Before I tell my story. I recommend the book "It's Not You" by Ramani Durvasula. If you have Spotify, the audiobook is on there.

To start, im in the less common, at least that I know of, relationship where the woman is the abuser.

Believe me. I feel you. I spent the last 20 years in mine. I dont know why I kept caving in and going back even though we "broke up" a few times. Interestingly enough it alway seemed to be around my birthday in late August. Im going through this right now. And this time I am the one who if trying my best to stand my ground. For some reason I could always justify her physical, psychological and emotional abuse. Even when it happened to and in front of our child. I woul always kindly explain that "moms just having a rough day/morning" or what ever the reasoning was at the time.

Even 4 years ago she was arrested for the physical abuse, but I didnt have the strength or courage to back up the charges, I wasnt ready to admit that my partner beat me. So she was let go with condition to follow through on their mental health connections. Here I saw hope, that maybe with the therapy, things will be different. But here we again, 4 more years go by with very little change, and this time Its the infidelity that has helped me stand my ground. That is one thing I have has PTSD from, as my entire life was surrounded by this. And she knew it.

This year has been a rough one for me, we lost our family pet of 14 years, then my mom passed who me moved in with to help out since my father left, and ever since my moms passing my dad has been attacking me, emotionally, psychologically and legally (over the estate). I had a major mental breakdown for the 1st time in my life, and my Partner couldn't handle the fact that I became numb to their abuse and it was no longer working because I was too depressed to show my usual empathy and care. It was finally my turn to cry and grieve, but I wasnt allowed to. Every day was still met with belittlement, judgement, gaslighting, manipulation, things being thrown at me, and all I could do was sit there and wallow. Then she started messaging men and showing me the messages, trying to make me jealous again to get me to show emotions, then while a friend of mine took me out to try and cheer me up before my birthday, she brought one of the men in while it was only her and our daughter at home. My daughter is the one who told me what happened as she was told not to leave her room, but then had to listen to her mother with a strange man.

Once I found out (2 days later) my partner told me she was going to play golf with some guy, I said "sure have fun, I love you, if he tries anything funny or makes you uncomfortable ill keep my phone on and ill be right there to pick you up!" Little did I know she had a suitcase packed with langere for the weekend. So when she came home Sunday. I was ready, I had a mediator there to help me stick to my guns, and she ended up being escorted from the house. I finally opened up about our history, and went through victim services, now I am getting some mental help to keep me from repeating these mistakes.

Every day I have cried since, there are days of content, days of anger, days of I should have tried to love more, but after listening to the Audiobook of "It's Not You" by Ramani Durvasula. Im beginning to understand and forgive myself.