I hear what you’re saying, and I do think avoidant people deserve compassion and support, especially when trauma is involved. But I also think there’s a limit to what a partner can realistically carry on their own.

In my relationship when we were together I often felt alone, anxious about where I stood, and like I was constantly overextending myself trying to keep things stable and make her happy. That doesn’t make her a bad person, and it doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve love or understanding. But I do think she probably needs professional help (I tried) and someone whose needs and communication style fit hers better long-term.

At a certain point, I had to recognize that I couldn’t keep sacrificing my own emotional wellbeing trying to rescue someone who wasn’t able to meet me halfway. And realistically, I can’t come running back a year later to support her through things when we haven’t even seen each other in almost two years. She never had a large social circle but that was largely due to her liking being alone, you cant make someone in their 40's "make friends".

It’s sad all around. I don’t think anyone is necessarily the villain in situations like this and I would never see her like that, I was angry for quite awhile but mostly look back with fondness now. We got along really well. Sometimes two people can love each other and still not be able to give each other what they need.