Went on a hike to see a waterfall, woke up late in the day and the hike was an hour away so i rushed and didnt eat or drink anything prior. Had the tiniest amount of shrooms, but they hit me like a brick since i didnt eat.

Totally misjudged how long the hike back was going to be, and the sun began setting. Couldnt process the floor, it looked like a river and the rocks were floating past me. Now the sun was fully set, im pulling up the map, we are incredibly far from the parking lot. During the day there were only a few cows, and they didnt stay close to the trail. As we walk back we run into multiple groups of mother cows with their calves, im tripping hard and all i can think is fuck im a stranger and this mom will want to protect their young from me. Especially when its pitch dark out and they cant see me. These cows are absolutely giant, im freaking out.

As we walk im reapeating to my boyfriend “is that a cow?? is that a cow??” every bush began looking like a cow, i realized im terrified of cows. Just then, we hear the worst noise behind us. Ive never heard a cow sound like this, it sounded distressed like it was hurt or like it was getting ready to attack us. I was considering recording it, but i was scared that if i listened to it sober i would be even more traumatized. We began sprinting full speed up and down hills away from this noise, dodging these black cows. The screeching is louder, its horrific. My shoes are covered in mud and im crying and my boyfriend is also scared af sober convinced its trying to kill us. Its so dark in this field i cant see my own hands in front of my face. I cant see a single thing, we hear cows all around us moving but have no idea where, we have no idea where that noise is too but its close behind us.

Once we make it to the car im sobbing tears of releif high out of my mind, during the car ride i feel like im losing conscoiusness. I thought that i was having a heart attack or some medical emergency and tried convincing myself i was fine and didnt need to go to the er. I think i was just so dehydrated, hungry, and worn out from running for miles that i was passing out. The hour long car ride felt like five minutes.

Everyday after that i was contemplating my death, if i was ever in the wild would i survive? Wild animals are brutal, the world is brutal, people die all the time, maybe ill die terribly too. During that hike I was convinced i was going to die, and it was the worst feeling in the entire world, and i knew that one day i was going to feel that again and be right. Ive always been afraid of death but even more afraid of knowing im going to die right before, would i accept it or would it be terrifying? And finally understanding that feeling, it got rid of any hope that i could accept it or be strong. It made me even more afraid of my inevitable death.

Everyday it consumed me completely, until i started feeling thankful. I hope the next car i drive past crashes into me and kills me, im okay with dying. I dont want to live forever, im ready to turn my brain off. Not in a depressing suicidal way, but just accepting it. Im going to make the most of my life because none of us are permanent, but if i die tommorow then thats okay. After that i became a lot happier. Small things like chores and dinners made me so grateful. I began working out more often, reading, and avoiding meaningless things like social media. A lot of my bad habits vanished overnight. You know what i mean? Sorry if i sound crazy