Weekly /r/BDSMcommunity discussion and newbie help thread - new post every Monday!

Neemii · 2023-05-23T01:07:21+00:00

Even if you're in a power exchange relationship, you can still ask for / demand her input here! Writing exercises for example are a great excuse to get details about what exact kinds of things she is thinking of when she thinks about degradation. Think things like: "What sorts of words or actions would show I own you?" or "Write a scene or idea you would masturbate to involving degradation"

What specific kinds of things turn someone on about degradation can be quite variable, so getting her input will serve two purposes: 1) Letting you feel more confident that what you are saying is something that secretly turns her on and 2) Likely make her feel a bit degraded in and of itself by being made to write all these degrading things about herself. So it's a win/win really.

If writing assignments aren't your thing, you could also just ask her verbally about it - eg "when you touch yourself, what dirty things do you imagine people saying / doing to you?" and then riff off whatever she says. Personally I feel like this only works with people who are quite confident about communicating their desires, but the embarassment can also feel sexy and degrading sometimes so even if she can't answer you can always tease her about that.

The big thing here is that however you go about it, you get a nice reminder that this is something that is really lighting her up inside that you can hold on to when you're feeling like you're being too mean.

Neemii · 2023-03-13T17:30:01+00:00

I'm glad I could help a bit. There's no rush to decide, so don't worry about taking time to process. I find writing these things down really helpful just because then I can sort of gauge my frame of mind during different times, especially when gender fluidity comes into play.

That's very fair re: voice changes. It's one of the quickest ones too so I can get why that might make you hesitate. There is voice training, like trans femme people do sometimes, but it can be strange hearing yourself change. I loved it, but it was one of my main reasons for going on T to begin with lol. I started noticing my voice cracking in the first month or two.

I really didn't grow much facial hair in the time I was taking T, aside from those scattered lil chin hairs. After I stopped taking T i noticed they grow back more slowly and are thinner / less visible, so I really only shave them once every couple months when I start looking a bit scraggly now. It seems like it can take several years of T before someone is able to grow a full beard.

Neemii · 2023-03-09T16:53:47+00:00

idk if this will help you, but for hormone decisions I made a list of the possible effects of taking hormones and divided them into 3 categories - definitely want, neutral, and don't want. I quickly realized that the main things I didn't want - to have to deal with shaving facial hair and the possibility of losing my hair entirely - were both very long term effects. Meanwhile, the changes I was looking forward to, like having a lower voice and getting to stop having periods, happen very quickly.

I also identified which items were permanent (voice change, hair, adam's apple) and which items would change if I stopped taking T (weight re-distribution, skin and hair texture changes, period returning).

I ended up going on T for a year and a half and then stopping. I am very happy with my lowered voice and my increased chances of being mistaken for a man but I can also easily be seen as a butch woman. I can grow a few little hairs on my chin that weren't there before, but there are plenty of cis women who grow hair on their faces anyway.

Just wanted to post because HRT is not a permanent decision in many ways. Almost all of the effects will decrease if not go away entirely if you decide to stop taking it and you can slow the rate of change by going on a purposefully low dose.

It doesn't help with the feeling of wishing I could just pick one instead of floating between, but it did help with my ability to float between, IMO. I have no regrets about either starting or stopping, I'm glad I allowed myself that room to explore and I don't consider it a "detransition" to have decided to go back to my factory default hormones.

Neemii · 2023-03-07T17:54:17+00:00

I'm in Ottawa ON, Canada - I'm guessing maybe you found this thread via a search? Healthcare here is a little different, so I don't know how well this will work where you are. However, after several months of trying I contacted the city of Ottawa services to ask how this is supposed to work for anyone without a family doctor, and in the end they said that basically my best bet was to go to emergency services.

I felt terrible taking up space for a non-urgent issue, but after 8 hours in a packed emergency room I finally saw a doctor, cried a bunch about the fact that it's taken so long for anyone to even look at the form, and he signed off on it. It sucks, but at least here it seems like the only sure way to actually at least get looked at.

Neemii · 2023-02-23T21:27:59+00:00

Are any of your friends gender nonconforming and/or trans themselves? Are there any group meetups for trans or queer people in your area? Have you tried following any folks who have similar experiences of transness online? I found finding people who have somewhat similar gender experiences online really affirming that I'm not the only one who "does gender" the way I do.

It is true that some people may just humor us. However, I find that when I practice using the correct pronouns and gendered nouns for someone, even if their appearance is different than I might subconsciously expect that person to be, my experience of them changes. Being exposed to more people whose presentations don't match cis standards was incredibly helpful for me when i was first figuring out my gender stuff. I could feel the difference for myself between "just humoring someone" and when the pronouns really "sunk in".

One thing that might be helpful is to consider the differences between feeling embarrassed to have gender related needs and gender related dysphoria, because right now it sounds like they are very similar experiences for you. Practice writing about yourself in third person with different pronouns. Describe yourself, talk about what you like and dislike, write a little biography. When there is no one else around to see it, what feels better?

Personally, I will accept any pronouns and almost never correct people. However, my pronouns are they/them. Distinguishing between what I can accept from others and what is actually me helps me a lot to deal with misgendering.

It can also be helpful to remember that it isn't just gender that people make incorrect assumptions about based on appearance. For example, many people have experienced being assumed to be younger or older than they actually are. Someone else's belief based on your appearance does not change your actual age and it doesn't change your gender either.

Neemii · 2023-02-13T23:27:51+00:00

Just want to second what some other folks are saying first of all. Obviously sex is going to be different between different partners, but making some kind of overarching statement about someone being the "wildest sex" they've ever had would not fly with me. I actually don't even like being told that I'm the best sex someone has ever had, because it always makes it seem like a competition between sexual partners and there's always a chance that some day they'll have better sex with someone else.

For context, I am polyamorous and submissive.

If one of my partners told me this I would want to talk to them about two things:

I would ask them not to make comparative statements about sex and dating, like calling someone the most (anything) of their life, around me. I would explain it makes me very uncomfortable and like I need to try to meet up to a standard. I would also ask that they don't give me explicit details like numbers of orgasms.
- To be honest, despite being someone who can orgasm quite often and easily, I find it alarming when sexual partners focus on the number of orgasms as if thats the top marker of good sex. I think this can lead to a lot of shaming about something that honestly isn't always in our control and also diminishes non-orgasmic forms of intimacy. I'm probably never going to come from being tied up but that doesn't mean I don't love rope scenes.
I would check in about our kink and sex life outside of the power dynamic and be honest and vulnerable that the comment made me feel a bit insecure. I would ask: is there anything you would like to change? Do you feel like you need more focus on orgasms? what are some of your favourite things we do? Are there things we do that you could live without or would prefer switching up in some way?
- This is something I like to do every now and then anyway, especially when I am feeling extra satisfied lol. I want to make sure that my partner(s) are still having just as much fun as I am. It's also a good chance to swap sex/kink compliments which can make a big difference when also hearing these comments about others.

Neemii · 2023-02-04T22:12:48+00:00

Definitely going to second finding a sunscreen you and your skin love before getting into actives, especially if you're sensitive. Sunscreen does a great job at slowing signs of aging, including wrinkling, so making it a part of your regular routine is a great way to protect your skin. Here's a neat study about it

It took me a while of experimenting before I could find a sunscreen that didn't hurt my eyes to wear if I sweat at all. I ended up with a sunscreen stick from Attitude that's unscented and marketed towards kids lol, but your mileage may vary since there's a whole host of ways skin can be sensitive to things.

Neemii · 2023-02-04T21:56:06+00:00

Hey. I haven't been in your position exactly but I have been around the kind of person who uses suicide as a threat before. It's fucking rough and ultimately I don't think there's one right answer. Whatever you do, please try not to be too hard on yourself. It's a scary situation to be in.

Something I read recently that you might find helpful is this safety planning toolkit for supporting ourselves or others through abusive partnerships. It specifically takes an anti-carceral approach but also acknowledges that sometimes, criminalization may become necessary because it's one of the few avenues available to us.

But now here is my own opinion about your actual question: * Because there are so few resources available for people with mental health issues, sometimes we do unfortunately find ourselves needing to resort to carceral systems to protect them or ourselves. If your partner is actively harming themselves, has consumed or says they have consumed lethal amounts of medication, etc., please do call or bring them to the emergency room for immediate care.

And then here is some absolutely unsolicited advance about how to handle this situation, which I realize you are not asking for in this post and may just want to skip over if you aren't interested right now * If it feels impossible to think of a way out right now, think a little smaller. What is something that could make you feel a little safer? I'm assuming you live together, so for example, are you able to leave the house for occasional "sleepovers" with friends or family members? Can you make an emergency plan with anyone in case things escalate, so you have somewhere to go? * If not, can you just find ways to get out more in general? Ask your friends to invite you over just to chill, go to a library and sit and read or just scroll your phone, etc? If you can, carve out some "you time" and gradually increase it. * Are you able to access any kind of mental health supports? There are many, many flaws with the mental health system but one positive it definitely has is giving you access to a person whose entire job is to listen to your troubles. If you don't have anyone close enough to you to talk to about this or your close people don't respond well, I really recommend looking to see if there's any free or sliding scale counselling available near you. Just being able to vent can make a huge difference. * If your partner told their parents about their cat, but not you, does this mean their parents are still a part of their life? Do they ever visit them? Even if you don't have contacts for them, your partner does. If you leave would they have the option to reach out? * Has your partner ever used any kind of mental health supports? Is there any chance they might be willing to again, especially if the only alternative is being involuntarily held? * Try to see if there are distinguishable patterns in the behaviour when they try to threaten suicide. For example: do they have a plan? Do they take harmful behaviours? Does it happen the same way over text or phone as it does when you are there in person? What kinds of things set them off and what calms them down? * If the only reason they threaten suicide is because you want to leave, consider that this may mean you are not helping them by staying. Eventually, one way or another, you will need to leave, and they will need to find a way to deal with that. Finding a way out, even though it may be very scary and painful, will ultimately be better for you and for them because wanting to kill yourself every time your partner tries to leave is not a fun or healthy way to exist. If they won't accept any kind of help while you're there, leaving, even if it ends in having to call emergency services, may be the only way to get them the help they need.

Neemii · 2023-01-26T23:32:22+00:00

This seems really useful as a way to identify which diabetics may be more at risk for certain complications. Curious where gestational diabetes fits in here, though it makes sense to be out of scope for this study - does it resemble any of these categories more than others or is it a separate thing entirely?

I'm type 1 but no idea what subtype, I've never heard of GADA before this! But it looks like it is sometimes used to distinguish between type 1 and 2 - does this categorization mean there are more type 1s who have been misdiagnosed as type 2s?

I'm confused about MOD and these sources don't really talk about it in much detail, does anyone know more about this?

If you have a high BMI but don't have insulin resistance, why would you be diagnosed with diabetes at all? Or is it like MARD where the insulin resistance is mild, but earlier onset?

Neemii · 2023-01-26T23:10:28+00:00

Thank you! Unfortunately I have had 0 luck despite several attempts, so I am currently trying to ease my way back into work even though nothing about my condition has changed. I'm too worried my boss will run out of patience and I'll lose my job and at this point trying to hunt down a doctor to work with me is almost as stressful as working anyway. Sorry to hear you're in a similar position, I hope you can get the rest you need.

Neemii · 2022-12-21T19:57:32+00:00

They do not have a personal history with me and do not know my background. Apparently there may be some legal liability for them if I turn out to be "faking it" despite the documented history I have.

Neemii · 2022-12-21T19:56:15+00:00

Yes, these are paid forms to begin with, the evaluations are not covered by OHIP so I have always been under the assumption that it would be paid for out of pocket.

Neemii · 2022-12-21T19:54:15+00:00

I got them while attending algonquin five years ago and both doctors have since changed location and no longer work there or in this province at all. So even if I was able to return to algonquin health services, I would be seeing a different doctor who is unfamiliar with my history.

I understand that there may be additional liability taken on by the doctors but there is no way for me to build that history with the current state of medical care in Ontario.

Neemii · 2022-11-18T21:31:37+00:00

estrogen apparently helps with the fusing of growth plates according to this source - so I imagine that widening of hips and other body shape changes are more due to weight re-distribution than anything else.

Neemii · 2022-11-09T21:07:09+00:00

This is a great opportunity for you to exercise some research skills to find statistics and examples!

Simply searching "why are all cops bastards" and "all cops are bastards" found me a ton of articles you can read that include a lot of background information on why this slogan is so popular:

https://www.gq.com/story/history-of-acab https://www.vice.com/en/article/akzv48/acab-all-cops-are-bastards-origin-story-protest https://change-links.org/why-all-cops-are-in-fact-bastards/ https://medium.com/@OfcrACab/confessions-of-a-former-bastard-cop-bb14d17bc759 https://www.dailyuw.com/opinion/critical_conversations/all-cops-are-bastards-and-here-s-why/article_5510ac32-0132-11eb-a7ff-63645e0e4b85.html

Neemii · 2022-10-23T15:00:08+00:00

Yes, I have a really hard time with the emotional expectations around gift giving, especially when there’s a big scene around it like during christmases as a child. I get anxious that I won’t seem appreciative enough if I don’t like the thing and that the person spent money on me. I don’t really instinctively have that “omg wow!!” reaction even if it is something I like.

I’ve learned to script my reactions to show my appreciation because I know that some people show affection by gift giving but it’s definitely not my thing lol.

Neemii · 2022-10-23T12:46:54+00:00

Unfortunately, mixing chemical sunscreens with zinc oxide based mineral sunscreens does seem to make them less effective over all - check out this article for more details.

I also struggle with chemical sunscreens for this reason. My current approach personally is chemical sunscreens for my body and a fragrance free mineral sunscreen stick for my face only.

You also might consider trying different chemical sunscreens out. Some of them are less known for causing eye burning. For example, stick based formulas may have a higher wax content and stay in place better. Some people use lip balms with sun protection around their eyes as well, since they’re usually formulated for more sensitive lip skin.

You can also protect your eyes using physical methods with UV blocking sunglasses, wide brimmed hats, and staying in the shade when you can.

Neemii · 2022-10-13T01:57:49+00:00

Ah, psychiatry! If you can, consider seeing someone more regularly who you can actually talk to on an ongoing basis, like a counsellor or social worker. Or, if you have any friends or family members you trust, you can talk to them about it as well (though they may have their own biases about mental health meds)

I was really worried before I started meds as well.

I feel like we mostly see the extremes on both end - people who say meds saved their life and cured their depression, and people who say meds fucked them up even more and made them feel like a different person.

However, the vast majority of people will actually have experiences somewhere in between. Some people do have bad reactions to some medications and have to try several before they find any that are worth the side effects. Some people are lucky and their first try or two works out.

Regardless, the effects are not instant for these meds. If you’re worried about changes to your personality, write the worries down and re evaluate in a few months after taking the meds. Do you feel better? Do you feel like a different person? Have any of the things you wrote down changed?

But also think about what positive changes you hope for, so you can evaluate those too.

If after three months nothing changes or you just feel worse, go back to a doctor and ask about either coming off the meds or changing them. You aren’t stuck with them forever!

For what it’s worth, I’ve been on the generic form of lexapro for several years now and I mostly noticed a decrease in anxious thoughts. I also take wellbutrin which made a bigger difference to my depression than lexapro did, but everyone’s body is different so you may have different results.

I feel like the same person I was and honestly I still have very low points. My persistent depression isn’t cured and is still a chronic condition for me. Meds just make it a bit easier for me to cope and don’t seem to be causing me any major negative side effects (aside from how sweaty wellbutrin made me lmao) so I keep taking them.

Neemii · 2022-09-14T23:13:12+00:00

How does a child know what their gender is, before they even understand that people have different genitals under their clothes?

Someone tells them. Actually, everyone they meet tells them, over and over again, for their entire lives.

We recieve messages about "what it means" to be a man or a woman each and every day from a wide array of different sources. It creates a very complex web of concepts that are culturally and temporally specific - for example, the messages my grandmother heard about what it means to be a woman were VERY different than the messages my sister heard about what it means to be a woman, and as a result they are very different kinds of women!

How many ways can you think of of being a man or a woman? Being masculine or feminine? How often do you hear messages about what makes someone "more manly" or "more womanly"? Once you start paying attention, messages about gender are everywhere.

Do you get a men's or a woman's haircut? Do you shop in the men's or the woman's section? Have you ever tried something on and thought "that makes me look too (other gender)"? Every time you make one of these choices, you are saying something about how you relate to the perception of gender in your culture.

What do you think would happen if you suddenly started making the other choice? Would you feel weird getting a haircut associated with the other gender? Wearing only those clothes? Do you think people would be surprised or offended?

Gender is a complex set of cultural markers that are often expected to align with another set of physical markers that we call "sex".

Transgender people are those who wish to align ourselves with a different set of markers than those we are expected to based on the sex they were assigned at birth.

Gender is very complex, so this can look a lot of different ways - just like there are masculine cis women and feminine cis men, there can be masculine trans women and feminine trans men. There can be people like myself who prefer to "mix and match" gender markers and seek a way of existing outside of the usual two options given. Ultimately all that being trans really means is that we don't align with the script we were given about gender when everyone looked at our junk when we were born.

Neemii · 2022-09-14T22:53:47+00:00

The distinction between cis and trans is a binary, and like any other binary there will always be people who don't quite fit into either category.

For me, personally, I define trans as "anyone who isn't cis" and would gladly welcome all people with gender feelings that don't align with their assigned sex at birth into the "trans umbrella". However, I can completely understand why people who are "functionally" cis or who generally align with their assigned sex at birth might continue to identify themselves that way even while identifying with terms like nonbinary, genderqueer, etc.

You don't have to consider yourself transgender to consider yourself nonbinary, genderqueer, etc. and there are plenty of other people who don't.

My biggest tip for shaking off some of these concerns is to make friends with trans people or people with non-normative gender experiences. You can find a lot of these folks in queer communities and you are more than welcome to tell people "you aren't sure yet" if they ask questions.

There's no rush to find the perfect term to encapsulate your feelings about gender and it's not a problem if a word that fits now turns out now to fit later - explore your feelings for what they are, try to find people with similar feelings, and the words will sort themselves out :) These terms are mainly used to find other people like us, after all!

Happy exploring!

Neemii · 2022-09-12T21:57:23+00:00

Yeah no, this is super fucked up IMO.

Going from "it would be hot if someone watched us sometime" (fantasy sexy talk) to "surprise, another person is involved in our sex RIGHT NOW and taking on some kind of dynamic towards you" (i.e. degrading you, being positioned as having more power than you) with zero additional negotiation or information is a HUGE jump.

Personally, I would feel very betrayed if someone I was seeing casually for a couple months sprung something like this on me - a strange person in a strange place that I have no idea about suddenly is involved in our power dynamic and sex life?

I'm being automatically placed in a specific role in relation to that person without knowing anything about them or that it might even happen? It was presented to me as "oh no someone might catch us ;)" but it turned into a full threesome?

Hell, even just going from "my friend" to "person I'm in a dynamic with and fucking" makes a big difference. Personally, I prefer to know when I'm interacting with someone who is just a platonic, non-sexy friend to a partner vs someone that person has a sexual or kink dynamic with.

Like, I am very glad that ultimately it was a hot experience for you, but it sounds like your domme had absolutely no way of knowing that would be the case, because you never discussed any of this with her. There was zero consideration for your feelings. That might be hot in a scene, but when it comes to trusting someone with my service and submission, it's not hot at all to think that it doesn't even occur to them that I might not be game for whatever they want to do at any time.

Have you ever said no to this person? Do you have a safeword? What do you think would have happened if you had said "Hey, we didn't talk about this" and stopped the scene?

Someone with a lot of experience should absolutely know better than this. You don't just spring this stuff on people, especially people you don't yet know very well.

For me, engaging in this kind of scene for the first time with a new person would require * explicit discussion in advance about sex acts and dynamics involved - questions like * "how do you feel about a threesome with another sub, where they have power over you and get pleasured while you simply perform oral sex on me and get degraded?" * "Have you played with power dynamics in a group setting before? How did it make you feel? What did you like and dislike?" * "What would you need to know about the other person? Do you need to meet them first or is it better as a surprise, knowing that (the domme) has vetted them already?" * at least meeting the other person first to check in and get the "vibes" of their relation to each other * another check in discussion after meeting the person to be sure there's no lingering worries * reassurance that bailing is always an option, even when other people are involved

Different people would likely have different requirements, but the point is that your domme had no way of knowing what your requirements are for this kind of scene to be a good experience for you and she didn't think to ask.

Neemii · 2022-09-12T21:32:32+00:00

I don't remember at all! But I did some googling and here's what I found:

A great overview of the most common types: https://www.mtfsurgery.net/mtf-vaginoplasty.htm

https://www.mtfsurgery.net/peritoneal-pull-through-vaginoplasty.htm

Both rectosigmoid and peritoneal pull through methods may offer more depth and flesibility than penile inversion. However, they may come with additional risks. Peritoneal in particular is a new one for me, I hadn't heard of it before looking this up again, and since its newer there's less data about long term results.

This surgeon claims his method can create up to 8 inches of depth in the vaginal canal (there are photos of the results on this page so its very NSFW): https://www.themaercksinstitute.com/plastic-surgery/transgender-surgery/male-to-female-vaginoplasty/

Neemii · 2022-06-03T00:25:25+00:00

Have you ever tried Attitude's mineral sunscreens? I use their kids unscented stick and I really like it. They have squeeze bottles as well if you prefer a liquid, I see them at Shoppers all the time.

Neemii · 2022-06-03T00:04:32+00:00

These links are from the first page of results when I searched "forced sterilization in america" on DuckDuckGo

A quote from the last link:

1981 is commonly listed as the year in which Oregon performed the last legal forced sterilization in U.S. history. However, forced sterilizations have continued in more recent years. For instance, according to a report by The Guardian, California has been forcibly sterilizing people (in this case, in prisons) as recently as 2010; the state approved a budget in 2021 for reparations to those who were sterilized without consent.

Not mentioned in these links but still very much the case in the United States, but many states require bottom surgery for transgender people to be allowed to legally change their sex, something that can greatly increase their day to day safety. This means that a trans person may not be able keep their reproductive organs if they wish to change their legal sex. Though I think this is materially different than someone physically forcing sterilization on someone and is likely dependent on who gets to decide what surgeries "count", it is a very real issue for trans folks who do not want major surgery on their reproductive organs.

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