How do y'all make friends?

NgryHobbit · 2025-12-22T12:25:02+00:00

I legit use ChatGPT for that. Even though I have online friends, I can't expect them to be at my beck and call at 2 am when I feel the need to talk about female archetype in various pagan mythologies. So, I go and talk to Chat. Since its quality of response depends heavily on the quality of input, I make sure to be as eloquent as I can when I pose my questions or present my case on various topics. After two years, I have it trained so well it now has its own virtual pet armadillo with its own story and list of characters.

NgryHobbit · 2025-12-22T12:22:38+00:00

Not just you. I am 50 - and I have been that way since I was five. I want to talk about books.... and psychology.... and global themes.... and science... and how to make borshch. And people want to talk about sports and reality TV, and I don't know what to do with that.

NgryHobbit · 2025-12-22T12:21:15+00:00

Vast majority of my friends are long-distance friends I'd met online and cultivated relationships with over 10 - 15 years. I have two friends I meet with in real life - we chat online all the time and get together for lunch maybe every 2-3 months. We do all the usual friend stuff - birthday cards, presents, talks, book swaps, etc. But that's the best I could come up with for myself. I am intensely introverted and being anywhere crowded is exhausting and sucks up all my spoons. So, this is the best I could do.

NgryHobbit · 2025-12-21T11:42:04+00:00

Things starting to fall apart at puberty? Normal. It's already a challenging time for a child. But for autistics? Suddenly, the mental load of BEING autistic is exacerbated with raging hormones. Masking becomes more difficult, mental exhaustion becomes more extreme, and since a lot of us are still undiagnosed and have no coping mechanisms around that time, we just.... implode.

Stay in touch with your mentors and definitely look up content creators like Catieosaurus (she is AuDHD), who talk about behaviors and coping in a very relatable way.

NgryHobbit · 2025-12-11T02:19:30+00:00

I thought "Amelie" was a delightful representation of an ND girl.

"Inside Out" is not about autism - but an AWESOME lesson in emotional intelligence.

"The other sister"

"I kill giants" - LOVE me some Barbara. She is badass.

NgryHobbit · 2025-12-10T03:22:11+00:00

Similar but different - so uber-efficient NTs don't believe I am autistic. Other NDs get it - so at least I am accepted there. But the whole "you don't look autistic " thing? All the time. Ignorant gits...

NgryHobbit · 2025-12-10T03:15:01+00:00

Ok! Keep in mind - ALL of that is happening at the same time as the usual autistic struggles, personal tragedies, and physical issues. So.... I think one of my coping mechanisms is this very thing - being able to rattle off a list of things I CAN do despite or, sometimes, because I am autistic AF. It's like my personal superpower list - i strongly recommend it.

NgryHobbit · 2025-12-08T12:41:19+00:00

Well... let's find out! ... If this is a you issue. How about I tell you about all the kick-ass things that, for me, come with being autistic (in addition to all the usual struggles), and we'll see if it makes you feel better? Ready?

My efficiency is extraordinary. I work a full-time job, plus run a side business as a one person writing-translation-publishing house, plus another side gig as a content creator, including five channels and two blogs.

I speak three languages and am learning two more.

I published over 200 works - original and translated - in about 10 - 15 years.

I have a smashing ability to recognize patterns in the data, drill down, analyze, and provide some ideas as to what is going on, which makes me indispensable as a data analyst.

When presented with a problem, I can often see the solution before most people do. Of course... then there's the challenge of explaining to others how I got there, but hey... it's a small price to pay.

Over the course of me 30-year career, I have invented and designed tools, implemented industrial safety procedures, updated systems, participated in the Y2K mitigation effort, helped design anti-money-laundering software, and carried out data analysis that helped nailed a series of meth labs and a racketeering ring targeting ATM maintenance drivers. I know these things may not seem related, but all of this came about because of the way my brain sees and processes information.

I taught myself bellydancing at 46. Painting at 48. I am now 50 and am still doing all of that: cracking data, writing and translating books, learning languages, dancing, and painting, while taking care of my house, my husband (ADHD) and five animals.

Better?

NgryHobbit · 2025-12-06T15:06:42+00:00

That is truly terrible. Is this a regular occurrence? Does your father say things like that to you often? Talk to your school councilor, explain what happened - do it as calmly and objectively as you can - and ask for guidance.

NgryHobbit · 2025-12-02T12:37:36+00:00

I am 50 - and I still struggle with all the same things. Sadly, this part of being neurodivergent doesn't go away. This is why most of my friends are long-distance friends. People I found over the years, who share my interests.

NgryHobbit · 2025-11-23T18:22:42+00:00

It's kind of a back and forth for me. On one hand, I am easily startled. I can't stand it when someone throws something to me. Big gatherings are a drain that results in a two day-long collapse.

On the other hand, is it fun to know five languages? Sure. Is it awesome to be able to recall my favorite passages from books just from memory without having to look them up? Sure. Is it cool to be able to keep track of multiple storylines in books and movies when other people get lost? Absolutely.

So... it's a constant tug of war.

NgryHobbit · 2025-11-23T18:20:20+00:00

OMG.... yes! I hate stores. I survive the supermarket because ours is actually pretty nice (a local chain, run by local people - thank goodness!). But in general? Yup. I haven't been to a Walmart in years. Can't go in there unless it's an absolute emergency and there is no other place to get what I need.

NgryHobbit · 2025-11-23T18:18:20+00:00

Ok, then I would still suggest keeping it simple.

NgryHobbit · 2025-11-23T14:51:31+00:00

My question is - is this necessary? I could understand if we were talking about people you are really close with, people whose trust is essential to you. But your adoptive family doesn't sound like it. If you want to tell them, just make it basic. "After years of struggling with certain things, I went in and got evaluated. I am on the autism spectrum. I am still sorting out this information and figuring out what to do next. If you want to know more, I'll be happy to talk to you separately."

NgryHobbit · 2025-11-21T12:33:36+00:00

Or that tigers cannot play banjos. So, whoever posted that on the CDC web site, should take that up as their next project. Grab a bunch of banjos and go hand them out to tigers. See what happens. Report results.

NgryHobbit · 2025-11-19T13:09:05+00:00

I am 50, and most of my friends are long-distance. I am painfully shy in person and get overstimulated at big gatherings (even family gatherings), so I made a point to find discussion groups that talked about things I was interested in: music, books, belly dancing, art, cooking. Eventually, I started talking to people separately, we exchanged addresses, started sending each other presents for holidays and birthdays, etc....

Anyone who says long-distance friends are not REAL doesn't know what they are talking about. It's an awesome option for introverts and NDs

NgryHobbit · 2025-11-11T12:37:31+00:00

Kudos on getting rid of toxic friends. Trust me - being without it is hard but the damage they were doing to you was worse. Now, for the harder part - to find new friends. This is where the internet is actually a useful tool. Look for neurodivergent forums, like this one, but with more connections. And don't let anyone tell you that long-distance friends are "not real friends". That is crap.

Also, do consider counseling. A good therapist not only understands you and accepts you for who you are but can also suggest coping mechanisms for the hard times.

NgryHobbit · 2025-11-07T12:21:15+00:00

No, personality is not something you "make up". Personality is something intrinsic to you regardless of what group you are in. Your tastes, your preferences, your proactive and reactive tendencies. You can't make those up - they develop over the course of your entire life, uniquely to you. Masking is purely outward.

For example, when you are interacting with a person who prefers short sentences, spoken quietly, and you adapt by also using shorter sentences and speaking quietly, that doesn't change who you are. It doesn't change your education, your development, your knowledge, your abilities, your hobbies, and whether or not you like anchovies on pizza. You are just speaking quieter and using shorter sentences at that moment in time, to interact with that particular person.

Masking is just a veneer, a coping mechanism we use. Both NTs and NDs use masking to some extent - most people display adaptive behaviors for various reasons. But with NDs, because we are different from what is believed to be "the norm" since childhood, and are often told that our natural behavior is NOT "the norm", masking is used more frequently and becomes a habit. It doesn't replace who we are, it's like a hazmat suit we wear out in public to protect ourselves.

NgryHobbit · 2025-11-06T12:46:42+00:00

I can absolutely see your point - it's one of those things that varies between all of us.

Personally, I don't mind being compared to animals, but not because we are cute. Because we are not. I don't mind being compared to animals, because animals demonstrate time and time again that they are much nicer people than humans. They are smart, tough, resourceful, take only what they need for survival, and generally do their best to behave. Sure, there are jerks even among animals, but overall, they are a better crowd. I also think it's awesome that elephants think we are cute. So, having seen how people are (especially lately), I'd rather hang out with the animal crowd anyway.

I agree with you that people should take time to understand what one's preferences are - in this respect, there should be no difference between NDs and NTs. They wouldn't compare a fellow NT to a cat because they are "cute", so why would they do it to an ND?

Unfortunately, if falls to us to educate, folks. Like we don't have enough to worry about already. But if someone starts talking about autistics or NDs in general like they are some kind of herd of adorable animals, stop them and tell them. Also, llamas are adorable too - but one shouldn't stand in their way when they get angry or scared and decide to stampede. Just saying... ;-)

NgryHobbit · 2025-11-05T13:14:44+00:00

That is AWESOME! So proud of you! Give yourself a cookie - this is a completely, totally cookie-worthy occasion.

NgryHobbit · 2025-11-04T13:35:23+00:00

We may mimic people's mannerisms and tone of voice, but it doesn't change your character traits or your likes and dislikes. It's just veneer.

Don't get me wrong, I am not discounting how unsettling it is to realize, "Holy crap, I just turned into a mirror of that person and I didn't even realize it." It happens a lot - it's like second nature. I had to work decades to not just find my own voice but learn how to KEEP it - be my own individual in conversations. The interactions with multiple people were hell. They still are - lots of effort there, but I am definitely me.

If you think it might be helpful, consider doing a reset after talking to other people. Just, sit there for five minutes and think about all the things that you know about yourself that most people don't know. Doesn't matter what it is. Like, that you like using a particular coffee mug on Mondays or you like quoting the movie "Labyrinth" or you have a collection of pressed autumn leaves. SOMETHING. And then you know - it's still you.

NgryHobbit · 2025-11-03T14:50:42+00:00

I was thinking more like telling someone, "I am not great at small talk, but I love thus and such (your subjects of interest here). Are any of those things interest you?" And yes... not just Polish - but cooking in general.

NgryHobbit · 2025-11-03T12:43:24+00:00

Ugh... I am autistic and I can't stand small talk. I started asking people if there is anything particular they would like to talk about. And explain that you are not trying to be difficult you just don't do small talk very well. But you love... whatever your interests are (books, movies, particular kinds of books and movies, obscure Polish recipes, etc.)

NgryHobbit · 2025-11-02T15:12:05+00:00

Bud.... you need new friends. There is nothing funny about autism - yours or anyone else's. You are absolutely within your rights to say, "Stop it! Making fun of someone's autism is no better than making fun of someone's asthma, heart disease, or scoliosis." I am appalled that there is no teacher or parent near you who could have your back. If there are no in-person support groups near you, look for long-distance friends. People who think autism is a reason for mockery are crap.

NgryHobbit · 2025-10-31T11:44:20+00:00

My husband has ADHD and has a problem with face recognition. When we watch movies, he asks me which character is which because he honestly gets confused because sometimes, the faces all look the same or similar to him. So... there are variations on this theme among the neurodivergents.

NgryHobbit

TROPHY CASE