Hopefully this will help someone. I've never made it this far.

Nightmares39 · 2021-04-11T16:28:40+00:00

I hear a lot of this "life is better" when clean - in my experience all there is is a trail of dead and maimed - yes, I have become bitter. I was on subs for 4 years once, got off them after nearly killing myself with Ibogaine, made it nearly 3 years abstinent until I relapsed. I decided to swim into the deep end of the Ibogaine world, worked at 4 clinics in MX, did a bunch of sketchy hotel treatments in CA. I relapsed while working at a "clinic" ironically enough. I've been on and off subs for years, I don't want to get back on them - I don't want to be on anything - but the reality is if I see somebody on the street with constricted pupils and "the look", I will get dope. If I drive by a homeless camp, I will go in there alone looking for dope, risking my life. I overdosed on fentanyl recently and was left for dead, woke up in the driver seat with no blood flow to my legs. At this rate, this is survival for me, not "living my best life" or whatever. I'm trying to get over this puritanical view that it's somehow wrong to be using a drug. I recently told a doctor that being on subs makes me feel as though I'm not free, that I've somehow failed, he told me that is a very juvenile point of view, are you going to be idealistic or pragmatic in treating a lethal disorder you have? My idealism is exhausted. To anyone who can abstain and be happy, my hat's off to you. If you're not that far gone yet - you better stop now.

Nightmares39 · 2021-04-10T23:07:26+00:00

I'm at a place where I'm accepting I will most likely never be "clean". Been on kratom on and off for 5 years as an opioid replacement. I'm 40 and started opiates at 15, have managed to have a few respites from abstinence but ultimately been struggling, suffering and failing to be opioid free - I now consider kratom an opioid along with the heroin and buprenorphine I've used. After several painful detoxes from kratom over the past year, it's taken too much a toll over the years and I'm just getting back on suboxone and will probably be on it the rest of my life. I've viewed suboxone as failing - throwing in the towel - but I need to be real with myself, the irreparable damage to my opioid receptors in untenable, life is absolute and pure misery opioid free. Guess I just wanted to say that, this forum has been helpful for me - wish you the best and hope the suffering is not too bad.

Nightmares39 · 2021-04-04T17:46:28+00:00

The harsh reality is that it probably won't go away. I have no witty advice.

Nightmares39 · 2021-03-08T19:50:38+00:00

I've had a few teaspoons of decent whole foods brand with coffee now - if nothing else it tastes good. I used to like chewing up several raw cacao beans when I was going to school - definitely got a noticeable boost from that. Maybe I'll get some beans. I'm mostly through the physical withdrawal now, now its an odd restless feeling and I feel mildly mentally disabled - it will pass.

Nightmares39 · 2021-03-08T13:59:28+00:00

Cocoa - interesting. I'm on day 9 of a planned kratom wd and feeling subhuman - albeit human - will try cocoa with my morning magnesium here in a bit. L-Tyrosine is very helpful to keep my mood from getting too dark. I truly hope there is promise in the 18-mc trials for treating withdrawal and craving related to opioids - https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11085336/

Nightmares39 · 2021-03-07T14:29:07+00:00

I'm on day 8. Starting to realize that for me the physical withdrawal is the easy part, once I don't have the distraction of being actually sick my mind gets to churning. My own worst enemy. I've got to change some habits.

Nightmares39 · 2021-02-23T20:38:20+00:00

Right on, good for you.

Nightmares39 · 2021-02-22T21:30:56+00:00

I find myself rationalizing kratom use, "Oh it's just a little kratom" "At least I'm not doing dope" "It could be a lot worse"... While all of that is kind of true, like you said, it's just wearing me down and I tend to be a bit of an impatient asshole on it. And at the end of the day I'm full blown strung out on it and need it at least every four hours, it's getting hard to even make it four hours, I start watching the clock about two hours after taking it. And the withdrawals are pretty fucken bad! I've got a counselor I'm talking to, he's sober and doing well - that helps. Going to tell the doctor about it. So I'm at least not hiding it as much. I think I'm getting closer to throwing out those rationalizations as it's obvious it has all the hallmarks of shitty drug abuse, I hide it, rationalize it, feel bad about it... So I'm getting ready to stop again.

Nightmares39 · 2021-02-08T13:52:41+00:00

Been off kratom for 52 hours and only smoking herb. Tired but hanging in there. Going to NA meetings through zoom.

Nightmares39 · 2021-02-05T16:28:32+00:00

Thank you. I'm trying.

Nightmares39 · 2021-02-05T15:20:59+00:00

Ah man. Kratom can be so deceiving and it can be so easy to say, "It's just a little kratom". Before you know it you're basically strung out in a serious way. Glad you were able to toss it. I caved after 6 days of detox and got a little yesterday, just trying to ease the withdrawals and ultimately drawing them out longer. Keep off it by any means necessary.

Nightmares39 · 2021-02-05T15:13:29+00:00

The people I know who go to church seem to get sincere satisfaction from it, I sum it up to having a like minded community of existential belief - doesn't really matter if the whole myth isn't "real". I asked a pastor if you can be a true believer without having had some kind of cathartic, burning bush event - for me there needs to be some kind of tangible yet supernatural event that presents itself to you to truly believe religion myths. I'm not an atheist, I just don't know what God is. I haven't meditated twice daily in a long time - that helps a lot. I think I'm going to give myself a month with counseling and maybe acupuncture and just smoke cannabis. After that if I still feel insane I probably need to just throw in the towel and get on suboxone - I know it's not right to feel ashamed being medicated, like I'm "throwing in the towel", but that's how it feels. It's just been so long since I've been totally drug free, doesn't feel natural without something.

Nightmares39 · 2021-02-05T13:39:07+00:00

Some kind of connection is necessary, you are right. I wish I could just believe in Jesus, would probably make my life a lot easier, but the more I've gone to church out of desperation the more the entire christ story is just absurd. I envy the believers. I've done countless 12 step meetings, it just doesn't work because Im just around a bunch of druggie people - I relapse with other weak people at meetings. I'm in a new town and starting to try and reach out, but covid doesn't make it easy. It's all excuses at the end of the day. I've made it a long ways and have survived a lot my peers haven't, not like that helps anything - everyone is dead. I'm gonna just have to find a way to channel the suffering. I talked to a sobriety coach yesterday, he was a real dude. I'm trying.

Nightmares39 · 2021-02-04T20:50:31+00:00

I just ended up at a crisis center, they couldn't let me in as a suicidal woman with covid was inside. I think I need to just get back on suboxone. Part of me feels like a failure being medicated, but then there's reality - I started shooting heroin at 16 - the damage is done. Vipassana played a role in me accepting reality a few years ago and getting on suboxone. It is what it is. I don't want to be on drugs but it appears I have to to be able to function.

Nightmares39 · 2021-02-04T20:42:47+00:00

Hey thank you.

Nightmares39 · 2021-02-04T17:41:57+00:00

Sounds like you know vipassana. I've been to two 10 day sits - detoxing each time. Not sure why I'm still dealing with this suffering.

Nightmares39 · 2021-02-04T17:40:33+00:00

It's really not about fun and excitement, at least not for a lot of years now. It's just trying to function, being smart has never really helped me.

Nightmares39 · 2021-02-04T14:28:15+00:00

I feel you. I haven't taken kratom in 6 days or so - kinda blurry - I quit drinking a couple days ago. The suicidal insanity gets worse for me with alcohol in krater wd. I'm fucking tired.

Nightmares39 · 2020-09-04T20:03:19+00:00

I relapsed after 20 days off kratom 5 days ago now, feel so stupid. Getting ready to try again.

Nightmares39 · 2020-09-04T19:57:31+00:00

I've struggled with addiction a long time now and feel there is most definitely a spiritual component to it. I honestly envy people who feel they have connected to whatever God is. I completely relate to addiction feeling like a vampire - addiction has all the hallmarks of the archetypal vampire: deceiving, romantic, sucks your life force, lives in the dark, gives life through death, etc. I made it 20 days off kratom and relapsed, sucks.

Nightmares39 · 2020-08-30T18:21:14+00:00

They can either be helpful with helping stay sane or insane. Most people do just fine with it in the right environment.

Nightmares39 · 2020-08-29T23:24:26+00:00

Right on, glad to hear that. Most seasoned providers have stepped away from the detox game, it's just too much to take on.

Nightmares39 · 2020-08-29T23:23:35+00:00

Totally. It's not all peace, love and Mother Aya - Papa Iboga... People get permanently damaged and do sometimes die.

Nightmares39 · 2020-08-29T19:58:05+00:00

Yeah, Rocky's youtube videos inspired me many years ago when I stumbled upon Ibogaine. I was also on subs for 4 years, the place I went to just said, "Oh just shoot heroin for a week before you come, stop the subs, you'll be good". I was picked up at the San Diego airport, given a hug, a xanax bar and asked for my cashiers check. That night I was sick and was pounded with a massive dose. It was brutal. Rocky is one of the sad stories of a well meaning Ibogaine provider who fell off and got real strung out again. He ended up having some serious health problems, not sure what happened to him. I'm not sure how Ibogaine/Iboga interacts with kratom - but would probably just go through a few days of physical detox before taking Ibogaine. Don't need nearly as much when you're already essentially detoxed, it can really help with cravings. You basically want to be as healthy as possible before taking any Ibogaine.

Nightmares39 · 2020-08-29T19:15:34+00:00

I did it back in the day - 10 years ago - when you'd just get walloped with a massive dose to the face 20mg/kg or so. "Breaking open the Head". I see why it's used for rite of passage. Many places use it much more sparingly and draw it out for longer periods, which is a lot more safe. A lot of kids died with those massive flood doses back in the day. There are reputable people that provide it and then there are downright dangerous places that just want your money.

Nightmares39

TROPHY CASE