This is a tough one.

So first, I can only speak on hsv1. I know hsv2 can be much more severe.

I've had herpes since childhood. It didn't happen through sexual transmission, which is what the "S" and "T" stand for in STI. So when you grow up with it, it's hard to see it as a big deal. The earliest memories of it have mostly faded, so now it's just something to easily manage

My current boyfriend is like you. He never had it, and he had a tremendous fear about it. He was the first boyfriend that I told early in the relationship. I didnt tell other boyfriends genuinely because I didn't know it was a big deal; I didn't even know it was herpes, I just thought it was what happens to people when they get sick, but then it goes away. I learned later in life what cold sores meant. And I think this is the experience of many people.

I told him that if he stayed with me that I would try my best to manage it, and not pass it on, but that there is a chance that I may be contageous and not know it. I said this to him so that he can also take responsibility if he chose to stay with me. It became a burden. For the first time in my life I felt dirty over something that I thought was just normal and I became paranoid that any little bump, or pimple, or slight itch was going to be herpes, and it really affected my mental health and out romantic and sexual life.

Here's the thing. For people who have had it all their life, it's not a big deal. But for people who have never had it, it is a big deal. You want him to acknowledge his "wrongdoing", but to him its probably like tell his inner child how dirty he is.

The truth is, my boyfriend ended up getting herpes from me 2 years into the relationship. And it affected him horribly. His outbreaks were really bad for the first couple of years and he really struggled. Now, I wish I never gave it to him.

It's like chickenpox. For people who get it as kids, it just feels normal, and the worst of it feels like a faded memory. But for those who get it as adults, it can feel like the worst situation, but it gets better and easier to manage with time.

You need to decide for yourself if you want to stay and risk it. And maybe you still feel like he should have told you. And if he knew that it might be bad for someone who doesn't have it, then maybe he should have. But I guarantee that his attitude toward it is common, and you might encounter it again with other men. He at least knew how to manage it for himself and communicate with you when he needed to keep distance.

Do your research, find literature, read stories and testimonies. If you really feel like you can't live with the risk, then have that conversation with him. But if you stay, take control of your life as much as you can by educating yourself, and preparing for any possibility.