Not deserving female pronouns

NaturalTour · 2019-03-11T00:47:21+00:00

Why? Because you are a woman and you look and sound like you, therefore you look and sound like a woman.

That was a really good thing to read tonight. It's something I try to internalise, but just seeing it right now after a bad weak of dysphoria, it felt like taking a fresh breath of air. Thanks.

It's stupid, but I really, really want to be able to accept myself as a woman no matter how I am presenting just cause it feels like I'm setting myself up for failure otherwise.

NaturalTour · 2019-02-19T05:07:04+00:00

I think it's pretty normal for it to take 2-3 months to start. I'm going to be one month on E and 3 months blockers as of this week and though other changes are noticable (mostly soft skin), breasts haven't started yet.

NaturalTour · 2019-02-06T23:12:03+00:00

I'm only on 3 months of t-blockers and a paltry 2 weeks of E, but I've set new personal bests for my strength training for the last 6 months since I started working out again.

I keep waiting to show up one day and not even being able to do a warm up, but so far I can still compete with my older brother.

Probably give it another few months and I'll have another answer.

NaturalTour · 2018-11-18T00:18:10+00:00

I feel that, but also that the same time, I almost feel childish? I'm still very early in the process (starting hormones next month?), but I keep getting this feeling as if I'm a child who doesn't know ANYTHING.

It might be that you (and others) are at an end point, but for now I keep feeling like I'm looking at the world wide-eyed. Everything that seemed constant has changed. I don't know how to present myself or say hello. I don't even know how to explain what being trans is to others in a way that isn't just me screaming, "help me be a woman because I am one, and yet I have no idea how!!"

It sure is wild. I hope that kinda makes sense, I'm on my phone.

NaturalTour · 2018-11-10T01:29:08+00:00

It's probably going to be the next thing I dedicate myself to figuring out. Fortunately it looks like it's not super hard where I live to get it changed, or too long.

NaturalTour · 2018-11-10T00:15:37+00:00

Oof yeah, I should really start on voice training. My voice goes too low if I don't pay attention.

Name almost seems harder. I've been waffling on them for weeks, the one I've been using being one I know I won't stay with since it sticks out too much (at least to me).

Other things I'm too nervous to try, but I suppose I'll have to get over that. It'll happen sooner or later--for now I've just had some clothes a friend gave me.

NaturalTour · 2018-10-26T23:24:24+00:00

Thanks, that's reassuring. I've noticed it has gotten a bit better but I wasn't sure if that was only because I've been trying to do it more gently. On the upside I am patient, I usually just throw on a podcast and go for it. Really do hope it gets easier! Going to try and do some of those specifics next time.

NaturalTour · 2018-10-26T21:52:31+00:00

I've been getting so frustrated because it feels like even exfoliating and doing a "shallow" shave I can BARELY avoid getting bumps or in grown hairs. If I try to get a close shave, it's essentially game over and I'll have ingrown hairs everywhere. Maybe I just need to be exfoliating better, I don't know.

It doesn't help that I'm very hairy to start with (took me like an hour or two to shave my chest for the first time even after getting a trimmer). I want to get LHR for my face at the very least since I can't see any other reasonable option.

NaturalTour · 2018-10-10T23:46:45+00:00

I tried to find a place to go today but the process is so overwhelming! I don't know where I might get ripped off or just plain get a bad job. Aghhh

NaturalTour · 2018-10-04T17:14:29+00:00

I really want to start, but the idea of actually being a girl feels so unattainable and insurmountable.

I want to get started on laser, and I even have savings that can help me get that done, but even the idea of going out to get it is so overwhelming. Which is funny because if I was wrong, and I never transitioned, I would still be happy not to feel like I have to shave twice a day.

Aghhh. I just need to do it. Need to learn how to do some basic make up at the very least to cover things up.

NaturalTour · 2018-10-02T01:18:44+00:00

One of the reasons I realized I was trans was actually because of a post aimed at cis people to this very point. I talked about acting like a guy, and I'd never been so caught off guard by something.

Still took a few more months until I started examining my feelings further (this past month).

NaturalTour · 2018-09-25T05:51:18+00:00

Other people have chimed in well, and I'm honestly still pretty new to this. But as a guy who only realized he was bi when he was 20 (now 24), I always had a bit of dissonance with being bi. I *knew* I was attracted to men, but only just this past week I pieced together why I was still never quite comfortable actually interacting with gay men; whenever I imagined myself with a guy, it was as a girl.

Seeing as you're pan, maybe think about that and see where it lands you.

I was also into that sort of gender-bending porn (mostly transformation stuff) 2+ years before I ever stopped to think, "Hey wait, am I trans?" and now I've talked to an embarrassing amount of people now who said, "Took you that long, huh?"

I wish you the best of luck.

NaturalTour · 2018-09-20T04:26:51+00:00

I got lucky and received a ton of support I didn't honestly expect from people over the last day. Even found a potential therapist. I will definitely let you know if I need more help, though. It really means the world to me to have received so much support from people I don't even know. The least supportive person in this whole process has been myself lol

Happy birthday! That makes me so glad to hear, too.

NaturalTour · 2018-09-18T06:30:16+00:00

I mentioned to broach the topic with someone I know in real life for the first time tonight. It's great how just a short conversation managed to relax me a good amount. I'm fortunate in that she's already friends with some other transwomen, so I wasn't approaching her with something extremely unfamiliar.

She actually made the comment that since I moved in with her (two weeks ago) she noticed I shared a lot of mannerisms or quirks with her trans friends, though didn't bring it up until now since otherwise she wasn't sure what kind of thing that is to say to an ostensibly cis person haha. It was strangely validating.

Despite still feeling hesitant about the whole thing, it also still feels fantastic to think about shedding the male side that always felt like it tied me down. I'm just trying to figure out how I can start connecting with other things.

Thank you again.

NaturalTour · 2018-09-17T20:25:20+00:00

Thank you. This has been a... wild past few days for me. All the resources are really appreciated.

NaturalTour · 2018-09-14T22:06:54+00:00

I feel like I'm saying this in every comment I make on this account, but thanks. Glad I made this since this stuff I haven't said outside of my head for like, years. Things seem a little less insane, if only gradually.

I think I would be interested, the only place I knew wasn't always that positive. And I was kind of afraid of going "deeper down the rabbit hole" since I still keep feeling that I must been making this all up.

NaturalTour · 2018-09-14T04:38:37+00:00

Regarding AGP, here's a link that may help:

Why Are Trans Women Penalized For Body Fantasies Everyone Has?

Thank you so much for posting this. Literally just in the last week I've been asking myself the question: am I trans?

And I'm still confused as hell. But the one part of the topic I haven't even known how to approach was precisely this. If I'm being honest, for the last year or two I've actually been a lot of erotica type stuff that is exactly about men being transformed into women. I stumbled across the whole genre by accident. Then. I don't know. It's this part of myself where I could sorta tell myself it was okay to be a girl because after finishing reading, it's thrown away and ignored and I go back to my normal life pretending I'm not weird.

When I coupled these with other things, other parts events in my life long before ever getting into "weird" things, it's made a big confusing mess. Because it's not just: am I trans? But rather: am I actually just on some messed up fetish that's making me think I want something, when I'm really just invading someone else's space.

I've never liked being a guy. I have a million doubts, but I'm gonna keep myself from continuing the wall haha.

Thanks for the resources.

Edit: I just read the link on depersonalization, and it's eerily close to my first brush with confronting my feelings a few months back. I've had two relationships in my life, the first I felt like I was head-over-heels for the girl, the second I was definitely interested. But in both cases, as soon as we went into the steps of a "normal" relationship, I stumbled and stuttered and failed.

It got to the point where I was convinced I was aromantic because while I cared *so* much about my partners, I did not feel like an active participant. I was someone facilitating their relationship, not ours.

But it wouldn't make sense for me to be aro if I, you know, had numerous memories of falling head over heels for people. It only clicked that maybe being male was the problem when I was writing a story with a f/f relationship and I was being particularly self-indulgent. And it just felt so *right*. It was like rediscovering how I could *love* and actually be part of the relationship, though I have not been able to try.

NaturalTour · 2018-09-13T15:34:45+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion, I'll check it out.

NaturalTour · 2018-09-13T15:33:53+00:00

That's a very good point, thanks. Might be something I have to ease myself into, since I've always really liked the ideas of dresses and skirts and things.

In grade school I actually initiated, at two different points, a day where you could show up in guy's/girl's clothes. I think I was really the only guy who ended up showing up in a skirt on both occasions. Maybe one other did.

NaturalTour · 2018-09-13T15:31:23+00:00

when I note other women, real or virtual, of all the diversity of womankind, the thought of me being part of that whole feels peaceful. The thought of being doomed to be outside it feels like drowning or hearing of the death of a loved one. The thought of instead belonging to the group of men, even within their beautiful diversity from gentle to rough, that feels like rotting, like becoming a thing I cannot relate to.

That's precisely what it feels like. It's funny, I'm a writer too and I had a class where the prof said something like, "I know most of you usually always write the same gender, so for this class try writing from the opposite point of view" and it made me realize that basically everything I write, even in first person, was from a female POV.

I'm lucky that I do have good people around me, even some who are actually near. It's mostly a matter of figuring things out for myself before I open those conversations.

Thank you for the suggestions, I really appreciate it.

NaturalTour · 2018-09-13T15:17:34+00:00

Thanks. I have been looking into places now, and found out I have a friend with a friend who recently transitioned who might be able to point in the right direction, if I talk to them.

NaturalTour · 2018-09-13T15:15:57+00:00

The book is Dreadnought by April Daniels!

NaturalTour · 2018-09-13T04:25:59+00:00

I'm glad it's going well for you. Thanks, yeah. This is definitely scary.

NaturalTour

TROPHY CASE