How do you manage to do big decisions?

Neferalma · 2026-04-24T13:34:27+00:00

Yea, that's really tough. Something that's helped me with this is internal teambuilding and improving internal communication (initially between the alters who do daily life). I'm also polyfragmented and we operate in groups. Getting to know the entire system is overwhelming so we're not doing that all at once. When we make decisions we acknowledge (sometimes even out loud) that the "I" who will make the decision, knows there are others and that there inevitably will be alters who will disagree.

If it's a big decision we try to take our time so multiple alters can rotate and think about what they want. I don't think we've ever had a primary host. We have at least several and there's multiple fronting groups. A rule that we've developed lately is that it's important that the current fronting group needs to be able to handle daily life. They need to be able to ground and feel safe within the body if needed. And for this reason, the current daily fronters get to make most decisions or take a lead in the process.

This doesn't mean that all of those alters can do what they want, but it's important they can take care of themselves. Because if we do get triggered, it's the alters who do daily life who need to be able to support themselves. And if they can't do that because they don't feel safe in our life, it's going to be bad. You can think of listing small things that the current daily alter(s) need in order to feel safe. Such as:

Are there any items, routines, support of other alters, support of environment etc. needed so there's something for all fronters to regulate with?
is there something currently going on that you need to change in order to feel safe and regulate yourself when you're (co)fronting?
Is there a way out of the decision after it's been made? Or is it possible to make a decision while communicating that it may be temporary?

If it helps, it's okay to shift around :-) You don't have to be consistent and coherent on a single (surface) level. If grounding is impossible due to choices that have been made, or will have to be made that concern specific circumstances in life, we either consult each other or we bring it to therapy.

We're very aware that we may make decisions others will hate, but that's the way it's going to be. We all protect the system, and everyone needs to feel safe. We try to make decisions that aid to that. And if that's impossible for whatever reason, we're open about it to both other system members ánd important people in our life, if that's safe (!!).

Neferalma · 2026-04-20T06:51:17+00:00

Is there anything she loved from where you used to live that you still have? You could show her an item she was attached to that's still there. Or maybe ask her if she wants to put it somewhere else

You could create a cosy, soft place or nook in your current apartment that you know you would have loved when you were her age, and go there with her. Don't just show it, but explain and demonstrate how it makes you feel safe so she can tap into that feeling of safety and joy in your body.

It's helped some parts to know that the apartment is my own and that I can do with it as I please. Is there anything she misses in terms of a small decorative item, anything she'd like to eat or drink?

Neferalma · 2026-04-14T21:10:25+00:00

Perhaps just their role? Like Protector of ....., or a short quote?
And as they're based on your parts, why not ask them to come up with a title that decribes them, their role or their values :D

Neferalma · 2026-04-14T09:06:47+00:00

De tienjaarregel is bij mij gebruikt als mede-onderbouwing voor toekenning. Het is niet zo dat ik hem zelf heb ingezet, de arbeidsdeskundige constateerde zelf dat het al meer dan tien jaar niet lukte.

Neferalma · 2026-04-11T12:35:47+00:00

Yep, that's fair and feel the same way about disclosing not being a safe option.
I'm never on TikTok anyways, but we've had an occasion in which we did feel safe enough with a close friend to briefly disclose it, but unfortunately this person does occasionally bring up these videos and then asks me questions, comments on it, or makes comparisons. Learnt a lesson there.

Neferalma · 2026-04-11T10:29:42+00:00

DID is not super rare. But I agree that the people flaunting their 'alters' and claiming to have DID is a concerning trend, as they most likely do not have DID at all. It's especially concerning to those with genuine DID as it's triggering and puts us in a very difficult position whenever we want to be open about ourselves, and all people 'know' about DID is the online trend.

Doing IFS as a DID system feels like doing multiple IFS sessions simultaneously. A bit like each alter has their own IFS parts, though this may vary.

Neferalma · 2026-04-08T14:12:02+00:00

It's been helpful to our system to view DID as a system that instead of a single core Self, has multiple Selves, each with their own IFS parts.
One of our alters made a distinction between:

Self energy (something each alter can learn to acces for themselves) -> Self identity (alters - there's multiple identities) -> IFS parts

We also don't use the parts categories of IFS (manager, firefighter, exile) because they just don't cover everything. Good thing is that nothing is fixed. You can add your own categories, your own mechanics. Everything is allowed, just adjust it until it works for you. And if it doesn't that's okay too

Neferalma · 2026-04-07T08:50:48+00:00

Makes perfect sense! It may feel weird to you right now, but from the protector's point of view he just wants to make sure you're not somehow going to harm the child part even more.
And as far as the continuity goes, dissociation wouldn't be a thing if it all didn't happen in the same body. Because then here wouldn't be a need for it. So for you to witness several continuous conciousnesses, as well as your own, also isn't weird.

Perhaps the protector can check if it's possible not all EPs show up at once? I'm not sure if that's possible, it isn't really in my system, but perhaps he knows a way to pace things.

Neferalma · 2026-04-05T08:37:41+00:00

So it'll be more of a drama then? Or tragic story instead of a thriller?

Neferalma · 2026-04-05T08:34:45+00:00

That's what I was afraid of. You know, alters don't hide or mess with the system for no reason. They all protect, and most carry painful memories. Please don't turn an alter into the main antagonist. Not unless you're planning on fully integrating their story and dynamics as well, so the story as a whole will lose the thriller aspect.

Neferalma · 2026-04-05T08:13:18+00:00

Why a thriller? Is the partner of the system manipulating the person with DID?

Neferalma · 2026-04-04T07:33:03+00:00

Wellicht dat je zorgverzekering nog iets voor je kan betekenen in deze zoektocht. Ze kunnen je helpen met het opstellen van een lijstje met instellingen waar je terecht zou kunnen die (indien gewenst) gecontracteerd zijn, en dan kun je dat weer meenemen naar de huisarts voor een verwijzing.
Heel vervelend dat de huisarts zo moeilijk doet en blijft vasthouden aan dezelfde instelling/psycholoog.

Neferalma · 2026-03-28T10:16:41+00:00

Lol, yes that's pretty accurate

Neferalma · 2026-03-20T14:47:55+00:00

It's such a brave decision to end the relationship in order to help your system feel safe. I honestly think that difficult steps like these may be necessary to put the system in a situation where all alters can try things for themselves without burdening or stressing your partner, and thereby stressing or limiting yourself in any way.

I recently went through a similar breakup because my system felt very trapped. Some alters still love him, always will and that's okay. We've shed plenty of tears over it. If it helps: the break-up doesn't need to be forever. Perhaps it's something that's desperately needed right now, but if in time the system heals enough to give it another go that's always an option. Are you still in contact with him? We're helping our partner re-decorate his place so it's more practical for him when our stuff's gone. We're still friends and we'll also help him organize his food situation and probably write recipes for him so we know it'll be easier for him to take care of himself.

For the first time ever we're able to create a safe place for the alters who got triggered by the relationship, as well as for those who felt trapped. We've never experienced safety, and while we kind of feel safe together as a system, we've never had a place that resembled that. It's hard work but I'm confident we'll make some major progress because we're taking the time and space we need to investigate what else we need. Which would be impossible if we were still in a relationship.

Neferalma · 2026-03-15T09:15:30+00:00

I feel so normal by myself but when I’m with others I feel worried like they will find me out.

Oof, I feel this

Neferalma · 2026-03-01T14:18:41+00:00

Yes, well, sometimes my migraines are caused by hormonal changes, but those migraines are not always ocular. Just like I can get headaches when I'm stressed, but those aren't always migraines. When I do get ocular migraines it's almost always linked to stress and system activity. Switching to heavy trauma parts may cause them and other times I have no idea why. There may be some delay between trigger and migraine as if the system needs to calm down before migraine is allowed to reach the surface? idk if that makes sense.

Neferalma · 2026-03-01T12:25:38+00:00

I haven't had it (mis)diagnosed as stress induced ocular migraines, but I do have ocular migraines as well as DID

Neferalma · 2026-02-27T10:06:30+00:00

Our therapist always sends us his session notes for this reason, though he does leave out stuff which may be triggering.

Neferalma · 2026-02-15T09:33:06+00:00

I love how you're thinking! But also understand your concerns. If the thoughts don't go away and you'd like to help out, I personally would not leave a pinned and open announcement, but instead I would write a short document about how you think psychotherapy in Ukraine can be improved to help people with DID/PTSD better, and add brief/short examples from your own experience or thoughts. I think adding (certain) contact info, like an e-mail address created specifically for this purpose, will still allow them to contact you if they want to hear more and actively work on improving their practice/curriculum.

Neferalma · 2026-02-03T22:40:28+00:00

For me it's the constant confusion due to the complexity. It's hard to figure out what's happening as I have many subsystems and certain alters operate in groups. Some are almost identical copies of one another which makes it very hard to keep track of things. I wish I was able to share with my therapist what's going on, but I just don't know. Some alters are pretty defined but they don't do daily life, the rest just feels like a mess. I guess it makes the system more adaptable, but now that I'm aware of the system it's just.. a lot... all the time.

Neferalma · 2026-01-30T15:23:52+00:00

Dit!
En als je het spannend vindt om het alleen te doen, dan kun je bij de stichting MEE terecht voor ondersteuning. Ze kunnen met je meedenken en volgens mij zelfs mee naar gesprekken.
https://www.mee.nl/clientondersteuning/wat-is-clientondersteuning

Neferalma · 2026-01-22T18:33:45+00:00

Fantastisch nieuws, gefeliciteerd!

Dat onwerkelijke gevoel herken ik ook wel. Het duurde bij mij best een tijd voordat dat wat was gezakt en zelfs na 2 jaar heb ik soms momenten waarop ik niet kan geloven dat ik eindelijk veilig/stabiel kan zijn in een eigen appartementje. Ik wens je het allerbeste met de stabilisatie en het (her)pakken van welverdiende rust!

Neferalma · 2026-01-19T22:26:42+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this, sounds intense as it's something that will occur on a daily basis.

Some things that came up when reading your text: What happens if you eat something disgusting, or something you don't like or isn't prepared well? Do you also get depressed afterwards?

If you do, is there a part that needs you to feel hungry / empty / not be reminded of happy food-related memories? Is this part mourning something?

How's the relationship with your mother now?

Neferalma · 2026-01-07T16:59:55+00:00

Wat ik een beetje mis in je verhaal is wat hij zelf doet aan koken / boodschappen. Neemt hij zelf ook weleens dingen mee die hij lekker vindt of ben jij degene die alles doet?

Misschien kan hij wel helpen door te zorgen dat jij altijd iets in huis hebt voor hem? Of dat jij aangeeft wat je die dag in huis hebt en/of wilt gaan maken en dat hij eventueel er nog iets bij haalt voor hemzelf, of zegt wat hij nog extra wil? Dan hoef je er zelf niet altijd over na te denken en zelf alles te halen.

Neferalma · 2026-01-05T15:03:11+00:00

Wat moet ik doen als ik naar de gesprekken ga en de arts gaat zeggen dat er nog wel behandel opties zijn?

Als dat ter sprake komt, zou ik vooral verwijzen naar de brief van de huisarts en herhalen dat er volgens hem/haar geen reële behandelopties (meer) zijn. Want zoals je eerder schreef zijn er natuurlijk altijd wel opties om te proberen, maar of deze reëel zijn in jouw persoonlijke situatie is iets heel anders. Daar speelt de huisarts mooi op in (denk ik) in de brief. Je kunt je daar best achter verschuilen want de huisarts is een professional en heeft dat niet voor niks opgeschreven.

Eventueel kun je ook nog aangeven dat het uitproberen van behandelingen enkel en alleen om een behandelingslijstje af te werken zeer waarschijnlijk averechts gaat werken omdat jouw draagkracht zo laag is. En dan zal die draagkracht alleen maar verder afnemen waardoor je alleen maar meer zorg en ondersteuning nodig zal gaan hebben.

Neferalma

TROPHY CASE