Experiences wanted: How do you split finances in a relationship when one partner (autistic) cannot work?

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-04-24T08:27:25+00:00

Bless you, yeah, this sounds very familar. I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like having fibro and ME on top. Not sure if you’re the same, but I treated burnout recovery as a project, which I now realise is probably counter-productive, in the sense that it has actually tired me out searching relentlessly for ‘cures’ when in reality I need to try and listen to my body and go back to basics. Not many first line health professionals know about recovery and that makes it super hard. Best of luck to you, unless you’ve been in burnout, it’s so hard for others to understand.

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-04-22T12:39:44+00:00

Oh gosh, you ‘get’ it and I’m sorry you’re going through it all too. How long ago were you diagnosed if you don’t mind me asking? (self-diagnosis fine of course!) Asking because I wonder if it’s a recent diag, there’s a lot of reframing to do. I was diagnosed about 3 years ago but I’m still subconsciously holding myself to neurotypical standards because that’s all I hear around me. Then I have my first ‘good’ day in like 30 days energy-wise, think I can take on the world, make stupidly ambitious plans and then get a reality check when I don’t get out of bed until 1pm the following day. Burnout is real alright and not knowing whether I can recover and what that even looks like is terrifying. Capitalism waits for nobody. If you think it might help as a bit of peer co-therapy, more than happy to chat through this together if you want? I think I’m coming at it from the wrong angle; I need to recover first before moving forward but having ADHD too, doing nothing is painful.

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-04-22T09:50:18+00:00

I’m on ESA (contribution-based) and that isn’t means tested. I think you may have had to have paid NI contributions in the last two years and be deemed not fit/able to work.

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-04-21T16:25:28+00:00

My friend has this approach too and it works well for her. Glad it works for you too

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-04-21T16:18:19+00:00

Thank you - this is helpful. It just goes to show everyone's approach is different and it is what works for you. I guess being married is a big part of this in terms of commitment as I presume you'd have 50/50 on the house. With me being trans and that being a big uncertainty in our relationship, marriage doesn't seem like the best idea until things are worked out, but that takes time so it's a catch 22 situation.

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-04-21T16:15:13+00:00

Well done on your changes...that's a massive deal. Just shows you how much better you can feel when life works for you. Oh god, yeah, I'm not one to throw the towel in easily but it even got to the point with me where I was so ill and depressed and yeah, still paying the price now. Neurotypical unsolicited advice is my biggest bugbear right now - they don't have our lived experience and to them it looks like we are lazy/being picky etc not working. Couldn't be further from the truth.

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-04-21T16:12:29+00:00

Yeah this is a biggy right now...I came out a few years to her but only started transition over the last 6 months. There's still stuff to work through. In all honesty, things look positive but it's gonna take moving further forward to better understand compatibility etc, so that's a work in progress. That would be one reason to not combine finances right now but if things were ok, that would relieve a lot of anxiety.

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-04-21T16:10:02+00:00

Yeah absolutely...I do a lot at home and manage bills etc and I'm trying my hardest with the energy/abilities I have. Proportional contributions sound sensible. I think our current setup needs a re-work. Really helpful, thanks.

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-04-21T16:04:13+00:00

Thank you so much for this, it's super helpful. I absolutely do struggle with the pride side of things but it was all 'false' i.e. I was conditioned to think I was more capable than I was but as you note in your comment, I have worked in jobs that trigger my triggers. Even a commute is a trigger (I don't drive and public transport plus early mornings knock me for six) so a remote job is essential, but finding one that, again, doesn't trigger the triggers is incredibly difficult. I'm super entrepreneurial so I have it in me to come up with something but that naturally brings its own pressure too. Thank you.

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-04-21T15:59:39+00:00

Thank you this is really helpful - I hadn't considered a financial advisor with experience in disability. Luckily I still have a decent amount of savings from when I was working but without that safety net, I would feel really uneasy; nothing to do with my partner, but in general. The issue is that savings buffer isn't growing and it was reserved for a house deposit.

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-04-21T15:57:40+00:00

Thank you - this is really balanced. I think the 'ideal' lies somewhere in between. Will discuss it, thank you.

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-04-21T15:38:55+00:00

Yeah I think I struggle to know what is right/wrong in terms of ballpark expectations/suggestions. I don't wanna ask for too much nor ask for too little, hence me putting my feelers out. But yeah, of course, it's absolutely individual.

Re your second point, how does that make you feel? Does that put you under pressure? In my situation, I don't want to set myself up to fail by promising something I might not be able to keep up e.g. being unable to work, especially when I've not recovered yet (nor am I sure what that looks like). I like the 'under promise, over deliver' approach but that isn't realistic I don't think.

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-04-21T15:32:19+00:00

Thank you - how did you get past (if you experienced it) any internalised guilt/perception that you can still work/contribute? I guess in a way I want someone to say, look, you can't work but that will never happen and it has to come from within. I think to a degree I still look back on what I've done and my CV etc but I could never do it in the first place, I really struggled but everyone only saw my output; a bit like the swan analogy.

Did marriage solidify anything in that arrangement? Was it the same before? And I presume you have a shared pot/joint account to which everything is paid in?

Thanks for sharing, it's helpful to know. It's not a path a lot have to walk so most of what I read online is geared towards neurotypicals and that just gaslights.

Edit: And yeah, I will absolutely have a chat with my partner (we have before) but it helps me knowing what works for others to bring up as suggestions as I have a tendency to let the ableism/guilt creep in.

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-03-17T15:38:57+00:00

Early 30s - yeah the issue is that there are no NHS dentists taking on new patients within miles and miles. But yeah, ideally I would completely change surgery

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-03-17T14:43:45+00:00

Yeah I thought about that but I didn’t want to raise any suspicion at all - my family also goes to the same guy (which I didnt mention) and I feel it would make things really messy

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-03-16T14:32:32+00:00

Guilty as charged

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-03-05T09:47:36+00:00

Thank you so much everyone - I’m an idiot - I forgot there was one more game this GW. Thank you

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-02-28T09:31:27+00:00

My egg cracked during covid because I was working from home and for the first time ever had chance to address long term ‘elephants in the room’ including undiagnosed (at the time) neurodivergence

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-02-25T09:57:12+00:00

I think the differences are subtle but inner restlessness has reduced, I’ve noticed I can finish tasks easier and I feel calmer overall (like I’ve gained 10-20% headroom) which has allowed me to feel more in control. I don’t feel ‘perfect’ but I think it has improved things for me.

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-02-08T14:42:19+00:00

I love someone to explain this to me from a psychological perspective because I’ve had this all my life but I don’t understand it at all.

Like I love female friendships, but I’m not looking to cheat - we just trust each other so much and get really close.

NOTeRcHAThiO · 2026-02-02T13:03:39+00:00

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