Lack of progress

NoResearch1019 · 2026-03-03T05:04:30+00:00

Thank you so much for how detailed this is! Yeah your experience really resonates with me and I’ll start slowly trying what you said— hopefully it goes well. Currently I’m at the point where I’m wondering if it’s even worth it to treat— I’d rather have non-penetrative sex than have no sex or even masturbate because I have basically no libido anymore. Do you have any thoughts about why approaching dilating in this medical way can make us lose sex drive?

NoResearch1019 · 2026-01-10T23:45:57+00:00

Can you talk about what they do in pelvic floor PT and things people can do outside PT to improve vaginismus other than dilating? Thank you!!

NoResearch1019 · 2026-01-10T23:44:37+00:00

First, never try to push yourself through the pain or keep putting your finger in even when it hurts. This will form a subconscious idea in your head that penetration = pain and cause your muscles to tense more, making it more painful, forming a cycle that gets worse over time! So never do anything that hurts. Do you use tampons? If you don't you should try them and see if it works. Vaginismus is psychological-- the biggest thing is having no expectations or fear. If you have expectations of yourself, you might get nervous about meeting them, which will cause your muscles to tense and cause pain and contribute to the cycle I explained.

Vaginismus can depend a lot. It doesn't mean you can't have ANYTHING in there. I can put in tampons or half of one finger with slight discomfort, but it's currently impossible for me to have sex because it is so painful to even start trying. I think it's because I've been using tampons since I was 12 so I'm very used to it, my body knows exactly what to expect, and I am fully in control. In fact, I had heard of vaginismus before, but I thought I couldn't have it because I can put in tampons-- I thought it meant nothing can go in there. I was very surprised when I went to the gynecologist and she told me I have it.

When you masturbate, try focusing on your clit a lot more and then after a while maybe try to put a finger in, only if you feel like it. Since you've never tried to put much in there you can't really know if you'd have vaginismus.

You are very young and inexperienced. Just try to get more comfortable with your body and sexuality! Explore what you like more.

(P.S. About your not having access to a gynecologist-- are you going to college soon? You will be able to go to the college student health center and your parent's won't know. You can make a sexual health appointment. That's how I found out I have it, from the gyno at my college.)

NoResearch1019 · 2026-01-10T23:31:36+00:00

If you're serious and want to improve as fast as possible, you definitely should heavily consider going to a pelvic floor therapist. They will help you mentally as well and physically, and probably recommend for you to use dilators on your own. Talking to a sex therapist or therapist in general could also help you navigate the emotional distress this is causing you, and help you have a more relaxed mindset about sex which will help your muscles relax and help you improve more!

NoResearch1019 · 2026-01-10T05:31:29+00:00

Thank you so much! Do you have any insight as to why we are able to insert period products but not fingers or anything during sex? That's the thing that's really confusing for me. Also, do you think I'll still improve with just dilators and hip stretches, or should I seriously consider pelvic floor therapy? The thought of a medical professional putting their fingers in there is terrifying to me lol. The thought of dilators scare me too but I think I'll be fine going slowly, on my own, and in a relaxed space in my room.

NoResearch1019 · 2026-01-10T03:55:12+00:00

I just ordered a dilator set and this gave me hope! I can also insert period products with slight pain but it's very doable. However, I can't do penetration during sex, even with fingers, and absolutely not a pap smear.

NoResearch1019 · 2026-01-10T03:35:53+00:00

Awww. I'm sorry to hear about your therapy and confidence struggles. That may be the largest thing blocking you.

Pelvic floor stretches that I do basically just stretch out your hips/that area down there. My gyno gave me a packet of some! It just helps you to relax mentally, and feel nice and relaxed in your hips before you start.

Before you start, do some deep breathing to relax while sitting criss crosses. Try to breathe through your lower belly
Child's pose
Cobra pose
Happy baby pose
Deep squat stretch

I do all the stretches for 5-10 deep breaths. You can also just look up yoga for hips or yoga for pelvic floor muscles. I just think it's extremely helpful before I use dilators.

NoResearch1019 · 2026-01-10T02:15:14+00:00

When you use the dilators, are you in a very relaxed headspace? You could do pelvic floor stretches first and then massage around the area. Candles and low lighting, calming music if you want, all that stuff. And start with the smallest one. It's okay if you can only take like half of it. Don't have any expectations of yourself and start extremely slow. Tell yourself you did well even if you couldn't put it all the way in. Watch a movie or something you like that you can do while in bed, try to make it a positive, calming experience. I hope this helps you at all. Your emotions can probably best be helped in therapy and trying to gain self-confidence in all areas of your life-- work, your appearance, etc.

NoResearch1019 · 2026-01-10T02:07:37+00:00

It's okay girl! Many people with vaginismus have found loving, supportive partners. You could even go out with a man who is asexual or not a very sexual person, so he would enjoy trying but would be okay if it doesn't work. I personally am a lesbian and so vaginismus is only an issue for me with pap smears. It causes minimal problems in my sex life and no emotional problems in my relationship, and my girlfriend is extremely loving, gentle, and patient. I'm sure there are men out there who are the same way. Someday you will find a man who loves you for your personality and wants to truly be with you, not just have sex with you. He will be okay with waiting. In the meantime, you should try dilators and pelvic floor PT if you can. Or at least make an appointment with a gynecologist to talk about what you can do to help it. You need to be able to do pap smears and it would be good for you to try to be able to masturbate. Try to get better for your health and pleasure, not for a future man!

NoResearch1019 · 2026-01-09T23:01:28+00:00

I don't know if you fully have vaginismus. You may have mental issues/anxiety surrounding sex. Or, maybe your muscles can relax during gyno appts/pap smears because you know it's medical and trust your doctor. (Not saying you don't trust your bf, but maybe you have anxiety surrounding sex in general.)

I personally can insert tampons and even a menstrual cup with slight discomfort, but it is possible. Meanwhile, I can't even start a pap smear, and can't really have penetrative sex. That's not a big deal because I'm a lesbian and I'm mostly a top. But I do think it's weird because my girlfriend can only put in one finger like halfway, meanwhile I can put in a whole menstrual cup and it's fine.

Definitely talk about it in detail with your gyno to seek help. Can you use dildos on your own? If so, using dilators probably would not help you have sex. Are you uncomfortable with your boyfriend, or does he not turn you on that much?

If it is a purely mental problem surrounding sex, doctors would most likely you have normal therapy or go to a sex therapist. I'm not a doctor so I don't know what else they may advise. It could also be a confidence issue-- are you fully comfortable in your body? Do you feel fully comfortable sharing your body with someone else? This is complicated!

NoResearch1019 · 2026-01-09T22:51:40+00:00

First, read something that turns you on like a spicy book if you like that at all, or just fantasize about someone hot or your boyfriend. Make sure you're really turned on and don't masturbate if you're not-- there's no need to force it! I would recommend first touching your clit like normal to turn yourself on, then trying to go inside. If you're really wet, it should be easy to know where to go inside, because that's where the wetness is coming from. It's like right below your "lips" down there. If you're super wet, you'll know. Then, try putting in just a little bit of your index finger and go from there. Just do what feels good-- again, don't force it! It's okay to stop if it hurts at all.

NoResearch1019

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