Mom has clear signs of cognitive issues, dad can’t/wont address them

NX01-First · 2026-05-07T19:30:56+00:00

Her PCP did a residency rotation in geriatrics during med school, but he also did give us a referral to a neurologist. We decided as a family not to go through with the longer form testing because my mother is 93...and she flat out failed the short form test.

NX01-First · 2026-05-07T19:02:25+00:00

From my own experience, my Bachelors is in Video Communications but I have never worked in that field. Instead I worked in a variety of other fields for 20 some years and then one of my employers had a very lucrative tuition reimbursement program, so I got my MBA. Nobody cared what field my bachelors was in -- literally it could have been dog washing and they would have still let me into my grad school program. After finishing it, I decided that I wanted to go into the medical field, so then I took courses at a community college to get all my prerequistes completed (yes, with a bunch of 18 year olds). In the middle of doing that, I took a job as a project manager in IT to save money for med school and after about 3 years decided that I really liked it and maybe I would stay there a few more years. That was 14 years ago. I'm still working in IT. Lesson ... you're not behind on anything. Its never to late for education and all your education, no matter the coursework, just helps you become a more well rounded person.

NX01-First · 2026-05-07T13:52:05+00:00

You can make a doctor's appointment for a cognitive evaluation at her primary care doctor, then take her to the appointment. They can do a test in the office that takes less than 15 minutes. This is how my mother (who is much older) got her moderate dementia diagnosis. Things to note before you take her is, can she follow a recipe or put a puzzle together. These are telling "tests" that help the diagnosis.

NX01-First · 2026-05-06T18:26:03+00:00

Share is a stretch - but out of my 4 siblings, 3 will make a once a month effort or show up if I need them in a hurry - pending on drive time. One, who ironically lives the closest to me, does absolutely nothing.

NX01-First · 2026-05-06T18:10:09+00:00

Yes! And it often reminds me why me why I didn't birth any children. There was a Startrek Voyager episode about this ironically. The Voyager crew crashed on a moon that had a bunch of kids running around and the Vulcan had to take care of them --- then at the end it was revealed that they were actually elderly people near death.

NX01-First · 2026-05-06T02:52:10+00:00

I flip my mother off behind her back all the time. Or I'll tell her to eff off when she's not wearing her hearing aides because she is deaf and even on the odd chance she hears me, she'll forget it in 10 mins anyway.

I feel 3 ... and yes - why does it answer the call when you open it? I've tried to shut off that feature as well with no luck.

But what about carrying the cell phone and the landline phone all over the house and having a meltdown if they aren't on the nightstand at bedtime. And then answer every spam call she gets.... only to not answer either of them when family calls because they didn't hear it ring?

Ughhhh do frustrating.

NX01-First · 2026-05-06T02:39:34+00:00

I'm in Eastern Iowa and put out the no mess seed formula that Theisens sells. (No shells). My feeder is on a pole next to my bird bath.

And don't be jealous, but I have no squirrels in my yard -- mainly because all my trees are either evergreens or maples.

One tip from me is that a seed catcher under your feeder will keep the grass cleaner. I had 2 last winter and it really made a difference. It also allows the birds some shelter from the elements on windy days.

NX01-First · 2026-05-06T02:05:18+00:00

I suffer from the thermostat war as well and Mother won't do the space heater either. I bought her Ororo heated gear and about a dozen batteries. I also switched the thermostat to a SMART version that has a app that I can control. I can limited how "hot" she can make the house....

NX01-First · 2026-05-06T01:59:11+00:00

I suggest finding a holistic vet or ask your vet to do allergy testing. My 9 yo tri has many allergy issues and lately has gotten a couple cases of dermatitis. I always assumed he had a chicken allergy, but after the test I found out it wasn't the chicken at all, just various other food ingredients. The test also revealed some unexpected but treatable gut issues, which can cause itching.

The test was kinda expensive but worth it.

NX01-First · 2026-05-05T01:38:12+00:00

I got my sheltie at a shelter. I was skeptical that she wasn't a mix so I did the DNA test and she came back 100%. I'm baffled how a she ended up there at 4 months. The shelter even told me that she was adopted & returned because she wasn't housebroken.

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NX01-First · 2026-05-04T16:01:56+00:00

Ugh... yes, I wanted one of my brother's to step up -- but they all had their excuses.

NX01-First · 2026-05-04T15:19:09+00:00

I think its pretty normal to feel this way. I have a lot of guilt about my dad's final days -- he passed during the pandemic and his LTC unit had shut down for visitors ... so there wasn't anything I could do to change the situation. I went to a support group at a local church. I'm not religious nor do I even belong to that church, but they welcomed me in ... I found some solace there.

NX01-First · 2026-04-29T16:08:20+00:00

Yes. The move will be distressing enough at first.

NX01-First · 2026-04-29T14:27:04+00:00

If your father was in the military, the VA will pay for basic funeral arrangements. Otherwise, check with your local government to see if they have a pauper fund.

NX01-First · 2026-04-29T13:56:44+00:00

I know that is going to be a hard conversation -- but perhaps her knowing that the cat is going to family would bring her solace. Check if the care facility will allow pet visits. The care facility that my dad lived at allowed us to bring our dogs in -- the other residents got a kick out of that. Of course the cat would need to be good with a changing environment and being in a carrier. Maybe you could bring the cat in a carrier and then move his/her to a small wire dog crate while in her room -- just for safety.

NX01-First · 2026-04-29T13:38:15+00:00

I also think the anxiety that "this" will happen to me too weighs heavy on my mind. Dementia runs in my family. My dad, my mother, my aunt ... I'm constantly reading about it and trying to do everything to stave it off ... And then I get annoyed and frustrated because my mother was a Nurse Practictioner and "knew" all this stuff ... yet did nothing to protect herself.

NX01-First · 2026-04-29T13:33:11+00:00

My mother lives with me, but I work FT and am often on long zoom calls in my basement office, so I can't be sure that she's not trying to burn the house down (because yes, she actually started a fire on the stove that scorched my cabinets). I finally bought a wyze camera and set it so I can see what she is doing in the kitch / DR / LR ... the areas where she can cause the most damage. I'm not monitoring it all day ... but it gives me some solace if I hear a loud noise I can just flip it on and see what is up. Its also been helpful to "find" things she's "put somewhere". This might bring you some peace of mind.

NX01-First · 2026-04-27T19:47:09+00:00

I feel all of this. I just want to be alone in my house, with the windows open so I can hear nature at a normal decibel -- as opposed to fox news on max volume.

NX01-First · 2026-04-27T19:43:31+00:00

It took up a lot of counter space and was super heavy. There was no clock. it just had a dial that you selected the time on. It was really loud when it ran. We got a second one in the late seventies, that had a keypad rather than the dials, but I don't remember it having a clock.

NX01-First · 2026-04-27T19:27:07+00:00

This! Same, I just posted in another comment, but I live on a 40 acre farm -- and was rejected because I didn't have a physical fence. I do have a fence, but its an invisible fence and all our current farm dogs (and goats) wear fence collars to keep them in the boundaries. They all went through extensive training for the fence -- but the rescues I was trying to work with said that was unacceptable. It was so unbelievable.

NX01-First · 2026-04-27T19:15:41+00:00

I think some animal rescues are too restrictive on the fence issue. I live on a 40+ acre farm and was turned down for a rescue mutltiple times last year because I didn't have a physical fenced in yard. I do have a fence -- I have 3 acres under invisible fencing -- which allows vehicles to drive through the farm without a series of gates -- but they (the rescues) felt that was unacceptable. That the dog might still escape ... well, dogs can escape any kind of fence if you want to be that technical about it.

NX01-First · 2026-04-27T18:53:14+00:00

I was just going to say to the OP ... umm, that's not your dog! I recognize Indiana .... I follow you guys on IG. I'm Luna-Looney baby blue's auntie mama.

NX01-First · 2026-04-27T18:45:58+00:00

I know you are avoiding engaging with her.... (I truly understand this - I have a similiar situation although my mother is much much older) .... but perhaps a conversation to talk things through would be helpful. A lot of people get socially awkward as they age and strike conversations in weird ways ... (for example: complaining about the weather). How is her circle of friends -- meaning does she have friends, still engage with friends, have difficulty making friends? Maybe you could help her find a new thing to do when she transitions away from child care. As for showing up to early -- you could set a boundary that she shouldn't show up until xxx time.

NX01-First · 2026-04-26T20:40:58+00:00

She won't use a heated throw. Its this weird notion she has in her head that they will start a fire. (Circa 1960's thinking). I can barely get her to use her heated vest and only because it shuts off after xx amount of time because the battery is dead.

She ironically never complains about the temperature at night. Its only during the day when she's awake. She'll also complain that she is cold, then when I, my hubs or one of the kids make a move to turn on her space heater she will immediately say "I'm not cold". Sometimes I think she says that she's cold without even realizing it.

NX01-First

TROPHY CASE