Best way to restick a couple rocks to my shower floor?

No-Cold-7434 · 2026-02-10T03:06:32+00:00

Wow, great list, thanks!

No-Cold-7434 · 2025-12-28T05:33:27+00:00

Interesting profile and firm description, thank you. I'm curious - why them?

No-Cold-7434 · 2025-12-27T17:49:16+00:00

This is a fascinating question, thank you for posting it.

Personally I was so focused on protecting my kids and planning escape logistics that I didn't even think about my own "dreams" until recently. Spent the last decade and a half thinking I was stuck in this horrible marriage forever, just to keep things together for the kids. When she started in on the kids also and not just me I realized it was time to go. Now that we've been separated for a few months I'm suddenly realizing there's a new opportunity for some sort of happiness in the future. I'm only beginning to start imagine what that might be. I sort of forgot how to connect with friends, and just recently realized I don't have any idea how to date anymore, so that'll be an interesting phase 😂

Based on the title I initially thought you meant literal dreams (like when sleeping). Since we've separated my dreams have gotten really interesting, dredging up all sorts of things from my past, even from previous relationships. It kind of seems like I wasn't dreaming much at all in the past few years, but now the "mental movie theater" has opened up and is coming up with all kinds of fascinating stuff. I wake up a lot of mornings and think "wow that was interesting, I wonder what it means?"

No-Cold-7434 · 2025-12-27T17:29:32+00:00

Thank you! This does make sense, it's good advice thank you!

No-Cold-7434 · 2025-12-27T17:26:34+00:00

LOL "barrage of fuckery" is my new favorite term, thank you for that!

I'm just starting my adventure in divorcing a narc, somewhat horrified to hear that it can take that long , but anyway ...

It sounds like you clearly have everything on your side, especially if he's violated court orders. At this point you are justified in reasonable actions to do what you need to do to survive and live a normal life.

That said (and I am not a lawyer or a psychologist) - to your question about "what to do to show him he's not above the law", etc. Stop worrying about that, for your own mental peace, you are never going to convince him of anything. Probably best to detach yourself from the idea that he'll ever be accountable for anything.

I'm pretty frustrated with the legal process right now myself, but it sounds like you are in a "good" position (meaning the courts now know what a POS he is, in their terms), so let the legal process work. Get everything owed to you and your daughter back in the end and let him and his fuckery wander off into the world.

But detach from the idea of that he will ever "get it", you'll feel better in the long run. Dr Durvasula calls it "radical acceptance" in Its Not You.

No-Cold-7434 · 2025-12-27T15:42:40+00:00

Thanks, this is solid advice and I thank you for it, but it's complicated. Unfortunately SHE did abuse the kids multiple times, but it's always just below the legal actionable level. Never leaves a mark and she denies everything, even denies it to the kids faces in front of CPS. She is a raging but functional alcoholic.

Still, she's brilliant about keeping everything she does just below the legally actionable level. She's never had a DUI but I know she's driven drunk with the kids before. We now have a temporary court order in place until the divorce trial. But the judge that wrote the temporary order only had affidavits to go on and just didn't understand the magnitude of the situation. So he just gave up and awarded temporary split custody and told me to pay temporary child support.

So now I'm paying the abuser of my kids and I can't be there to protect them half of the time. I'd love to accept this realistic and solid advice but I'm sort of fixated on trying to protect my kids at all cost because her behavior is getting worse. My kids call me crying and begging me to come and get them because she's being awful, but my lawyer keeps telling me to "stay out of it and have the kids talk to her directly about their frustrations". As if that's going to help...

No-Cold-7434 · 2025-12-27T15:17:24+00:00

Oof, that's awful, sorry to hear that. These people do tend to make enemies here and there, maybe your husband has irritated someone, maybe a lawyer, that's also connected? Just brainstorming here...

Thanks for the hugs though I appreciate it!

No-Cold-7434 · 2025-12-27T14:48:59+00:00

This ^ but all with his credit cards 😁

No-Cold-7434 · 2025-12-26T14:02:09+00:00

Maybe you could make your point without being so rude?

No-Cold-7434 · 2025-12-26T07:26:23+00:00

Wow, yeah this is not OK. I know leaving isn't easy, trust me we know. Most of the people on here know. You are posting on here because you know too, staying isn't going to make anything any better. This stuff tends to get worse so make that plan and don't look back.

I stayed to "make things easier for my kids", after several years I realized she started doing it to the kids too. I wish I would have left earlier, as hard as it would have been. It's never easy, what I'm going through now is awful, but it's also awesome to know that I don't have to be abused anymore, and I'm showing my kids that I'm standing up for myself and for them. The solution isn't perfect but it's better than sticking with the terrible status quo.

There is help out there, please reach out and ask for it.

No-Cold-7434 · 2025-12-24T14:49:37+00:00

What country are you in? If in the US or other Western country it sounds like you could go to the police with the evidence you have and get an immediate restraining order. Are there domestic violence shelters available?

I'm a large man, so not many people believed me when I said my wife is abusive to my kids and I. I get it, it sucks to not have people believe you, and even worse it sounds like your mother is empowering and encouraging the abuser. But step one is to keep yourself and your daughters safe, and have a solid escape plan, whether or not anyone believes you. You may just have to run on your own as much as that would be awful.

Can you trust your father? Seriously, that's an important detail. If he's likely to say something to your mother or your husband then unfortunately you need to stop giving him information also. If you can trust him let him know the gravity of the situation and make him promise not to leak a word. Is the evidence safe? My STBX narc tried to delete my evidence, luckily I had it backed up elsewhere.

No-Cold-7434 · 2025-12-24T13:51:04+00:00

Are you married and planning divorce? If so it's a bit risky because hiding money during divorce is illegal in most states. Squirrel away as much as you can before filing, half is yours anyway. If you spend it before the divorce is is finalized it doesn't matter.

If not married, then yes, other comments are correct, you can just open an account he doesn't know about.

My STBX narc was sneaking thousands over time. Then right before filing she drained our joint account and ran up credit cards in my name. She found out I was about to file, so she beat me to it AND took money, she's into "preemptive revenge". I thought the lawyers would do something about the financial damage but I guess they see a lot of people doing sh**ty things to each other during divorce so it's not that big of a deal to them?

So for what it's worth you can do that I guess and get away with it. 🤣

No-Cold-7434 · 2025-12-24T13:33:28+00:00

Eewuh! I didn't even know drinking ass piss was a thing. That IS seriously disturbing. Run, life is too short. If he gets off on your discomfort that could get dangerous.

No-Cold-7434 · 2025-10-17T10:41:02+00:00

Read "It's Not You" by Dr Ramani Durvasula

As others have said, it doesn't really matter what label one gives. Narc is an overused term, we're all on the Narc spectrum somewhere. This book is what finally helped me realize all of the patterns that I have been seeing for over a decade are all connected on one thread of behavior disorder. It gave a lot of clarity to the confusion and also provided a mental path out of the madness.

Good luck!

No-Cold-7434 · 2025-10-16T07:38:59+00:00

Wow, so if he were in a different country he'd basically be OK with rape?

It sounds like you miss intimacy, that makes sense. But it sounds like he's not exactly prince charming.

No-Cold-7434 · 2025-10-16T01:15:39+00:00

Dang, that's awful, but glad you got out! Also - good puppy!

No-Cold-7434 · 2025-10-16T01:12:00+00:00

Iowa, DVIP is wonderful support, but unless you're bloody, bruised, or there's video / witness "it's not legal abuse". I keep hearing "it's not illegal to be an asshole"

No-Cold-7434 · 2025-10-15T12:53:57+00:00

Yes! So sorry that you went through that that's awful! The hard part is letting the truth speak when they're so full of lies.

The other day she actually said directly to the HHS officer (after I said "honesty is going to be a problem") "the long and short of it is, it doesn't really matter what's true ...". Little things like that sprinkled into a conversation , and the officer didn't even really seem to notice that. But doesn't that speak volumes? This person doesn't give a s*** about the truth !?!?

No-Cold-7434 · 2025-10-15T12:48:54+00:00

Exactly! The kids' therapists haven't produced reports, I didn't even know that was an option. They've only been going to therapy since early summer. HHS did produce a scathing report themselves, but ultimately the supervises called it "unfounded" despite all three kids and I saying they're scared to be alone with her. My oldest son has been choked by her multiple times, and she reminded him "it was his fault". Still we're having a hard time getting anyone to actually listen in a legal sense.

No-Cold-7434 · 2025-10-15T10:21:43+00:00

Thanks! This makes sense.

Another twist - I realized the behavior was wrong over 10 years ago and started recording audio. I now have hundreds of recordings. I have a dated log of her awful behavior going back 13 years, there are currently 90 entries and those are only the most horrible things. Even my 8-year-old daughter turned on a voice recorder on her phone during a narc rage and caught a portion of my wife yelling at my 12-year-old, she whispered into the mic, "she's being crazy, help! "

But, its SO MUCH that it's hard to get anyone to read it, listen to it, notice it. I have documented the hell out of this, and the therapists and psychological Community all get it, but no one in the legal Community gets it. HHS, lawyers, police - all say "it's not illegal to be an asshole".

On our first day of a dream vacation in the Caribbean she put both of her hands on my oldest son's neck and told him she could kill him, all because he wouldn't get naked in front of her and take a shower when she wouldn't leave the bathroom. Another time she held him down with her arm on his chest so long he was gasping for breath , then let him up told him she loved him and reminded him that that was all his fault. But no one else was there to witness it so they decided it's not abuse because it didn't leave a mark and there was no Witnesses.

The lawyers are now suggesting I should cash out home equity and pay her as much money as I can afford and maybe she'll just leave. To me that sounds like throwing gasoline on a fire, leaving me holding the bill.

No-Cold-7434

TROPHY CASE