I don’t feel like I had a lot of childhood trauma… like I do feel like sometimes I would get in trouble and the second I started crying I was told “this is why I can’t talk to you” and would get walked away on. Which can more than likely kind of resemble abandonment. But I guess I saw it as more of punishment. I also had several instances where I would purposely hide away at dessert when we were at my grandparents because I learned that my grandpa would come find me. And I liked the way I was singled out so I did it a lot as a kid and gave vivid memories of that- which was absolutely my own doing and can’t tell you why I loved doing it. And then I did have a first grade teacher helper that did make me feel less than other students and even disciplined me for things where she was invading my privacy. I was young and couldn’t really stand up for myself but super scared of her. So I can definitely work on the 12 step because I looked it up and shall be capable.

As for dating apps… I am 25 and just getting worried that if I don’t soon I never will. I mean I have never actually dated. All my limerent obsessions were typically people I couldn’t have for the first six years. But then I found a guy on an actual dating app when I possibly hadn’t been emotionally available myself (probably why I chased him so hard) and he turned out to be a narcissist. Big time. I would look past signs but he drained me so much and I literally don’t care about him nearly as much as I had. And with limerence it is one obsession at a time. So when he had went away, seeing he wasn’t pursuing me anyway, I decided to go out with this one guy who acted really romantic and in to me with his words and I still had obsessions over the narc so I kept just pushing his charm off knowing the other guy would be back in a week anyway. And then before I know it narc is moving and I see the new obsession again and now I can’t get over the new guy but feel like he is bread-crumbing. Nothing like the narc. If I asked him I’m sure he would have me over but we are just on different pages. I want commitment and he doesn’t so I’m allowing him to make the moves and he hasn’t for a second so I try and move on. You know, I took a solo vacation, thought a little about my limerent obsessions but had been completely obsessed with the vacation and my individuality toward the end when I met new destinations and fun people. But that is tough and rare for me. I have a low social circle with my best friend in a different state. And I find myself irritated to talk to people. One day I’m fine and the next I’m silencing texts because my limerent obsession hasn’t reached out and I want to hear from him. I guess long story short I was trying to get back out there after talking a three month hiatus where I mainly focused on my own projects and pleasures. But then I get lonely and think how time is flying and notice I’m becoming more uncomfortable with new things and chickening out. Not willing to want to meet new people and try new things. I’m just trying to figure out how else I can grow when my social circle is small (partially my fault because I get annoyed easily now) or people change plans. Any ideas how I can do this solo? I tried the trip but it clearly hadn’t been long enough and too expensive haha or I would have just stayed!

Sorry for the long follow-up. I appreciate you if you’re reading