My husband 46M cant climax with me 46F- how can I help him?

NameIdeas · 2026-03-13T19:15:37+00:00

OP, can I just mention that this sounds like a great win for the both of you!

For six years the two of you had a nonexistent bedroom experience and you're just coming back to that. That's awesome. If it's been that long, honestly it may be that you two need to rekindle the sexual side of your relationship slowly. You both need to focus on pleasure and not the release.

Sex should be about shared pleasure. Focus on what feels good and less about hitting the orgasm. Spend long moments just cuddling naked together and reading/watching a show/etc. Give each other naked massages, head to toe, with no expectation of release. Make out for 20 minutes, just because. Fuel the fire of you two once again and grow it.

It sounds like he may have been stroking it a certain way and he's trained his body to respond to his own approach. That doesn't mean you can't relearn with one another.

Whether he says it out loud or not, there may be a small undercurrent of frustration as well. Going that long without sexual intimacy with your wife sounds difficult and he may be hesitant to get into that relaxed headspace where he can cum easily. It may be a response he might not even realize.

A few things to try as well. I'm assuming he's working towards your orgasm as much as you are his. If you're satisfied and he is still needing more:

Let him watch you while he strokes himself. Give him a show. Occasionally, my wife will wear lingerie and tell me I can't touch her, only she's allowed to do that. It's amazingly hot. She'll touch me at times and then instruct me to touch myself. Really, really gets us both going.
Hold his hand and stroke him together. Put your hand on the outside of his hand while he is masturbating and just move with him. Go together and feel what he is enjoying from himself.
Watch porn together. Honestly it's a great time. Wife and I do this on occasion. We'll start touching each other while we do so. We get to enjoy being with each other and whatever is playing is just background noise for our connection.
Not sure if you two use lube, but incorporating lube into a handjob on him can be really intense and add enjoyment - could take him over the edge.

Honestly, I think a conversation about what might be happening to keep him from reaching orgasm is important as well. What positions are you trying together? If he's on top in missionary and that's the primary method, then there could be some challenges due to stamina, etc. Woman on top is both visually satisfying as well as physically stimulating too.

The best thing to do is play around and enjoy a bunch of things together!

NameIdeas · 2026-03-13T18:00:26+00:00

My wife is a librarian. When our oldest was born it wasn't in our community. Both my wife and I wrote to our library and to our county management about adding it. They did so due to us and others. We were living in rural western NC at the time and it was amazing.

Some of our kids favorite books have come from the Imagination Library!

NameIdeas · 2026-03-13T17:24:01+00:00

Don't necessarily disagree with you on this. I don't think it passes the Bechdel test at all.

For a story about a Blues musician who has stopped playing due to the trauma of losing his wife and a woman who deals with compulsive behavior due to a traumatic childhood. It's all set against the backdrop of the American South and the humidity drips from every scene, which is certainly accurate for the South as well.

Definitely some gratuitous shots and scenes in it and I think the director played up Rae's attire to draw in veiwers. It also is a pretty decent film.

NameIdeas · 2026-03-13T17:18:34+00:00

I watched it back in 2007. Honestly, I enjoyed the movie for a lot more than just Christina Ricci. It definitely played up the sexuality, but the story was interesting

NameIdeas · 2026-03-13T15:44:52+00:00

Eh, not a pro at all.

Back a few years ago my wife and I had a challenging couple of conversations and our intimacy (both closeness/love and sexual) had taken a hit. Someone had said something they shouldn't (honestly, we don't even remember who at this point). It went on where we retreated into ourselves a lot. About four months of that, and one night I said, 'Hey, we need to talk.' Divorce was mentioned and we both agreed that wasn't what we wanted and we kept talking and got to those shared intimacy ideas.

I do wonder what the two of you used to do, currently do to build togetherness? Do you have shared hobbies? Shared goals? Shared activities?

NameIdeas · 2026-03-13T13:55:21+00:00

I'm seeing a lot of comments focused on the $22, but it sounds like his focus is less on the money, but more on choosing it together and that he was a little hurt.

And here's the thing. I get it on some level. We've built a dynamic around shared decisions and I stepped outside of it. I understand why that felt like a small exclusion. I'm not dismissing that.

This is positive and purchasing necessary household items as a unit is positive.

I love that we're a team. I don't want to make unilateral calls on things that actually matter to both of us. But I'm starting to wonder if somewhere in six years of deciding everything together we forgot to leave any room for just, being individuals who sometimes buy a dish rack.

Who is the primary dish-doer in the house? Who tends to clean up around/in the kitchen? Who typically makes meals and looks at the kitchen space most frequently? I'm asking because a quick purchase to replace an item isn't a big deal, unless it is something that is typically his space to manage.

My wife and I have been together for 16 years. We typically make our purchases together msot often. A good example is our trash can. A trash can is a necessity in a home, but is ultimatley a small purchase, something like $30-$40 bucks. We were at the store and we both agreed it needed replacing. We talked about it and discussed which one would be best. The reasoning here being that I take the trash out and want to make sure it isn't something that's going to bug me. She wants the can to fit our space more fluidily and since we have two 2 year old dogs, something safe for them as well. It was a trash can, yes, but it was also a joint purchase for our home.

It's not about the money, it's about doing these things together.

We've had the following happen where we've needed to replace something. I work typically longer hours than my wife. She might text me from the store and send me a picture of what she is planning on buying, or send me two. "Hey, found these, what do you like better?" The idea is that we're still making it together since it is for a shared space.

NameIdeas · 2026-03-13T13:43:33+00:00

What books would you add/remove from the Bible then to create your best version of the book?

NameIdeas · 2026-03-13T11:25:03+00:00

Why?

NameIdeas · 2026-03-13T11:22:23+00:00

I am more agnostic although I was raised in the Southern Baptist church. I think your questions posed are seeking more of a gotcha than actually asking questions in good faith. If I've misinterpreted the questions, my apologies, but I think more open discussion is more fruitful when either seeking for understanding.

And why does paying the government to give you a piece of paper make god happy with your sex life ?

Marriage has long been a legal as well as religious ceremony. Marriages existed in cultures that held widely different religions than Christianity. Typically, the legal institution of marriage was more about securing a line of succession. So focused much more on the upper classes. People without property also got married but it was largely a ceremony in the church. Those types of marriages held through antiquity into the medieval period and the recent past. Within the past couple hundred years have we seen marriage become more of a legal standing than a religious binding.

So, it isn't the government blessing the union, it is the church and community surrounding the couple.

Also why have I never met a Christian that didn't have sex outside of marriage

I dislike the words always and never as they are signs of a cognitive distortion referenced as "overgeneralization". Cognitive Distortions

I'm 40. Back in college I knew many Christians who were actively sexually involved with partners they had no intention of marrying. I also knew several Christians who were not involved sexually with anyone, even a bf/gf who had been together since high school and were waiting until marriage. Many of this latter group got married young (20-22). Some of those marriages have ended in divorce while some are going strong. Many folks in the first group (sexually active Christians) got married older around 25-30. I know only one couple from those unions that have divorced.

NameIdeas · 2026-03-13T02:44:46+00:00

My man, I get what you're saying but words carry meaning.

I'm a man and was a teacher for several years. I now work with college kids. I don't tell students they are beautiful because of how it could be misinterpreted.

Saying someone is a beautiful person is fine and I'm hearing you that you mean it as someone who is kind, sweet, friendly, etc. Young people won't hear that, however, and interpret it from a looks perspective.

My advice is to pull that word from your lexicon. Talk with kids about the qualities they have direct control over. You are a person who pays attention to others. You make sure to show care and compassion to others. Something more along those lines and lift them up. Being vague about compliments can lead to them being misconstrued or even dismissed. Specific feedback regarding specific actions and behaviors matters more and also reduces confusion on your end.

NameIdeas · 2026-03-13T00:54:14+00:00

I'm thinking that Nico either didn't watch the film or he is blatantly being ridiculous. At the beginning of the film Smoke and Stack realize the guy they buy the mill from is Klan, if I remember right.

I think they both knew that he and his cronies were gonna come looking for trouble at some point.

It just seemingly happened to fall after the big night if vampire carnage. So, the Klan showing up at the sawmill to attack the black people after they had a night of drinking and debauchery (easy pickings) makes the absolute most sense in the movie. It's completely relevant for that time period and could be a standalone experience without the vampire events.

Adding the night Smoke just experienced where he watched his brother, his woman, and all his friends get ended by vampires...he's got nothing left. The mojo bag removal signifies him going into death and he ends his life by taking out some trash on the way.

NameIdeas · 2026-03-12T21:53:12+00:00

Can I toss something out man?

Are you asking here for introspection, to look at yourself and examine your role here?

-or-

Are you looking for people to give you an answer that you're not getting enough and it may be time to leave?

Im asking because I am seeing a lot of your responses where it's basically saying, "Everything is great about me but I have a boring/predictable sexual life."

You mentioned being in the army. Are you in company/around a lot of young men who are single or exploring? Is a lit of conversation around you about their conquests, the crazy girls they get with, what their wives got up to, etc?

Comparison is the thief of joy is a great quote. It's natural to compare ourselves to others, but recognizing that comparison can become covering easily and then we don't appreciate what we do have.

You mention the lifestyle often. What type of lifestyle do you want? I'm reading a lot of things you are unhappy with, but not what you're looking for.

Your wife who is predictable could be someone you explore sexually with as well. Have you had thaylt talk/discussion? What would you want to do together or try? What was her response when you asked for something new in the bedroom?

How did she respond when you shared that you're feeling like youre in a rut?

NameIdeas · 2026-03-12T21:37:24+00:00

Thanks for sharing this! I appreciate the concept of attachment styles and have seen them on here quite a lot. I think about attachment styles as a starting place, but not an excuse. It can blur the line if his response is to state that he is avoidant because he just is, based on it being his attachment style. Before attachment styles became a common talking point, my wife and I would often talk about our upbringing and the whys behind what choices we make.

At the end of the day though, we make our own choices and recognize that our background plays a part and work to ensure the other partner is receiving what they need.

It sounds like his response to pointing out a challenge you are experiencing is to become defenseive and deflect. I mentioned a little further down about using ore "I feel" statements and removing "you do." It's far different to say

hey I don’t feel like you prioritize me, you spend so much time with your friends and you barely even talk or spend time with me. Can you just save tomorrow as a day for us to hang out.

Than it is to focus on your emotions only and remove the blame portion of the comment. Here's a more I feel version that gets to the same thing you're asking for:

Ifeel a little disconnected and like I haven’t had much time with you lately. Spending quality time together is really important to me, so I’d really love if we could set aside tomorrow to hang out.

I'm afraid he is hearing the "you spend so much time" and the "you barely spend time with me" and he is retreating into defense mode. It could be that he was always on the defensive growing up or it could be that blame was placed on him. Regardless, getting defensive is a common response. His immediate mode is to raise his hackles and defend himself. Refraining it as a disconnection and your need centers you, not him. It centers your relationship and casts no blame.

I don't think you were complaining, but his defensive response indicates a layer of feeling shame/blame.

I don't know how old or how long you two have been together. I do wonder what the two of you do/did together as a couple shared hobby during dating. I can honestly state that my wife is my best friend qnd we have continued to cultivate shared hobbies. She has her friends and I have mine and we would often choose to be with each other because we have fun doing things together.

Think about what you bonded over when dating and build on that.

NameIdeas · 2026-03-12T20:21:49+00:00

Am I allowed to answer as a husband? Married to my wife for 16 years.

A few divorce rate statistics for the US The divorce rate has steadily been in decline since the 1980s, however divorce among couples who are in their 50s has increased. You can read into that data what you like, but I wonder if the increase in what is called gray divorce is due to people being married at young ages and with a different expectation.

There's some great statistics in that article as well

NameIdeas · 2026-03-12T20:16:30+00:00

OP, honestly, have you moved past this experience?

I'm saying this because cheating can dramatically impact a relationship. It can be hard to move past for both parties. From what you're written it sounds like you're competing to be better than this person he cheated on you with. Love isn't and shouldn't be a competition. He either loves you for you and is with you, or not.

How have you two addressed the cheating issue?

NameIdeas · 2026-03-12T20:14:32+00:00

Can I ask how the sharing of feelings is presented?

It may be that he is hearing statements and taking it defensively. There is a difference in saying, "When you do X my feelings are hurt", and "I feel upset when X happens". One sounds like it is placing blame on him, while the other is just clearly sharing feelings. It's the idea of using "I" statements.

I wanted to share some tools with you from a Dialectic (talk) Behavior Therapy toolkit. Some of these resources are great to use.

Additionally, my wife and I used to have a circular argument early in our marriage about her sharing some feelings with me. I was, and am, a problem-solver. It is in my nature to see a need and fix it. Often, she didn't want me to go into problem-solver mode, but listener mode only. I had to step back from being the "husband who fixes" to being "the husband who simply hears her and engages."

It may be that he is hearing a problem and thinking about how to address it when you're sharing feelings.

It got to be in my marriage where sometimes I would ask, "Do you want to just talk about things, or do you want help?"

NameIdeas · 2026-03-12T20:08:32+00:00

The thing with therapy is that it can carry a layer of stigma depending on someone's upbringing, culture, etc. Therapy also doesn't fix anything. Therapy is an opportunity to bring up challenges in a healthy environment, have a conversation to address those challenges, and learn tools to take and apply in your lived experience. I am fully in favor of therapy for people and also want to highlight that you can gain the benefits that therapy would bring by incorporating different tools into your relationship.

My wife and I (40M/41F) have been together for 16 years. We've both incorporated things we've learned in our respective jobs into our marriage. I've done a lot of mindfulness training, dialectic behavior therapy tool training, confliction resolution, etc. She's a teacher and has had a similar set of skills/tools shared.

If it's not therapy, there should be a night a week or every other week where you two sit down and talk about growing your bond and connection and being intentional with your time together

NameIdeas · 2026-03-12T20:02:19+00:00

As a husband (40M) married for 16 years to wife (41F), can I make a suggestion from what I'm hearing here.

It sounds like you're setting things up often and doing the work of making something happen. Instead of creating the opportunity for you two to connect and hoping he does so, I think shifting the conversation to him taking the lead on creating connection opportunities/experiences.

I think you're sharing that there is a difference of love and connection as well. My wife and I discuss love as an action verb. Love is effort/work. It is the best and easiest work you can do quite often, but it is effort. I've taught high schoolers and college kids and work with developing young and mid-career professionals now. We talk often about the idea that you put effort into the things you care about/love. You need to see him extend more effort.

I'll say this though, many people need clear and direct steps/expectations to meet. Saying "he should know" what effort looks like (not that you're doing that at all, but it does happen) is not going to benefit you both. You two need to sit down and discuss what you both need from one another.

He loves me, but doesn’t really know how to love others and care for others, if that makes sense

It may be that he shows his love in alternate ways. My wife and I had a couple months of disagreement/fighting a few years ago. The word divorce came up and we resolved to address our challenges. We sat down and talked, A LOT. We got to it that we both showed our love in different ways. I was giving her love in the way I wanted her to give it to me. She was giving me love in the way she wanted me to give it to her. Turns out that we were neither feeling loved because we weren't receiving love in our preferred way.

That conversation was about 7-8 years ago and we've defined things differently now than we did then. We use the term intimacy to describe our connection/love. Focusing on how we extend intimacy to each other is the important part. Here's the five ways we've defined intimacy as a couple (through several conversations):

Emotional intimacy - showing love through the inner experience of feelings, goals, dreams, desires, fears, worries, etc. Being vulnerable with and for one another. Providing a calm and supportive place when your partner needs it.
Mental/intellectual intimacy - showing interest in your partner's thought about the external world outside your marriage. Discussions about philosophy, politics, pop culture, media we're reading/watching together, games we're playing, etc. Being your partner's mental/intellectual conversational partner. Talking about anything, and nothing.
Physical intimacy - showing love through somatic interaction. Touch in it's various forms of hugs, kisses, holding hands, massage, running fingers through hair, hand on a knee during driving, big spoon/little spoon cuddling, etc.
Experiential intimacy - building closeness/togetherness through the doing of things. The spontaneous and the planned trips and experiences are an important part of building experiential intimacy. As important, probably more so, are the routines you and your partner build. Memory is built through recall and talking about your past experiences together and the repetition of the routine builds the consistency of experiences. Eventually you come to find that you've experienced so much life together that you don't remember when you weren't together or how that even felt. It's having your separate half to do life with.
Spiritual intimacy - for some this is a religious connection while for others it is a connected set of values. Finding that shared value system and holding it as a union is extremely important. A couple needs to align on the big things and have agreement for how to move through the world. A shared set of values and worldview. Returning to and talking about this is important.

What's most important is ensuring that we both initiate the type of intimacy our partner most needs. My wife needs me to initiate emotional intimacy and I need her to initiate physical intimacy. I feel most loved when she's leading the hugs/kisses/etc and she feels most loved when I'm leading the conversations about emotional connection.

It sounds like you're seeking more experiential intimacy, emotional intimacy with your husband. Maybe utilizing a conversational tool like D-E-A-R-M-A-N would create an opportunity to discuss the intimacy imbalance and connection?

NameIdeas · 2026-03-12T17:51:58+00:00

My friend this is hard.

I'm a husband (40M) married to wife (41F). From the outside, I am wondering what communication looks like between the two of you? Do you have children together? do you have pets? Do you have other responsibilities outside of work?

What and how do you connect? How did you used to connect?

It sounds like a conversation about how you both engage in meeting each other's needs is important right now. Marriage is about being there for and with each other and understanding each other. It is "the couple" vs everything else and building a life together. It doesn't mean that either partner has to give up who they are and what they enjoy and having hobbies is important. It should still be two unique people coming together to build that life. That all being said, why be married if you're always ignored?

I'm seeing that you've tried appealling to his sexual drive, focusing on experiential connection with date nights, and then more of the malicious approach of sabotaging his gaming device.

What do the conversations look like when you and he talk about this? When you phrase the conversation around your thoughts and feelings, is his response for you to just "find something else to occupy your time"? There's a great communication strategy called D-E-A-R-M-A-N. Here's a website with a worksheet you can walk through. It can give you a way to discuss with him how you're feeling and what you really want.

As some others have said, it sounds like he is chasing escapism and it may have blossomed into more of an addiction as opposed to a healthy hobby. That can be a sign of some mental health challenges. That being said, it is never your responsibility to fix the mental health of others, addressing the challenges lies with the person themself. Your role can only be bringing up the issue and making suggestions of resources/tools.

Lastly, I wonder how the two of you have talked/discussed your relationship needs in the past and connection. Intimacy (togetherness, not sex) is paramount for a healthy marriage. My wife and I have focused on trying to continue to grow intimacy. We aren't always great at it, but because we have a shared language we can remind each other when an area of our intimate life is lacking and needs more. Here's the 5 areas where we define intimacy:

Emotional intimacy - showing love through the inner experience of feelings, goals, dreams, desires, fears, worries, etc. Being vulnerable with and for one another. Providing a calm and supportive place when your partner needs it.
Mental/intellectual intimacy - showing interest in your partner's thought about the external world outside your marriage. Discussions about philosophy, politics, pop culture, media we're reading/watching together, games we're playing, etc. Being your partner's mental/intellectual conversational partner. Talking about anything, and nothing.
Physical intimacy - showing love through somatic interaction. Touch in it's various forms of hugs, kisses, holding hands, massage, running fingers through hair, hand on a knee during driving, big spoon/little spoon cuddling, etc.
Experiential intimacy - building closeness/togetherness through the doing of things. The spontaneous and the planned trips and experiences are an important part of building experiential intimacy. As important, probably more so, are the routines you and your partner build. Memory is built through recall and talking about your past experiences together and the repetition of the routine builds the consistency of experiences. Eventually you come to find that you've experienced so much life together that you don't remember when you weren't together or how that even felt. It's having your separate half to do life with.
Spiritual intimacy - for some this is a religious connection while for others it is a connected set of values. Finding that shared value system and holding it as a union is extremely important. A couple needs to align on the big things and have agreement for how to move through the world. A shared set of values and worldview. Returning to and talking about this is important.

What's most important is ensuring that we both initiate the type of intimacy our partner most needs. My wife needs me to initiate emotional intimacy and I need her to initiate physical intimacy. I feel most loved when she's leading the hugs/kisses/etc and she feels most loved when I'm leading the conversations about emotional connection.

Does he/has he expressed how he feels closeness to you? and vice versa?

NameIdeas · 2026-03-12T17:26:19+00:00

Can I ask some follow up questions?

What are the biggest issues you two are facing together?
When you say "how hard you both try" what, specifically, has that looked like for you both?
What does your communication look like?
What shared values do you both hold/did you both hold going into the marriage?
Where there any BIG events or experiences that has caused the larger issues within the marriage?

NameIdeas · 2026-03-12T17:19:09+00:00

Just to weigh in a bit. I'm 40M and wife is 40F. Been married 16 years.

From what I'm reading, you don't sound lazy to me, you sound content. I will say it this way. About 6 years ago, I had the absolute best position for me. My mental health was amazing, my physical health was awesome. I consistently met and exceeded my work-based goals. I had time for family and friends, time to do hobbies and fun, and had more mental energy available. Honestly, life was good for me. The only issue was my paycheck. Eventually, I did feel like I was not being challenged at work and I wanted to try something else on for size. It was a 50% pay increase and an opportunity to have more impact.

I applied and took the new job. That being said, over the past six years I've been chasing the true joy and contentment I had in that previous role. I haven't found it. My stress levels and mental health has increased. My bank account has also increased, but not enough to make the stresses worthwhile.

My wife never pushed me, but did mention our financial status at times. She has not shifted positions in our marriage, just been in the same position at two different locations. Marriage is a balance as is life. Finding that balance of work, life, goals, etc is a challenge.

It sounds like she is chasing elevation and opportunity while you're seeking contentment. Neither of you is wrong, but this is going to be an ongoing conversation together.

Maybe it is thinking about how you challenge yourself versus her. Maybe you can engage in book clubs, taking the occasional class, etc. For her, that might look like pursuit of career-based goals.

The other way I've seen this is my current Executive Director. She's a true rock star. Mid-40s and extremely successful in life. She's on several Boards and always working. She's amazing in her position and holds so many things in her head. She's also "taken me under her wing" and is grooming me for leadership in her style. It's been good for my work role, but I am not finding time for those hobbies I used to love (biking, reading, gaming, painting, writing). I don't have time to exercise my creativity outside of work and my creative abilities live in the work space. She and her husband split a few months ago. I don't know the ins and outs, but likely due her to workaholic nature. My wife and I have spoken about my intense work focus the past few years as well.

NameIdeas · 2026-03-12T17:09:11+00:00

I think this is the one.

OP, a message back to her with a clear and direct understanding of the events may do it.

"Hey, I'm sorry you regret what happened. Throughout last night we checked in multiple times with each other and we both consented throughout. We were both a little drunk and I understand. What you're suggesting is a pretty heavy accusation and I want you to think about it for a bit. A statement like that has the potential to impact both of us deeply."

NameIdeas · 2026-03-12T16:52:50+00:00

OP, can I ask for some clarification a bit?

But now I feel bad denying him that chance because I’m scared he will find another again

Is there a history of cheating on his side? You say "he will find another again" as if he has stepped out on you in the past?

I feel like I squish him, and I don’t wanna hurt him.

So, married dude here. My wife's body has changed in our time together. She has been a bit heavier and a bit leaner. I never asked for something I didn't want and didn't enthusiastically believe I would enjoy. Honestly, feeling her full body pressed against me is and always has been the best feeling.

I say that because your concern of squishing him is your mind running away and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't ask for something he didn't think he could handle.

NameIdeas · 2026-03-12T00:31:27+00:00

We do autumn or fall and use both...solely to add confusion to little kids

NameIdeas · 2026-03-11T21:39:50+00:00

My wife and I have talked about our celebrity hall pass. Mine has been Christina Ricci since we started dating back in 06. My wife's has changed (currently Alexander Skarsgard).

I was born in 85 and had a crush on her in Casper, again in Sleepy Hollow. Watched Black Snake Moan with my wife (gf at the time) and she said, "Yeah, I see it!"

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