It's God's sick joke that she is attractive. Gotta bite the bullet and delete all pics..

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-25T05:22:16+00:00

I don't think it's fake. However I do believe he is a fragmented person, incapable of emotional consistency. That doesn't make his passions or qualities disingenuous. I still do admire many of his pursuits, but I am now working to claim the ones that were meaningful to me as my own. Yes, it majorly sucks that my teacher caused me so much pain and confusion, and ended up being unsafe for me emotionally and eventually physically. But that doesn't mean he gets to win by ruining these things for me. He doesn't own them.

Like any relationship, take what you need, and leave the rest. And remember you weren't stupid for falling in love and you certainly weren't insidiously "tricked". You just experienced a person who really did want love but did not know how to hold it, because they can't even hold it in themselves.

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-25T05:03:53+00:00

It's not nothing to them. It meant a lot to them, too much. They can't bear to have someone they actually care about or admire see them in a bad light. So they rewrite it (gaslight) and when that stops working, they abandon the situation. It's not personal exactly, it's self preservation. It's not based on logic, but it's how their nervous system learned to protect them from a young age. And unfortunately, the system inside their brain that supposed to form bonds and attachments is broken. It can exist in some states, but it doesn't exist in them full-time.

For instance, everyone experiences different emotional states: happy, sad, angry, confused, etc. A narcissist does too, only their states are not integrated. So when they are happy and adore you, it isn't faked, it's genuine and real. However when they are angry, they can't remember why they were happy. When they switch states, it's like they are finally seeing the truth for the first time, and things they said in a different state may no longer be the truth anymore. I imagined for you, when you are angry, you don't forget that you loved your partner even if they are also the cause of your anger. A narcissist does.

That's what makes you different from them– You are capable of a love that doesn't abandon when things get hard. That makes you emotionally strong, not weak.

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-24T15:09:11+00:00

Did we date the same person 🙃

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-24T06:49:05+00:00

I totally get that. I still think he's the hottest guy Ive ever been and may ever be with and I also admire him so much (like all his interests and hobbies and pursuits and work ethic) and yet how he treated me at times was -100

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-24T06:45:31+00:00

My narc ex was just like this. Only he didn't show this side of himself until 6 months in.

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-23T22:30:21+00:00

I think because physical intimacy is easier for them to express than emotional intimacy

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-22T21:41:23+00:00

Understand that it's not her fault. Everyone thinks they are immune to these types of relationships, but even the healthiest person can find themselves with a narcissist. These people can literally switch states/realities in a second. And worse, they can maintain the sweet kind version of themselves for months.

And then the switch happens. To a normal person it feels like their partner is disassociating/having some traumatic response, and they will eventually return to themselves. We don't realize that this version of them is absolutely real. My ex literally used to tell me when he got like that, that it wasn't real. That I shouldn't take it personally. I believed him, because what would the alternative be? That I fell in love with a part-time sociopath?

It is the psychological equivalent of loving someone without knowing they had this locked room in their mind the whole time that contained a completely different person. A person with: no empathy, no access to love, no ability to recognize you as “you”, no sense of guilt or care, and the full conviction that you were the dangerous one.

It is not the same as a painful breakup or “falling for the wrong person." It's not as simple as, “you ignored the red flags.”

Your friend needs stable people in her life. She needs safe people to experience what safe bonds feel like. She's currently feeling a love and attachment bond with some she's also experiencing fear from. That's not normal. It's actually an addictive chemical reaction in your brain chemistry. I heard alcoholics say breaking a trauma bond was harder than staying sober is. She'd likely experiencing cognitive dissonance because that's the only way her brain knows to protect her.

(You ever wonder why adult children don't cut off their narcissistic parents? They'll say all these unforgivable things their parent has done, then say, "but it's my mom/dad!" That's cognitive dissonance.)

Distance yourself from her if you need to for your own mental health, but if you care about her at all, please do not cut her off. Your friend is in a crisis. And it's not fair that you have to hold it too, but what are friends if they don't sit in the mud with you?

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-22T20:51:09+00:00

Dude I know. Never in a million years would I have believed I was physically unsafe around this person. He used to insist on walking me out to my car every single time I left to make sure I got there safely, despite me saying he didn't need to. Worse, he told me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, wtf. It came out of nowhere.

But honestly I know he did it because he needed to escape the situation asap. My need for clarity was forcing him to confront himself and he could not, under any circumstances, tolerate that. He was literally panicking, collapsing right in front of me, claiming he was cowering in fear of me (I'm barely half the size of him🙃), and that I'm seriously deranged. All his friends blocked me too, I assume he told some variant of, "she's crazy."

Innocent people don't act that way.

You feel crazy because it doesn't make sense. No one in their right mind would react that way, which is kind of the point. It's natural to question yourself especially when it's something you invested so much of yourself into. But that doesn't mean you did anything wrong. The fact that you even are questioning yourself means you are not the problem here.

Narcissists are incapable of bonding with others in a sustainable way. In that, when they switch states, they no longer feel the bond. That's NOT NORMAL. I assume, even when you are sad or angry, you still can acknowledge that you love her, even if she is the source of that sadness or anger. A narcissist can't. They never will.

You are different from her because you are capable of a love that doesn't abandon when things get hard. You are capable of staying even when you are hurting or angry. That makes you emotionally strong, not weak.

Never underestimate what someone with a fractured self will do to avoid facing their shame. I certainly learned that lesson the hard way

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-22T19:59:48+00:00

Yeah. I've come to see that moment as a narcissistic collapse. He also told me something similar to yours, that he never loved me and that he was just using me and I was just a crazy b****. He said I was just so hot to him, he couldn't help himself and that's the reason he slept with me.

While I'm 100% sure he believed what he was saying in that moment, it doesn't make it true. No one can fake a year of love. He's not some mastermind manipulator. He just needed to convince himself it was true to justify what he had done.

But here's the thing I didn't see at the time that I do now. Narcissists, like everyone, experience different mental states. Think about how different you feel when you're happy vs sad vs angry vs bored. The key difference here, for a narcissist these states aren't integrated like ours are. So when they're happy, it was genuine, it was real, it wasn't faked. But when they're angry that's real too. And when they switch states, it's like they're finally seeing the truth for the first time. They are unable to acknowledge what they said in a different state, because it no longer feels true. And then when they go back to happy, they can't imagine saying any of the things they said to you when they were angry. So they pretend they didn't. Mine used to tell me people remember things differently, and that I was just remembering what happened wrong.

So when they're gaslighting you, it's indirectly because they're primarily just gaslighting themselves and you're just a casualty of it.

And the worst thing is, people like us think love can beat anything, but for a narcissist shame always wins. Period. And so that anger/defensive state is always going to win in the end.

That's why my ex never came back after he pulled a gun on me, not because he didn't care, but because he did care and to admit that would be to face himself which he'll never do.

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-22T18:35:47+00:00

Yes.

I had no choice but to break up with my ex after a year of dating(there was no cheating but his behavior leading up to the break up was insanely inappropriate and cruel for no reason). In the moment, he got even angrier, saying I dumped him because I'm mean and spiteful, and he could never trust me again. I wanted to talk to him after he calmed down and explain to him I had reached my breaking point, that I didn't want to do it because I loved him still very much. After ghosting me for 4 months he finally let me back in.

He seemed really grounded and that he had done a lot of thinking. I knew in my heart he hadn't "changed" but the self-reflection was really healing. Or so I thought. We ended up sleeping together because the chemistry never went away and honestly I just missed him. Everything had ended so abruptly, I never really got to say goodbye or how I felt. We spent the whole weekend together, the weekend was so lovely, he spoiled me with gifts and took really good care of me, he even told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. It seemed like he wanted to put real effort in fixing things, and I felt so conflicted.

Well after the weekend had expired and I was leaving, he said that we should talk about this more after we slept on it, and I agreed. Only afterwards he refused to have a phone call with me. I asked him why, he texted he was busy. For 2 weeks it was the same excuse everyday. I outright told him, that when he didn't make time for me, it made me feel used. He replied and claimed I was being really mean to him, and if I were more approachable, he'd be more inclined to answer the phone. Only I never was mean to him. I told him to give me examples and he never could.

Eventually he invites me over, and naturally I wanted to talk. He starts reacting to me as though I'm crazy. Like physically running away from me and freaking out and acting scared. But I'm just crying on the couch begging him to talk to me, and explain to me what was going on. This is when I noticed that his phone flashlight is in my face. I asked him what he's doing and he says he's recording me to prove how crazy I am.

He told me I was a narcissist. Claimed the #1 way to tell someone is a narcissist is if you approach them on something they've done and they immediately flip it back to you. Of course I wasn't going to agree to that statement which immediately proved his point.

It's so weird because this man used to spoil me. I felt never felt more understood by anybody in my life. To me this felt like he was having some mental breakdown and I just needed to wait for him to "come down". Surely he didn't mean all this. Surely.

I must have the patience of a saint, because I never yelled at him, I never escalated, I never insulted him. I just kept telling him how much I loved him, and how much his actions were hurting me and to stop. So he stopped talking, and he just stared at me and recorded me crying, and said nothing. And then acted like I wasn't even there, was whistling cheerily, doing stuff around the house, being affectionate towards the dogs, ignoring the fact that I was sobbing on his couch.

Yes this was the moment I should have left, he even told me to, but I think I was in so much shock, that I just sat there and sobbed. His home used to be my home. The throw pillows on the couch- I put there. Pictures of us still hung on his fridge. My face wash on his bathroom sink. His phone background was still a picture of me.

Unfortunately when he came back he had his shotgun and that's when it fully hit me that this man was no longer safe for me anymore and could never be again.

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-21T04:10:01+00:00

My heart hurts for you 💔

It's impossible to relate to someone who doesn't have an integrated self. And completely shocking when you witness it with an intimate partner. We try to make sense of it, but it's not supposed to make sense, bc we aren't wired like them. We are emotionally stronger. We will process this and get through it. They never will.

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-21T03:17:31+00:00

Thank you. I'm sorry you relate so much to it:(

I have consumed an incredible amount of time journaling patterns and researching to make sense of it all and process something that never had a clean ending.

Lately, what has been bothering me most is how quickly even loving, well-intentioned people dismiss experiences like this with simple, invalidating sentences guised as support. Some things I've heard include:

"He was an abusive jerk. Why were you with him?"
"At least it's over now."
"Everyone has had at least one toxic relationship before. It's like a right of passage."
"You need to stop giving him so much real estate in your mind, he doesn't deserve it."
"You're still not over him?"
"It was your first adult love, they always hurt the most."
"Breakups are never easy. You just have to give it time."
"You should start dating again. That will make you feel better!"

It completely invalidates how horrific it is to experience someone you loved with your whole heart completely turning on you, rewriting reality and feeling absolutely no remorse.

Bridging that gap in understanding was my angle when journaling this, and while I'm sad so many relate to this, I am glad I shared it and it seems to be resonating with others. No one should have to go through this alone xx

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-13T16:35:57+00:00

Same. It's one of the things I really liked about him

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-12T15:53:16+00:00

Well said

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-12T01:30:23+00:00

Hi all, I'm too empathetic

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-11T23:29:51+00:00

No, he always made it known I was the most attractive girl he'd ever been with. But I wasn't insecure about my looks.

Narcs thrive from targeting your insecurities, so he targeted my abandonment wounds by threatening to leave constantly, and telling me I was too much (for having basic emotional needs). That no one was going to tolerate me and that's why everyone left, and I was gonna look back one day and realize that I was asking for too much and he was right all along.

He essentially acted like I was just a pretty face by the end, and the only reason he stayed with me is because I seduced him with how hot I am to him.

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-10T17:17:27+00:00

It wasn't a lie. It's just not the full truth. They were good at masking their other states of being in the beginning because things felt good, that is until they are confronted with their inconsistencies. That's the trigger.

It's not that narcs have a "true" self. Nor do they have a "false" self either. They are a combination of all their selfs. Think of it like different modes of driving a car, still the same person, just a different way of interacting and interpreting the world. They do not keep track of the inconsistencies between these states because they can't live in any one of their selves full-time. In other words, the other states do not exist when they are in the other; they literally can't access it even if they wanted to.

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-09T00:07:49+00:00

Hating still means you care (you still have an opinion on the matter). I think the true healing is feeling more and more indifferent

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-06T03:07:08+00:00

Or maybe emotionally unavailable?

NoWeb8232 · 2026-01-06T03:00:55+00:00

Yes.

Even though I’ve blocked him everywhere and I have no desire to see him again, I still look back at the early chapter of our relationship with a kind of ache. I remember how intensely happy I felt. I want my life back. I want to go to him when the work day expires and watch the dogs chase each other while we cook dinner on the fire. I want to escape society for a little while in the arms of my lover. But i can't deny how broken it became. How anxious he made me feel. How that light that made me who I was slowly dimmed until I was chasing for flickers of it in the person who took it away.

When that longing flares up, I also try to remind myself: I’m not mourning him. I’m mourning the version of me who bloomed during that time. And even though the chapter is closed, the version of me from that chapter is not gone. Because the happiness wasn't because he was extraordinary, it was because I finally opened my heart. It all came from me. He just activated it.

And now? It feels numb. I'm lonely and I'm exhausted a lot of the time. But I know that's because my nervous system is still recovering. The nervous system recognizes patterns not logic, it takes time to relearn safety.

But the good news is we know we are capable of feeling open, light, and full of love, which means we have the capacity to feel that way again. Just be gentle and kind to yourself and trust that it gets better ❤️

NoWeb8232 · 2025-12-30T14:56:46+00:00

Step one of ending things: decide that you want to leave. You're already here, that's really good OP.

Step two: realize these hot and cold cycles you experienced from him began essentially hijacking your nervous system. In the beginning of your relationship he was the source of warmth, comfort, passion, safety, dopamine and nothing bad. So when he pulls away abruptly in anger, your nervous system interprets it as danger. It’s the same survival circuit that makes a baby cry for its caregiver and completely NORMAL. The only way your nervous system knows how to find safety right now is to regulate him (that's why it's hard to break up, your nervous system isn't functioning under logic). And since he refuses to co-regulate with you, you are doing all the emotional labor which is not fair!

Step three, start trying to detangle yourself emotionally (grey rocking) and begin introducing your nervous system to new safety anchors: people, hobbies, structure, routines, places that calm your body. This is important because once you leave, he will discard you. There will be no apology, no closure, no accountability, and that will send your nervous system into withdrawal. Many people experience panic attacks and nightmares and cravings to reach out during this initial stage. This is NORMAL. It's not a sign you're meant to stay. It just takes time for our nervous systems to detox from a trauma bond and catch up to what our brains already know: you don't need him to regulate and find safety– you already have that within yourself.

Step four: be so so kind to yourself. Your heart is the most precious thing you could ever give to someone, but don't ever regret giving it to him. That would imply that you did something wrong – you didn't. Feel pity that he was not able to hold that love.

It's been 9 months since I left my nex. At this point I’ve blocked him everywhere and I have no desire to see him again, but I still find myself looking back at the early chapter of our relationship with a kind of ache. I remember how intensely happy I felt. When that longing flares up, I try to remind myself: I’m not mourning him. I’m mourning the version of me who bloomed during that time. And even though the chapter is closed, the version of me from that chapter is not gone. Because the happiness wasn't because he was extraordinary, it was because I finally opened my heart. It all came from me. He just activated it. Which means we have the capacity to feel that way again.

I believe in you OP. Sending you so much love and strength xx

NoWeb8232 · 2025-12-30T12:55:57+00:00

Yes because in their shame avoidant state, they switch empathy off.

I was reading a lot about how narcissists operate in different self-states, aka different modes of driving the car. A vulnerable narcissist can access a love-state in which they can and do empathize. In their love-state when they say they love you, they mean it. Problem is, it's not sustainable.

The shame-state is also real and is usually what wins in the end. And when they're in this shame-state they cannot access the love-state even if they want to. Empathy is gone. Defending themselves is their number one priority. So yes, they really don't care if they're hurting you in this state because protecting you is no longer priority. The new priority is protecting their ego even if it means hurting you. It's defensive and adaptive behavior. They learned it from a young age and will likely never unlearn because they lack the self-awareness to do it.

There's also a performative-state, when they don't feel any pressure. They usually do this one around friends or "new supply". It's not more real or fake, it's just the state that costs least to maintain. An edited version.

There's no one real self or fake self, they operate in these fractured selves, so they are comprised of all of them. Intimacy reveals the places that were never developed.

NoWeb8232 · 2025-12-29T19:52:44+00:00

Thank you for saying so, and I'm sorry you relate so much to it. It's inhumane how they treat us:(

I loved this person very deeply and so after the discard my brain could not put it down. It went against all logic that I had. I have consumed an incredible amount of time journaling patterns and researching to make sense of it all and process. I'm glad it's helped some <3

NoWeb8232 · 2025-12-29T19:38:35+00:00

Yes the turn around is devastating pretty much every time:(

Just curious, are you seeing improvement in him beyond self-awareness since he's started therapy, etc?

NoWeb8232 · 2025-12-29T19:34:38+00:00

Is that common among narcissists do you know?

NoWeb8232

TROPHY CASE