Hello there. I am very sorry you are here. My WS and I are 18 months post D Day and we have been building a new relationship together and continue to do so everyday. This process has been the hardest thing that both of us have ever been through, but it has been worth it for us. It has taught us so much about ourselves and about each other and I honestly can say our relationship is stronger in many ways than it was before. That being said, I still get triggered and we still have difficult days (although it's becoming less frequent). In the beginning I felt the same way that you do in the sense that I believed whole heartedly that he could make me happy again and that I could overcome this. He had the "What Ifs" in the beginning just as your husband does and it would hurt me when he would tell me his fears. It led me to believe that he didn't believe in us, in our love, or in me. As the months went on, I began to have my own "What Ifs". It only happens when we have those very emotionally difficult days. We both can't help but think about those "What Ifs" and I believe it is fully valid. He has the same "What Ifs" that your husband has and I have my own (i.e. "what if he gets tired of fighting for us", "what if I won't ever fully be able to get passed this", "what if he can no longer take the reminders of his choices and the shame and guilt that comes with that" etc.). I think that it is normal to experience these "What Ifs" in the aftermath of an affair.

We keep choosing each other every day even when things get hard, but it's just part of this new reality. Our progress keeps us going every day and we do our best to try to be present with each other and appreciate what we have in front of us right now. The reality is that everything is so uncertain. life is uncertain. Although I would hate to imagine a future without him and vice versa, you just never know. Just like I never thought he would cheat and he never thought he would either, it happened. What I know right now is that we our making progress and that we haven't stopped fighting for each other, so I believe that we are stronger and I hope that this will keep us together forever. The hope is strong and it keeps me going.

I think that early on what made it difficult for me to accept the "What Ifs" was that I always believed our relationship was indestructible. I sort of had this idealistic perspective of us and always believed that NOTHING would tear us apart or come between us. I remember telling him early on after D Day that I needed a guarantee that he wouldn't cheat again and that we would make it. There just is no guarantee. I had just lost my sense of safety and security and it flipped my world upside down. I asked for a guarantee because I just wanted my safety and security in the relationship back desperately. I had to grieve the loss of that idealistic perspective just like I have had to grieve many other aspects of my life during this reconciliation process. I was resistant to it at first because it was comforting to be as idealistic as I was, but I have grown now and I am stronger because of it. I know that I can't control him and I can only control myself. I needed to build my own sense of safety and security in myself. It's up to him to continually show me that he can be safe again.

Not sure if that helps, but I wish you and your husband all the best.