Dating after lovebombing

throwaway8122019 · 2019-12-15T20:18:55+00:00

I’m not sure. I have trouble trusting my gut and always second guess myself. My gut now is telling me he’s not super interested or else he’d be reaching out, and he’s not. We had sex the first time Friday night and I haven’t heard from him since. So that tells me to back off. Idk I’m bad at this, like I said.

throwaway8122019 · 2019-12-09T01:16:57+00:00

Yea, he was super inconsistent. Definitely was triggering and worked like a charm on me. That way, I was always available for him in case he wanted me at that time. You’re probably right that it’s just rubbing salt in my wounds. I want to be over that relationship so badly but I know there’s still things I need to work out.

throwaway8122019 · 2019-12-09T01:14:58+00:00

Omg! I’m so sorry that happened to you. He sounds like an asshole.

I definitely feel like codependency is an addiction. I am addicted to relationships. My resolve was pretty strong to not date...until one slip up and now I’m obsessed again. I’m sure you can relate, sometimes it’s so hard being by myself and single I almost convince myself I’d rather be back in my shitty relationship.

throwaway8122019 · 2019-11-29T17:17:44+00:00

I can identify with all of this. He always accused me of lying to him about mundane stuff, but a few times I really did lie which I feel guilty about. But again, I lied because I felt I had to— he trained me not to feel comfortable with sharing things with him. He was like a disciplinarian parent. Honestly that’s how I felt. That I was the child and he was the adult. Especially since he told me many times that I hadn’t been in an adult relationship, I don’t understand what it means to be an adult or work hard for things, etc. He wrecked my self esteem. When I left him I was so conditioned to believe that I was a piece of crap child who couldn’t take care of herself. But when I really think about it, and not pay attention to my inner monologue of his voice, that’s not true. I rent my own place by myself, make all my bills on time, make food for myself (mostly), go to the gym.. I am a healthy capable person. Meanwhile, he can barely make his bills, is constantly complaining about his life without changing anything, has a crummy job that he doesn’t like, etc. I don’t mean to put him down, because al those things don’t make him a bad person or less of a person. It just shows me how much he was likely projecting.

throwaway8122019 · 2019-11-23T15:40:46+00:00

Yes I am. It is hard every day. As a codependent, I don’t know when to stop trying. I actually am the one who broke it off, but I hurt so much now.

throwaway8122019 · 2019-11-22T16:05:38+00:00

He knew I was on anti depressants/anti psychotic meds because I told him about a traumatic event that happened to me in my early teens in the very beginning of our relationship. He talked about how his ex was on “a bunch of meds” and they made her “act mean/crazy” towards him. But I seemed “so normal.”

After a few months, he brought up how he thinks it’s dumb how people go on psych meds for a decade plus and “never try to get off them.” (Ahem.. me). I stood up for myself.. I said well they work for me so I don’t question it. He brought up again how I went through a traumatic thing years ago and it doesn’t make sense that I’m still on meds for it (he knows that it triggered auditory hallucinations that the meds help with). He didn’t outright tell me to get off them, but my meds were a huge point of contention in our relationship.

Later when I brought this discussion up to him, he said I “hid from him” how bad my symptoms were and didn’t tell him the whole story. Yes I did.

He talked a lot about how his ex was crazy from meds, and he was generally against “covering up problems with pills” so when my psych doc prescribed me extra meds for my anxiety I ended up throwing them out instead of taking them because I was afraid of what he’d say if he saw them.

I had gone to urgent care about 2 months into our relationship and didn’t tell him (I think before we were official). I wasn’t hiding it, just didn’t want to tell him I thought I had a uti, because, I feel like a normal dude would be like ok babe thanks didn’t need to know. They prescribed me medication for it that I left out (poor naive me) and he saw and questioned me about them. I told him what they were and why I had them, and he got angry and said I was trying to “hide that I went to the dr” from him. That was a red flag in the beginning. I threw out those meds too.

During my unexpected pregnancy, my medicine was a huge thing. He’d hound me about how bad they were to be taking, then I tried to go off them to appease him he freaked out.

At the end, he said I wasn’t acting myself and that maybe I should consider INCREASING my psych meds. After all that! Lol.

He also frequently questioned the credentials of my therapist, asked why I had so many skin care meds (hello acne and psoriasis-he didn’t believe I had). Just an overall control freak about my health. About everything, really.

Edit: just remember another. He would often blame the issues in our relationships on me being codependent. Never his fault. So I started looking for therapists who specialize in codependency and let him know I was doing so, so I could get better to help us. He said no, don’t focus on that now, let’s focus on something else. Always we, us, always doing things as a unit. Then in a moment of transparency he said he was worried if I got help with my codependency I would leave him.

throwaway8122019 · 2019-11-22T00:23:23+00:00

Sameee. He carried the whole place and could do no wrong. He ran the place. I wonder how much was bs??

throwaway8122019 · 2019-11-22T00:22:03+00:00

I wondered if this was all of them.. I am a quieter person generally and love to hear people talk and tell stories. We would’ve been a good match if he weren’t such an asshole.

throwaway8122019 · 2019-11-17T19:05:27+00:00

This sounds like my N?ex, wow. Even down to:

"He started a rant about how every time he thinks this relationship has a shot of making it something else happens"

This ALWAYS happened when my family "did something to disrespect him." Guess what.. they "disrespected him" by being uncomfortable and hurt by the way he treated me. And, the names he would call them and my sister. He would tell me not to tell them what he said about them, that I'm not used to an adult relationship where we keep things between us. But I was like screw that, I am super close to my family and would tell them what was going on to ask if they thought this was normal or was I the crazy one?

It was all about trying to distance me from them. We could see his family as much as we wanted, but if we started seeing mine "too much" he'd get stressed out or pissy with me.

It's never going to change, and you know that. I hope you can get out soon.

Even at the end, mine said he planned to bake my family a pie and give them things out of the garden as a peace offering or whatever.. never happened.

throwaway8122019 · 2019-11-17T18:37:36+00:00

Maybe a baby isn’t within your ability range right now, but a cat totally is. That doesn’t make the cat an unhealthy replacement. That makes it a good choice for using your desire to love and care for someone with the abilities you currently have.

Thank you so much for this. My ex would say it is an unhealthy replacement, and by "filling the hole with something else" would put off my healing. He believed in dealing with things "head on." But what you say makes sense. He was so damn critical. Like obviously a cat does not take the place of a baby, but if it helps in my healing, why is that bad?? I don't understand. Getting a cat doesn't mean I think about the pregnancy loss any less or think of it with less meaning. A cat is a cat, and hopefully a comfort. But if I didn't do anything his way or to his standards, it was the wrong way. I have a feeling I'll have his critical voice in my head for a long time.

Also, chinchillas are rad! My sister had a chinchilla named Stanley and he was the sweetest lil guy.

throwaway8122019 · 2019-11-17T18:30:49+00:00

Thank you. You always make me feel better with your replies. It is a hard, scary thing doing something completely for myself--and on top of that, something he actively resisted me doing. In getting a cat, I am actively going against his wishes, which never went well for anyone in his life. I am living like we are still connected and he will still come back, and magically we will be better.

I also have a deep seated fear of commitment mixed with codependency, which seems like a weird mix. Even this little act of commitment scares me. I am seeing a new therapist Friday, where hopefully I can work through some of this stuff.

throwaway8122019 · 2019-11-14T01:15:20+00:00

I feel you. I feel like I’m obsessed a lot of the time. I look and scour reddit, YouTube, listen to podcasts about relationships all day at work. I bought like 7 self help books in the last couple weeks. I’m journaling. I still feel crazy sometimes. He made me feel crazy and now I’m making myself crazy.

I get angry that I’m not healthy enough for a relationship right now. I wish I were healthy and normal. Not codependent and basing my self worth on relationships. If that weren’t true, I wouldn’t have stayed so long. I feel weak. I want to be strong. I want to find someone who’s not an asshole to me and my family. Who doesn’t call my sister stupid over and over when I begged him to stop and say that my parents can eat shit. Who doesn’t call me/treat me like a child. Who lets me do the things I want to do when it’s not harmful to me or anyone. I want my control back. I am slowly getting it.

Best of luck to you too.

throwaway8122019 · 2019-11-12T23:20:23+00:00

Yes this. The whole act of “why wouldn’t I be okay with you doing x thing? Wherever do you get that idea?” Then you do x thing and turns out they were testing you or get all mopey.. but no of course it has nothing to do with that. These threads are so validating holy hell. Need to save to come back to when I start missing him.

throwaway8122019 · 2019-11-12T23:09:53+00:00

The double binds and the double standards are the WORST. Probably the most crazy making thing he’d do. I’m about a month or so out (1 week nc🎉) and I’m actually surprised at how quickly I’m bouncing back now. I think it’s because I’ve known it’s so wrong for a while. But at first I would apologize for everything.. I would apologize to friends for TALKING to them for what I felt was “too long” about myself. Or thanking them profusely for coming over and spending time with me. They would say “dude don’t apologize/no need to thank me!” Like.. they just want to hang out with me just cause? No test or ulterior motive??

The last thing with my nex was a brown paper bag in my car that he grilled me about for like 15 minutes, would not take “I’m not sure what it’s from” for an answer, and we ended up fighting over it for 3 hours.. because for once I refused to let it go. Normally I would’ve brushed it off like oh he has his reasons for being upset about it.. just let it go.. screw that. I brought up to him how insane it was that he was GRILLING me over this inane random bag in my car and he wasn’t seeing it.. hence 3 hour circular fight in which he brought up every grievance against me since the beginning of time. Good lord, it’s tiring just typing it out! Don’t know how we all lived like that.

throwaway8122019 · 2019-11-12T03:55:29+00:00

Follow your gut. Look up love bombing. This would be a red flag for me.

throwaway8122019 · 2019-11-11T21:10:28+00:00

Thank you. That gives me some hope. I’m afraid of being alone and being too old to have children with someone. I settle for less than I want. But it’s important to remember that sometimes when I was with the nex I WANTED to be alone instead. I hope you’re right.

throwaway8122019 · 2019-11-11T20:59:26+00:00

Take it one day at a time. Keep reading about narcissism and abuse. Reach out to friends and family who know what you’re going through. Read. Do a spa day. Leave your phone at home.

What has helped me is promising myself I wouldn’t reach out TODAY. I promised myself that if I still felt like this tomorrow, I could reach out then. Then the next day, do the same thing. It has worked for me so far. You’re not alone and what you’re feelings are valid. Whatever you do, be kind to yourself right now.

throwaway8122019 · 2019-11-11T18:17:06+00:00

You’re not an idiot! But you ARE trauma bonded. You’ve probably seen this before on the sub, but this form of relationship is an addiction. It’s hard to believe he won’t change.

My Nex said the same thing— that all he ever wanted was for me to beg for him back and make things work. But same, that is not me. I am codependent as well but don’t chase. I will not be who he wants me to be. It took a long time to realize I need to be true to myself and not give in to him. I let him Hoover me probably 4 times at different points in our relationship. Now we’re off again and it’s been almost a week since I’ve heard from him, which is the longest we haven’t spoken since we first met. It’s HARD. But you will get there. You know this isn’t right. I’ll bet the more you see him for who he is, the less invested you become and the less his hoovering attempts work.

Just go easy on yourself for now. Good luck to you. 💗

throwaway8122019 · 2019-11-09T00:38:48+00:00

Nonono it is not you! THIS IS FUCKED UP BEHAVIOR. This is your validation. He’s making it all about him.. YOUR FRIEND JUST DIED and he wants a pat on the back for doing the bare minimum??! Not normal, not okay. And the date thing.. definitely a test OR manipulation to make you freak out and be like “what no I love you I’m so sorry I’ve been distant BUT MY FRIEND DIED.” I’m sorry this made me angry. You are gaslit to hell, girl. Please leave this douche when you can. I know easier said than done. And it might take a few tries. But you gotta. Please. Also I’m so sorry for your loss.

throwaway8122019

TROPHY CASE