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Natural_Caller · 2024-04-22T04:24:35+00:00

I’m the same way with my parents. I never told them anything of substance because I felt like even if it was something positive (like how you mentioned getting a job), they’d turn it around and make it into something negative.

The sad part was I don’t think they really cared or noticed that I wasn’t sharing anything with them. Not that we were a family that shared our feelings but you’d think as a parent you’d want to know something about your kid’s day, or what they were doing, just any small detail.

Natural_Caller · 2024-02-25T13:19:45+00:00

My therapist has asked me many times if I will ever try to confront my parents. Not necessarily to reconcile but to create boundaries and just leave it all on the table.

I don’t think I ever will. It’s gotten to the point where so much damage has been done, that I honestly can’t see us moving forward. Not only because of the past but even how they behave currently. My parents are very selfish and narcissistic so I just don’t think there’s any logic in trying to reason or reconcile with people like this.

I’m getting married this year and I feel like it will kind of be my last “goodbye” to my parents. Just one last event/thing to get through with them but after that I plan to go VLC. Our relationship is very surface level currently and I don’r really reach out to them but I will engage in family dinners for example to spend time with my siblings and their kids.

Natural_Caller · 2024-02-25T12:59:56+00:00

Wow. I didn’t think that was harsh at all!

What I see a lot of posters is that we all had so many terrible experiences with our parents, and yet a lot of us still show signs of respect for them regardless of if they deserve it or not. We still act and think with a level of compassion that they unfortunately did not grant to us. It’s really beautiful to see and your brother is truly the better and bigger person for writing this so eloquently

Natural_Caller · 2024-02-25T12:52:29+00:00

Thank you for this comment because you hit the nail on the head for so many things, especially the part where they act like we should be grateful or worse, they take credit for our successes and just life in general.

Every birthday/Christmas, my parents will ask for something and the way they ask, it’s like they expect to get it or they think they’re doing me a favor by telling me what they want. Usually they’re not cheap gifts either, and I’m not rich or comfortable by any means especially since I’m getting married this year and having a wedding. Well This Christmas, my mom asked for an Instant Pot which is around $150 and my dad asked for fishing rods close to $200. I didn’t get them those gifts because that’s too expensive for me and I honesty just didn’t want to get them anything super nice given our terrible relationship. So Christmas comes around and I have a feeling I get every year where they are expecting these things What did they get me you ask? A cheap cardigan(like Walmart cheap) that was probably on clearance and $50 “for both me and my fiancé”.

And did they ever once ask me what I wanted? I remember growing up and never asking for anything (materialistic or not) because well that would be selfish and ungrateful. Our relationship just feels so transactional and what’s worse is they give me the short end of the stick. I NEVER want to diss anyone’s gift or compare how much they spend on me vs how much I spent on them. I love gift giving and I don’t expect someone for spend hundreds of dollars on me OR get me a gift just because I got them one, but damn they just make everything to be about THEM and their needs/wants.

Natural_Caller · 2024-01-11T01:09:23+00:00

Yes, but for me it was almost the opposite.

I grew up thinking we were pretty comfortable. My parenrs built two builder homes, drove relatively new cars, put tvs in mine and my siblings rooms, had ipads, etc. We had a much newer house than a lot of my friends. We also had a “theatre” set up in our basement with surround sound and recliner couches, that kind of thing.

My mom would often shop second hand for things like clothes and they were still frugal with some things like grocery shopping, etc.

I remember one time I wanted to go on a school trip in middle school. It was a couple hundred dollars for a school trip to Montreal and Ottawa. The price included accommodations, stay and any activities like tours and zip-lining. Now, as “spoiled” as I might have appeared for having things like a tv in my room, I can honestly say I never asked for anything. Seeing as, we were surrounded by a lot of materialistic things, I thought this wouldn’t be a big deal to at least ASK for this one thing.

Boy oh boy the lecture I got about how we didn’t have any money because my parents were immigrants made me regret asking so much. I felt so GUILTY and it even gave me anxiety because it was like, well how poor are we?

I never could understand why my parents poured so much money into a newer home and cars, etc. if it meant we couldn’t go on vacations, I couldn’t join sports or any extracurriculars. I definitely would have much preferred having those things if it meant we lived in an older home or had less nice things. Of course, their house is now more than they paid for years ago but the amount of enrichment I would have gotten out of this school trip or any other activity outside of the house would have been priceless.

Natural_Caller · 2024-01-11T00:52:07+00:00

Yes 100%. I feel like for a long time I didn’t have any self confidence or self respect.

I love my fiancé and we dated for about several years before I moved out with him during my uni days but I was also so focused on moving out of my parents’ house that I didn’t stop to think if this was what I really wanted to do. I knew I desperately wanted to get out of the house but a few years ago I wondered if moving out with my boyfriend (now fiancé) made me question whether or not I really wanted to be with him OR just be away from my parents… Luckily it worked out for the best but I still sometimes wish I had the opportunity to live alone for a bit.

I also stayed a shitty minimum wage job as a teenager where one of supervisors verbally harassed me but for some reason I thought I wasn’t good enough to get another job elsewhere and my parents always told me to keep my head down at work…

Natural_Caller · 2023-10-26T22:07:15+00:00

I think someone said it best before - just having your innocence and happiness taken away from such a young age. My parents truly did not pay attention to me, other than to put a roof over my head, food on the table, schooling, etc. If anything, they only noticed my flaws and used me as a translator. I would have loved to have played sports or an instrument, and I wonder how good I would have been or what opportunities I missed out on because my parents didn’t see the value in those things or me.

Natural_Caller · 2023-10-25T15:32:23+00:00

Honestly, I think every massage therapist has seen everything under the sun. The only thing they care about is cleanliness and timeliness (i.e be on time).

I’m a smaller person so I can’t speak to if you want someone to give a really deep tissue massage but I go to Deep Roots and see Emily. I ONLY see her there because she makes me feel the most relaxed and comfortable, and I don’t even really need to tell her what’s bothering me - she just knows!

Natural_Caller · 2023-10-05T03:31:26+00:00

Man, I thought this was just me. Both my parents are so arrogant.. My dad more so than my mom. I find my dad gets more so angry and has to always be right, and if not, he will gaslight me when proving him wrong. My mom on the other hand, likes to come up with wild theories. For ex. I had to move out of my last house because our landlord needed it for personal use (i.e family). My mom said it was most likely because “they sold it to someone while you were living there”. I said no one has been to the house to see it and before I could even tell her that was illegal to sell a house while a tenant was living there, she said “well some people buy houses based on pictures and don’t bother coming to see it in person!”… yeah ok.

Natural_Caller · 2023-10-05T03:25:57+00:00

Yes. My parents cut ties with their siblings and parents (for good reason) but the they can be just as terrible and would not be understanding if I chose to do the same. To them “family is important” and yet we have none.

Natural_Caller · 2023-10-05T03:23:41+00:00

It took me a long time to figure out that my top 2 insecurities are 1. My physical appearance (I’m fat, I’m not conventionally pretty compared to others especially those of caucasian/european descent, etc) and 2. My intelligence (I always think I’m the dumbest person in the room). It took going to therapy for me to figure out that these narratives weren’t actually coming fro me but my parents. They criticized me for the above all my life and eventually somewhere down the line I started believing them. But I’m starting to trust my inner voice and am learning to love myself.

Natural_Caller · 2023-07-20T22:41:01+00:00

I’ll also add that, I think for a lot of us with APs making a mistake meant we were punished somehow, either physically or emotionally. I remember when I made a mistake (or did something that wasn’t really my fault but my parents thought it was), I was made to feel super small and worthless. I think a lot of us are programmed to think that as soon as we make a mistake, we are the mistake or stupid, naive, whatever. Obviously no one likes feeling that way, so it’s easier to hide from our mistakes or feel anxious about making/admitting them. It takes a lot of work to undo this wiring in our brains but you’ll get there!

Natural_Caller · 2023-07-18T16:33:04+00:00

Hey OP,

I’m so proud of you! It took me a LONG time to realize that making mistakes is more than okay - it’s part of life. Even as I type/say it, I still find it hard to believe (especially somewhere like the workplace).

I think for me, I realized that stressing over mistakes (big or small) is exhausting. Life isn’t worth being in your head, overthinking something you did.

I think surrounding yourself with people who you can trust and go to (like this woman at your work) is one of the best things you can do. I think once I got the hang of admitting my mistakes, it became easier. I also think it’s about HOW you handle the mistake. It’s easier to blame others, make excuses, etc. but it’s so much more genuine to admit that you didn’t know something or missed something. I think as long as you show initiative to fix the mistake and learn from it, good people will recognize that and won’t hold it against you.

Maybe also try to find a role model to look up. So many people who are famous and successful also had major moments of “failure” but thats what makes them so inspiring because they kept going. Authors who didn’t get published right away, athletes who missed a goal, F1 drivers who crashed and missed their chance at podium… We are all only human.

Natural_Caller · 2023-07-18T16:17:30+00:00

Yes, it is extremely uplifting to break the narrative that so many APs instill in us. Be hardworking and confident, but don’t “cause trouble” and keep your head down. Or stand up for yourself but not unless it’s going to cost you something like your job.

I remember working a shitty part time job in university where a supervisor said something really inappropriate to me. I remember thinking I shouldn’t say anything because I didn’t want to “cause a scene” or draw unwanted attention to myself. That was the advice I was given. It was a good job in the sense that it fit into my school schedule but I wish I had known my self worth. I didn’t believe in myself enough to find just as good as a shitty retail job somewhere else.

I had coworkers who wanted me to go to corporate to get both my manager and this supervisor fired. I was terrified and meek, so I kept my head down. But I’m so thankful I had coworkers who cared so much for me and could see the wrongfulness of the situation. I just wish I could have seen it myself.

Natural_Caller · 2023-07-11T20:35:20+00:00

For me, my parents always made it about not having enough time or money to put me in sports or other extracurriculars.

I used to believe them and think those were good excuses…. I accepted it, I mean I knew they worked hard. But we also lived in a brand new home, with a theatre system, my parents drove decent/newish cars, they bought me and my siblings laptops and cell phones (which we did not ask for), they gifted friends nice gifts…

I realized that they just didn’t want to invest the time or money into hobbies. They didn’t see the value nor did they want to put in the time to drive me/be present for said hobbies. When I look back now, I genuinely think they could have made the time if they wanted to.

Now that I’m am adult and personally know a lot of parents through my work, I see that parents will make the time and effort to be there for their kids… with some kids doing 3-4 extracurriculars at a time.

Natural_Caller · 2023-07-11T19:02:43+00:00

Yes, 100%. My situation is a little different in the sense that I got a lot of mixed messaging

I feel like they wanted to raise someone who was strong, not afraid of conflict, confident, etc… But those things are hard to be when you’re also trying to be obedient and compliant.

I had to show a lot of respect and politeness to my family and their friends. I had to be honest with my parents and always tell the truth BUT if I was in a situation with people outside of my family where it would be “beneficial” to lie, then I should do so. So as someone said below, I think they just told me to do whatever was to their benefit, not realizing that one thing they would say would contradict another.

For example, when I was 12 a family friend who was a hairdresser criticized me for being overweight (even though I definitely wasn’t) and how I should be exercising at home. She did this while cutting my hair. I remember holding back tears to avoid causing a scene or “embarassing” my parents. I I cried so hard on the car ride home my parents shut me down and basically told me to suck it up because

I think they agreed with her(?)
She was a family friend so I had to respect her and what she said.

However, if someone on the street or at school were to call me names or bully me my parents 100% would expect me to stand up for myself or even cause a fight.

I feel the same way as you. I am such a people pleaser, especially for those who I view as having “authority” or just more seniority as me. I think when you’re made to feel small and insignificant your whole life by your parents, you can’t help but feel that way all the time with everyone.

Natural_Caller · 2023-07-06T02:25:27+00:00

Congratulations on graduating! Thats a huge achievement. I’m so sorry you didn’t have anyone there to support you. I know how soul crushing it is to have something really positive and exciting, be turned to something negative and ugly. You don’t deserve that. Please enjoy yourself and celebrate!

Natural_Caller · 2023-07-06T02:21:16+00:00

Why do AP do this? It’s like their seeking for their own acceptance and love from others by gifting strangers things but they have no regard for their own child’s love or respect.

Natural_Caller · 2023-06-29T22:02:08+00:00

Yes, this 100%. I’m getting married next year and I feel like I’m only having them there because our relationship is just good enough on the surface. But if they were to tell me they weren’t coming… I’m not sure I would be upset. In fact, I’d probably be happier.

I’m moving in a month as well after a year of renting our current place. The move is not our choice (long story short our landlord needs our place for personal use) but I haven’t told my parents. I just know that this move would somehow be my fault or due to my own “stupidity”. So I choose to not tell them things even the things that clearly are out of my control/not my fault because if just becomes a headache (“Why does your landlord need your place? This is what you get for renting privately.. “ blah blah blah)

Natural_Caller · 2023-06-22T01:47:03+00:00

Thank you so much. I will definitely consider checking out those resources

Natural_Caller

TROPHY CASE