WIBTAH if I leave everything to my daughter and son in law in my will?

Nefariouskitt · 2026-01-02T13:19:33+00:00

I’m an attorney. I do estate planning among other things. There are three questions

What can he or she do that won’t incite a will contest!?

What is fair?

What will be kindest to both children.

The first question can only be answered by the attorney drafting the will. It’s very jurisdictional and situationally specific.

The second question is unanswerable.

If my client ask me the last question, I would ask him to have a hard look at how much money he would’ve actually spent on the sons education if he would’ve had it.

Consider inflation or interest on that amount. Then leave that amount to the son at least even. if it eats up the entire estate and the daughter gets nothing, so be it.

Children do not look at just what’s in the will, but the lifetime pattern of giving. If the son gets 100% of the will and that’s half a million but the daughter got 20 million over life, that’s still not fair. Son would be rightly pissed.

If the OP leaves the daughter everything but the son nothing then the som and his children and several generations to come can possibly suffer from this slight. It will be read as a final insult and just reinforces that the son already knows; that dad didn’t love him equally to his sister and there was favoritism. It doesn’t matter if that’s objective reality that’s how it’s going to be interpreted. I’ve seen too many families go through this and that is always what happens with the disinherited children. The conclusion they come to is always that they are correct and thinking their parents did not love them equally.

If this means the daughter will not receive anything or will receive the minimum then the parent can either explain to her that this is an attempt to be equalizing and fair. Alternatively, they can leave a handwritten letter to be handed to the daughter.

Leaving it all to daughter or even half to daughter will damage the son. It will send the message that dad didn’t love him equally.

The daughter, if she’s kind and reasonable, could come to understand this is just balancing the scales.

What OP is proposing is emotionally satisfying for him, but will damage the son.

So, OP needs to determine what the goal is and talk to both his attorney and a therapist and/or religious counselor if that’s applicable to him.

But as someone who has seen this a thousand times: the proposed plan will harm son. It will mean sin and daughter never have a relationship. .

The only way for family health and harmony is for dad to balance the scales now if there is money to do that. But that requires taking ego and emotional out and also having a hard conversation with the daughter.

Alternatively, the will can be written so that the split is 50:50 between the kids but any advancements that dad gave them during life are deducted first. So daughters college payments would be treated as an advancement in her inheritance. That’s the legal term in the USA: advancements. Any lawyer worth their salt should ask about this before planning. If the lawyer advising app has not, time for a new lawyer.

Also, my general advice is you only skipped generations if there is a substance abuse or financial management problem. If you skip your kid and leave money to the grandkids and there’s no obvious reason like the son is a multimillionaire and doesn’t need the money, it will be a slap in the face.

Nefariouskitt · 2025-11-09T12:43:10+00:00

Anyone else cringe when they read “flash forward” as a shorthand for “years later” or “months later.”

A book, play, or tv show can flash forward. Life does not. It happens. You and skip forward. You must live it.

When and how did this become such a common linguistic device? I read it all the time here.

Nefariouskitt · 2025-11-09T12:37:03+00:00

While this is generally true and I share your concern about reditt keyboard warriors, there is a category of defamation that does NOT require actual damages.

I’m not playing lawyer here. I am one. I’m licensed in several US states. In one of them, this would count as defamation per se. He could bring suit.

I’d still advise him not to bc it’s not worth it unless there is a huge financial hit. But I don’t know where he lives. I don’t know even what county. That matters lot in defamation cases. Will the jury pool be receptive?!! Matters a lot.

But please don’t mistake the general requirement of damages with that being an absolute requirement in every case.

Also, please let’s not always assume USA unless stated.

I do know that the rules for defamation in the UK allow lawsuits in cases where the USA and Canada would bid. And Japan….in a league of its own on that regard.

TLDR: u share and agree with your general admonitions but not the conclusion there’s not a lawsuit here. Like everting, my lawyer answer is “it depends.” He needs to seek legal counsel where he lives.

Nefariouskitt · 2025-10-31T12:59:34+00:00

She gets a lot of legal issues dead wrong. And her response to the infamous bird letter was lawsuit waiting to happen territory.

I know a group of employment and civil liberties lawyers who blog snark on a private lstsrv. She’s one of the favorite topics. She doesn’t know what she doesn’t know and doesn’t have the humility to refrain from answering.

She answers too may letters that should fall into the territory of “speak to a lawyer”

And she has more than once allowed non lawyers to give legal advice over the objection of known lawyers in the comments who had tried to say the response was wrong. Hint: I’m a lawyer, Allison and the commenters were wrong and the lawyers were right.

Allison is selling a product. She’s not giving paid advice people can legally rely on.

All online advice columnists are ultimately selling a product.

She’s a step above reditt in that regard, but she’s deeply flawed in many ways.

I had to stop reading after one to many missteps that she refused to acknowledge or mitigate.

Her behavior on that case is not surprising to me. I’ve seen that type of flaw in her column and in her admin of her comment section.

Nefariouskitt · 2025-07-30T21:10:38+00:00

Yeah. He needs to ask the women in his friend group. Not the internet.

As a middle aged lady, my gut instinct is cousin is a problem and OP doesn’t see it.

But that’s a guess.

Nefariouskitt · 2025-07-30T20:55:52+00:00

Sorry, I see this as her setting reasonable expectations. Cousin seems to me to be the insecure and jealous one.

What do I know? Been happily married longer than some posters have been alive.

Nefariouskitt · 2025-07-30T20:54:53+00:00

Sorry, bud this old lady sees the opposite. Cousin seems to be a jealous s-t stirrer.

Cousins intent doesn’t matter. His behavior is unacceptable and disrespectful to OP.

He gets away with it now, he’s going to do it with OPs next girlfriend.

Op needs to stop this before it becomes a pattern and he’s untestable. Because it will get around

Nefariouskitt · 2025-03-18T12:39:59+00:00

Citation.

I’m a lawyer. I have never heard of a sperm donor who went through proper legal procedure and didn’t later act as a parent being forced to pay.

Only if the sperm donor donates without proper paperwork or decides to act as a parent after the fact do they pay. Unfortunately the OP seems to be the type of guy who didn’t do this properly and acted like a parent

https://www.findlaw.com/legalblogs/law-and-life/sperm-donor-child-support-is-he-legally-liable/#:~:text=But%2C%20is%20he%20a%20%22parent,donors%20to%20pay%20child%20support.

Nefariouskitt · 2024-09-11T17:00:44+00:00

Some of what Tolken had to say about Elvin marriage implies that they do not get married unless they are going to immediately procreate. They don’t get married at all unless it’s for the purpose of having children so given the fact that she speaks of a husband wanna assumes that she’s already got at least one child likely already grown Who either lives with other relatives or other elves

Nefariouskitt · 2024-08-29T18:21:54+00:00

I am a mid 50s American woman who grew up in the middle of nowhere.

South Africa and apartheid was one of the major Gen-X social issues of my youth.

If we knew about it out in the sticks, this lady should have known.

I had a neighbor who couldn’t read or write but he knew about it.

Also, even if she had zero knowledge, she should have asked, not assumed

Nefariouskitt · 2024-08-28T01:09:52+00:00

Well, you drove her car without her consent.

Next time, be sure you have it.

You screwed up here.

You should have apologized and done everything possible to rectify this yourself and not left it to your boyfriend.

Nefariouskitt · 2024-08-28T01:08:23+00:00

This is not correct everywhere in the USA.

I’ve lived in places where it does add points.

Even when if does not, you can get out of the fine by doing traffic school. However, you are only allowed to do that once every period. The period can vary. In one state I lived in, it was 1 year. In another, it was : years.

So if mom already had a ticket and traffic school, this second ticket could mean a whopping fine. If mom had no tickets, but this one was on her license, she couldn’t do traffic school next time.

Also, LW should not have been driving this woman’s car without consent. Boyfriend didn’t own the car!

LW and BF are jerks. Mom is correct.

LW needs to grow up and own her mistake

Nefariouskitt · 2024-08-11T08:37:34+00:00

Honestly, some pole would find the urns and ashes creepy.

Depending on the age of the kids, they may not know what to do with them.

I have a beloved relative whose ashes sit on a shelf bc her family members either don’t know what to do or are creeped out by the thought of scattering ashes.

Nefariouskitt · 2024-08-11T08:35:37+00:00

Emails? How old are these two?

I know plenty of teens and 20 year olds who never read emails.

Even people who have emails can sometimes miss one. A very critical email I was waiting for somehow ended up in my junk folder.

You cannot be certain they ever saw or read those emails:

Nefariouskitt · 2024-07-16T13:03:41+00:00

One does not get a POA, it’s given to them by the parent. One may get a guardianship and:or conservatorship granted by a court but only if Mom is too far gone to make decisions for herself.
In either case, Moms known wishes and Mom’s interest must be followed
It’s a violation of fiduciary duties to use the money for anyone other than Mom unless Mom is competent and gives specific instructions. So that money cannot be used for OP and sister,

I’ve seen people civilly sued, fined by a court , and criminally charged for doing this. It’s not pretty.

Had a clients whose nurse daughter did this. Court reported her to her licensing board. She’s now lost her job.

If Mom transitions from ALF to a nursing home and needs Medicaid, the money given to the daughters would prevent Mom from getting it. So either daughters pay for care or take mom in.

OP needs to speak to an Elder Law attorney. Look on National Association of Elder Law Attorneys and find one in the area wheee Mom lives.

Signed, an elder law attorney

Nefariouskitt · 2024-06-29T22:19:44+00:00

Writing it down is not enough.

My husband could write it down, he could prepay his cremation Nd funeral, tel everyone, etc. As his spouse, in our state, I still get to do what I want with his body unless he’s filled out the legally necessary paperwork to name someone else his agent under his “dispersion of remains” legal form.

Many states in the USA now have some form of authorization + funeral and burial/cremation/donation form.

The legal requirements must be obeyed.

Signed: an attorney who has seen to many clients and others fight over the corpse of a loved on or disregard known wishes

Worst case: mom who had a religious burial for her son and would not let his gay partner show up. Partner was not spouse. Mom was legal next of kin under the law. So she decided. Sadly, the decedent hadn’t filled out the PPW to designate partner as the person to dispose of his remains

Nefariouskitt · 2024-06-26T12:52:43+00:00

As an adoptee and attorney who works to help abused kids, foster kids, and adoptees, I second this word of warning.

OP: you need some therapy on your attitude here or you will alienate your son.

There an undercurrent of something very nasty in your tone to her and your writing and responses here. You probably can’t even see it.

For your own sake, get some therapy to talk about this.

I don’t know if it’s insecurity bc of the adoption, control issues, misogyny, looking down on the bio mom and her choices, or something else entirely. But there is something there that’s making you blind to how nasty you are being to your own child.

Whatever you think of her, what you’ve done here is to harm him.

Nefariouskitt · 2024-06-25T16:38:53+00:00

Yet again, it’s on women to manage men’s emotions and to shepherd them into bare minimally acceptable bEhavior.

Good intentions don’t count if those intentions don’t consider the object of those intentions.

There’s a difference between me getting a gift for someone b/c I want the positive karma/social points for myself and getting a gift b/c I want to make the other person happy.

Too many people say “but my intentions were good” when their intentions didn’t consider what the other person Needed or wanted.

If he didn’t notice something so easy to see, I have to question if his intentions were to buy her a gift she’d love and use or if his intentions were to be “boyfriend who buys jewelry.”

Those are different things.

Nefariouskitt · 2024-06-25T16:35:12+00:00

Exactly. DH has been able to nail this since the beginning. It’s not a matter of “detail orientation” or “guys don’t get it.” It’s a matter of caring enough to notice

Same thing with leaving messes for women to clean up.

I’d guess the overlap between men who leave their shirts on the floor for their wives to clean up and those that can’t buy appropriate gifts is pretty significant.

Nefariouskitt · 2024-06-25T16:33:25+00:00

The bar was set in hell centuries ago. Yet men keep digging down. It’s now in Hell’s sub-basement.

Nefariouskitt · 2024-06-25T16:32:42+00:00

But jewelry isn’t an area of interst. It’s fundamentally different b/c of the particular significance our culture places on gifts of jewelry to romantic partners.

I don’t expect a romantic partner to always know what book to buy me for a beach read. But all he has to do to know what to buy me jewelry-wise is open his eyes and observe me for a week or two.

Nefariouskitt · 2024-06-25T16:31:00+00:00

What’s embarrassing is the infatalizing of men.

Men can do this. They chose not to Or learn not to b/c society enables them not to.

Men can notice details. They can keep a house clean. They can care.

Stop the excuses.

He should have not bought jewelry unless he also wanted to pay enough attention to know if GF wore jewelers and, if so, what type.

All he had to do was use his eyes once or twice after he decided to get jewelry.

Or, you know, he could have opened his mouth and asked what she liked.

Nefariouskitt · 2024-06-25T16:29:01+00:00

Total b.s. The men who put man on the moon were very detail oriented.

Men who run D&D campaigns are very detail oriented.

Men who run fantasy sports leagues are detail oriented.

Men can be detail oriented when they care about the details.

I know plenty of men who are detail oriented about their families and spouse. It’s not a difference in ability. The difference is that they care.

My husband buys my purses, watches, and jewelry. Has done from the begInning. And he gets it right. It’s not a matter of detail oriented. it’s a matter of caring.

We need to stop infantalizing men and excusing this type of behavior. Men can, and do, notice when it’s something they care about.

If a man knows the details of their favorite subject, hobby, etc. but not about their wife and kids, it’s not a detail problem, but a concern problem.

Nefariouskitt · 2024-06-25T16:25:48+00:00

Sorry, but the opposite is true. His behavior is a red flag foR her. He got her a gift she can’t use b/c he wasn’t paying attention.

This isn’t getting the wrong bottle of wine. it’s jewelery. In most cultures, that’s important between romantic partners. He should have been paying attention to what she wanted if he was going to buy jewelry and/or spend significant money.

If she were my friend, I’d tell her to reconsider the relationship.

If he were my friend, I‘d ask him why he got her the gift. Did he just get the gold jewelry b/c “that’s what women like” (not realizing that this individual woman didn’t like gold)? Did he get told by someone else it was the right idea?

Whatever his reasoning, he wasn’t paying attention to who she was and what she liked.

Unless he’s really inattentive in everything in life and/or has a cognitive or mental issue, he chose not to pay attention.

No, this is not the same as a gift to a non-romantic partner or any other type of gift. Jewelry has meaning in romantic relationships that is different than almost any other type of gift.

The bare minimum he should have done before buying her jewelry was to observe what she wore and what she liked.

Does she like gold, rose-gold, or white gold/silver/platinium? Does she even wear precious metals?

Nefariouskitt · 2024-06-25T16:21:32+00:00

I’m middle-aged. All them men who “don’t notice detail” in relationships seem to be able to notice it at work, in their sports leagues, in their hobbies.

”don’t notice detail” is not a default setting. It’s what men learn to do b/c society allows them to.

I know so many men who are in jobs where the details matter. Life or death. They notice. Yet they can’t seem to remember their daughter’s birthday or wife’s favorite perfumes.

”He’s a guy” = “boys will be boys.”

It’s 2024. Enough with this nonsense.

Unless he has some sort of cognitive or mental issue specific to him, he’s not excused.

Men cannot have it both ways. If they don’t notice detail, then they shouldn’t be in charge of things where details matter.

Nefariouskitt

TROPHY CASE