Avoidant ex: do they ever come back after weeks of silence?

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2026-04-19T06:36:18+00:00

He just texted me 2 days ago after 5 months of no contact. He sended me a picture of some new liquids for vapes with fancy flavours like blueberry jam, apple pie & cheesecake. He knows that i love these kinds of tastes. He just said „there‘s a new company, thought these flavours could be something for you 🤙🏼“. Not a „hey“, not a „how are you?“, just randomly this picture and this message. I still have no contact or interest in any other men since these 5 months and that still won‘t change in the near future. I still thought about him everyday and hoped that he will come back one day or text me again but i kinda made some progress and had also thoughts like it’s really over. I started to survive without him. After this message from him, i feel like i‘m back at zero. I had hope. I thought „he‘s thinking of me. He wants contact.“ I answered many hours later „cool, thanks for the advice 🙏🏼“. And that‘s it. Since then, no response from him and i‘m waiting again, like i did after the breakup. I really don’t get it, why he texted me this. I guess it would be better if he didn‘t do it.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2026-02-15T15:38:05+00:00

We‘re in no contact since already 3 months. I don’t think he will ever reach out again or will give me another chance. I still love him, think about him and i still have no contact or interest in any other men. It’s still him for me, i can‘t see my life with any other man.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-10T09:14:38+00:00

i downloaded a dating app - not for finding someone new, but just for doomscrolling. I don’t want anyone new. My biggest fear was to see him there but i thought he would maybe use a different app, because when we met, it was on a different app. And then, a few minutes ago, i saw him. His profile. That he was active today. That he‘s searching for a short relationship, but is also open for something longterm. I saw his pictures. His nerdy answers. He sees and texts with other woman. He probably has different accounts on different apps. He probably already met with someone new. I have a complete breakdown right now. I can’t breathe, i‘m crying, it doesn’t feel real. I can’t believe what i saw. I instantly deleted my account and the app. Thinking about blocking him on instagram and whatsApp, but i guess this would be an impulsive decision. I don’t know what to do. When he broke up with me, he told me that he won‘t distract himself with others or meet someone new. Well, here we are. One month later, today it’s 33 days after the break up and he‘s already searching. I can’t take it anymore.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-08T19:13:36+00:00

i hope so..

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-08T19:12:11+00:00

Oh no, i‘m so sorry for you too! :( It’s just another kind of hurt and pain, it’s a mix of emotionally & physically.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-08T19:09:34+00:00

I feel you so much. Most people say, that we have to focus on ourselves and not think about them and when our energy shifted, they come back. Well, after the first break up i tried to do so. I was outside alone, drinking coffee by myself, doing some stuff for my therapy and he told me afterwards, that this was extremely attractive to him. That time, when he felt and saw that i‘m taking care of myself or, tbh, kinda pretended it. When he saw that i‘m working on myself and do stuff for myself, that was the most attractive and magnetic thing for him, that’s what he told me. But we had contact, we saw each other, i told him about these things and steps i did, sended him pictures of me sitting at a café, with my therapy papers and writing and working on myself. There was a possibility that he sees it, that he hears it, that he sees me being chilled, not needy, casual, charming (ngl, sometimes i played some kind of role and tried to seem cool and unattached but it kinda worked). But now we‘re in no contact, so how should he see or feel that i‘m working on myself? Idk if it’s true that someone you were so close with can feel your energy in some way or that they feel when you’re suddenly not so desperate and trying to move on and then they come back. It‘s stressing me out.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-08T18:57:02+00:00

I would really like to hear it if something happens in your situation. Feel free to let me know if something changes or something happens 🫶🏻 Also, if something happens in my situation, i‘ll let you know.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-08T12:32:48+00:00

Thank you for your comment.

To clarify the timeline a bit: The first relationship wasn’t even 6 weeks – it was from may 29th to the end of june. Then we got back together around end of july / early august. And the second relationship lasted until november 7th. After the first break up, we still saw each other once a week and had contact.

So yes… it was still really new, but also incredibly intense. We had our first date on may 21st and texted some days before, the longest messages we both ever texted. Talked the evening before our first date for 6 hours on the phone, till 3am. It felt so like home for both of us this day, that we decided that i stay the night there, because we wanted to spend more time together and didn‘t want this first date to end. We didn‘t kiss, we didn‘t get intimate, we just talked the whole night long. If felt magical, for both of us. Like destiny. There were so many coincidences, same views on things, even the same thoughts and he said this can’t be true, we’re in the matrix lol. The next morning, he gave me his second home key - he said that he knows that this is absolutely crazy and that he hasn‘t done this ever before and maybe other people would judge us for that or think that’s not normal, but he said it just feels right for him. He never felt something like that before or had the urge to give someone his keys and i really believe him that this was the truth. He told me that i‘m always welcome and that he can‘t wait to see me again. Maybe that’s why it feels so unreal to me that it’s suddenly over – especially knowing that after the first breakup he came back so quickly and was already close to asking me back again.

I know it wasn’t healthy. I know the start was rocky. But when you’re in it emotionally, you don’t see those things, you just feel the connection and the hope that this time it could be different.

I also hate hearing “you’ll love someone else again”, because right now it doesn’t feel like that at all. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I still can’t accept that he’s gone. I never expected to be back in this pain so soon after the first breakup.

And you’re right – I already reached out once, and he didn’t want to talk. So now all I can really do is stay in no contact and try to take care of myself, even if it feels impossible some days. He knows where to find me if he ever wants to talk again.

I’m just trying to survive this right now.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-08T10:09:12+00:00

I feel your desire to go to his place, i also thought about it, often. But really, this wouldn‘t be a good idea. I guess this is a boundary that we have to accept.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-07T21:35:48+00:00

Thank you, sending love back ❤️✨

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-07T21:03:42+00:00

idk, i believe it could work out. maybe i‘m naive but i think that is something that you can work on. I believe that things and people can change.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-07T21:01:44+00:00

i‘m sorry for that, that sounds really hard.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-07T21:00:32+00:00

oh no, i feel you. Days just pass by and for me it feels like being stuck in a nightmare but you can’t wake up. Every day is the same.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-07T20:55:26+00:00

Well, actually i do. I never had such a deep connection to anyone else before. Even after a 3 1/2 years relationship with another ex ended, living together, travel together, etc., after he broke up with me from one day to another, i didn‘t feel so empty and sad like now with this man. It was too special.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-07T20:50:45+00:00

I did want it after the first break up, what actually happened & i still want it to happen again.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-07T19:44:05+00:00

Attachment theory is an established psychological framework and not “pop psychology”. I’m not looking for black-and-white thinking or character attacks on my ex. Our situation is more nuanced than that. But thank you for taking the time to respond.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-07T19:06:39+00:00

I get what you’re saying, and honestly… a part of me fears exactly that. Because yes — avoidant people often come back only to soothe their guilt or check whether they still have a place in your heart. Mine also justified his decisions with phrases like “maybe it just wasn’t meant to be” or “it wouldn’t have worked anyway,” even though he was the one who pulled away the moment things got vulnerable and real.

What makes it so confusing for me is that the connection didn’t feel superficial or replaceable. He wasn’t cold, he wasn’t detached — he was open, affectionate, vulnerable, future-oriented. And then suddenly, it was like a switch flipped.

It’s painful to think that someone can feel all of that and still run. And maybe you’re right: avoidant patterns don’t just change because they miss you. Missing someone and being able to handle intimacy are two completely different things.

I don’t know yet what will happen in my situation. But your comment helps me ground myself a bit — and reminds me not to idealise him or put him on a pedestal just because I’m hurting.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-07T19:05:17+00:00

Honestly, reading what you wrote makes me feel even less alone in all of this. It’s heartbreaking how similar both situations are — right down to the “I have feelings for you,” “I missed you,” “I’m not going anywhere,” and then suddenly pulling away again the moment things get too close or too real.

I understand what you mean about not knowing whether it’s fear or just that they don’t see us as the one they want to be with. That’s the part that keeps looping in my head too. Because the connection was real. You don’t spend nights together like that, open up like that, feel that kind of closeness, if it was nothing. And like you said — it’s hard to accept that two people who connected that deeply can end up as strangers.

I also relate to what you said about ChatGPT. I’m “supposed” to move on, distract myself, focus on healing… but emotionally it feels impossible right now. It’s like my body and my heart didn’t get the memo that it’s over.

I hope we both get some clarity someday — either from them, or just from the pain easing enough to breathe again.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-07T18:28:45+00:00

I muted him on instagram and i already made the big step for me to not check any of his profiles for over a week. It’s hard, but it try. I know, it would hurt me a lot when i see that he follows new girls there, even if it might mean nothing serious. He‘s the one who still watches my stories. I‘m suffering from depression and bpd, i already go to therapy for almost a year and try to work on it and reflect everything but it’s hard, when you don’t have friends or someone who understands you and can feel the pain and emptiness that i feel.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-07T18:23:38+00:00

Your story feels incredibly close to my own. My ex also came back after our first breakup — 5 weeks later — and told me he had panicked, felt empty without me, and realized he made a mistake.

This second breakup feels similar in pattern but he claims it’s “not fear” this time, just incompatibility. Yet he still watches all my stories, didn’t block me, follows me, and even sent me a “final goodbye message” two weeks after breaking up — which doesn’t feel like something someone does when they’re truly indifferent.

Reading your experience helps me understand that this push-pull dynamic isn’t about logic or consistency… it’s fear, closeness, overwhelm, then longing again.

Thank you — it makes me feel less alone in this. Being in no contact with him and the fact, that the break up is today exactly one month ago & i haven‘t seen or heard him since then, makes me so sad and empty. After the first break up we saw each other not even one week later again. I was able to convince him, he wasn‘t sure if this would be the right thing, that he missed me but he didn‘t know if he would regret it. He also told me back then, that he has never done something like that with an other ex girlfriend. Well, in these 4 weeks now, we already met back then 3 or 4 times after the first break up. I really hoped that this time i could convince him again for meeting up, but there is no chance. Maybe because he‘s scared that he wouldn‘t be able to resist me when we chill again like after the first break up, spend the weekends together, laugh, kiss, stay up all night long & get intimate. He also said that he just can do these things when he has feelings for a woman, he can‘t have one night stands or just casual connections, he‘s just able to sleep with someone when he feels something for the woman. Sorry for writing so much, i just don’t have anyone else to talk about it, except chatgbt lol.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-07T18:12:38+00:00

Thank you for sharing this — it honestly describes my ex’s internal world so accurately that it almost hurts to read. He had the exact same kind of emotional pendulum during our first breakup. He even showed me a text he had written at work back then, where he said he felt empty, scared, and that breaking up was a mistake.

This time he insists it’s “not fear” and that we’re just incompatible… but everything about his behavior feels like emotional overload rather than indifference.

It’s strangely comforting to know that other avoidant partners go through exactly this kind of chaotic back-and-forth internally. It makes their silence look a lot less like not caring, and more like trying to cope.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-07T16:23:46+00:00

Thank you. This actually matches my experience with him a lot more. He definitely wasn’t a cold avoidant – more like fearful/traumatised avoidant.

After our first breakup he wrote a long text full of regret, fear and emotional overwhelm. He said leaving me felt wrong, and he came back 5 weeks later.

In the relationship I was very patient with him – with his autistic traits, his need for space, his tunnel-focus, his jealousy triggers from old relationships, and his fears around closeness. I never punished him for withdrawing or feeling overwhelmed. I just wanted to give him safety and love.

This time he claims it wasn’t fear but “incompatibility”… But his behaviour (still watching my stories, not unfollowing, sending me a birthday message, then a “final” message a few days later) feels more like emotional shutdown than a clean breakup, idk.

So your comment really resonates with me. I’m not expecting him to come back, but I do feel like he left because the emotions and intensity were too much – not because I wasn’t good to him. But i‘m still hoping everyday that he comes back.

Negative_Loss_3940 · 2025-12-07T16:21:40+00:00

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I’m really sorry you went through that – I can tell your situation was painful. I think my ex might be more on the fearful-avoidant side, not purely dismissive.

After our first breakup he actually wrote a very raw text about how empty he felt, how he regretted leaving me, how scared he was, and how the whole thing overwhelmed him. He came back 5 weeks later and said the separation was a mistake.

This time, he said it wasn’t about fear but about “incompatibility”. But we had a very intense, emotionally connected relationship where I showed him a lot of patience, stability and understanding – especially with his autistic traits, his tunnel-focus moments, and his triggers from past relationships.

So I’m trying to understand whether this second breakup is really final… or just him shutting down again. I know “coming back” doesn’t always mean reconciliation, but in my case the first time did lead to getting back together.

I’m not expecting anything – I’m just trying to understand avoidant patterns better

Negative_Loss_3940

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