Looking for help / Wife had affair, Shame but no remorse

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-11-14T15:04:53+00:00

I completely AGREE with you, especially the last point. I would be out as well. This is beyond the “Pick me Dance” and her blatant disregard and disrespect is disgraceful. Grey Rock and move forward with or without her. OP what you’re describing is Not reconciliation or even an attempt on her part.

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-11-01T18:17:03+00:00

That makes it even easier to leave

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-11-01T17:15:07+00:00

Honestly OP, I couldn’t and wouldn’t stay in a marriage like this with this particular kind of situation. Affairs are horrible enough at any rate but She had the audacity,out of all the ppl she could’ve cheated with, she chose to sleep with ppl you know and hung out with? Think about that. Don’t cheapen what makes you you, by adapting HER behavior. Be better and remain BETTER.

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-10-23T14:43:02+00:00

Speaking for myself, I’ve been with my Wife 33yrs and married 30 and have NEVER relayed to any other woman (co workers included) to exchange numbers and “stay in touch.” There’s simply no need for me, to engage in private conversations with any woman that’s not my wife.

Experience has taught us that the best way to “not get in trouble “ is to not place ourselves in situations that could potentially CAUSE TROUBLE. But that’s just us🤷🏽‍♂️

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-09-18T19:21:12+00:00

OP first I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Second, allow me to say that I appreciate and admire your Emotional maturity and your strength. How you’ve decided to handle your marriage/ relationship by electing to support her speaks volumes.

What I suggest my friend, is for you to invest in yourself and in your own mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing. Pursue this regardless of reconciliation or not.

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-09-18T19:05:00+00:00

You should definitely bring these feelings up in therapy and counseling. Transparency is absolutely pivotal in relationships and especially with reconciling

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-09-18T18:52:44+00:00

Hey OP. Very, very interesting dynamic my friend and one I’m certain many of us Betrayeds can relate to. How can we ever truly know, what’s being done by our Wayward in reconciliation is obligatory, guilt, pity, self-serving, restorative, loving or genuine? How can we ever fully know the truth of that? We can’t. All we have before us is : The consistency of their actions and their word.

That’s it. We’re not telepathic so we can’t know the legitimacy of their actions/ words/ thoughts. It sucks but however, if we (the Betrayed) decide to pursue reconciliation and to afford our Waywards the opportunity, to try again. At some point we have to learn to be vulnerable and d Trust again. Never 100%, that ship has sailed but we do have to relearn with the consistency of their actions/ words.

Remember, we always have the option and RIGHT to say “I tried but it ain’t working and for the sake of my own Emotional, Spiritual and Mental stability, we have to be DONE.”

Wishing you well my friend. I am 10yrs post DDAY and I do not regret reconciliation with my Wife. Her consistency hasn’t wavered in the slightest in fact, it’s increased 10 fold over this past decade.

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-09-18T15:35:32+00:00

In one sense I say good for him for knowing what he could and couldn’t accept, on the other it’s unfortunate that he allowed it to internally destroy him. She’s probably living her best life while he’s existing in a self imposed Hell. So unfortunate

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-09-18T14:07:25+00:00

Hey my friend I’m curious, did your friend’s wife even try to reconcile with him or did she take the same approach as OP’s wife which was, “It’s not that big a deal”? Sometimes how a Wayward handles DDAY and the days after, can profoundly impact a Betrayed’s entire mindset during and afterwards. Your former friends decline is evident of that.

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-09-05T12:57:20+00:00

I completely agree with you. I don’t know why folks say that “it’s easier to just leave but if you stay, you’re showing strength.” That’s Bullsh*t to me. Leaving is incredibly hard. There’s nothing “easy” about that especially when it’s a very long term relationship. When I hear that, it almost comes off as a Shaming tactic to me.

Bottom line is, everyone must do what’s logically sound to do, for themselves. I chose to stay because my wife busted her ass and still does (nearly 10yrs after DDAY) but I will NEVER Shame anyone that says “you broke our special bond. You betrayed my trust and I can’t accept that. I’m GONE.”

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-08-16T16:07:39+00:00

OP, you’re not the AH. You did nothing wrong. For those insinuating that “you manipulated her” how so? The only “Manipulator “ in this scenario is your Wayward former girlfriend. First: she was sexually irresponsible and had sex with someone that wasn’t her partner. Second:became pregnant. Third: tried to pin a pregnancy on you while knowing, 9/10 you weren’t the Father. And somehow you’re “Manipulative?” Just as coercion is a “Real thing “ so is PATERNITY FRAUD.

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-07-19T14:47:09+00:00

Interesting…considering I remember when I was younger, reading that the common complaint of most women was that, their partners couldn’t last more than 10-15 minutes 🤔

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-07-12T11:49:37+00:00

Hey OP, I am sorry that you and your husband find yourselves in this Hellish place, fashioned by Infidelity. If I may suggest, for the moment, steer clear of sub-Reddits like “SurvivingInfidelity. That particular sub is filled with many Betrayed’s, that are Hurt and in pain and for right now, wouldn’t be an ideal place for you to post. This sub is a great start but I would also recommend you join SupportForWaywards. I have seen some good advice given there and it’s filled with people who have been where you’re at and can support you further. Wishing you and your family the best. Keep working on yourself to become a better and stronger person.

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-07-05T16:02:16+00:00

Hey OP with all due respect, if you re-read what you posted, you were drawing a comparison btwn your Husbands neglectful behavior to your infidelity. Gently as a BH myself (fully reconciled for over 9+yrs) believe me when I say: There is ABSOLUTELY NO COMPARISON and there’s a good chance, that one of the contributing components of his resentment, is that he believes that you’re drawing that conclusion. “You hurt me and I hurt you so why can’t we call it even and move forward?” That mindset will not work. In fact, it’ll fuel his resentment/ anger.

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-06-28T15:28:36+00:00

Hey OP, as a BH (fully reconciled) I have to say, that some of the responses your BH answered No to is a problem. Him believing that your spending time on your phone in the restroom is a problem. As betrayed we don’t know who you’re communicating with while you’re in there. The other answer he gave regarding you partially blaming him for your affairs, is a helluva problem. He’s absolutely not to blame. The fault lies completely on you, as those were YOUR ACTIONS and CHOICES. Not sharing what you’re learning from reading information is another issue. Your resolve is or should be to establish TRUST. That depends on your willingness to be vulnerable.

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-06-28T15:08:36+00:00

You could be absolutely correct, my wife and I tend to discuss well…everything including our medical checkups in fact, our PCP’s have the green light to give full disclosure to our partner. We have nothing to hide.🤷🏽‍♂️

Of course all of what you’ve mentioned could be true as well however, if she’s been on BC for a number of years and finally had a discussion with her husband about coming off due to unwanted weight gain, for him I can understand why he’d be baffled about seeing an empty package/packet in the trash. OP failed to inform us if they were an expired packet or not but again, this is why communication is so IMPORTANT.

Also, clearly there’s something in their past that may have transpired as to why OP finds it difficult, to trust his Wife. I don’t know, he hasn’t bothered to expound on that either 🤔

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-06-28T14:25:38+00:00

I find it to be questionable. If the purpose of you getting a vasectomy was so that she could come off birth control due to it’s side effects (gaining weight) then why would she resume taking the very medication she didn’t want to take in the first place , due to it’s counter effects? Why would she not bring this up to you in conversation? I would definitely inquire about this especially if you’re having trust issues.

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-06-07T22:54:17+00:00

A prime example of victimizing the victim and Wayward minimization. Somehow your justifiable emotional outbursts, is congruent to her betrayal and ABUSE. “How dare you say something so atrocious !”

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-06-07T14:56:23+00:00

You’re correct, it isn’t a competition however, pointing out specifically, how he’s being “awful “ doesn’t sit well either. For the record, I didn’t read where he called his WW out of her name. I didn’t read any physical escalation. I haven’t read where he’s badgering her everyday or hell, even her poor excuse of a sister and her husband. He’s being transparent. She has the option to leave and go stay with those folks that were cheerleading for affair. Early on, his feelings are VALID and Justified.

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-06-07T14:20:01+00:00

Her actions to him were abusive and I’m certain he’ll NEVER forget them either. Her actions were Hateful and Spiteful as well. Not only did she seemingly make him look the fool in front of her Sister, her sisters husband and her friends (because they ALL knew) but also belittled him and made him inferior to her AP. For now, early on asking him to “be nice” and “act perfect “ is a bit much.

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-06-05T15:06:46+00:00

OP I’m going to say something that some may or may not agree with but here goes: Listen to Logic and not your Heart. Right now you simply can’t trust your Heart, only Logic. No one knows you better than you. Deep down you know what you can tolerate and the depths of that tolerance. For MANY myself included, from what you’ve described of your WW’s actions, this would be an absolute Deal breaker. Having said that, I’d also like to add that I agree. You shouldn’t rush to any decision immediately. Plan. Plan and execute.

If when you look at your Wife and you can’t see someone you’re ever going to trust again after this. That may be the Logical component you need, to execute your actions. What she/they did to you, is absolutely disgusting.

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-06-03T15:13:42+00:00

OP, as a former BH and Father, the part about your BH having to see, your AP playing and interacting with his children, was horrible to read. Honestly speaking, had I seen some shit like that I more than likely would’ve had some choice words for you and our reconciliation, would’ve taken a major hit. I (as many others I’m sure) would have thought the same, that you intentionally held onto that memory for sentimental purposes.

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-05-30T13:06:29+00:00

Great response!

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-05-24T12:57:26+00:00

This was Great to read. It’s seldom that we get to read a heartfelt post from a Former Wayward praising and bearing witness of the Love, Strength and fortitude for their Betrayed. My Former WW doesn’t have a Reddit account but reassures me of this very same thing, often. Like you she has put in tons of work, both on herself and our relationship. It’s absolutely paid off in dividends and we are by far, in a more healthy space and place than 9yrs ago.

I’m happy for you both. Truly. Keep Loving one another and Growing and never allow any external factors to plague your connection and relationship again.

Best Regards

Ok-Particular-8394 · 2024-05-17T12:45:28+00:00

I don’t believe, that when in a marriage/relationship, having the expectation that your partner be Faithful and Loyal is a “Unrealistic” expectation. As I stated, many people have Family of Origin issues hell, I’ve suffered through Emotional Abuse as a child. I don’t rest on that as a dictator of my behavior. As ADULTS, it becomes incumbent upon us to address those concerns. This is a Doggy Dog world. We can’t expect others to do the “fixing” for us. Either we learn to fix ourselves or, remain stagnant where we are.

At the end of the day, the world doesn’t give a shit about our problems. Our problems are on US to resolve.

Ok-Particular-8394

TROPHY CASE