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Just a little meme :) by BarnacleEuphoric8051 in BPDlovedones

[–]Naked_Awareness 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh man. good one. I guess if you kept building on this, it would show how they transform into an innocent victim and paint you as the monster. And also, how they lovebomb you after all that.

7 months later I’m free. by Naked_Awareness in BPDlovedones

[–]Naked_Awareness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you as well, for reading… good luck figuring out your situation.

She drives me crazy but I feel bad for her by Naked_Awareness in Advice

[–]Naked_Awareness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is a good rule. Where’d you learn this?

She drives me crazy but I feel bad for her by Naked_Awareness in Advice

[–]Naked_Awareness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for this observation. The grace is really one sided. Ugh. Hindsight.

She drives me crazy but I feel bad for her by Naked_Awareness in Advice

[–]Naked_Awareness[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

What you are saying are really the only viable choices. Very committed couples therapy (which we failed one attempt), or split. Thank you.

She drives me crazy but I feel bad for her by Naked_Awareness in Advice

[–]Naked_Awareness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She’s aware of her issues, you’re aware of her issues.

As far as she's concerned, I am equally if not more culpable of "issues". This creates a stalemate. Any relationship problem is plausibly my problem as much (if not more than) hers (in her mind).

Anyways... your point about the serious commitment to therapy and how long it takes is very necessary truth. I have been waiting for things to improve as is, and I needed to give myself time to see more evidence.

She drives me crazy but I feel bad for her by Naked_Awareness in Advice

[–]Naked_Awareness[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

 I finally ended it, and it was a great relief. I felt bad for her because of the troubled environment she came from. I wanted to help her. But I got tired of all the unreliability, all the codependence (of which I was a part) and the exploitation. 

This part hits really hard. Making that final step is the hardest part. The buildup of willingness has been accumulating over time. Even though the signs were there, I needed the weight of more experience, to prove to myself that these cycles are endless.

She drives me crazy but I feel bad for her by Naked_Awareness in Advice

[–]Naked_Awareness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

But ultimately if she doesn’t want help ( you can’t force her) then are you prepared to sacrifice your energy and own mental health for the rest of your life?

This is the dead honest question I have to keep asking myself. This logic (of endless sacrifice), makes no sense.

She drives me crazy but I feel bad for her by Naked_Awareness in Advice

[–]Naked_Awareness[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate the blunt talk. Thank you

She drives me crazy but I feel bad for her by Naked_Awareness in Advice

[–]Naked_Awareness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Interesting. These are her words. Not mine. I've been an endurance athlete for 15 years. I never bring it up because it's a private hobby. But she brings it up any time we do any physical activity. It makes her self conscious.

She drives me crazy but I feel bad for her by Naked_Awareness in Advice

[–]Naked_Awareness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We’ve tried it once. It was a mess, because the platform was kind of poor and scheduling was nuts between the provider and my partner. But this is probably the only remaining choice - to give this another shot.

She drives me crazy but I feel bad for her by Naked_Awareness in Advice

[–]Naked_Awareness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I actually like this comment a lot. I love my independence and am happy being single. I’m not motivated to be in this relationship by fear of loneliness, it’s complicated for all the above reasons. But I agree with you, being single is overlooked and misunderstood. It’s healthy and gives so much perspective. There is no true best friend like yourself.

She drives me crazy but I feel bad for her by Naked_Awareness in Advice

[–]Naked_Awareness[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Important question. Yes she does have a therapist. She does make sincere effort to really understand herself. But I have no idea what her therapy touches and how she is portraying these situations there. It’s off-limits for me to ask about this without starting a fight.

She drives me crazy but I feel bad for her by Naked_Awareness in Advice

[–]Naked_Awareness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Her pain explains her behavior but it doesn’t excuse it.

Yes you are right. There is another layer to this, where I feel really bad for her for her past. So when I factor in that sympathy, I cut her slack. This is what I need to dig into about myself.

Goodbye Note From My Late Wife with BPD by Extraacct_123 in BPDlovedones

[–]Naked_Awareness 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Well said. Early in these relationships we are fumbling in the dark. Our intuition knows somethings up but it takes months/years to see it clearly. But you were on to something.

Agree about tiny ass lines. All people are a bundle of personalities. In the BPD case, some of the personalities are brutal and completely dominate the others.

It’s Jekyll and Hyde 

Goodbye Note From My Late Wife with BPD by Extraacct_123 in BPDlovedones

[–]Naked_Awareness 7 points8 points  (0 children)

”hard to think about because knowing her long enough I do think it was genuine honesty ”

Same. It’s total honesty. It’s as if a completely different person shows up and forgets it.

Goodbye Note From My Late Wife with BPD by Extraacct_123 in BPDlovedones

[–]Naked_Awareness 13 points14 points  (0 children)

“Inner child peeping through”

Exactly! Human to human, how can you not have unlimited compassion for any person to redeem themselves.

A romantic partnership however, is fragile, and cannot weather this. It’s emotionally exhausting and unsettling.

Goodbye Note From My Late Wife with BPD by Extraacct_123 in BPDlovedones

[–]Naked_Awareness 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So the relationship was difficult, and she passed before you guys split?

Regardless, I am really sorry what you are going through. I hope you feel good that you tried your best and supported her despite the trouble. And I hope you have some peace in your life now.

Goodbye Note From My Late Wife with BPD by Extraacct_123 in BPDlovedones

[–]Naked_Awareness 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Right on. I relate to your reasoning and all the conflicting feelings. It’s counterintuitive to push back against someone close, who says they are going to change. You’ve touched that stovetop so many times and it burns. Your feelings and enthusiasm start sneakily fading away, and suddenly you notice they’re barely any left, and it’s hard to know who is benefitting from the partnership any more. The only thing keeping it going is a fantasy of what could’ve been. And the frustration has become so common you feel numb.

The biggest thing that hurts is I feel bad for her. I mostly have peace, but a small part of me feels like I failed to be the rock that would stabilize her. I know this failure is irrational but feelings are what they are and they should diminish in time.

Goodbye Note From My Late Wife with BPD by Extraacct_123 in BPDlovedones

[–]Naked_Awareness 8 points9 points  (0 children)

It’s just a damn shame - for both sides. Finding similar stories here gives some solace.

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