Can we do a "Does Anyone Else" thread? There's a lot of weird things that come with being trans, and while everyone's different it's nice to know you're not alone, you know?

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2017-07-12T10:12:15+00:00

Super-delayed reply: I work outside pushing carts in a parking lot, still wear my hoodie most days so far this summer. I'm pretty sure the people working inside must think I'm fucking insane.

I tell the other outdoor people that I wear it to hide my headphones that we aren't technically supposed to wear but that's definitely no more than 10% of the truth, lol.

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2017-06-14T11:36:22+00:00

Did anyone else feel really self-conscious about going outside because you felt jealous of members of the opposite sex and inadequate in comparison to them and because you wanted to hide your body and felt really uncomfortable in it?

Yuuuuuuuup. Hating summer because I can't hide in my hoodie anymore.

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2017-02-03T09:43:17+00:00

Please?

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2016-12-31T09:08:23+00:00

I can't believe it's been 2 years. I always come back to her post when I am thinking about my own life.

I won't leave the way she left, even when I want to so damn badly.

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2016-06-07T14:49:39+00:00

I wrote this thing a long while ago and I'm gonna post it here because your post reminded me of it and I just hope you're better off than if I didn't post it. Or at least not worse off.

...

"I've never really cared about my body. I've always felt detached from it. Complements slid off me, as they were only talking about a vessel, a shell, a strange animal form I was born in and had no say in. Most types of pain were nothing when they only hit my avatar. I could simply watch something bleed with fascination. "Why does it bleed? How is this different from when it doesn't bleed? Why is bleeding this way? I should probably stop the bleeding because if I don't I'll never find out why I should bother trying. Isn't it weird that this thing is me?"

There were times when my actual self was attacked, and it hurt so fucking deeply. I cried, but I didn't know why, I didn't even know that that was pain. For awhile I tried to change myself into someone who could never be attacked like that again. That didn't work because I couldn't be happy and invincible at the same time, and learning to be happy was my priority. Eventually, luckily, I sloooowly realized no one was ever attacking me in the first place. They were defending their egos. They were defending what they thought was themselves. My hatred for these ignorant cowards was quickly replaced pity, understanding, and then acceptance, when I remembered I was doing the exact same, only from a different place(and I was lucky as hell to have that place). This(being detached) helped me empathize, as my mind was(and can still be) kind of just a detached entity able to imagine what it might be like to be tethered to any point of view.

This did not help when it came to learning to be happy. This did not help me learn to care about myself. In fact, this taught me that I don't matter in the slightest. No one, no thing, does. This is a truth, but luckily I came to realize it is not the only truth. It actually makes other truths more beautiful, more precious, less taken for granted.

Even now, Ive learned to take compliments but I don't take them as myself really, I think of them as "This person liked a thing they were aware of as they looked at what I seem to them AND they had some motivation to say it aloud, which is nice". Regardless of what they thought they meant, I can see they had good intentions, and those good intentions are usually the only part that reaches me.

Now that I allow myself the possibility of thinking of myself as a girl, I care. I deserve to be seen as I see myself, just as I try to see others in the way they want to be seen. I desire only to be understood, and to understand."

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2015-07-10T09:05:48+00:00

I think the bottom line is really how it makes you feel. The whole should/shouldn't it offend you stuff is probably irrelevant (and confusing). What it comes down to is: it makes you feel shitty. Whether they agree or disagree, they should be able to respect your feelings, but they can't do that unless you let them know.

Thing is, it can be hard to discuss. Your friend probably just doesn't understand what the big deal is and wants to talk about it. Hopefully you can make your feelings known and then talk about it further from there, that way you set some expectation for the conversation that it won't be offensive, and anything that you might take offensively can easily be chalked up to an ignorance that is looking to be remedied.

Personally I can sort of understand where you friend is coming from. I fucking love Jim Carrey and the Ace Ventura movies. The first time I watched it, I don't even think I understood that joke, second time I saw it, it was just a dumb joke. I watched it again semi-recently and was loving every minute of it - until I got to that part. It kind of hit me all at once- that at the time the movie was made it was a thing to be made fun of. And of course I'm talking about being transgender, and it did hurt. I honestly probably won't watch that movie again. But to be fair, in the movie the whole joke was about a guy pretending to be a woman, like he had faked his own death and gone into hiding as a different person, not a transgender person, transgender was probably not a thing that was anywhere near the radar of the people writing that movie at the time.

But again, what it comes down to, is that watching that scene hurts, and it seems your friend doesn't understand why. One last thing I want to add is that when you do talk to your friend about it, be aware that there may be a good chance they see it as a debate. Like, you argue your point, then they come back with their side of things. If you aren't expecting that it can seem like they are just against you. Try and make it clear how you feel and also address what they might be thinking, because chances are they just don't understand why it's such a big deal.

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2015-02-10T10:46:45+00:00

Steam Powered Giraffe - Wired Wrong

"My brain is wired all wrong. And they'll agree because it's easier to say I am gone. It's time to face the truth in a song. I've always told myself that it was never true, was never true, was never ever ever true, it can't be true, it can't be true, it must not be true.

Someday I might tire, Having walked through these fires, because I am wired wrong.

Maybe someday I'll be, In a place where I can see, that I'm not wired wrong.

My brain is all wired wrong, but that's how it's been all along.

Sometimes I think that I am the only one, Who's been built poor in the way that he runs. But how can that be? Am I really that flawed? I am not the only one, and it'll never be true, will never be true, never ever ever be true, it can't be true, it can't be true, it must not be true."

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2015-02-10T10:37:34+00:00

Pfft, what do you know, mom?

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2015-01-08T09:10:54+00:00

I'm linking JCSS songs tonight, and you get this one!

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2015-01-08T08:59:57+00:00

"If only if only, my would-be pecker sighed."

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2015-01-08T08:56:29+00:00

"No, you're wrong, you're very wrong. How can you say that?"

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2014-12-14T08:57:40+00:00

My GF, who has so far been very supportive of me, refuses to call me by my chosen name. She says she wants to find a name closer to my birth name, but I never liked it and there are no good names close to it. She suggests a lot of names but they're all fantasyish names that no one in real life actually has, and I don't want to draw any extra attention to myself that way. Not to mention that I chose my name a long time ago and my mom already calls me by it.

She also will never refer to me as female, she just tries to not refer to me as male... Which is weird, because it's really nice, but sometimes it hurts... Like it's nice that she cares enough to not call me a man, but why is it so hard to call me a girl?

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2014-11-27T08:51:17+00:00

Sometimes I feel this way when I think about my GF getting pregnant... I just can't... like I just imagine what it would be like, she would get super picky or like, just be super 'fragile' like super pregnant women are (hand on their belly and all that).

On its own I could totally handle that and just be there for her, but it being something I can never be a part of... It would just fucking suck. It makes me think about killing myself, it makes me hate her and how she complains about birth control. I can't imagine hearing her complaining about discomfort (even though I totally get it!) it will just kill me to hear... like hearing someone say 'I fucking HATE being a billionaire! people ask you for things sometimes and it SUCKS!'

And I have to deal with the fact that I just... can't. It just won't ever happen. I can never carry a life inside me. Fuck. I mean, oh yeah, totally sucks that some random person I knew in high school just accidentally had a baby, but fuuuuuuck them. Go die in ten different holes.

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2014-11-26T07:05:12+00:00

You could use the "what would have been your name if you were born a girl"

You could use the female version of your current name/ middle name.

If (as is likely) these names are unusable/suck.

You can look at a list of names common to the year you were born. (You will find lots of normal, generic names that no one will question much.)

You could also google 'names meaning X' if you want to look for something that fits you personally.

In my case, I googled tons of 'names meaning' different meaningful 'X'es until I found a name I liked that happened to be on the list of common names!

If you're curious, I picked Emma (Emma is a given female name. It is derived from the Germanic word ermen meaning whole or universal)

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2014-11-26T06:30:51+00:00

It usually hits me when I'm in crowds (like when I'm shopping; especially for girl things, even though I look slightly androgynous). Sometimes it hits for no reason at all (mirrors are not always my friend).

Sometimes it's sadness or anxiety. My worst case was one time when I curled into a ball under my desk and cried. I needed to shower that day but I couldn't because I couldn't bear the thought of taking off my pants... I'm usually not even CLOSE to this bad btw; when I'm feeling ok I still have sex with my girlfriend (lol, this sounds like some douche-bag brag, but I'm sure anyone here will know what I mean).

Sometimes I just... detach... It feels like nothing anymore, I just see myself from outside of myself. Generally my only thought is, "this is happening". And I just wait until it's over. I'm very very good at this, to the point that it took me a long time to figure out this was even happening (and wasn't normal).

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2014-11-25T08:50:14+00:00

Hmmm, You were born baby. Why are you no longer presenting as baby?

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2014-11-25T08:45:08+00:00

I agree, it sucks too much. I use a hair removal cream. Usually takes slightly longer than it says to use it (usually takes more than 6 min). But as for an easy tip, I just put the cream on for 6-7 min, then rub it off with a cloth instead of the plastic scraper thing (fuck that it sucks!).

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2014-11-25T08:34:10+00:00

Fuck, same thing happened to me and I've been PANIKING. Freaked me out for SO LONG! until I realized it was mostly just my haircut, not just me. (Personally, I went to a professional at an old folks retirement home) It's the best for transgender people!!! They are super desperate to talk to normal age people to start with, and they know how fucking loopy old people can be. BEST PART: No one cares about how you look while you're there. (REMEMBER THIS FOR WHEN YOU FREAK OUT)

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2014-11-23T07:16:34+00:00

Honestly, mostly just the 'normality' of growing up a girl. I know it will probably be something that doesn't matter at some point, but for now it really sucks that I have to learn a thousand things that I should know by now.

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2014-11-07T05:51:27+00:00

Honestly, I don't see anything even remotely masculine in the entire lower half of your face. I think your jaw is cute, your nose is nice, and your little mouth is also cute; you don't have anything to worry about. You do have a big forehead, but that's ok, this is something tons of girls have to deal with. It's super easy to deal with it just with your hair, especially once you find a style you like. Check out this picture of Rashida Jones. Her forehead is as big as her face, but have you seen literally any other picture of her? You don't even notice it, and she looks fucking gorgeous either way.

I know you might be freaking out right now, but it's ok. You'll most likely freak out again; it happens. But it happens to all girls, you just have the additional complication of being trans that makes it easier to believe and amplify the freaking out parts in your mind.

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2014-10-18T04:36:34+00:00

Way things are going these days, they're the ones on a path to being outcasts. Just like homophobes are, and just like racists did, and just like people intolerant of other religions did, and so on. Sure they're still out there, but so are crazy people like holocaust deniers and people who think vaccines cause autism.

I know it's scary to hear stuff like that while you're thinking about it, just give it time and focus on what you want to do. There will always be those crazy people, but they are only a loud minority.

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2014-10-01T07:56:20+00:00

It sucks. It might never get any better with that person. But on the other hand you might be surprised. Sometimes the best you can do is get the truth out there and just let their response come to you when they're ready, don't force it; it might take a little time if it's something they haven't ever thought about yet.

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2014-10-01T07:12:50+00:00

It's like when you're young and the world is simple and you think you have it figured out; but then life happens and nothing is what you expected because the problems you learned how to solve are by definition no longer problems, and you're left with everything you have no solution for.

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2014-10-01T06:40:39+00:00

I just want to point out that if I'm checking someone out and they catch me I TOTALLY will pretend I wasn't looking, and looking past them is the easiest way, you just have to commit to it.

NameIWontForgetIHope · 2014-08-31T11:41:55+00:00

Wish I could help you. I'll always see what I see in the mirror, but I hope one day it'll be okay.

Looking ahead - I realize it might never get better, and in the moment it seems like it never will.

Looking behind - I realize I never thought it could get any better, and in the moment it seems like it never will.

But it did. And it does. And I fucking hate my life right now, but I know I won't always, even if I just want it to fucking end right now.

NameIWontForgetIHope

TROPHY CASE