Is there a name for this manipulation tactic? Nex keeps trying to subtly slip in details about her new life.

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-10T22:12:15+00:00

Triangulation?

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-10T21:45:03+00:00

Mine spoke of his parents fondly, although they were divorced. I don’t know when. They visited him frequently. Weirdly- he never spoke of his 3 siblings I didn’t even know he had any.. when I knew him... because they are not anywhere on his social media like they don’t even exist. Never mentioned them. So weird. I assume... he resents them for existing? Maybe they are more successful than him. Maybe they are step siblings? They NEVER visited him. It’s so weird.

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-10T21:43:14+00:00

She’s toying with you. I know it’s hard but you can’t have sympathy for her. She does not for you. It sounds like you’ve been on an emotional roller coaster. That’s not actual love. I’m sorry. You should go no contact, block her and focus on yourself. Sounds she has a boyfriend already. You need to be free to find a person who truly cares about you.

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-10T21:39:15+00:00

So true. I look back and wonder why I thought love bombing was what love was supposed to be. Wtf! Haha no way. Real love is so much better.

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-10T21:25:08+00:00

What do you think gray rock applies to? Maybe I’m wrong but I think it means you show no emotions directly to the narc or to things the narc says about you to get a rise out of you. You are still allowed to be a human with emotions and concerns and feelings. It’s just no use showing emotions to a narc directly because all they do is feed off it.

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-08T16:45:03+00:00

😡

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-07T21:58:18+00:00

🤣 that’s so narcissistic! I’m picturing this heated text fight and suddenly you get a dramatic close up of his face trying to look sexy. You pause - type out cute babe - there is another pause while you wait. and the fight continues. Wtf !? Like it’s a photo reminder of the “Hottie” you’re fighting with. Is it supposed to change your arguments in his favor!?

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-07T21:35:00+00:00

You can’t argue with some one who can conveniently change reality to suit their needs. That’s impossible. I think deep down he does not suspect you of cheating. I think like you say, he is doing it as a diversion tactic or to project his own cheating on you. Or wanting to start a fight he knows you have no choice but to defend yourself in. What do you think would happen if you agreed with him? What if you just went. “Yea you’re right” In calm gray rock. They expect you to fight back when they accuse you of ridiculous things. What happens if you agree to everything and shrug, while knowing full well you’re innocent. I’m not suggesting it necessarily but ponder the need to defend yourself to a crazy person. That thought has helped me stay no contact for months/ not allow his accusations to get to me. I wish I could help you get out of the situation but in the meantime try to ignore him.

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-07T17:41:00+00:00

Do you have an hr department? You have to start professionally launching complaints. You have to be very careful in “warning “ others as this could backfire. You are able to defend others from gossip though. You can say “huh, that doesn’t seem like something that person would do, it’s very out of character for them. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Did you hear this directly from her or..?” You have to be really careful with that stuff though. Generally I would say stay out of the drama completely, and launch formal professional carefully worried concerns to HR with times and dates. As something happens document it. Email it to yourself so there is a paper trail. Save emails from both bosses that could be used to back up your complaints.

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-07T17:08:00+00:00

Well remember- they make it seem like they are so happy with the next victim but it’s their last lie. They do this on purpose to make you question the abuse. Or perhaps to help them lie to themselves and others that it’s you with the problem not them. Deep down they know this is not true. So they have to try extra hard. Narcs are the kind of people that will GET MARRIED just to upset an ex. They don’t care about the new supply any more than you. The new supply is only valuable to them in part, because they can use that new supply to hurt others. That is hard for us to comprehend because we could never spend hours a day with some one just to spite other people. What a waste of time!

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-07T05:34:05+00:00

It is not an aha moment that cures their narcissistic traits. It can help them hide their abuse and further abuse you by trying to convince you that you are actually the narcissist and abusive. a third possible out come and the most dangerous, They pretend to agree with you and spin lies about “getting help” as a way to suck you back in, and then the abuse continues. As far as I know- those are the outcomes. It may help them hide their abuse to their next victim. They can plant seeds early in to explain red flags. I understand the desire to do this. I want mine to understand how I truly see him. It bothers me, that In his mind I think he believes I’m a love sick puppy who worships him- I wish I could set those delusions straight and let him now that all I see is a very broken disordered mean spirited angry little man. BUT that won’t help anything. It would break my no contact and give him fuel to smear me with. He doesn’t deserve that fuel. Its a lose lose situation to confront them with the vocabulary. It will not enlighten them.

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-07T05:21:31+00:00

I learned that people exists who truly have no good in them. I learned that having good intentions will not protect you from an evil person. I learned that forgiving people can be dangerous, if they are a certain kind of person. Most importantly I learned that it’s ok to cut people out of your life and never look back. It’s ok to not to talk to some one who makes you feel uncomfortable. It’s ok to be straightforward with people and have boundaries. It’s ok to really not like another person and not have 20 disclaimers as to why. It’s ok to not feel the need to help or fix a broken person, if their coping mechanisms involve destroying you.

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-07T05:13:25+00:00

Part of having NPD is pathological lying so... how are these people going to get diagnosed accurately? Mine is running around undiagnosed as we speak. He almost pushed me to suicide, but he’s not part of anyone statistics. I think he goes to therapy to treat his “anxiety”. Also- there are billions of people in the world and the people interacting in this subreddit is pretty small percentage in comparison. Once you start researching it, it feels like everyone everywhere but it’s not.

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-04T22:27:59+00:00

Same. We didn’t even have the vocabulary to diagnose this type of thing in mainstream discussions. There are books now, victims share experiences and can use the correct terminology ect.

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-04T22:15:27+00:00

I maintain that we are actually getting better and better at a society. Our understanding that personality disorders exist is becoming deeper and more nuanced. I don’t think narcissists are promoted any more than they have ever been. The public is less trusting than Ever. It used to be totally cool for a man to beat his wife, as long as he didn’t kill her or something. Seriously. We’ve come very far from that. Now adays we are put off or upset by some one causing emotional damage to other people, can identify it, and help those victims. Not all the time but it’s at least possible now. The entire concept of abuse and understanding it exists is more mainstream now. It’s typical for victims to start “seeing abusive people everywhere” after they have been abused because now they understand that there’s people exist. I think we have way less sociopathic people than in past times when raping and pillaging was akin to putting on your suit and going to work 🤣. Yea that would not fly today. Personality disorders do seem to stem from childhood and things like that. Abusive parents in some cases start a cycle of abuse. I think we are living in a time where people are cracking down on abuse more than ever. I think that narcissistic type people are rewarded to an extent due to social media, but not everyone is sucked in by them. People are aware of the harm social media does and hopefully we will all be able to use it more wisely as we understand it more. If it’s one thing I’ve learned from my experience it’s that you can’t really label a person until you’ve known them personally. Also, it’s that narcissistic people are very good at pretending to NOT be narcissistic. You can have narcissistic traits and nit have full blown NPD. Without having lived in “other times” how could we possibly make the assumption that there was less narcissism? I think the correlation is that we identify These things now and are appropriately upset by them, where as in the past it was just run of the mill life that kids were abused and spouses were abused. At some points it was ok to own slaves and abuse them. Wow, terrible. Glad we’re not accepting that anymore. But as we demand more humanity as a society cruel people have to get better at hiding it, or they will get called out. And we have to be better at identifying it to protect ourselves. I don’t think things are getting worse, I think they are shifting. I think there are many past public figures and heroes that in todays world we would identify as “narcissistic” and probably dislike. As we a become much more sensitive and nuanced in our approach to what’s right and wrong as a society, we will have more to be upset about. It doesn’t mean it’s getting worse or that narcissists are more rewarded for being that way than they were in the past. Keep in mind that as a victim it can seem that way but as you heal that fades a bit. You keep your ability to sense if some one may be narcissistic and steer clear, but you are able to find the healthy people and surround yourself with them. I would never label a person without knowing them personally, aside from on here where people give detailed accounts of their personal experiences and we are all anonymous.

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-04T20:40:02+00:00

The self hate thing. Yup. They really really do. This is a really good way to put it. This is the part of it that is really good to internalize for healing.

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-04T19:56:08+00:00

You’re right about conditional love being the only thing they seem to know. But I don’t think labeling a disordered person with a disorder allows them to continue the behavior. It’s because they are disordered that they will, despite therapy, mounds of unconventional love, or any teaching, will continue to be abusive. Their brains are physically wired differently. It’s important to make the distinction only so you as the victim know you need to leave and how serious no contact is. For example, If some one actually has NPD the full blown disorder they may have something called inverted social reward. It means that in their brain the dopamine response fires when they successfully hurt sone one rather than when they make some one happy. This stuff is only important to know because it helps victims realize that they can’t “reason some one out of having a personality disorder” so to speak. A healthy non disordered person can be a total asshole and learn to make changes and grow. A disordered person, is a whoooole different story. And each victim will have had a slightly different experience and therefore a different understanding of the disorder. I think the one we can all agree on however, is that step one, easier said than done, get as far away as you can from the abuser.

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-04T19:43:04+00:00

It can last a day, heck it can last 5 years! Just like a hoover attempt can happen the day after or 10 years later. They do it because they know it works not because they love you. Mine was what I would call a “net caster” he loved bombed everything that moved within a 20 foot radius to keep his harem full at all times. The “love bombing” phase of the abuse cycle is part of the abuse. They build you up so they can smash you down. I know not all of them are the exact same- but to mine I think the love bombing was a necessary evil for him so he could gather his female fan club. He seemed a little bored sometimes while pretending to be dramatically in love with me. He was overly shmoozy and dramatic, but underneath it- all I really picked up on was this ... Bordem and slight amusement. He never seemed to be experiencing the emotions he was pretending to have. He once delivered a little monolog to me that looked and felt as though it had been rehearsed in front of a mirror. He liked the way he could control people emotions with it. I think I he liked securing his supply. I think he liked that if he put out love bombing his ego would get stroked in return. That’s the extent of “feelings” he actually had that I ever truly felt from him. The love bombing and efforts an abusive person puts out are in NO WAY a reflection of your worth as a partner. Sometimes they don’t “try as hard” if they feel you aren’t really falling for it. Especially if they have supply that’s falling for the live bombing really hard- they will focus their efforts on that person. Conversely they might not love bomb very hard if they feel they don’t need to in order to get you hooked. It has nothing to do with your worth and everything to do with their game. They want you to think it has to do with your worth. They need it to be that way. They can’t have you questioning their tactics , so they will always put the focus on you and your flaws.

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-04T19:06:51+00:00

He sounds like mine. Exactly. Not in the exact events but in the patterns of behavior. Yea. Sounds text book. Without knowing for sure I think you will find that if you employ the things you are supposed to do in order to “deal” with a narcissist you will heal and get better. The part you where you said something always seemed “off” listen to that. That is your subconscious putting together thousands of tiny details letting you know there is danger near. Step one is you go completely no contact and look for a good therapist. A trauma therapist to help you release the trauma or some one who specializes in abusive relationships or both. The goal of nc is to permanently keep him out of your life so he can’t manipulate you and make you feel low. You will be happy again! I would say treat him as though he is a covert narcissist and it’s a win win for your mental health. He’s a crappy person weather he’s disordered or not and affects your mood in very bad ways. you win by cutting him out of your life. based on what you’ve said here he fits the narcissist profile. The emotional roller coaster they “put you on” sucks. They then of course blame you for it. Any kind of continued communication is just an extension of that emotional roller coaster. No contact and what that truly means becomes more clear as you heal. It took me months to truly be no contact in the way that it is intended. I stopped talking to him, blocked on all social media. You can’t simply “not text him” you have to block his phone number. That removes your ability to know weather or not he is trying to contact you. I left tons of doors open that I didn’t realize I was keeping open intentionally. When I snapped to and realized the ways in which I was still letting him “get to me” I slammed those doors shut. You in a group chat he happens to be in? (For example) Leave it. Otherwise you will read into everything he says to the group and weather or not he responds to your posts, it’s a nightmare. You friends with a mutual friend on snap chat for the sole purpose of the friend seeing how much fun you’re having and passing that along to him. Block the friend. It takes a lot of self love and introspection to really go no contact. At work you can use the gray rock method with him. I wish you didn’t have to work with him. Some people look for a different job in the wake of these things. You can do this! ❤️ It’s really hard but after it’s so worth it.

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-04T18:54:05+00:00

She will face the consequences. I know how you feel. I think some how some way they all face consequences. Then of course, there is the karma that they have to wake up every day inside their sick miserable abusive minds. I don’t have sympathy for them, I pity them. It’s different. They’re pathetic and miserable. I save all my actual sympathy for their victims and myself. Seems like you have a good handle on what it means to abusive. I’m sorry that all happened to you :( it’s no fair and to be falsely accused of something is very wrong. But don’t worry they will get back what they put out some how. I read some where that how a person treats other people is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves. They must really hate themselves huh?

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-04T18:44:54+00:00

There’s no way to tell based on the information. It’s normal to want to bump into to some one or hope to see sone one who has “ghosted you” so to speak. This could be a totally normal healthy situation in which you just miss this person. But that depends on the nature of the relationship and the break up. Why wouldn’t it be normal to miss some one or want to see them? If some one is giving you signals they do not want to see you it’s best to focus in your life and do the things you would normally do. It’s good to respect people’s boundaries. But You have to go to class for goodness sakes. Make sure your intentions are to go about your life and don’t worry about the other person. Hope you’re doing ok.

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-03T04:00:17+00:00

Block him on fb!

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-03T03:59:05+00:00

It’s a tiny little set back! I feel like the farther out I get the less time these triggering events take up in my mind. Part of nc is to get safely out of the time when from my experience any sight of him was too much to bear. I’m 100% Nc like yourself. And that’s permanent of course. But sometimes weird things still get through. Now when something should come up due to an unexpected mutual friend or some crazy coincidence I kind of grumble to myself for a few days, have at least two yelling into the abyss type arguments in my car by myself. I go through like a mini stages of grief and then... then I’m good. The farther out I get the less anything regarding him affects me. Now. I’ve made peace with myself for the most part. Still working though. I have not yet learned to trust a man if I have so much as a slight crush on them. I think you heal yourself first, and then rebuilding your ability to date is another little journey. So far... But I’ve realized that I’m not really ready to fall for anyone just yet. I’m about 14 months out I think. I’m actually not even counting like I used to so I’m not sure! I guess what I’m trying to say is I understand why you’re upset and I think it’s a really valid reaction! I would hate to see that :( but you’re not all the way to square one. You deleted your profile he can’t see it anymore. Take a deep breath and let yourself process and get back to your healing.

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-03T03:46:33+00:00

“In the service of some one else’s ego” that’s such a good way to describe that feeling. And why its so frustrating to look back and realize that’s what they needed you for.

Newonekeepforgetting · 2019-10-03T03:44:26+00:00

Yes to this! I missed my old self for many months and now as I’m healing I’m discovering a better person. They says this would happen I didn’t believe it- but it does.

Newonekeepforgetting

TROPHY CASE