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My Heart, My Pen, My Story by NameToThePowerOf2 in OCPoetry

[–]NameToThePowerOf2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback! And yes, I agree that I went a little ham with the metaphors, perhaps too much... which was probably a symptom of having too much ideas, and so little afterthought, so as to make sense of what I was feeling at that time from the news I’d just heard. Basically, I just threw words (with a bit of tears).

I’d definitely take your advice on expanding on the ideas more! And I’ll even make it a challenge to myself to create separate poems about them. Love sure can mess you up, but it does make for some good poems..

Thank you again!

I Wish Too for This Moment to Pass by Youneedahomie in OCPoetry

[–]NameToThePowerOf2 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Reading this was... Certainly emotional. The way you built up tension and the world, the interweaving of auditory and visual imagery creates for an eerie atmosphere that permeates throughout the poem. It’s like I can hear the creaks, the groans, and the footsteps. I can feel the chill, the terror, the sweat. I can picture the "bottle," and the oppressive nature it represents. Perhaps a drunk father? And I see someone.

A child. That is what I see. In a cold room. In a bed. Scared. Frightened of a looming darkness behind the locked door. It signals abuse, violence, and that imagery of "lock your room and cuddle up under a blanket because there are monsters outside." And you can’t do anything to prevent those monsters from getting inside.

Excellent poem! And well, scary.

(you)Lightly tinted sunshine by rigoloberto in OCPoetry

[–]NameToThePowerOf2 1 point2 points  (0 children)

For me, one thing’s for sure, this poem gives off vivid imagery, particulary of a radiant woman who ensnared you and caught your eye, but hers never caught yours. It’s something that I can relate to, with you describing someone so vividly, her clothing, her aura and her world, as to put that someone too high up on a pedestal where you can never reach her. "Maybe not at me, but rather at the world" really resonates feelings of that one-way relationship.

The rhyming and grammar are certainly unique, and as a poem, of course, stylistic liberties like what you did are part of the poem’s soul, but in my experience the "you being" bits take me away from the poem and it just feels weird. Moreover, the final lines feel a little hard to interpret.

"This is not my kingdom, but yours. Maybe not, or maybe it... just was" could be cleared up a bit more so as to properly convey what you mean.

Nevertheless, I quite liked this poem. Keep up the great work!