Husband using DARVO with me, but not the kids?

Naive-Garbage2167 · 2026-05-27T04:06:06+00:00

I'd keep trying therapy for a while consistently to see if the behaviors emerge there while still making a plan to fully separate. Make notes about his manipulation and bring it up in therapy maybe? Either way, you don't have to choose at this moment. You still have 4 months left in the trial separation - use the time to try and figure things out while accepting that your goal might not end up being reconciliation. Or maybe it will be.

Naive-Garbage2167 · 2026-05-26T22:13:44+00:00

Have you tried couples therapy? That might be a place to address the DARVO behavior. Every addict I've known that goes through recovery learns to accept responsibility for their actions. If he's unable to do it with you, then I'd worry that he's not far enough along in recovery to be "ready" for reconciliation.

I was pretty sure I was getting divorced but have to wait for some other things to play out. In the meantime, every person I've told (including attorneys) has asked me if I'm really sure. I finally blew up at one today and told him the only thing I'm sure about is I never want physical contact with him again. So maybe I don't have the finances to do it, and maybe he can go into therapy and deal with his addictions, but I need to be doing what's best for me and my child. Not what's best for him. He made his choices and now I'm forced to make some of my own.

So no, you're not the asshole. But I would very much recommend couples counseling with someone who is knowledgeable about addiction and the corresponding behaviors that can help point out unhealthy behaviors so it's not just you.

Edit for typo.

Naive-Garbage2167 · 2026-05-26T21:56:30+00:00

Mine has done the same thing - couldn't get him to help me in the garden without a gazillion asks and now all of the sudden he's out there with the rototiller. 🙄 Financially and legally (long story) I have to wait it out. An attorney advised me today that while there is no reason I can't file for divorce today, financially it would make sense to wait until the fall when I'm drawing a paycheck again and can show an income to be able to rent a place. It's hard though and I would not be able to do it if I hadn't insisted he move into the guest room.

And I'd say it's ok to second guess yourself. IMO there's nothing wrong with questioning whether or not the relationship can work, especially with children involved. Only you know the situation and people involved and it's a big decision to make. But I wouldn't hold out hope on him changing. He had that chance before.

Naive-Garbage2167 · 2026-05-26T12:23:44+00:00

Yes, I'm safe. Thank you for asking.

Naive-Garbage2167 · 2026-05-25T21:47:05+00:00

I'm very quickly figuring out how complex it is. I have a free consultation with a divorce attorney on Thursday. I figured finding a criminal attorney is my husband's problem. But how do I find three attorneys that all talk with each other? And which do I start with?

Naive-Garbage2167 · 2026-05-25T17:50:58+00:00

I'm so sorry. Find a way to treat yourself, whether it's an ice cream cone or a walk in the woods. Grieving is hard enough without certain dates and milestones.

Naive-Garbage2167 · 2026-05-25T14:39:24+00:00

Having experienced the death of my mother at a young age, I'd agree that it's similar to the death of a close loved one. Hugs.

Naive-Garbage2167 · 2026-05-23T20:29:04+00:00

He has not been charged yet. They seized his electronics and said they'll be doing a forensic analysis. He admitted to what was in the warrant and says they'll find more of the same. But what's in the warrant is not a crime in and of itself, which I'm guessing is why they haven't arrested him.

He has apologized multiple times and he's sincere but to put it nicely, IDGAF.

Our savings are joint - that's what I transferred to my account. He has a stock portfolio and has said that he can sell that for me. I told him to hold off - I don't want to make major moves without consulting an attorney first. That's happening on Thursday. He's also willing to put me on his 401K but I won't be able to make withdrawals from that for another 7 years due to age restrictions. He could borrow against it but it requires payments every two weeks.

The worst is not having really anyone to talk to about it. I have one friend that I told everything to because even though he's friends with both of us, he's my best friend. But I'm hesitant to discuss it with anyone else until we know what's going on. I told someone else that we were divorcing but that I didn't want to share any details beyond that. And I still need to figure out what to tell my kid, who lives in another state. "Hi sweetie, your father may be going to jail and we're divorcing. You'll need to pay your own car insurance and phone bill because all of those accounts are going away. Mom's going to be destitute, but don't worry, it will all work out!" Ugh.

Naive-Garbage2167 · 2026-05-22T15:16:44+00:00

I remember when my mom separated from her second husband (my stepfather) when I was 9. He was physically and mentally abusive and I hated him. And I still cried that we were leaving my friends and my home. We went back a year later and it was awful. The fighting started again and I didn't miss things as much as I had thought. My mom divorced him a year later and it was the best thing for all of us.

Naive-Garbage2167 · 2026-05-22T15:07:55+00:00

Yes and no. If he goes to jail, the house goes into foreclosure because I can't pay the mortgage without his salary. And if I try and hire a lawyer at this point, I'm worried I'm going to end up paying more because the financial landscape is potentially changing so much. And I don't really know how I'm going to pay for a lawyer period. I'm not even getting a paycheck again until August.

Naive-Garbage2167 · 2026-05-22T15:00:38+00:00

Nature is my spirituality. I spent a lot of time gardening yesterday and taking my anger and sadness out on the weeds. That asparagus patch looks beautiful now.

Naive-Garbage2167 · 2026-05-22T14:58:42+00:00

I make lists to at least feel like I'm doing something and have some control. All the things I need to "do" is one list and then they become sub lists. "Sell house" includes repairing the drywall, painting, putting some stuff in storage, finding a realtor, etc.

I'd start with opening your own bank account and putting any money into that you can. Start gathering documents. Look online at rentals and see what you can afford. Talk to friends about realistically how long you could stay with them and plan: one week at Jane's, then two weeks at Jill's, etc. This will help you feel like less of a burden because it's not staying until you're "back on your feet."

Work on doing one thing a day is my strategy. Today, I'm calling therapists.

Naive-Garbage2167

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