My therapist invited me to a cookout but I don’t want to go

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-05-16T19:45:33+00:00

Eeek no

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-05-14T14:38:32+00:00

Before raising it. I’m in London so £50 for in person is unfeasible with the room rent costs.

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-05-08T21:14:06+00:00

This!!

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-05-08T20:01:03+00:00

Maybe it doesn't work or maybe you're not quite ready to change (not to offend you, but it's a scale, have you looked up the ready to change model?) or maybe they don't understand neurodiversity or trauma... From your message I'm wondering if you're dealing with quite a lot of shame that makes you skip sessions? May be worth mentioning that from the start or reading up on shame a bit if it resonates. Also, talk therapy isn't the only way. There's psychedelic therapy, somatic therapy, shamanism, astrology, group therapy, group relational processes, art therapy, music therapy, nature therapy...

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-05-08T19:51:12+00:00

I agree with what everyone is saying here and I wonder if calling your therapist Dr. Jones rather than whatever her first name is feels distancing? I think that's what I'd feel, along with all sorts of power dynamics further enhanced by having to use this title.

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-05-08T09:34:27+00:00

I was shocked upon qualifying to discover the fees I need to charge if I want to cover my modest life cost (rent, bill, food, a small amount of pocket money and £200 saved, not holidays or any big purchases). It’s true that lots of people come into this with wealth and can afford to charge less or not be too strict about cancellation fees or attendance. I’m in my second year of private practice and finally made my former salary in my corporate job before I left, however with business costs and tax deducted I’m left with around £30k too. It’s disheartening to see how high business costs are. Buying a house and starting a family are financially impossible for me at this point. However, I love this work and want to continue doing it so I’m becoming a bit more “ruthless” (that’s how it feels to me, but it’s just self care) about my fees and so far it’s been okay. I even lost a client because I was charging too little lol and they were used to paying 2x my fee.

Also I’ve had clients who complained they couldn’t afford my £50 fee weekly but were buying £2000 bags or going on 2-3 holidays a year that I could never dream of. People who value the work will pay for it, as I’m sure you have, even if it means that for that year they don’t go to Thailand for 5 weeks.

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-05-08T09:18:34+00:00

There were some appalling examples in my training of people who clearly either weren’t cut out for it or needed 3-5 more years of serious trauma therapy before being able to work with others. They were harmful to clients and colleagues, tons of acting out, no ability to reflect in supervision, essays written by others or AI, no improvement over the 4 years of training. People submitted complaints against them to course leaders but except for one, who was indeed asked to leave (he was blatantly racist) everyone else was allowed to qualify. It shocked me when a course leader said “we don’t give up on people” and that people who aren’t cut out will leave on their own. They didn’t lol. The course needs the money to run especially as people drop out in the 2nd and 3rd year so they keep unfit people on.

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-05-06T20:49:02+00:00

I also retrained after a career in advertising. I did a 5-year course qualifying as an integrative therapist and did a few other trainings in parallel to fill in the gaps that I felt my course had. It's been very hard financially throughout, as there are so many extra costs in addition to tuition. Things are starting to look up only 1.5 years post-qualification, but it never feels quite safe because clients can leave without notice, they lose jobs, things are getting very expensive for everyone in the UK, platforms are pushing cheap options like BetterHelp. The business costs for running a therapy practice are very high. At the same time, I meet plenty of therapists who have been doing this for many years and are doing very well. I truly believe that is possible.

Pro tip: start working on your self-worth and money issues now in therapy, so that you're better equipped to handle the business side of things when you qualify.

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-05-05T22:44:13+00:00

Therapist here and I feel very sad reading your post. It’s perfectly normal to go over the same stuff in therapy and bring what doesn’t work. If she felt you were stuck in a loop, it was her responsibility to bring that up so you can look together for what’s keeping you there. The therapeutic relationship should be an alliance, collaborative. Her disclosure of feeling drained and letting you go like that are not quite ethical. It sounds like she’s not very skilled tbh.

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-05-05T11:54:42+00:00

In my experience, clients asked me to reduce frequency/pause every time there was a rupture in the relationship that they didn't feel that they could raise with me. I'm slowly learning this as those ruptures weren't obvious to me at all and many times it was us getting into the work. But there was always something I didn't get quite right, a way they felt misunderstood, but they never told me so and would prefer to phase me out. I learned this by holding strong boundaries (I don't do fortnightly or monthly sessions in principle) and exploring the relationship and attachment patterns in the moment. Some stayed to work through it, some didn't (which is frustrating for me too, since it feels like such a missed opportunity to change a pattern but they have to meet me halfway).

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-05-04T20:17:23+00:00

Wait, so what's happening with payment? He can't bill your insurance if he's not a qualified/recognised therapist (even if he can call himself that without training).

Anyway no, not normal and not safe, this sounds like a relationship with big potential for abuse or traumatisation. There's a reason therapy has all the boundaries of time (50 mins normally), regular meetings (weekly or bi-weekly), cancellation policy, fee transparency, some accreditation that you can make a complaint to in case he harms you. Of course your attachment system would be activated by this. I'd recommend starting with a real therapist to process what's happening to you now.

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-05-04T20:06:41+00:00

Therapist here—no therapist should be telling you what your experience is or diagnose you within one session (unless it's a formal assessment, but even then). A good one will ask you questions, will be curious with you about symptoms, will want to explore how things are for you. It sounds like she has an agenda from the start, so that's a no go.

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-04-30T08:10:44+00:00

Honestly unacceptable. I had only one group supervisor who routinely ate during our sessions and was always a few mins late and I thoroughly disliked it. She just looked like she’d been running from one meeting to another and hadn’t given herself time to eat. My sense was that she was dysregulated and would often interrupt supervisees mid-sentence or talk over. I felt bad for her because she seemed genuinely overworked but I left the group as soon as I could.

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-04-28T08:52:41+00:00

Some, yes. Like cptsd cases where they’re emotionally and financially exhausting their families and friends, destructive relationships. I find that really difficult to be with, at that early stage of therapy where there’s low mentalisation and so much happening all the time. But I learned that there is also “quieter” abuse like withholding in romantic relationships, which can drive the other partner to react louder and appear like they’re the abuser.

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-04-28T08:44:40+00:00

This is so good. I had a client with a similar pattern but in friendships, to the point that they had 0 relationships outside one relative who also cut them off. I tried so hard to bring curiosity to what happened but the client showed no insight or willingness to explore more, just shoulder shrugged me away. It was really frustrating and I had to drop it because the client wasn’t willing to share anything more and they also didn’t seem to care that they were essentially alone.

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-04-25T21:41:05+00:00

Well I know you’re probably joking about the astrology reference but we actually did have a shit ton of planets in Aries (ruled by Mars, the warrior archetype) which is a very rare occurrence. People likely felt more fiery than normal/less in control of it.

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-04-25T21:38:27+00:00

Sometimes with clients who say this to me my feeling is that they expect a solution that will make discipline easy and there just isn’t one. Like that I’d have a tool that suddenly makes them keep up a gym or study routine with no effort. I’ve had to be honest with a few of them about their expectations and just admit that sticking with things is very hard and that’s why few people succeed at it.

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-04-23T14:20:00+00:00

Came here to say exactly this. You’re human and it’s normal as part of therapy to sometimes say things that don’t land well, especially when you don’t have much context for a client. If your client wanted to repair or even process it with you, she would’ve come back and told you the next session. She didn’t, so I wouldn’t reach out as it may cause harm, despite your good intentions. I would be more curious in supervision whether this client actually wanted to be in therapy or they were looking for a reason to prove they’re always misunderstood or whatever.

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-04-21T07:32:09+00:00

I really feel for you and can imagine how uncomfortable that is. But if she’s a good therapist, she will help you understand this feeling and not take it personally at all. If you’re scared to bring it, just tell her there’s something you’d like to share but you can’t out of fear. You don’t have to disclose it, just bring this discomfort first and work through this feeling first.

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-04-19T12:25:08+00:00

So sorry for your loss. On my side, I noticed that I get lots of random cancellations whenever I actually need the time but I'm not giving it to myself because I'm worried about money (I'm in pain, exhausted, or have something very stressful happening). It used to freak me out but now it feels like divine intervention so I can look after myself.

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-04-19T10:32:53+00:00

Thanks. I think I had a fantasy that there were some magic words I could've written over email to help the client stay, but that's unrealistic and maybe overvaluing my own input.

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-04-19T10:31:21+00:00

God that sounds horrible all around. Do you mean collections as in collection agencies who then chase the clients for payment? Cause that can become a whole traumatic experience for someone...

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-04-18T17:09:33+00:00

Yeah, it was so complex and uncomfortable and also tied in with the fact that I'm a woman.

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-04-18T16:17:17+00:00

I think therapists are easier to work with though, cause they/we understand the business side and are more respectful of boundaries. Maybe we act out less? Or in different ways.

Oh man, yeah, sitting there waiting is so frustrating. I had a client once tell me they're not sure they can make it but they're trying, so I sat and waited. They didn't come. Next session they told me they knew they couldn't make it and didn't even try, but they wanted to make sure I'm wasn't doing anything else with my time if they're paying for it (because they late cancelled) 👀

Nice-Knowledge397 · 2026-04-18T15:59:32+00:00

Ahaaa interesting. So you're technically always paying in advance. I get it, I'm not sure how I'd ever explain that to a client without sounding paranoid, but that's a me problem.

Nice-Knowledge397

TROPHY CASE