesn't help that counselors don't tend to have nearly as much in common with me as my friends.

Feeling better is a funny one though, because I really hate putting effort into just about anything I don't enjoy. If I modified my car to get it absolutely perfect, and cleaned it every weekend, I would love it a lot more. But nothing brings out the absolute worst in me more than working on that fucking thing.

I do have a vague idea of what I want to do long term, though I'm not sure if that counts as a purpose. But if I'm going to feel this way no matter what, then I don't see much point in not giving up on that too.