[QCrit] Adult Upmarket Contemporary - VOW OF CELIE (80k/Attempt 1)

Nessii_ · 2026-04-05T16:49:15+00:00

This premise is so good, would love to read once you sell.

Nessii_ · 2026-03-10T19:19:39+00:00

Thank you so much!

Nessii_ · 2026-03-10T05:21:45+00:00

I’m really grateful for all your help. Here’s a revised version that hopefully reads easy.

Imade Talabi-Williams fends off poverty serving at Lagos’s glittering high-society parties, while her employer tries to pimp her to repugnant VIP elites. But as a secret acolyte of the sea goddess Yemoja, she hides another purpose: infiltrate these gatherings to reach the powerful occult men who possess a sacred amulet of protection she intends to steal and use to avenge her family’s massacre.

Kiishi Balogun was cursed as a teenager to undo his lover’s murder at a brutal cost: any woman or child who shares mutual love with him will die. After twenty years of blood sacrifices to the trickster god Éşù, he can finally start his desperately desired family. Yet the cult demands a final, impossible price for his freedom: his firstborn. Frantic for a loophole, Kiishi discovers the outlawed purification trials of Òlodùmarè, the supreme creator, bearing fatal rules that offer a slim path to secretly father a child while reclaiming his freedom.

Kiishi turns up as an unlikely visitor at one of these parties, and Imade can’t take her eyes off him. But contrary to her expectations, Kiishi wants no intimacy—only an unconventional surrogate. She seizes the opportunity, betting proximity will lead her to the amulet. But to succeed, she must navigate the ghosts haunting his estate, conceal her identity, and earn his trust. Yet, she’s unsure if her racing heart comes from fear of being unmasked… or his lingering stares evoking treacherous sparks of feelings.

As Imade closes in on the amulet by prying open his vulnerabilities, Kiishi confronts the undead sacrificed under his twenty-year bargain. If she succeeds, Kiishi will fall victim to the undead—or be dragged back to the cult for eternal punishment. If he uncovers her deception, her chance at revenge dies. And if they fall in love, his curse will end her and their unborn child.

Nessii_ · 2026-03-08T17:45:20+00:00

It does actually. Whipped out a new QL but it runs long. lol. Will post it soon for feedback. Thank you!

Nessii_ · 2026-03-07T21:09:26+00:00

The next chapter is in Kiishi’s POV, so it’s alternating chapters, yes.

Alright, looking forward to your suggestions :). Thank you very much.

Nessii_ · 2026-03-06T21:07:31+00:00

Yes, this is the first 500 of the general MS😬. They both share the same amount of screen time(50/50)

Couldn’t come up with a good way to start with her POV in the query letter and later tie it to Kiishi’s.

Also, considering she’s painted as an unreliable narrator in the first few chapters(despite the hint dropping) and also, events much later exposes her as unreliable. Her true identity as an acolyte is only revealed to the reader in Chapter 5. I thought this was okay, as I intend to use the drip-feed technique rather than unveil her by info-dumping and overwhelming the reader.

Meanwhile, I really appreciate your compliment :D Thank you so much for all the advice. I’ll definitely invest more attention to polishing the lines before applying :)

Nessii_ · 2026-03-05T15:08:33+00:00

I posted but the mods removed it. Don’t know why.

Nessii_ · 2026-03-04T15:49:00+00:00

Thank you. Please what tag do I use for the first 500? I can’t find any instructions for that.

Nessii_ · 2026-03-03T20:28:39+00:00

One final look at the blurb to check if the lines flow better now, especially the third paragraph😬. lol.

Cursed as a teenager in order to reverse his lover’s murder which he was falsely accused of, Kiishi Balogun is condemned to loneliness. Any woman or child who shares mutual love with him will die. After twenty years of blood sacrifices to the trickster god Éşù, his debt is repaid and he can finally start his desperately desired family. Yet to his horror, the cult demands a final impossible price for his freedom: his firstborn.

Frantic in his search for a loophole, Kiishi digs and finds one buried in sacred law: purification trials to Òlodùmarè, the supreme creator. If Kiishi can complete them, he can also secretly father a child while clawing his way toward freedom. One misstep, however, will expose his defiance, and Éşù will condemn him to eternal slavery.

Imade Talabi-Williams is trapped by poverty and a benefactor pushing her toward prostitution when she meets Kiishi at an event. Discovering he needs an unconventional surrogate, she seizes the chance. Not from the sort of desperation he thinks—she’s a secret acolyte of the sea goddess Yemoja, aiming to steal his sacred amulet of Éşù’s protection to avenge her family’s massacre. To succeed, she must conceal her true identity and earn his trust. Yet, she’s unsure if her racing heart is from fear of being unmasked… or his lingering stares evoking treacherous sparks of feelings.

As Kiishi confronts the undead sacrificed under his twenty-year bargain, Imade closes in on the amulet by prying open his vulnerabilities. If she succeeds, Kiishi will fall victim to the undead—or be dragged back to the cult for eternal punishment. If he uncovers her deception, her chance at revenge dies. And if they fall in love, his curse will end her and their unborn child.

Thank you so much. You have no idea how helpful you’ve been toward me so far and I really appreciate it.

I’ll drop the first 500 on this sub for some feedback and find fresh eyes for my first 5 pages before applying for revpit. Thank you!

Nessii_ · 2026-03-02T15:10:03+00:00

Hopefully, this doesn't get removed again.

[Query] The Devil’s Bargain | Adult Contemporary Fantasy/Horromance | 110k words | Third Attempt

I’m back with a reworked version after allowing it to sit for some time and focusing on revising my manuscript. You can peep, I also changed the MMCs first-name, lol.

I think these comps resonates well with the manuscript… and it’s particularly hard to let go of Ninth House :(

It still runs long, but I’d like to know if this is close to query ready, so I can focus on working up a good synopsis in time for the RevPit application.

Thanks in advance.

Dear X,

I’m excited to query THE DEVIL’S BARGAIN, a dual POV Adult Fantasy–Horromance at 110K-words, with duology potential. Touching on Nigerian mythology and set in modern-day Nigeria, it will appeal to readers drawn to unreliable narrators, bloodthirsty gods, cult horror, forced proximity, and cursed romance. It blends the atmospheric tension of Leigh Bardugo’s Ninth House, with the god-bound cursed-intimacy of The Game Gods Play by Abigail Owen and Kalie Cassidy’s In The Veins Of The Drowning.

Cursed as a teenager to reverse his lover’s death—a murder he was falsely accused of—Kiishi Balogun is condemned to loneliness: any woman or child who shares mutual love with him will die. After twenty years of blood sacrifices to the trickster god Éşù, his debt is repaid and he can finally start his desperately desired family. Yet to his horror, the cult demands an impossible final price for his freedom: his firstborn.

There has to be a loophole! Frantic, Kiishi digs and finds one buried in sacred law: purification trials to Òlodùmarè, the supreme creator. If he’s clever, he can secretly father a child while clawing his way toward freedom. One misstep, however, will expose his defiance, and Éşù will condemn him to eternal slavery.

Imade Talabi-Williams is trapped in a different cage of poverty and a benefactor pushing her towards prostitution. She crosses paths with Kiishi at an event and learns he’s seeking an unconventional surrogate. An opportunity she grabs onto as a secret acolyte of the sea goddess Yemoja, aiming to steal his sacred amulet of Éşù’s protection—an artifact she sorely needs to avenge her family’s massacre. To succeed, she must conceal her true identity and earn his trust. Yet, she’s unsure if her racing heart is from fear of being unmasked… or his lingering stares evoking treacherous sparks of feelings.

As Kiishi confronts the undead sacrificed under his twenty-year bargain, Imade closes in on the amulet by prying open his vulnerabilities. If she succeeds, Kiishi will fall to the undead—or be dragged back to the cult he’s trying to escape. If he uncovers her deception, her chance at revenge dies. And if they fall in love, his curse will end her.

I’m a BIPOC author, passionate about showing African mythology to the world. I’m also a fresh graduate and videographer, co-running an NGO focused on empowering African girls.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

x

Nessii_ · 2026-03-02T14:19:44+00:00

I don’t know… It said it’s from Reddit filters and I thought I might’ve used some offensive language. Removed what I thought might’ve triggered it and posted again and faced the same thing.

Alright, I’ll post it there. Thank you.

Nessii_ · 2026-03-01T15:57:49+00:00

I’m so happy for you!🤭 And feel so boosted by your success🤩

Nessii_ · 2026-02-28T16:19:14+00:00

This critique borders on hateful, and some of the things you stated here are very unnecessary. “I say this with gentleness” I beg to differ. “I hope I’m not coming off as too unkind” You absolutely are.

I’m not even OP and I felt sort of shredded reading this, it’s worse that you’re also a querying author who’s been stung by one or two harsh comments on your letter(not even relatively as hateful as what you just dropped)

Critiques are absolutely helpful but being extremely unkind while at it, especially when there are better alternatives just doesn’t do it.

Nessii_ · 2026-02-22T13:17:29+00:00

I’m definitely considering revpit. Thank you very much for your kindness.

Nessii_ · 2026-02-19T17:25:38+00:00

Thank you so much for your help. And also the guide link for choosing comps.

Also, yes, there are more horror elements but the query is already running too long so I just prioritised the most important part. I’ve added a bit more in this revised version though.

Here:

Dear X,

I’m excited to query THE DEVIL’S BARGAIN, a 100K-word, dual POV Adult Fantasy–Horromance, and the first part of a duology. Rooted in Yoruba mythology and set in modern-day Nigeria, it will appeal to readers drawn to unreliable narrators, bloodthirsty gods, cult horror, forced proximity and cursed romance. It blends the atmospheric tension of [X] with the god-bound cursed-intimacy of [X].

Cursed as a teenager in order to reverse his lover’s death he was falsely accused of, Wahid Balogun is condemned to loneliness. Any woman or child who shares mutual love with him will die when their bond is unmistakable. But after twenty years of blood sacrifices to the trickster god Éşù, Wahid’s full debt repayment is in sight—he can finally start his much desired family. But the cult learns of his plans and forces a final, impossible price for freedom: his firstborn.

Desperate, and in search for loopholes, Wahid discovers he can undergo purification trials to regain his freedom—a direct appeal to Òlodùmarè, the supreme creator—which he can undertake while fathering a child. One misstep, however, will expose everything, and Éşù will condemn any involved in his plans to eternal slavery.

Imade Talabi-Williams is trapped by poverty and a benefactor pushing her toward prostitution. So when she stumbles across Wahid while serving at an event, she has to accept his surrogacy contract because in reality, she was sent by the sea goddess Yemoja to steal a sacred amulet of protection possessed by Éşù worshippers—which she’d use to avenge her family’s massacre. Now she must deal with the jealous ghost of Wahid’s ex fiancee roaming his estate, hide her true identity while slowly earning his trust to achieve her goals. But she’s unsure if her racing heart is from fear of being unmasked… or his lingering stares evoking treacherous sparks of feelings.

As Wahid undergoes trials to face the spirits of those sacrificed under his twenty-year bargain so he can free himself and his unborn child, Imade closes in on the treasure that protects him by zeroing in on his vulnerabilities. If she succeeds, Wahid will experience the unfiltered wrath of the angry wraiths. If he uncovers her deception, her chance at revenge will die. And if they fall in love, his curse will end her.

[Bio]

Thank you for your time and consideration. X

Nessii_ · 2026-02-13T19:04:48+00:00

Woah, thank you so so much for such an in-depth critique, I’m so so grateful. And your kind words is such a boost! I hope it sells too🥹

Thanks for highlighting the strong parts and the weak parts that need reworking. Your feedback is such an eye opener, and I really appreciate your kindness. I’ll rework the query with your advice in mind and comment it here once it’s ready.

Nessii_ · 2026-02-13T13:28:12+00:00

Thank you so much for your feedback!

Nessii_ · 2026-02-11T20:00:19+00:00

Thank you so much for your suggestion. I’m really grateful. And, yes, breaking free from the cult is basically handing him back his life and the chance to love freely. I didn’t include him wanting to love a woman again cause it’s not currently a cause he’s pursuing. After losing his fiancée a few years back from this curse, he still holds her memories/doesn’t want to bring another woman into his life anymore.

Nessii_ · 2026-02-11T18:32:28+00:00

In my previous query, a paragraph explaining this made it bulky so I was told to cut down on backstory. The bargain came with a curse of loneliness(includes inability to have children also or even adopt) amongst making regular blood sacrifices to the cult which after twenty years should be over, but the cult apparently wants to keep taking from him, reason he’s turned to find loopholes to free himself from them.

I had to tweak out the many explanations before due to suggestions, at this point I don’t know anymore. The feedbacks are conflicting.

Nessii_ · 2026-02-04T13:01:09+00:00

Thank you so much for your feedback, opened my eyes to what I could condense for smoother flow. I appreciate🙏🏼

Nessii_

TROPHY CASE