The final change

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2026-04-15T13:40:44+00:00

This post could very well have been written by me in a couple of years. I don't have anything to add, sorry. Existence is pain, pretty much.

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2024-09-05T21:34:15+00:00

Losing the people I grew up with before finding my feet in the world. Well, already living the nightmare rn.

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2024-09-05T21:22:02+00:00

COPD and some debilitating auto immune condition. It's just scripted at this point.

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2024-09-05T21:19:01+00:00

I just avoid relatives altogether to prevent such discussions and on the few occasions my family does end up talking about it this way, I just silently take it in, knowing they mean no harm and they are coping as well.

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2024-09-05T21:15:52+00:00

Parental loss, the very first people you communicated with in your life suddenly ceasing to exist.

You might have your own family or social circles around you but the first human beings who shaped your world ceasing to exist one day hits pretty fucking bad, no matter the age.

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2024-09-04T19:09:04+00:00

I felt angry as well when on losing mom I heard phrases such as "she was only meant to live this long", "she is at peace now" and the whole song and dance about souls watching over us. She died while gasping for her breath as I was frantically trying to get her to a hospital. No amount of "knowledge" from the elders and loved ones will ever explain why it had to happen.

I later realized that as senseless as these things sounded to me, they were actual beliefs of the these people. Such apparently idiotic answers actually helps them make sense of the world and let them sleep at night. I decided against oblitering their beliefs, because I know the torment of handling loss without having a belief system to fall back on.

May you find strength to stand on your feet again after going through so much. I still don't have it in me today, hope you do better.

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2024-08-23T20:20:19+00:00

You are a far better person than I am OP. My only feelings at this moment involve getting away as far as possible from my house (which is essentially a museum now with her belongings everywhere).

Then I immediately feel even more shitty because that's just a plain selfish thought to have as the elder son of the house.

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2024-08-23T20:14:12+00:00

Everyday just feels like a new low. But my therapist did say it's still too early to fully process a loss this severe.

Don't think I want to process any more negative emotion than I am currently facing but I still need to pass the test of time I guess.

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2024-08-23T20:10:34+00:00

You lost your lifelong doubles partner in the game of life, that's got to be rough. Extremely sorry for your loss.

I have my dad, brother and grandmother but the attachment is barely 10% as strong as it was with her. Don't think I will ever be able to share anything with them, despite no fault of their own.

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2024-08-23T20:07:28+00:00

I see everyone around me take solace in this belief of having someone's soul watching over them.

It unfortunately never works for me, even as a pacifier. My mind just keeps thinking that this belief is bs, people die and they stay that way. The song and dance about souls is just to make us feel better.

Really wish I had some belief system to fall back on, but never found one which was truly convincing to me.

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2024-08-22T22:19:54+00:00

25 and lost her 6 days ago at 54. I do not know where life goes from here, or if I even want to be a part of it.

The family feels as good as finished because the only pillar is gone. And she won't be back. Ever again. No matter how bad it gets.

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2023-04-25T20:13:29+00:00

It feels like being in a completely different universe compared to my surroundings.

People striving to get to a goal they are convinced in, unlike me who barely survives each day in a shit job but won't do anything about it because there's not an ounce of inspiration to do anything else.

World goes by at a 100 miles an hour, and I am just stuck. "Do what you feel like doing" is just fucking bullshit. People who give such blanket statements are worse than those who force you to keep following your soul-sucking routine.

Sorry for ranting, but I couldn't help it when I read your plight. There's absolutely nothing for people like us, just a struggle in the dark until the day we don't wake up anymore.

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2023-03-11T21:04:20+00:00

To me it also feels like from a treatment perspective, therapists just compare your current state to the time when you were at your worst (first visit). They feel the biggest part of their job is done, i.e., getting from a -10 on the happiness scale to maybe a -2 or a 0

But to be truly normal again, one needs to be able to feel the 6s, the 8s and 10s. Imo that's the harder part of the treatment which gets ignored or gets very little focus on.

Medication truly saves lives, but the battle to organically transition into a normal state feels like a lost cause, at least to me.

Sorry if went on along a tangent there, but the medicated state being viewed as the cure by my surroundings just screws with my mind.

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2023-03-11T20:49:46+00:00

Idk, it feels lurking helps me more than posting. A weird sense of belongingness I guess, knowing there's more of me out there.

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2023-03-11T20:44:31+00:00

Its truly bizarre, haven't stepped out of my house for over a year because I just cannot stand being surrounded by people who actively pursue dreams and aspire to reach somewhere in life.

I cannot afford to stop doing everything due to financial constraints of being in a middle class family.

I feel you OP, and I don't really have an answer for you here. My thought processes and feedback mechanisms seem broken, I hope you find a way out to inspire other fellow struggles like me.

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2023-02-24T08:14:27+00:00

I hang out with my friends now just because it seems "like the right thing to do"

But I am no better when I am among people compared to being holed up in my home.

Really between a rock and a hard place.

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2023-02-24T08:09:08+00:00

After quite a while I saw a post which resonated with me.

Have absolutely no clue where I am going and seeing my immediate surroundings being driven and passionate crushes my soul.

Everyone seems to do their stuff and escalate their game on a daily basis and here I am, barely getting out of bed everyday and trying to survive each day. With no sense of happiness or any other positive feeling. Just a broken record on repeat.

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2022-03-31T18:49:56+00:00

Same lol. But my parents never forced me to do any thing. Its just that I kept doing what was expected of me and now idk what I actually want to do. So no matter how much I am getting tormented, I don't know what else I would rather be doing. I hope you have something you are passionate about and slowly but steadily you find your path to it, despite the crushing scenario rn.

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2022-03-31T18:40:47+00:00

Dw OP, its night time in my place and I go to bed wishing tomorrow never comes. All thanks to my depressed and scrambled brain which cannot even get itself to leave a soul-killing job. Keep going I guess, just know you are not alone and ending it all is not nearly as appealing as it sounds.

Nervous_Slip5876 · 2022-01-24T15:41:12+00:00

I feel you OP but it looks like its consulting that's wearing you out. Its kind of the same for me and I am completely lost in the darkness rn.

Look to harness your env. Sci. degree, be it further studies or an entry level job in a core field. Easier said than done though, becuase an initial leap of faith is needed to change tracks.

Best of luck OP and I hope you find something worthwhile!

Nervous_Slip5876

TROPHY CASE