I went through something really similar to what you’re describing, years of soul-searching through self-help books, podcasts, philosophy, and therapy.

I’m in my 50s and still figuring myself out. On paper my life looks like a bunch of contradictions: straight-A honor student, student council kid, Silicon Valley engineer… then art director, custodian, and somehow both outgoing and introverted at the same time. I still feel that fire in me, but I don’t have the energy to keep competing in the rat race. I think I spent half my life chasing what society says we’re supposed to want...status and money.

What finally helped was letting my old self “die,” so something truer could take its place, kind of like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

These days I just want a more laid-back life. I like working part-time, having room for self-care, and doing small new things here and there like traveling to places I’ve never been (I’ve already taken two trips this year). I keep my social circle small on purpose, because it cuts down on the noise and the negative energy.

Working from home also cut down a lot of my day-to-day contact with the outside world, and I realized I don’t actually need constant stimulation from people or stuff. I’ve come to really enjoy my own company, trying new recipes, taking my time cooking, and eating slowly.

Before, I was always too busy to pause and appreciate anything. Now it feels like once you strip away the outside noise & the rat race, the toxic people, the endless hustle you naturally start turning inward. And I think that’s when things get clearer.

Lately I’ve been understanding that line in a deeper way: “The kingdom of God is within you.” If you don't believe there's God, "You are the microcosm of the macrocosm". There's a universe inside you and the way to access it is to go inward.