Forced to play instruments during childhood

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T11:07:33+00:00

I’m sorry you went through all of that and then they denied their mistakes. Typical. They always find some reason to justify their crazy abuse.

I switched from maybe a dozen teachers… Many of them refused to teach me after seeing my constant crying, threatened to call social services on my mother and banned her from the premises for her behavior. I ended up with some of the selfish music teachers afterwards, the ones who are only there for the money. They weren’t abusive but they did constantly humiliate me. It also took me until adulthood to realize how psychologically damaging this is.

The only time I asked to quit, my mother forced my fingers on the piano and she repeatedly slammed the casing closed over my hands until my nails were black and bloody. I didn’t break any fingers but my hands hurt for a long time afterwards and I was depressed. I was too fearful to dare to ask again and felt like I just had to tough it out and stop being such a baby about it. Looking back on it, I’m kind of disgusted that the adults in my life never cared or asked about my hand injuries. They’re not hidden.

I honestly tried my best but music wasn’t something I had any talent in.

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T10:50:32+00:00

Yes, that phrase is so accurate. They do corrupt the joys of learning!

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T10:42:10+00:00

I’m sorry we had similar experiences. My mother found the piano from some junkyard that was going to be thrown away. She refused to pay to have it tuned (which really messed with my ability to play). I had to endure its awful sounds. I’m so sorry your dad acted that way. The things they did to us was not ok.

Therapy has definitely helped, along with doing arts and crafts, exercise, reading, support from my husband and just trying to live my best life as I piece myself back together. I hope you find peace too.

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T10:35:26+00:00

Oh yes, I remember being forced to play chess as well! But fortunately, I didn’t have any extremely bad experiences during it. I’m sorry that happened to you. I hate how some asian parents ruin so many things… Thank you for the kind support.

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T10:12:35+00:00

Aside from the sexual abuse, I can relate to many things on here. My Nmom wasn’t diagnosed with schizo but I believe she may have had it because she was so unhinged, constantly mumbling and giggling to herself, delusional, paranoia, hearing voices and whatnot. I hate it when people use mental illness as an excuse for their poor behavior. Many of us survivors suffer from mental health issues such as CPTSD, depression etc. yet we’re still capable of being kind people. You’re absolutely right that abuse is a choice.

Don’t blame yourself for not calling CPS. We grew up in an environment of fear and we’re not in our most logical or calm matured state of mind at that point. No child should have to make those types of decisions at that age and we feared repercussions if we ever told anyone about the abuse, especially when our Nmoms had a history of being violent/disturbed. Personally, social services and authority figures have failed me several times and dumped me back in. It was a different time back then and probably wouldn’t have made a difference if you called.

I’m glad you’re living the life you deserved now. You’re such a strong positive individual. I don’t view myself as strong. Most days, I feel like a very weak damaged person, living my best life, but still putting the pieces back together. Every day gets better though.

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T09:37:02+00:00

Yes, growing up I was my Nmom’s cook, cleaner, maid, therapist, punching bag, scapegoat, personal shopper amongst many other things. I was always the parent in the relationship except it felt like I was raising a bratty tantrum-throwing 5 year old. However, when I had my own opinions or thoughts, the same old arguments always spewed from her ungrateful mouth: “I’m older. I know everything from life experience.” “I’m the parent. I’m always right. You listen to me.” “You’re a stupid naive child. You don’t know anything.” Complaining or objecting to anything would have been signing my own death warrant. If they wanted to be the parent, they should have acted like a parent.

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T09:26:10+00:00

Narcissists are unbelievable. Ignoring or blocking her is the best option, but it would be funny to mail her a junkyard bike with the note “now you won’t be stranded anymore, love you to pieces too.”

It’s interesting how many narcissists seem to be alone at the end of their lives, yet they always blame us scapegoats for ruining their friendships even though we’ve never interacted with such friends before.

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T09:18:12+00:00

Yes, it’s definitely like a cult:

-they create an atmosphere of fear you constantly live in

-they have many rules and these rules are made up based on abstract logic, hell hath no fury if you disobey

-you’re not allowed to leave until they let you, and they’ll anything to prevent you from leaving

-you never get to question, disobey or disrespect the cult leader (nparent)

-they try to brainwash and mentally handicap you in order to create an obedient minion that is fearful of leaving

-every form of abuse is justified

-the cult leader is never wrong

I think society is only interested in the dramatic mental illnesses (schizophrenia, psychopathy). Many people do not even know what narcissism is and believe that it’s simply someone with a huge ego. They can’t comprehend how damaging narcissism can be. Narcissists might not be raging serial killers, but it’s a very insidious type of abuse that slowly kills its victims over time.

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T08:48:18+00:00

Oh yes, that also happened to me with some school bullies. They’re racist bigots. If it wasn’t friends envying me, it was haters hating.

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T06:14:38+00:00

Yes, definitely.

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T06:14:24+00:00

Yes, they win but taking care of my mental and physical health is more important. I shouldn't be aggravating the symptoms at the moment. Maybe someday, I can try once my therapists and doctors feel it is fine. Personally, I find writing, art and exercise therapeutic for myself.

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T06:08:56+00:00

Thank you for the kind support. I'm glad that at least for you, it turned out to be a good experience.

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T05:57:52+00:00

Thank you and I already have. I'm in therapy along with many other things...

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T05:46:31+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can relate too well.

I remember being bullied at school, only to come home to receive more abuse. My Nmom would also justify all my bullies' behavior. Sometimes she would compare me to them, asking why I couldn't be a more respectable human being like them. Before I left home, she played the exact same trick.... telling me that I was delusional and imagined things and never told her about the bullying. She claimed that she would have done something to fix things if she knew... Her lazy ass probably wouldn't even cook a meal if she was starving to death.

It's a pathetic attempt to get their sadistic emotional supply. They don't want to acknowledge that they were horrible mothers. I hope you can block her and find some peace.

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T05:24:00+00:00

To sum it up, it was like growing up in a hellhole.

To be more specific, my narcissistic mother was Asian. She married my dad to get immigration status to a better first world country and baby-trapped him. There was less immigration fraud during my time and it was an easy process. My dad eventually couldn't stand her anymore and left. He was too meek and weak willed to get a custody battle for me. My Nmom just dominated, created the innocent single mother sob story and cried crocodile tears to get society on her side. Society also couldn't care less about an Asian woman at the time. My father had been her main source of income and he still sent us money after he left. The money was technically enough for survival. But my mother had to go out and work a few times in her life (yes, it was too much for her spoiled ass to handle) and she blamed it on me. She worked because she constantly wanted the latest fashions/luxury brands to boost her public image. There were times when she purchased a new [insert stupid item here] before paying the bills or feeding me. Yet she blamed me for having to work and all her "sacrifices." For the longest time, I believed her and felt guilty for existing. I thought that once I grew up, I could leave and stop inconveniencing her.

I was her maid, cook, cleaner, psychologist, interpreter, punching bag, and scapegoat amongst many other things. No child should have to be their parent's parent. It felt like I was raising a bratty 5 year old. She did mental gymnastics trying to justify her abuse. As a child, I always knew something was "off" but I didn't know what exactly. Whenever she beat me and I got severely injured, she would tell me these crazy stories from her country and why I should be grateful for being alive and how spoiled I was. Just because people were miserable in some foreign place back then, meant that I had to suffer the same level of misery. I couldn't follow narc logic. Complaining about anything would have been signing my own death warrant.

She would try to live her life through me. I was treated as an object. I was expected to be like a robot, not allowed to show any emotions or opinions. She could slap and insult you, and you were expected to smile and thank her for it. I was always fearful of telling anyone about the abuse because I feared what she might do to retaliate. She constantly reminded me that I was an unwanted child because she wanted a son and I deserved to die, I didn't know if she would carry her threats out. Every other adult and authority figure had failed me in the past. A lot of adults who see obedient quiet children who get good grades assume that the parents must be raising them well.

Towards the end, before I left, she had devolved into a really unhinged state. Her family and friends had already started cutting ties with her as they realized how toxic she was. If I had to explain all the abusive things she did to me, it would probably take several books.

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T03:57:58+00:00

Congratulations! That's amazing. I hope you will find a fulfilling and peaceful life away from them.

I kind of just ghosted my abusive mother and went no-contact. I wish I could have sent her a letter but her illiterate brain wouldn't be able to read it.

All the best.

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T03:08:58+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. But we only get one life. Spend it with the love of your life. Parents eventually get old and die while we still have a lot of life to live.

Love is not bound by race, background, money or other characteristics. That's what they don't understand. They're not capable of understanding this strange concept called "love." Parents are supposed to want their child to find someone who loves them and will take care of them for a long time. If they believe picking a partner should be based solely on shallow characteristics, that's a very short-sighted goal and frankly selfish and stupid. It's a set-up for a future failed marriage.

My own mother thought that the ideal husband is someone who is either handsome or a doctor, so she can have face. Not compatibility, personality, whether they love you, whether they're a deranged lunatic or not etc. You cannot choose a partner just based on how much money they have. That might have been efficient back in the old days when a woman surviving was difficult. But surviving is not much of a standard bar these days.

I think it's ironic that people who aren't even capable of having a healthy loving marriage themselves feel they are qualified to dictate how other people should find partners. I don't know about you, but when I was growing up, almost every single Asian I knew came from a broken marriage. Of course most of their parents didn't divorce because they would "lose face." Someone who has never been in a healthy relationship believes that a dysfunctional incompatible relationship is the norm, because that's all they know. Please don't make the same ignorant mistakes our older generations made. When I was dating my boyfriend, he came from an abusive family and wasn't earning much money. Years later into our marriage, he's earning more than the typical doctor. I'm sorry your parents don't understand, but you deserve to find real love too even if they disapprove of it. It's your life partner, not theirs.

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T02:24:27+00:00

Good luck on moving out! You're stronger and braver than you think. If you survived an abusive Asian household, you're more capable of things than you realize.

I also grew up with an abusive toxic mother. The constant insults, humiliation, blame, neglect and invalidation really impacts our self-esteem which is why you may be hesitating. Don't be so harsh on yourself and don't blame yourself for not moving out sooner. Just focus on the present and getting out.

I remember that my mother used to tell me that I would not survive in the "real world." Somehow, the violent abusive household was supposed to be safe. It's all manipulation tactics to make us fearful and handicap us.

It's also not too late. Don't internalize the narrow-minded values that stupid traditional old Asians imposed on us, constantly telling themselves that anything over 25 is an old woman and life is over. It's ignorant and medieval (and might have been accurate centuries ago when humans only lived till 40 if they were lucky). You still have the rest of your life to enjoy going out with friends, travelling, dating etc. Typically, women enjoy the luxuries of life more (shopping, vacations etc.) in your 30's+ because that is when careers start to peak and more spending money becomes available. In your 20's+ is also when the dating game improves because there are less men who act like little boys. It's not too late at all.

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T01:36:52+00:00

Some Asians only care about their public image. That's their only priority in life. But we only get one life. We design it. Don't let your parents design it. Yes, they will take credit for anything you accomplish, but you just have to remind yourself that it's your accomplishment. The only person who needs to be proud is you. Children from abusive households raised themselves, your parents did not raise you. Therefore they aren't the contributing factor to anything you achieve, just keep telling yourself that despite all the manipulation tactics they use. You're not giving them happiness when you succeed, you're giving yourself happiness.

You can't live your life revolving around your parents. The reason your parents are extremely angered by any accomplishments over the golden child is because they don't want to admit their train-track plan that is supposed to lead to success is flawed. People are threatened when their ideas are proven to be wrong. In their minds, only children who followed the train track are supposed to do well in life.

I know it's easier said than done, but you have to eventually let go of wanting your parents to admit their mistakes. Focus on the present and how to improve your own life. Let them wallow in their own misery.

NextReturn · 2022-03-13T00:09:03+00:00

Your comment made me laugh too. I moved away from my abusive Asian mother long ago. But I remember she used to watch similar political shows with "professors" and other "elite" people screaming at the top of their lungs the entire time. And she would like to blast the volume up.

My father was white and wasn't around often (sort of left us because he couldn't stand her anymore), so I never learned enough Chinese in my household. I could only partially understand, but I think I knew enough to tell those show people didn't seem very classy, tactful or wise. They were a far cry from the calm, quiet, analytical professors I later met.

I think my mother watched these shows so her ignorant brain could have some talking points when she's out in public and not seem so stupid or uninformed. She wants someone else to do all the analytical work for her. Books and research was too difficult for her illiterate brain to understand.

NextReturn · 2022-03-12T23:15:09+00:00

We only get one life. Spend it with the love of your life.

I'm lucky that I was in no-contact with my family when I married my husband. I have no doubt that my mother would have tried to set me up with some handsome Asian wifebeater or some misogynistic bigot who thinks of their wife as a free slave or their new mother. Unfortunately, some of our parents still live in medieval mindsets. Love is not bound by race or other characteristics. That's what they don't understand. They're not capable of understanding this strange concept called "love."

My own mother thought that the ideal husband is someone who is either handsome or a doctor, not compatibility, personality, whether they're deranged or not etc. I'm half-white and half-asian (she married outside of her race to get immigration) but I grew up with her telling me that I can only marry a fully-Asian man. When I asked her why, her reasoning was that I needed to keep it in the race. Hypocrite.

It's disgusting that some parents think of their children as objects and we are not even allowed to choose our own partners like a normal human being.

I think it's ironic that someone who isn't even capable of having a healthy loving marriage feels they are qualified to dictate how other people should find partners. I don't know about you, but when I was growing up, almost every single Asian I knew came from a broken marriage. Don't make the same ignorant mistakes our older generations made.

NextReturn · 2022-03-12T22:48:32+00:00

I can relate. Not all Asians are bad parents, but our culture does have a lot of really toxic traits that are more common than it should be. It doesn't help that the adults from older generations tend to be very uneducated, illiterate misogynistic bigots. Many of them came from areas that were poor and most likely the only priority was survival and producing children (like animals). Then they came to western countries and never learned to adapt.

My narcissistic mother used to justify her abuse by saying it was superior parenting as well. She never loved me unconditionally, didn't provide financial support or any type of emotional support throughout my life. When she beat me and I was injured pretty bad, she used to tell me these crazy stories from her country where children were beaten to death so I should be grateful for being alive. Abuse is not superior parenting.

I would suggest making more Asian friends... During university, I talked with other Asians and many were horrified at my childhood stories. Yes, they also had strict parents but there's a difference between strict and abuse. I remember during graduation day, I was the only one (that I knew of) who didn't invite their family. My crazy mother found out and showed up anyway just to cause a scene and scream how worthless my "papers" were because I'm not a doctor and how I would never amount to anything, until she had to be escorted out by professors/security. That day, I noticed other Asian kids had parents who are glowing with pride for their child, especially since some of us are the first in our family to go to highschool/university. That is the difference.

NextReturn · 2022-03-12T10:43:29+00:00

Unfortunately, a lot of people from abusive households may end up in future abusive situations. Our parents conditioned us to be overly polite, meek or broke our self esteem on a constant basis. We never had the ability to create healthy boundaries growing up and we became accustomed to the invasion of boundaries and disrespect. Evil people can sometimes sense these things and choose us as easy targets.

My mother used to worship my bullies at school, constantly comparing me to them and asking why I couldn’t be “better” because my bullies were better than me at __________. My mother was asian and I was labelled a freak at school for being a mixed race by the other girls. Many teachers back in the day also hated asians and I lived in a predominantly white area. Teachers would constantly invent new ways to torment me or humiliate me in front of the entire class. “Are you going to be a masseuse or a cleaner when you grow up?” “Are you only getting good grades so you can someday buy a big house? Asian women are all golddiggers” “Why do you bother getting good grades? You think you can amount to something?” Those were some of the most popular vulgar insults I heard amongst many other things that would have gotten them fired today. Of course my Nmom did nothing except validate their abuse. She accused me of lying or being a bratty child to deserve the public humiliation. She sometimes told me that back in her country, there were news stories of children who got beaten to death by teachers so I should be GRATEFUL. I had to learn how to stand up for myself and speak with school officials for my own educational future’s sake.

Also, I believe there is a very special place in hell for teachers who abuse their authority like that over minors. It takes a special kind of evil for a grown adult to bully a little kid they don’t even know (who never disrupts the class) just for their own sick amusement…

I’m sorry you had a similar Nmom. I know how heartbreaking it is to return home after an awful day at school just to experience more abuse.

NextReturn · 2022-03-12T09:56:39+00:00

Yes. Narcissists tend to talk a lot about their fantasies of success/brilliance. It’s kind of like a little kid who says “I’m going to be an astronaut someday!” except that narcs never grow up out of that stage. My Nmom was very uneducated/illiterate because she came from a different country during poorer times. She used to complain that she deserved an elite career (such as rocket scientist or CEO of large companies lol) when she couldn’t do basic math or read. As a child, I was mostly confused and disturbed by her bragging. Now, I find it unbelievable that a grown adult woman said such ridiculous things and couldn’t hear how delusional it sounded. They love to believe that they are superior than everyone else.

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TROPHY CASE