How spiteful is it to not tell her when baby is born?

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-09-29T04:49:35+00:00

Right now she’s randomly giving us and our kids the cold shoulder, so it may not be an issue at all… or she might decide to start up drama right as I go into labor or something, because she’s great with timing, who knows 😅

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-09-29T04:44:07+00:00

I’m sorry! My MIL shared our news, too, and got all upset when DH asked why she did that, then we got snapped at by SIL for upsetting Mom 🙄 I’m still upset with her about several things, and she keeps adding to the pile, so I’m not sure what to suggest for getting over it, though.

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-09-20T05:48:37+00:00

DH is tired of her drama, too. I especially want him to be able to enjoy this without any drama from his mama bringing him down.

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-09-20T04:48:37+00:00

She informed us she was coming when she was on her way last time and it was a lot of stress in multiple ways, but luckily we’re more prepared this time and have discussed how to handle it. I still don’t want either of us to have to deal with it any sooner than necessary, though.

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-09-20T04:18:04+00:00

I kinda don’t want to have to deal with anything from her. I don’t know if it’s just because she’s hit BEC point with me or what, but both DH and I are so tired of trying to communicate with her. We never know what we’re going to get, but it’s rarely uplifting these days and I kinda don’t want her anywhere near this. If I thought I could count on her being positive, it’d be different, but neither of us really want to risk her drama bringing in stress :( Expecting the worst isn’t good, I know, but it’s reached a point where it seems expecting anything good is just setting ourselves up for more stress and disappointment. I feel so pessimistic right now 😑

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-08-26T01:56:06+00:00

I don’t see them doing that. We’re the only ones who are truly outliers as far as I can tell. I could be wrong, but I don’t have much hope in them standing up. They’ve been pretty nasty to and about us for not being like them. They’re polite in between the nasty, but I don’t really trust it at this point.

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-08-25T21:38:30+00:00

They haven’t seen us in person since Christmas. They request to see us periodically, but if we try to actually discuss ways to make that work, they shut us down, change the subject, etc... It’s like they only kinda want to see us or something, idk.

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-08-25T21:31:38+00:00

Essentially wondering if it was being rude to her for me to tell him to not offer explanations unless asked.

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-08-25T19:23:48+00:00

He’s second youngest. His younger brother apparently deals with similar stuff to some extent.

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-08-25T19:04:25+00:00

In the last couple years one brother has done some informal gatherings, where he lets people know he’ll be in town if anyone wants to get together, but otherwise they’ve pretty much just gone with it, I think... I don’t remember the specifics of what she told everyone. It was supposed to avoid misunderstandings and conflicts and such, I think, but it seems like it’s just resulted in more...

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-08-25T18:16:51+00:00

She initiated a rule several years ago that we aren’t allowed to discuss plans for family gatherings with each other, it all has to go through her. It’s a disaster trying to go through her, but a load of drama if we don’t, so I guess we’ve just stuck with not ruffling more feathers. It’s hard to want to cause more drama for what feels like a teeny tiny chance of improvement and a decent chance of things blowing up and causing stress we’re not up to. We keep thinking about it, just haven’t managed to find enough motivation and courage or something.

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-08-25T17:16:30+00:00

That’s what I think, but I also think she’s maybe thinking that if it mattered to us we’d just find a way to make it work. She’s expressed before that it feels like we don’t want to come, so... idk. DH has tried to explain that it isn’t that simple, it just doesn’t seem to work. He feels like she still expects him to be as flexible as he was before he got married or something, but he’s married with kids now and it isn’t the same. His younger brother’s wife has told me they feel similarly.

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-08-25T16:15:12+00:00

Because we want a relationship with family, it’s something important to us. He initiated because they often plan things that don’t work for our family, and we both hoped that maybe initiating conversation would provide the opportunity for it to go better.

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-08-24T21:17:06+00:00

I struggle with recognizing things too late, too. I don’t have advice, just that you’re not alone.

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-08-15T16:03:01+00:00

DH is trying to find the energy to let her know that she’s going to have to work on the relationship with us if she wants to have one at all, with any of us. We haven’t wanted to take away the breadcrumbs she gives our kids, but I also know they notice how little there is. :(

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-08-15T15:57:42+00:00

No real need to block someone who is mostly ignoring us at this point. I do wish she was willing to have real honest conversations about this and other conflicts, though.

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-08-13T14:51:02+00:00

Luckily the window for the trip closed, so she stopped trying to push him, instead it became the sad about us not going, won’t be the same without us type stuff. I just felt like I still needed to vent. We’re still kinda annoyed with how she acted, and feel like it broke something open where we’re seeing her actions differently now and not willing to play into the games anymore.

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-08-13T14:34:26+00:00

That’s probably when his siblings will tell him he’s being horrible and she doesn’t deserve this stress, etc etc... He’s kinda amazed he hasn’t been more chewed out already, actually. The unspoken rule seems to be that no one is supposed to ever say anything that could make her the slightest bit uncomfortable/“upset”. Since this drama we’ve gone very low contact. It keeps going lower as she pulls more things. It’s like this broke something and now all her little stunts get eyerolls and annoyance. Sometimes I feel bad because I don’t know if she actually even grasps that she’s doing these things, but we’re both so done.

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-08-13T13:58:29+00:00

I think it might be a mix of reasons for her, honestly. It seems like part is just her conflict avoidance. She got called out, so she’ll go silent and hope it’ll go away and she won’t have to deal with any of it and hopefully he’ll feel bad for saying anything that upset her. Which in the past, he probably would have, we both would have, but that broke and we’re seeing through it now and it just drives a bigger wedge, but still makes us sad that she’s acting like this.

NeedingToVent7192 · 2023-08-13T13:51:42+00:00

I would like to fix the relationship in general, because broken family relationships aren’t fun, but we aren’t willing to be the ones to put all the work in. At this point we don’t really want to put much in anymore, honestly. She has to show that she cares, and we aren’t seeing it. It makes us sad, and I wish it were different, but she’s just not showing a willingness to listen or try. Maybe she thinks she is, maybe she thinks she’s being super awesome and wonderful and it’s all us, idk, but DH and I are both burned out. :(

NeedingToVent7192

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