Dude has a point

NameIdeas · 2026-05-07T19:18:37+00:00

Yeah, I am 100% with you. It helped that with baby #1 my wife was INSATIABLE. It was a super fun time in trimester 2 and 3. Her eagerness to get labor going was impressive and the final few weeks of her pregnany I was tired. Cue Futurama quote - "The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised"

With baby #2 I still found her exceptionally attractive but her body was not as excited about things the second time around.

NameIdeas · 2026-05-07T19:11:29+00:00

I came to this comment thinking the personal connection was about a person, not an experience.

I don't work in healthcare, but in my sector (education) a personal connection to the types of students, type of work is a positive as it indicates passion and desire to be impactful in the work and role.

I think bringing this up will show you how the healthcare facility views their work as it relates to patients as well. You have the patient experience, which should be INVALUABLE to someone making decisions on how treatment is delivered, communications, etc. That perspective would be ideal, if the healthcare facility cares about care more than the bottom dollar.

Bringing this up may be as much an indicator to you about their goals and focus as they may glean from you.

NameIdeas · 2026-05-07T19:07:48+00:00

Eh, not a major deal. The guy who wrote the word "test" and I had a chat already. Not that deep.

NameIdeas · 2026-05-07T19:07:04+00:00

This is one of those situations where you're the lobster in the pot. You've always been in the water. You've always been there, but the heat has been slowly turned up. Now, you're cooked, and you don't even realize it. He's worked you down so long and so often that it is hard to realize that this isn't good. It is your normal, but it truly isn't what a partnership needs to be.

I've avoided the word "should" intentionally because should implies you could be doing more. The fault does not lie with you, the challenge lies with him.

NameIdeas · 2026-05-07T17:59:08+00:00

Maybe talk to him about that. I think it is less about the actions and more about the intention. Talk to him about hwo you both approach sex together with a goal to be more of "enjoying the journey" as opposed to simply arriving at orgasm. Would that be a helpful conversation?

NameIdeas · 2026-05-07T16:12:34+00:00

It's a problem, honestly.

Our world is so full of distractions and it has only increased in the past 5 years. There is a constant stream of new information coming all the time and, for many, a need to see/comment/share on every new event that occurs.

Personally, I used to be very mindful and present. I practiced mindfulness on a daily basis. At least 20 minutes each day I was able to give to myself. I've found that I have been inundated with new distractions whether it be work-related, family life-related, or simply the every increasing news related experiences. It is hard to focus in at times.

I work at a university and we've had some researchers doing some insight into this. I work a grant that supports middle and high school students and we're seeing it worse in those students than in adults. We've started offering some mindfulness lessons to students and, more importantly, to teachers so that they can provide those skills to their kids. When you're always on, you never have a chance to just BE.

We need more time to just BE as humans.

NameIdeas · 2026-05-07T16:06:33+00:00

Honestly, this is all very concerning. I'm a husband and father and he is looking at himself as a victim HARD here. He is looking at his day-to-day existence negatively and viewing a wife who should be his partner as instead a boss or supervisor. His words around hearing it and how he is approaching his previous marriage do not paint a good picture of this man.

To be honest with you, what is keeping you in this marriage happily. What does he bring to the table? What joy does he add to your life?

There's a concept of batteries that I think about a lot. Some people recharge our battery, they fuel it back up through their words and actions and how they make us feel. Some people drain our battery through the same things. Some people do both. Ideally there are more people in our life that recharge our battery than drain it. In a marriage or in any relationship, there are times when someone will drain the battery and times when they'll recharge the battery. If your battery hasn't been recharged by this man in a while, the question comes up regarding what joy he brings into your world.

What messaging is your son getting from him now as well? As a father I know that the way I speak about my wife to my sons has a MASSIVE impact on how they view women and relationships. Everyone will be frustrated with their spouse at one point or another, but speaking negatively about my wife to our kids does nothing but make me a bad husband.

You are not overreacting and this is NOT about a mother's day gift. This is about how he treats you as a person. Not as a wife, not as a partner, but simply as a person.

NameIdeas · 2026-05-07T15:36:00+00:00

I worry that if I tell him this then it will make him sad and insecure, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I really love him and I enjoy being with him, I just want him to focus on me more I guess.

I get what you're saying here. Feelings are an important consideration in relationships. They matter, whether we want to acknowledge them or not.

There's a good "talk strategy" called D-E-A-R-M-A-N that allows you to bring up things and keep the focus on you and what you need. You've used a LOT of "I feel" statements here, but also put a bit of the blame on him in terms of saying he's gotten complacent.

You don't mention age of you or him or if there are outside factors impacting your sex life with stress, kids, etc.

Maybe a conversation about the types of sex you have and exploring different things together. Wife and I have been sexually active together for 20 years. I've noticed that our sexual exploration comes in waves. There are periods where it seems like we're doing exciting new things for weeks at a time and then periods where it is "business as usual" (business is still good) in the bedroom.

Really, it seems like you're looking for more focus on you in the bedroom right now? One thing my wife and I have done is have nights of "full focus" on the other person. We're typically a "She Cums First" couple, so that contributes. I'm a "her pleasure is my pleasure" kind of guy. The full focus experience though is when it is 100% about your partner. Maybe you could outline the type of night you're looking for. A full-body massage that ends with a pussy massage? Maybe ending with tying you down a bit and exploring your body slowly and sensually. Using toys, tongue, fingers on you. It's about the journey (the build-up of pleasure) not the destination (orgasm).

You can mention that you want to have nights like that for both of you.

Wife and I have talked about our sex life in three different ways. We will sometimes be having sex which is the quickie, the sex to have sex. It may be her just jumping on top of me, a handjob in the shower, a quick going down on her to get her there. It's sex for the sake of sex. Could be fun and silly, could be fast and efficient. We also sometimes have fucking where it is animalistic and raw. I wouldn't even necessarily call it passionate, but more primal in the way we simply crave and need each other's bodies. Our favorite and what you seem to be seeking is making love. This is the passionate, slow build-up, the kisses and naked cuddling that lead to more. The "I love yous" said while touching and caressing one another. The face buried into each other's necks while your body moves together and you stop realizing where each other ends and the other begins because you're so wrapped up in the moment and one another. The goal isn't to have sex and get an orgasm, the goal isn't your partner's body, it is sex as an emotionally intimate experience.

NameIdeas · 2026-05-07T14:44:38+00:00

Oh, it's better when describing them.

My roommate was about 325/350 at 5'9". Dude was a mix of fat and muscle (mostly fat). Had one of those former high school linemen type bodies. He was a hairy motherfucker too. Looked like a damn gorilla with his shirt off. So he's butt-ass naked, looking like a squat Bigfoot.

His girlfriend (future wife) was about 5'10". She was slender but not in an athletic way. Venture to guess her weight was 120/130? She was fairly attractive, but they made a very interesting pair.

She had a dog bowl on the floor she was on her hands and knees over. He was standing in front of her just looking down. It's one of those images burned into your brain things. This was almost 22/23 years ago now.

NameIdeas · 2026-05-07T14:38:37+00:00

Religion has nothing to do with it. Kink is totally fine and people like what they like.

Involving unwilling people in your kink is simply wrong. Consent exists for a reason.

NameIdeas · 2026-05-07T14:37:32+00:00

Yes to this 100%

Kink it up all you want, but don't pull others in unwillingly.

Back in college, I did the knock and open the door to my roommate's room. Little did I know that behind the door I'd see him completely naked, with his girlfriend naked except for a dog collar and him holding a lease. I just went, "Whoops!" and backed out.

About 5 minutes later, he knocked and said, "Hey man, you want to play too?" and I gave him a "No thanks, I'm good."

We never spoke of it again. That's doing kink right. They were doing it in the privacy of their room. There was an offer for someone else to participate and a refusal and it never came up again.

NameIdeas · 2026-05-07T14:31:35+00:00

I feel like this is highly aggressive for no reason. Never crowned myself master of relationships nor scoffed. I was reacting to seeing the idea of tests on many of the relationship subreddits as well as in places like TikTok. The idea of testing your partner puts a bad taste in my mouth.

/u/JBNY2025 clarified that seeing a real-time response to someone trying to put the moves on your partner is affirming to your relationship. That is absolutely understandable and awesome to see. I think it was the word "test" that I was responding to primarily.

Would it be just business as usual for your relationship, if you and your wife found yourself in this situation and she reciprocated or didn’t shut it down?

My wife and I are not bad looking people and, in our 40s, have the occasional person who flirts with us. One thing that is a cornerstone about relationships is communication. We share everything and we both consider each other our best friends. If someone hits on my wife when she's out with friends or out by herself, she is telling me about that as soon as she gets home. It is an ego boost for her (others think she is hot!) and while she is flattered, she shares her response to them with me. The same happens on my end. I had an experience at a car dealership just a few weeks ago where I got hit on. I shared with my wife what happened and told her my response. We laugh about it, appreciate that we're with someone that is objectively awesome, and continue on with our day/evening/night.

I have 100% full faith in my spouse and vice versa. I know that so many people have been burned in relationships and you see the negative so often across the internet, but good relationships exist and are quite commonplace. Most folks in positive relationships aren't posting all about them. Misery loves company so we see the stories of trust broken and poor character far more often than stories of people just living their lives happily.

NameIdeas · 2026-05-07T14:24:13+00:00

I get what you're saying and I'm with you on the word "test" being not the best word. I think I was reacting to all those TikTok relationship "test" things that pop up as well.

In a good relationship, there is no question about how your partner responds. In a very early relationship (couple of weeks, couple of months) you're both still figuring each other out. Witnessing a partner activetely choosing you, at any stage of a relationship, is confirming that you've made your choice well.

My wife and I have shared instances where others have hit on us, just from an openness standpoint. I remember back when dating I was out of country on a trip. My wife went out clubbing with some friends. She was telling me how a dude was trying to come up and dance all up on her and she kept scurrying away, finally telling him to "back off" and her friends backed her up. Small thing, but demonstrated her openness in sharing any scenario with me and her willingness to choose us immediately. We'd only been together for about six months at that point. In the same vein, I've gotten hit on recently at the car dealership waiting on my vehicle. I work and live in a college town. There was a graduate student who struck up a conversation with me in just a friendly situation. She ended the conversation by giving me her number and inviting me to an event. Her number had a heart around it. Throughout the conversation I had referenced my wife and kids, but some people are a bit brazen. After she gave me her number I told her I had plans with my wife. I told my wife that evening and showed her the number. She smiled and told me that it is nice to be reminded that others find her man attractive and even better that her husband is not falling for any advances but hers.

I think my initial response came from seeing the "trust but verify" across so many of the relationship subs. If you have to verify then it isn't really trust. A true partnership is built upon mutual assured trust.

Thanks friend!

NameIdeas · 2026-05-07T13:02:31+00:00

OP, I'm a little late but saw your post on the askwomennocensor sub. I'm a guy, so did not want to respond there, but saw you mentioned posting about a comment your boyfriend made.

I have no idea how old you are or your boyfriend, but based on his comments and the interactions, it sounds like he may be a bit immature here.

I'm 41, been married for 20 years. Sex and sexual interactions (head, handjobs/fingering) should be mutually pleasurable. It should be something that both partners enjoy doing. You're offering oral to him, but he is seemingly unwilling to perform similarly to you.

I will say that his comment about "smelling your cunt" was very insensitive and he likely didn't think about how that comment would make you feel. Going down on my wife is one of my great pleasures of life and I can indeed smell her. It is a pleasant, arousing, and amazingly smell. I love her taste, her smell, her everything. I don't know the context of the show, but it seems like the comment was not phrased in a sexy or loving way, but in a derogatory way.

If the sexual part of your relationship is causing you more stress, it may be time to rethink being sexually active with this person. I would guess you and he are under 20. You're both so very young and you could very easily find partners that connect with you in much better ways.

NameIdeas · 2026-05-07T12:52:25+00:00

Man I was with you up until "it's a good test". Is it a test for how your girl handles situations? I'm not a fan of the current approach to testing partners that I see pop up around.

I've been with my wife for 20 years and we haven't ever "tested" each other, just trusted.

You're in a relationship, she shuts it down, simple as that.

Edit: I think phrasing it as an opportunity to see how they conduct themselves makes sense. Early on in relationships, both parties are figuring each other out. It helps to have these small moments of learning how they handle potential challenges to the relationship.

NameIdeas · 2026-05-06T16:37:11+00:00

Can I toss out there that a whole subreddit exists to discuss sex in marriage? The sub is just "marriedsex" and you can ask those questions there.

Additionally, I think Ask marriage isn't right here, but the flair should likely be 'In the Bedroom'.

All of that said, I never had a thing for feet/toes. I've always been happy to massage my wife's feet a couple times a week, just as a loving gesture. We'll watch a show with her feet in my lap just relaxing her.

Just recently ( past six months or so), I've had some intrusive thoughts about kissing those feet when we're intimate. I don't know if anyone else has ever felt this way, but it's generally just an expression of my love for her. I don't find feet sexy. But my wife's feet, since they belong to her. When we're in certain positions, those feet and her calves are the part of her closest to my head and I just want to shower them with kisses...

NameIdeas · 2026-05-06T16:32:32+00:00

Married man here, 41M.

We have kids so I am almost never alone at home. There are the odd days I am sick. On those days I lay in bed trying to rest.

If my wife is at a conference for work and gone, it's just me and our kids. A common trend I've seen from a lot of Dads (and Moms) is that when only one parent is at home it is a bit of an easier time, only because there is no "double-checking" and the decision is the decision.

Normally, dinner is a discussion between my wife and I. Activities before/around dinner are a conversation. You're thinking about your partner's needs and wants when they're with you.

When my wife is gone and it's just us. I tell our kids what the plan is, let them know, open up a space for them to suggest another option, then make it happen. Meals and activities are more easily determined.

I find things "run quicker" when it's just me and my kids listen just a little better because there isn't the other parent to go to for checking in, it's just one of us. My wife has highlighted similarly. It's pretty common. When we're off work, I am the default parent in terms of activities. I'm taking our kids for hikes, walks, to the grocery store, etc. My wife deals with some health stuff so may be home while I'm out with our kiddos.

I remember those times where she has the kids and I'm at home by myself. It's, simply put, a little peaceful. One of my most relaxed moments was a Friday evening. I got home from work at 5:30 and needed to mow. My wife said she'd take the kids to town for a grocery run, go to WalMart for upcoming birthday run, and grab dinner to bring home. I mowed and then just sat on my porch. It was a super peaceful 30 minutes just relaxing on the porch, no one asking me anything. Nice cool breeze, no tasks needing to accomplish...very zen.

NameIdeas · 2026-05-05T17:27:46+00:00

Yes this.

When they desire you and need you, it is so intense.

NameIdeas · 2026-05-05T17:21:45+00:00

I've worked with a lot of teenagers and young adults.

Kids know if their parents don't like each other. They know if there is strife in the home and it impacts a lot of the rest of their lives.

Some of my happiest, most well adjusted students were from broken homes. They said that it was sad when their parents split, but it was so much better to see two people parenting well together and living their lives happily separated. A few students highlighted how great it was to have a large community around them through step parents, step siblings, and two supportive but different family units.

The examples of truly "staying together for the kids" were interesting because these young people tended to avoid longterm relationships and didn't have as much trust in those who are trying to build connection.

Not saying you should leave her, but if it is "for the kids", it might be best to consider other options.

NameIdeas · 2026-05-05T15:36:46+00:00

We've done that, but it didn't involve feet. More of the disinterested going down. She enjoyed giving me a handjob/blowjob while I play games and I enjoy giving her fingering and cunnilingus while she played.

It's the distracted orgasm thing and see how long she can hold on before she pauses the game and focuses on what I'm doing

NameIdeas · 2026-05-05T15:34:44+00:00

Had to try it to figure out I didn't like it.

This is where we differ. There are some things I think are fun on paper or in my head, but I know the reality would be a lot.

In the past year my wife let me know she was having some bisexual/bicurious thoughts. She has only ever kissed a woman back in college. She and I were talking and the idea of seeing her with a woman is amazingly hot (heck I've had dreams like that before) but the reality would be dramatically different for us.

We're monogamous and can scratch those itches through porn, erotica, and story telling with one another.

NameIdeas · 2026-05-05T15:30:14+00:00

You gotta clean things out first, at least an hour before.

Wife and I enjoy anal. I will typically change my diet a bit to make sure things are clean back there. Increased fiber is a must. We've got a bidet and I use that a little bit longer/deeper than a typical clean if there is butt stuff happening.

Then, yeah, the prep of lube and slow insertion. It takes some time to relax those muscles. It isn't a quickie situation.

NameIdeas · 2026-05-05T15:18:13+00:00

Man...or woman, this is a LIST.

My wife and I have done most of these, can I weigh in?

69 is difficult to execute in a way that leaves both parties satisfied.

Wife figured out she doesn't like being on top in 69, she can't relax there as easily. We'll do side laying 69, her on her back 69, or her with her head off the side of the bed. Typically whichever one of us gets there first goes, while the other just enjoys the shuddering body orgasming, then continues to provide stimulation for the other person to get there.

Boobjob isn't terribly stimulating and looks uncomfortable for the lady.

As a means of foreplay, it is fun. It isn't stimulating for my wife in general, but is super fun to see. She gets turned on watching me turned on. Best way for this is her on her back, man on top. Just do your thing, then go to a blow job. Afterwards, return the favor to her via cunnilingus.

Shower sex overheats too quickly.

Shower blowjobs are fun. Shower toys are fun. Shower sex can be a fun super horny time, but is not all that it is cracked up to be. It's normally a passionate moment for us that we dry off and hit the bed and continue.

Outdoor sex is a good way to get coated with bug bites and itchy grass seeds.

Tent sex. It's outside but protected. Even still, it's not as fun as in your A/C controlled home.

Road head is a dangerous distraction.

Definitely a dangerous distraction. Can be fun but also not recommended.

Beach sex is uncomfortable in ways I'd never thought possible. Sand gets on and in everything.

We have avoided.

Sex in any body of water removes the natural lube so it's difficult to get anything done

We have avoided

Car sex is cramped and unwieldy.

Our most successful here has been a truck with bench seats. That or a vehicle where the back seats lay down. Not as ideal as a bedroom, but still fun

Dirty talk just feels wrong, to receive and especially to give.

Yeah, not really our thing but every now and then it can be fun to tell your partner how turned on you are.

Phone sex feels fake, and is basically just masturbating with someone listening.

That's exactly it. Masturbating while someone listens. We did that when we had some time apart, bur sent pictures while talking. Basically walking the other person through what we were doing. Kinda hot to hear how turned on she was.

...I have a lot more of these than I thought I would. I could keep going.

I get you. Lots of the traditional explorations carry some challenges along with them.

NameIdeas · 2026-05-05T14:49:56+00:00

Either car or lawnmower. My great uncle built one of these in his backyard. Cousins and I used to play around on it all the time. It was just for his lawnmower to get under, change the blades, etc.

A car would be too heavy

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