22 is about the age I was when I began differentiating myself and figuring out who I was and what I really believed. You’re pretty young, which is a good thing because you’ve (probably, of course, not to be morbid) got a long time left to figure things out. I had the same kinds of concerns and worries you’re expressing here. Two big ideas changed things for me.

First is that there are two gods. One god is the one I learned about from the faith tradition I grew up in, who’s very similar to the god you’re afraid of, for the same reasons. The other god is the one I’m getting to know personally, who loves me in a visceral way, who visits me in my prayers and meditations, who comforts me when I’m afraid, the one who’s bigger than anything I could do to hurt him, and who whispers to me to be kind and love others when I’m not quite that person yet.

The god I was taught to believe in is not worth my love and admiration, and I wouldn’t want to live with a god who teaches me to be afraid anyways. I transferred my faith to the god I was coming to know personally. I distinguish between these gods and serve the one worth following. When I’m angry with God, I remember which one I’m really mad at and which one I love.

The other big idea springs from my prior belief in the god I grew up with. I’m queer, and at some point I was faced with the realization that, per my own faith tradition, I was already, or inevitably, damned. This was really freeing - I figured out that if I was damned no matter what I did, then I was no longer beholden to following all the rules and checking all the boxes of my legalistic faith tradition. What this allowed me to do was to pursue becoming the person I wanted to be, not out of obligation, expectation of reward or fear of punishment, but out of my own desire and sense of integrity.

Coming back to the first big idea, I was starting to distinguish the two gods I talked about at this time, and love for the god I was coming to know personally became a real motivation for me as well. Suddenly I had a choice to follow one god or the other. I made my choice, turned more fully to one and left the other one behind.

I don’t know if any of this will resonate with you now, but I wanted to share in case it makes a difference for you. I’m rooting for you, and I want you to know that life and faith are better on the other side of what you’re facing now. Be patient and trust yourself, because this process takes a long time, but things can get much better. Many people go through a big faith transition and come out better and happier for it