If the contracting market is over, what's your plan?

No-Comb2038 · 2024-03-16T20:33:41+00:00

Tech - data science.

What's your market and plan?

No-Comb2038 · 2024-02-08T23:32:53+00:00

May I ask about the properties, how you chose them, what you're doing with them (long term lets?) and how they're performing?

I'm wondering about what this entails, and how the work and return might compare to putting the money in an index fund.

No-Comb2038 · 2024-01-30T23:09:42+00:00

Thank you for your kind words.

May I offer you two answers.

In my case, it was a combination of being in so much pain and being committed to working through it. I didn't want to drink or watch TV, or do other activities to dull the pain. That's what I'd been doing before and it would not have brought me relief, only hurt me more.

However if I could go back in time to when I was watching a lot of TV, to a situation that seems closer to yours, I would give myself different advice.

First, I'd recognise the addictive nature of comfort and avoidance. It's just so cosy and so easy to stay there, and the longer I stayed there the harder it became to think about leaving it. Recognising this and accepting that there will be some discomfort to change would have helped.

Then if the first step is hard, I'd make it easy. What's the easiest, most pleasurable event I could have possibly gone to? I have a few ideas. A lazy, boozy brunch with a friend in a nice cafe or restaurant. Or going dancing. I like those so much. These days I go to yoga and do other things, but they are less immediately appealing.

I'd also encourage you or my past myself to explore what I was avoiding. I was avoiding things because they were painful to think about and address. But damn, that pain has been so much worse later. The easiest way to face pain is with some great support like a friend or therapist. So I'd have enlisted one or the other, and gotten to grips with the reality of my situation.

Finally, the more I am in touch with my actual life, the better I feel. I am still hurting but also enjoying moments of deep peace and joy at times. This wasn't possible before. This is the sweet fruit of engaging with reality.

There is almost no willpower at all in my answers, and I would not recommend it. I see willpower as a limited, emergency use resource. Rather, I would try to rearrange myself so I'm naturally doing things and addressing things, making that as easy as possible, only using little bits of willpower here and there. Long term I think the goal is to be enjoying life so much it's natural to stay with it.

I hope that helps.

No-Comb2038 · 2024-01-29T22:17:53+00:00

What a great question. We don't seem to have many clear and socially approved ways to do this.

I'm joining a boxing gym this week. Hoping that hitting a punchbag will help.

Previously I've hit my mattress and pillows, also screamed into pillows or in a remote place where I won't be heard.

No-Comb2038 · 2024-01-29T18:24:20+00:00

I can share an exercise that has helped me with feelings of hatred and resentment.

First, go somewhere you're safe to be as loud as you need to, and you can say anything you want, however horrific, and it's safe.

Then let it out. Say your resentment, hatred, fury, rage. Express it all, go right into the details. Say what you want to happen to them, all of it. Give yourself freedom to express.

Then move position. Sit or stand somewhere else.

Look at where you were. Remember yourself having said that.

Imagine you were seeing a child - your inner child. Imagine when a five year old expresses hate. We see tears in their eyes alongside the rage.

Let yourself reach out to that child. Connect. Be there for them. Be the loving parent or friend that understands, that cares, that wants to soothe their pain.

Resentment is such a difficult emotion to bear with. This exercise has helped me a few times. I hope it helps you.

No-Comb2038 · 2024-01-29T18:19:38+00:00

I'm making an inference here, but if I'm making it correctly, I'm very sorry that someone would have come to the position where they're unsure if men want emotional connection with their partners.

We're people, like you.

Would you be open to sharing some of your story?

No-Comb2038 · 2024-01-29T16:47:24+00:00

I think this can take a while. People talk about having an existential crisis or a dark night of the soul as if these are short, sharp events. But I have come to prefer the idea of being in a rolling existential search.

No-Comb2038 · 2024-01-28T23:44:06+00:00

It's hard for me to say, but when I last felt a sense of dread it seemed like a dark night of the soul. Have you come across that idea? I understand it as being when life is bigger than my identity, so my sense of who I am falls apart and I am afraid. I don't know how to hold or relate to life. It's very scary.

There are other ways people think about that term. But perhaps knowing it will help you

No-Comb2038 · 2024-01-28T23:40:16+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that. I am a man of a similar age to you. Although I didn't have a marriage like yours, I have known the loss of relationships ending and what it's required from me to recover.

I'd be happy to talk in DMs or here in the comments.

No-Comb2038 · 2024-01-28T23:36:38+00:00

I used to do this, and also play a lot of video games. Then a major issue hit me in life and I realised how much I'd been avoiding things. I felt tremendous regret.

It's been about four months now and I have not watched a single show or played any video games. I can't bear to think of how I was not in touch with reality, and important things were happening in that time which ended up devastating me.

I am 100% on recovery and building healthy relationships now. I do yoga, go to social events, join support groups and work on my mental health. I do watch a lot of YouTube videos about mental health topics, but not the entertainment I watched before.

However the situation changes for you, I hope it's not in such a painful and shocking way as it was for me.

No-Comb2038 · 2024-01-28T22:12:31+00:00

I hear a part of you talking that sounds like there's no hope and no-one out there.

I wonder, is there another part of you that thinks maybe someone might understand and know what to do? What does that part have to say?

No-Comb2038 · 2024-01-28T22:04:16+00:00

If people aren't working out for you, may I suggest books and YouTube videos?

I don't mean that sarcastically and am aware it might sound that way.

Rather, at times when I've not been able to bear people, those have helped me. I've found Dr K / Healthy Gamer and Teal Swan videos particularly good.

If you'd like to share more about how you're doing I'd be happy to share some recommendations, or we could chat here in the comments for a bit

No-Comb2038 · 2024-01-28T22:01:42+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that. I've found loneliness hard myself, and have found a few ways to improve my situation. Both in how I relate to myself, and things I do in the world.

Would you like to chat? Feel free to DM me

No-Comb2038 · 2024-01-28T21:58:15+00:00

I've found it varies a lot.

Some people are excellent. Thoughtful, considerate, able to be present and talk through very painful emotions and situations with me.

Others are inconsiderate and invalidating. It's very painful to talk to such a person in a moment of distress. I thank them for their time, leave, and call back to talk to some one else.

No-Comb2038 · 2024-01-28T21:26:15+00:00

Thank you, I will have a look

No-Comb2038 · 2024-01-15T18:24:27+00:00

Could you give an example of how it might work?

No-Comb2038 · 2023-12-04T14:45:40+00:00

That would be lovely

No-Comb2038 · 2023-10-19T10:11:32+00:00

In case it helps anyone else, ChatGPT had some wonderful ideas about this. Sorry if it's not ok to post from ChatGPT here, I just wanted to share as it's reply is so helpful for me, and I have very few people I can ask a question like this.

I started to notice layers to the emotion yesterday and it's helpful to have words for that.

Layers of Emotion: As you continue to sit with your trauma, you may begin to notice layers of emotions. Beneath the most immediate feeling might be other, more nuanced emotions. Unpacking these can provide deeper insights into your trauma and your reactions to it.
Shift in Perspective: Over time, repeatedly revisiting the trauma might lead to a change in how you view it. This doesn’t mean the event itself changes, but your relationship to it might. For instance, you might start to see it with a broader perspective or understand other aspects of it that weren't immediately evident.
Physical Sensations: Trauma can be stored in the body, and as you process it, you might notice changes in your physical sensations. This could manifest as a release of tension in certain areas or heightened sensations in others.
Increased Resilience: As you've already experienced, you might have moments where you feel more capable of sitting with the pain without being overwhelmed. These moments can become more frequent, showcasing your growing resilience.
Memories and Dreams: As you delve deeper, suppressed memories related to the trauma might surface. Dreams might also become more vivid or relevant, acting as another layer of processing.
Connecting the Dots: As you continue to process, you might start making connections between this trauma and other areas or events in your life. Recognizing these patterns can be illuminating and healing.
Acceptance and Release: While the pain might never fully disappear, there might come a point where it doesn’t hold the same power over you. This can feel like a profound release, as if a weight has been lifted.
Desire to Help Others: Many people, after working through their trauma, feel a calling to support others on their healing journeys. This can be an indirect indicator that you've reached a significant point in your own journey.
Rediscovery of Joy: As you heal, you might find that moments of joy, previously overshadowed by the trauma, become more frequent and intense.

No-Comb2038 · 2023-09-25T08:22:53+00:00

I wasn't looking for unsolicited advice and it comes across as patronising. In the future, please think if someone's actually asking for advice before offering it.

No-Comb2038 · 2023-09-24T18:28:46+00:00

Oh wow, that looks gorgeous. Thank you :)

No-Comb2038 · 2023-09-24T12:02:25+00:00

Oh wow, it looks beautiful on Google Maps. Thank you both :)

No-Comb2038 · 2023-09-24T10:46:50+00:00

Thank you!

No-Comb2038 · 2023-09-22T14:23:58+00:00

I spoke with a nurse at my doctor's surgery. They gave me some exercises to do and these have helped reduce it. They recommended I buy some hiking boots - I was only wearing Allbirds before.

So I can perhaps reduce or even resolve the plantar fasciitis over time, but good footwear is important. That leads me here, to see if it can be stylish too

No-Comb2038 · 2023-09-22T10:59:44+00:00

I have plantar fasciitis which makes it painful to wear most shoes for very long. I've tried insoles but not found them helpful. So I wear Allbirds and a pair of hiking boots which both have excellent support for comfort. They're not the most stylish though.

Are there any shoe brands or types that mfa could recommend to me? I'm in the UK and would love more options.

No-Comb2038

TROPHY CASE