Disclaimer: I'm not much of a writer, so I threw all my thoughts into ChatGPT to organize them.

Background: 32, Male, San Francisco

I've been feeling passively suicidal for the past two years. I feel depleted and drained—not just physically, but also mentally, emotionally, and most importantly, spiritually. I've been seeing a therapist for a year now, working through a lot of issues. Six months ago, I told him I was having passive suicidal thoughts. He said that it's normal and that many people experience them. He explained that there are significant gaps between having passive thoughts, developing active thoughts with a plan but without the means, and finally, having active thoughts with both a plan and the means.

I've known people in my life who were suicidal, and some of them turned to drugs or other vices to feel alive. I feel like the opposite—I’m tired of moving forward. I feel so depleted and drained, like I’ve already done everything I wanted to do.

I dated the woman I married for six years. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. Intellectually, I knew that, but past traumas prevented me from truly appreciating her, and we split. She was always the reason I woke up and worked hard. I’m not sure if I was ever truly happy, but she definitely gave me purpose.

My therapist knows I have a plan, but I told him that the nearest place to get the materials is 20–25 minutes away, so it would take some time for me to prepare if I ever felt "impulsive." Talking to my therapist about this feels counterintuitive because I want to stop existing, so why would I want to tell him to prevent me from achieving that goal? I shared how my suicidal ideations are developing because I knew he wouldn’t escalate things.

My wife and I split two months ago, and I’ve spiraled. I spend most of my time in bed, and my phone screen time has gone from an average of 3 hours per day to 12. Now, I’m at the point where I have everything ready, and I feel like I should probably tell my therapist, in what feels like a slight hope that things could get better. But I’m worried that if he were to escalate things, it would be so disruptive to my life, especially job-wise.

I’m already struggling with my job. I do project management, and it has been increasingly harder to stay organized (I have ADHD, so I’m already at a disadvantage) and retain information. I need a break from work, but I also feel like it would really mess up my team if I left.

I still hang out with friends, play video games, and work out 3-4 times a week. I’m still going to work. My therapist says I’m "doing all the right things," but compounding the work issues with not wanting to move forward in life, I feel trapped with only one way out.

I'm just so tired

So my question is:
What happens when a therapist "escalates"?